Ex didn't pick eldest up from school, have i done something wrong here?

[BookArt55]

So today is the second time dad is picking the kids up from school and nursery and having them for two nights since a lives with order in my favour was put in place and dad has spends a time order.

School pickup is 3.15pm. I get a call at 3.45pm from school saying they've called dad, no answer, can I get my eldest. Off I go. Once I have the eldest I message dad. He messages back saying eldest should be in afterschool club despite never, ever having attended on a Friday. By this time I've automatically driven to nursery, i wait outside until dad agrees I can pick youngest up, so I do.

By this point we should go straight to the kid's favourite club, so I start driving there to be told by dad that I need to meet him at our handover location as they have a bbq to get to. I raise the kid's club and was told again to go straight to handover location. So I do, the kid's miss their club, I hand the kids over.

Kids cried when daddy didn't pick them up as I had this time (following previous advice from here) kept it very simple; daddy was picking them up and I would see them after their time with daddy. I thought it was a foolproof explanation...
They cried they weren't going to their club, again it is because I have to pack their bags this morning with the uniform so they knew already (dad won't supply his own uniform).

Dad is now saying that I should have known his work schedule has changed and booked afterschool club, and now wants me to book and pay for it. We communicate on a parenting app, he has never said this. I also don't need childcare on a Friday afterschool so I don't think I should organise or pay. He also hadn't informed the school or afterschool club. The first Friday pick up from school since the court was out in place, dad picked eldest up from the classroom, no problem, they got youngest, then took them to their club. So not sure why there is a problem now... well I would assume control, causing chaos, forgot, napping, doesn't like running around after the kids doing kid things... but then I'm being cynical.

Should I have handed the kids over? I think so because it is a court order even if he didn't pick eldest up.

He pays CMS, but that doesn't mean i should pay for his childcare on his days, right?

I took everyone's advice and didn't take the blame. I told the children a simple, child friendly explanation which did include a lot of 'i don't know the answer to that question.'

Thank you, great idea. I've sent an email to the afterschool club thanking them as eldest was briefly there to play with their friend as a distraction, and to ask for separate billing for me and dad. But I'll send one to the teacher too. I think I might owe her wine for staying an hour later on a Friday when she should have been having a glass of wine in the sunshine, not filling in CPOMs again because of my ongoing drama.

Ah OP sorry to read this thread. He clearly wants you running around doing all the mental load and wife work and also sounds quite abusive with the not paying the maintenance and that being your fault for not reminding him.
keep a record of all these things and as someone above said, if he misses his pick up time then he doesn’t get contact. If he doesn’t organise after school club then he doesn’t get contact. Don’t keep facilitating him he’s counting on you running round sorting this all out for him. Stop and he will soon learn.

Glad it has helped. Sadly a lot of these men are text book in regard to their inability to prioritise their over their need to control and abuse their women.

That would be really unexpected - you are really kind to think of that. So many parents just expect us to do whatever and 🤷‍♀️

Please remember this was NOT your fault! And also, there will be staff there who have either been in similar positions or have friends / family who have and they will know how horrible it is. I hope your little ones are both settled now. Horrible for you to have to pick up the pieces. I hope you have support in real life too.

Sorry meant to quote you in this reply and failed the first time.

Glad it has helped. Sadly a lot of these men are text book in regard to their inability to prioritise their over their need to control and abuse their women.

Amazing family and friends thankfully, but no one whose been through this. The staff at the school have had a lot of extra work due to our inability to coparent. It's been rather embarrassing for me, I don't like people knowing my business especially as it is extremely difficult to admit the type of relationship it was. But school have been great!

Kids will be back Sunday... they will bottle up all of these emotions until then and I will get them all. We are getting much better at working as a team to regulate our emotions after handovers. Eldest has openly admitted that he wouldn't show his emotions like sad, anger, frustration etc at his home with daddy... yeh that says a lot.

Is your school age child receiving Elsa support? That can be a really good way to make sure professionals have evidence of the impact on the child.

No. But just juat googled jt and it would be good. I've been looking into therapy for them but money is tight at the moment. Thank you for this, really beneficial!

I use something which helps me. Its called cope ahead, so if there is something I know or could happen I use it. In this case, I would look at the court order, and knowing what ex DH (dickhead not dear husband) is like, I would write down every loophole he could you, and anything else he could throw at me. Then I problem solve, so for example, with this situation, write down the issues and every different way you could have responded. And write it down, with your reasoning (you could even do pros/cons). It helps me because if something happens I'm not caught on the hop. It's like having hindsight but before it happens. Foresight.

Then in the future when he does something you already have a plan in place, with reasonings. It helps you feel a bit more in control.

Keep a diary, a diary specifically for him. Write down anything that happens, doesn't need to be really detailed but when he next takes you to court, you will have a good log of days, the number of incidents, and you can produce that. You can accurately tell the judge "on this day this happened".

You could try transition items or boxes to help the kids. For example when they get to mummy's house, you do something like a group hug, you all choose socks for eachother, something that's helps them consciously and unconsciously know they are with mum and safe. Socks is a good one because it's something they can wear. Bright monster socks, bright odd socks, fluffy socks. I know it might feel silly.

