Ex didn't pick eldest up from school, have i done something wrong here?

[BookArt55]

So today is the second time dad is picking the kids up from school and nursery and having them for two nights since a lives with order in my favour was put in place and dad has spends a time order.

School pickup is 3.15pm. I get a call at 3.45pm from school saying they've called dad, no answer, can I get my eldest. Off I go. Once I have the eldest I message dad. He messages back saying eldest should be in afterschool club despite never, ever having attended on a Friday. By this time I've automatically driven to nursery, i wait outside until dad agrees I can pick youngest up, so I do.

By this point we should go straight to the kid's favourite club, so I start driving there to be told by dad that I need to meet him at our handover location as they have a bbq to get to. I raise the kid's club and was told again to go straight to handover location. So I do, the kid's miss their club, I hand the kids over.

Kids cried when daddy didn't pick them up as I had this time (following previous advice from here) kept it very simple; daddy was picking them up and I would see them after their time with daddy. I thought it was a foolproof explanation...
They cried they weren't going to their club, again it is because I have to pack their bags this morning with the uniform so they knew already (dad won't supply his own uniform).

Dad is now saying that I should have known his work schedule has changed and booked afterschool club, and now wants me to book and pay for it. We communicate on a parenting app, he has never said this. I also don't need childcare on a Friday afterschool so I don't think I should organise or pay. He also hadn't informed the school or afterschool club. The first Friday pick up from school since the court was out in place, dad picked eldest up from the classroom, no problem, they got youngest, then took them to their club. So not sure why there is a problem now... well I would assume control, causing chaos, forgot, napping, doesn't like running around after the kids doing kid things... but then I'm being cynical.

Should I have handed the kids over? I think so because it is a court order even if he didn't pick eldest up.

He pays CMS, but that doesn't mean i should pay for his childcare on his days, right?

I took everyone's advice and didn't take the blame. I told the children a simple, child friendly explanation which did include a lot of 'i don't know the answer to that question.'

Yeh I needed to just wait until 6pm, see if he showed up. Which i think he would have because really he wants the overnights to limit CMS.

Speak to the nursery. They should agree to send late fees to him on his days as they have the court order.

Make sure the school is recording failed pick up on dad's day.

Keep a diary of failed pick ups.

Keep a record or clubs missed on dad's days.

You don't need to pay for childcare during his childcare time. That's his responsibility.

I would take the kids home after failed pick up from school. You aren't there to facilitate him or his schedule. I'd be clear that the child was upset and distressed following the failed collection and he can collect the child on his next contact day.

Follow the order to the letter. No deviation. If you give him an inch he will take a few miles.

He's an abusive and controlling prick. Unfortunately, your kids are collateral damage.

This is when courts should allow the "better" parent to take back control and not allow the children to be treated badly.

Sadly I had to learn to be very strong in returning to the agreed order.

No filling in for exDH, no making arrangements for him, no helping out. HIS DAYS.

I gave the schools a list of the agreed contact times and added him as primary contact on those days ( they had his telephone details prior).

I even had to go as far as not answering my phone, when school rang to say he hadn't turned up to collect them.

His days, his problem. Let the school deal with him as they would any late/unavailable parent.

He soon prioritised.

If this happens again, I'd pick up both kids and send a message that you're sorry he hasn't complied with the court order, you've reluctantly stepped in to ensure the welfare of the children, and both will be available for collection at a location convenient at x time or you will assume he doesn't want his weekend contact.

If one child is left, I don't think you need to hang around on the off chance the other child is collected if it's not convenient for you.

Mm... I think if you collect because he has 'forgotten' and take them home and don't contact him, he can use that against you (she's refusing to let me see them/collecting them early before I can get there)...

SO if it happens again - collect, message via the parenting app 'x phoned me to collect as you were not there. Collected at x time. You can collect from me at x location'... and then if he is not there to collect, thats his chance gone.

That way there is zero scope for him to claim you're preventing access, but you're not dragging the kids around the county after him!

No, if the school calls you to pick up because he didn’t turn up, you take them home and tell him he’s welcome to pick them up until X time. Then it’s on him if he doesn’t turn up. You don’t have to facilitate any further than him picking them up from school if he doesn’t show!!

Keep records of all of this and maybe ask the school to provide a letter confirming what happened Friday.

Thank you for the great advice. I asked nursery to document that I had permission to pick youngest up (ex will try to say it didn't at some point) and asked school to document whjch they already had and head teacher was fully aware.
School won't give me anything in writing directly to me, I tried to just get them to say i was the only parent to attend parent evenings etc. But they said they can only put in writing when requested by cafcass and court, so I'll keep reminding them to document so they have a record for if we do need it in the future.

