Ex didn't pick eldest up from school, have i done something wrong here?

[BookArt55]

So today is the second time dad is picking the kids up from school and nursery and having them for two nights since a lives with order in my favour was put in place and dad has spends a time order.

School pickup is 3.15pm. I get a call at 3.45pm from school saying they've called dad, no answer, can I get my eldest. Off I go. Once I have the eldest I message dad. He messages back saying eldest should be in afterschool club despite never, ever having attended on a Friday. By this time I've automatically driven to nursery, i wait outside until dad agrees I can pick youngest up, so I do.

By this point we should go straight to the kid's favourite club, so I start driving there to be told by dad that I need to meet him at our handover location as they have a bbq to get to. I raise the kid's club and was told again to go straight to handover location. So I do, the kid's miss their club, I hand the kids over.

Kids cried when daddy didn't pick them up as I had this time (following previous advice from here) kept it very simple; daddy was picking them up and I would see them after their time with daddy. I thought it was a foolproof explanation...
They cried they weren't going to their club, again it is because I have to pack their bags this morning with the uniform so they knew already (dad won't supply his own uniform).

Dad is now saying that I should have known his work schedule has changed and booked afterschool club, and now wants me to book and pay for it. We communicate on a parenting app, he has never said this. I also don't need childcare on a Friday afterschool so I don't think I should organise or pay. He also hadn't informed the school or afterschool club. The first Friday pick up from school since the court was out in place, dad picked eldest up from the classroom, no problem, they got youngest, then took them to their club. So not sure why there is a problem now... well I would assume control, causing chaos, forgot, napping, doesn't like running around after the kids doing kid things... but then I'm being cynical.

Should I have handed the kids over? I think so because it is a court order even if he didn't pick eldest up.

He pays CMS, but that doesn't mean i should pay for his childcare on his days, right?

I took everyone's advice and didn't take the blame. I told the children a simple, child friendly explanation which did include a lot of 'i don't know the answer to that question.'

Sounds like he’s seeing how far he can push. First he pushes you into paying for after school club, then he’ll mess with the drop off times or something similar. He’s having a. Strop basically and using the children as pawns.
For now just send, on repeat if necessary, the court order.

So if I had taken them home today, I wouldn't have been going against the court order? So worried about being in contempt of court/giving him something to use against me!
I wanted to ignore his demands and just take the kids home.

I have a time limit on my ex. If he doesn't pick DS up within an hour of the supposed pick up time then he forfeits contact that weekend. Do not pay for childcare on his days and do not ferry the kids around on his demand, you'll be expected to do it every time and he will never learn to take responsibility. I'm sorry you're going through this

You should report HIM for not picking the kids up.

What if you had gone away for the night!?

I don't and have never kicked off despite him pushingme very fair, but he's great at making things up about me and calling the police on me with no evidence whatsoever. So it never goes anywhere, they someone even tell me he's contacted them, I have only found out through the court documentation.
But i am very much guilty of doing as I am told. The last year I've put boundaries in place but he's an expert at pushing back. Now with the new court order he's pushing on every part, including saying he would meet me at nursery for handover, but it specifically states in the court order that school and nursery can not be used for handovers.
However, even his most unreasonable requests he doesn't see as unreasonable. Telling the judge he wanted every Christmas, birthday, Easter, every bank holiday and any other special occasion he could come up with. He said that was reasonable. And he believes it. What he says goes.
He goes through the kids when I hold boundaries. So I am prepared for two very upset and angry kids to come back.

Can you not take him back to court for failing to stick to it? Make him stand in front of a judge and make more of these demands.

If you have to collect them again then, very unfortunately, you have to make last minute alternative childcare plans which you can’t just undo so he’ll have to miss his weekend. It isn’t your fault he didn’t answer his phone and didn’t collect the kids.

What a horrible man. I wouldn’t have done anything though. I’d have left it between school and him. Once he’d well and truly not met the court conditions, I’d have gone back to court. You need to allow it to fall apart/get to crisis point sadly.