You're doing a fantastic job

@BookArt55 I read your previous thread OP and I'm so sorry to read in this one that your vile ex is indulging in his predictable behaviour to cause you and your DC as much anxiety as he can. 😔 I don't have any advice - I can see that you've received some great advice from PPs - but I just wanted to say that you sound like a truly amazing, caring, conscientious mum (the polar opposite of their lousy, shit-bag of a father!). Sending BIG hugs OP. 🤗

I don’t think you should have to wait until 6pm. As you said, the two year old struggles with being with him on their own. If he forgot the older child, I’d say you have good grounds for picking up the younger one.

that diagram is so familiar. Ex ticks the vast majority of those boxes

OP, I just wanted to say that you seem to have come a long way since your last post, it feels like you're beginning to get the strength back, which he's tried so hard to take away from you. You're clearly doing everything you can to help your kids through this horrible situation, and it's good to see you taking on board the advice that other posters who have been in your situation, are offering you. One thing I will say for MN, is that we women are great at supporting each other in circumstances like this, so hang on in there, and keep coming back when you need advice, or just a bit of praise for keeping going when times are hard. Sending girlfriend hugs your way.

This

Please keep everything you're documenting handy and copies of everything. As you grow stronger with boundaries, he might start phoning people with false allegations. I've had one of these cretins in my life too.

It makes me sad that so many good mums have had to come up with so many clever ideas simply to compensate for total arsehole exes in their kids’ lives…
the diary is good because it also helps you download events so they’re not whizzing around in your head. X

Re CMS — you have done the right thing asking for him to be put on collect and pay. They probably won’t do this now if it’s the first time that he has made a late payment or defaulted. They will probably revert to him, he will say “ yes I promise to pay in the future “ and then he won’t.

So then you will go back again each time, report the late or missing payment on the portal and after he’s done this several times, they will eventually put him on collect and pay.

Yes, it’s like the court, in that they will give him lots of chances and believe him every time against you. But it’s the only way you will ever get him put on collect and Pay.

Once you’re on this, they will get the maintenance directly from his employer. He will pay an extra 20% on top and you will lose 4% of your payment. so for example, if he has to pay £100, he will now have to pay 120 and you will get 96.

however for most receiving parents it’s worth it, because at least you do get the money. That’s as long as he doesn’t quit his job of course, as lots of them do.

Document everything. Ask the school to do that too. I know they have a lot to do without that but they are making the calls they can log them.

@Sayithowiseeit thank you so so much for this. This is really useful. I'm going to tackle this today while I'm kid free. Being blindsided is my biggest problem at the moment so this makes sense. And I love the socks idea!!!! Thank you!

@BakelikeBertha the last post really helped me immensely, more than j can express or thought it would. Yep, a bunch of strangers really, really helped. It completely refrained the way i was thinking and explaining things and gave me some strength to know I wasn't crazy... helps to have a reminder when dealing with his antics as I am so used to doubting myself. Lovely when friends and family support but I always worry they are bias!
MN and the people here are so amazing!

@Cantsleepwontsleep29 so sorry you had to go through that! He has done this many times already, police and social services. I have kept my work informed of him because I don't put anything past him. Notbing taken further except one Welfare Check which found nothing and worked in my favour for court, police told me it was a 'tickbox exercise'. Social Services gave me a call and said he 'waffled on' and they had no concerns. So I know he will keep doing this. Wouldn't surprise me if he already has but I just don't know about it.

@L0UISA thank you for this, i assumed this would be the case, this was really useful to hear. My support network seemed to think one missed payment would definitely put him on collect and pay. This was the second time, but I stupidly didn't report the last time as it was the day of court so thought I'd be understanding. However I will do as you say and keep reporting because it is just another way for him to get to me, that control again. Crazy how many chances some people get!

This all sounds so familiar. Unfortunately there never seems to be any come back for these men in court. My ex was given after schools on Friday but was visibly furious when told he’d need to pick them up (he’d expressed wanting a relationship with school and judge suggested this was a good way to do it). He collected them once - picked them up early during class time with the excuse he needed to catch a bus. It’s a city, the busses are approximately every 15 mibs on a Friday afternoon. His girlfriend was then sent to do all other Fridays until the final court order where he said due to work it needed to be 5pm. I was also expected to drop them off as he doesn’t drive (I drive but did not have a car at this point). He was to drop them off but of course his girlfriend sorted that so he was able to sit in the house and have them ferried to and from him - backed up by the court! I also was told I had to provide him with a copy of dd2’s birth certificate. He hadn’t managed to get a copy of hers as he didn’t know her dob 🙄. Dd was born abroad so that meant me finding someone to go the the registry office and order a certificate, then go back and collect it and post to me - all at my expense despite the fact he hadn’t managed family living minutes away from the office. I was told I would appear obstructive if I didn’t do this. I have many more examples- too many to list but clubs/hobbies are not seen as more important as time with dad and of course dad - full of self importance doesn’t think so either so court won’t care that he’s not taking them to that. It’s a joke and you just have to got your teeth and always act in the best interest of your dc while making sure the dc are made available when you are required to. I’m at the other end now, where dc have seen through him and at age 12 and 15 are refusing to go. Not had any backlash apart from the measly amount of CMS being stopped. It’s so low I barely miss it anyway. Sending you love and strength!

@liveforsummer so sorry you had to go through this. You're completely right, contact with dad seems to be more important than what the kids need. I don't think people who haven't been through the court system themselves fully understand. Even my family and friends who have been with me every step of the way don't fully understand because they weren't in the court room hearing professionals dismiss things that are so important! I feel for you, and am happy to hear the kids see what their dad is like. My biggest fear is that my kids believe him, I did for many years. So this gives me hope in that sense. Thank you for sharing!

No No No

He needs childcare he arranges it.

He forgets to pick them up he deals with the mess

He pays CMS because they live with you.

In future turn your phone off when he's due to pick up and let him deal with the consequences. Stop rescuing.

And yes I understand you do it for your kids but they need to find out who they can rely on and if he doesn't learn quickly so be it.