Unfortunately the kids are just collateral damage. It's awful. @AnonWho23

1000% this .
Id go as far as to say he knows what he is doing!
If he doesn’t turn up for collection op gets called and then she is his childcare and taxi service .
All the while the kids are upset and messed around.
He wouldn’t get to do this again . I’d let him take me back to court and you can tell the judge it isn’t working and he isn’t responsible . @BookArt55

Thank you for this! I know exactly what to do until my kids are involved and then I doubt myself. What you say makes so much sense @Blackdow @Imbusytodaysorry next time we are going home for cuddles, snacks and a locked front door!

If the school Phone you again ask them to email you to say that he hasn’t turned up to pick them up. If you can get friendly with the school receptionist that will be very useful to have in writing if it becomes a pattern.

I have a feeling he might get over wanting to be with them in “ his days “ very fast .
you did nothing wrong .

Another vote for not ringing him next time. Take the kids to their club and your phone can conveniently run out of charge.

I find this INFURIATING.
Dad drags a mother through court to get more time then doenst show up for his time and still expects his ex girlfriend to do the wife work of organizing and paying for after school care even though she didn't even know he needed it! You couldn't make this outrageous nonsense up! I have no respect for people like him.

It's so hard as you want to just let him make his bed and lie in it but you don't want children to suffer.
I would say 'you have let down and upset your children and inconvenienced me by making me to step in to parent for you or your court ordered time. You have all of the information I do from school and you're an adult capable of organizing yourself and the children's admin, aren't you? Of if you're not then they can come to me on Fridays and see you on Saturdays instead. If you do not show up to school to collect them, which is distressing for them and neglected, I will return to court to have the order varied'

Agree. He has forfeited his time. She didn't need to answer his calls tbh

I hate to say this, but having just come out of 10 years in and out of proceedings, my honest advice to you is that whilst the family court claims to put kids first, legally they take a position that contact with both parents is better and this means they don’t care at all about stuff like this, or people not going to parents evening, none of it. They don’t care and if you raise it, you are considered petty and hostile.
In the family courts right now there are mothers, trying and failing to protect their kids from having contact with fathers who the child has accused of sexually abusing them, and living in fear of their children being taken away from them and placed full time with the other parents if they don’t obey the court order. It’s a shit show.
Family court is not going to protect you from this bullshit is what I’m saying. and if you withhold contact or go back because of this, they may well hammer you. Strongly advise you not to turn your phone off etc.
It’s not fair, it really isn’t . but you’ve got a two-year-old there, you’ve got a long journey in front of you. 100% You should not pay for his stuff on his time. But otherwise I think all you can do is first of all protect the kids, and that means go and pick them up if they need to be picked up, and try to avoid conflict with him. He might feel like he needs a win because he’s angry at not getting his way, let him have it as much as you can.
I tried to stand up to my ex when he was controlling and it got twisted and used against me over and over again, and the more conflict there was between us, the more he did shitty things to our child to punish me, and our child is now suffering the longterm effects of it.
again, it isn’t fair. But it will probably be better for you and your kids if you largely suck it up. The family court system is not fit for purpose so just being pragmatic.

Thank you for sharing this this is so helpful for my situation I can highlight at least half of this that my ex has been doing

I think the time limit is a good idea, if it won't upset your kids and ruin your plans too much

If he doesn't pick them up, you collect him and keep them. He's the one who's fucking about with the court orders. He doesn't get to use it to call the shots. Let him take it back to courts where you will attend with your logs.

If you're worried he won't collect them, go anyway and wait I would.

I'd let it go back to court to close the holes.

read your updates. Can you go back to court? He’s an utterly shit person honestly X

Edited because I’m very tired and miss read your post - I said school need to be recording this but you said they had already!! 🙈

Your ex is vile. You sound lovely - your kids are lucky to have you on their side.

Thinking about it, you could email the teacher to say thank you for looking after your little one today when their poor excuse for a father didn’t turn up and to let them know your child is ok (they could well be worrying about them). If you get a reply, you have something in writing / date stamped without it being an official anything. I’ve done that before now (I’m a teacher).

There just isn't any point at the moment we are weeks in to this new order. And @KurtShirty is so right with their post. Fortunately my ex showed in court what he was like, he was so confident he was right he said things that hurt his case. However my proof of him endangering our kids, with witnesses, videos, shkwing his lack of knowledge about health issues etc, weren't actually the reason why he got less time. Which is mad. I already know he has broken the court ordered contact three times, hasn't been following the Specific Issue Order at all, and continues to verbally abuse me on the parenting app, plus continues to discuss adult issues with two very young kids and not always follow medical advice... all discussed in court. Along with other things that would probably surprise a few people here about safety.

I suppose I just need to find how best to manage it that puts my mind at ease as best as I can for the kids sake, and document everything. I've learnt to be more open with professionals involved and they have been so helpful with documenting so it comes from a third party (doctors putting in letters that me and the two kids attended but no dad for example). So just have to keep going. Whst has been great about this forum is the creativity people have with how to deal with people like this... it has been so useful.