Thanks for confirming I don't need to organise or pay for childcare. I've contacted the afterschool club and told them that Dad may be in touch and to charge him separately and to organise a separate log in for him. Thank you.

Shockingly the judge discussed how dad having them from 'school pick up' meant he could take them to one of their clubs because dad is so keen to play an active role in the kid's lives so this gave him the opportunity. Second opportunity... he didn't bother.

I've learnt that next time, I don't doubt their will be a next time, I will collect both kids and not contact him at all. My notifications will remain off. I will focus on the kids and leave him to it. He forfeited his contact time.

He's pushing back in other way like not paying CMS, so I've reported him for the collect and pay, sorry can't remember the terminology. What a surprise that I get a bossy message saying I'm out of order for not reminding him to pay, and that I MUST now cancel my request... Nope, CMS can make a decision.

I don't think I could just leave the kids not being picked up. I want to because ex is a twat, but I would have to go and get them. It really affected my eldest being left at school today, the teacher shared how upset he was.

💐

She can’t do that. If he doesn’t answer his phone and she does, she cannot tell the school that it’s nothing to do with her. That’s neglect and social services will be told she refused.
If OP was literally not available (like in the cinema or on a plane) then she would be fine, easy defence of “here is the court order so I didn’t need to be available” but if she is available and refuses to collect them then that’s neglect. It should be neglect for him too and OP can pursue that if she wishes.

I think you're right, this will eventually end up back in court. Dad told the judge that already. So I'm just gathering and documenting, and trying to do what is best for the kids... but I'm not always doing the right thing! My barrister said you have to give it time, going back too soon won't be good, you have to been seen to give it a good try.
But this isn't the only part of tbe court order he hasn't followed. Every week there is more and more.

Record, record, record. Keep all the evidence
A journal. Messages etc. Then back to court.

X post!

I have been in your situation, thankfully, but what would have happened if you had gone away for the weekend?

Keep all communication through the app and business like - polite and non emotional. Use this to build your evidence.

E.g. next Thursday...

"Hello Bob, please remember the children are due to be collected from school at 3.15pm tomorrow. If you need after school club, you will need to book and pay for this with the school directly. Unlike last week, I will not be available to collect them if you do not."

Then Let him screw himself over in his responses.

So my barrister told me my court order is very detailed, most detailed she has ever had... however it isn't detailed enough for me and I tried to get more times/specifics put in once the draft was sent but the judge didn't.
So it just says 'pick up from school/nursery'. Nursery closes at 6pm. So I could have got eldest at 3pm, but would have to wait until 6pm. At that point ex will have probably gone and collected her (and nursery called him to confirm permission for me to collect today as I gave them the court order). So I potentially could end up with one kid and not the other, which would be really upsetting for them as youngest only feels comfy because eldest is with them.
Judge didn't put in my times for school holidays, but pattern remains. Over eater dad decided the time which was less than my proposal, but no surprise fits in around his working hours.
Illness- not put in, again I wanted this, left out. But if i am honest i will happily do it as he can't be trusted to make safe decisions for the kids. Most of the detail was put in around medicines... don't get me started on that.

I’m so sorry and I remember your other thread so clearly and how much I detested your vile ex. he’s absolutely HIDEOUS.
i haven’t read everything today as just got in - but I do think you need to let it fall apart. The court says it’s him to collect.
I understand you’re trying to protect your children - but they’re in school and nursery so they’re safe so leave them so the teachers and nursery have a record he’s not collecting.
And like others have said record record every little detail. I’m sure it will go back to court.
In the meantime - don’t forget your self care tonight / tomorrow pls do something for you and recuperate.
sending lots of strength and love to you - you are a fab mum xx

Wow. He sounds very controlling and manipulative. Do you have access to a solicitor..? I’d raise this with them and ask what you should do. Their dad sounds useless and this kind of thing is so damaging for them- if he continues to be so shambolic and letting them down I’d consider reducing his contact if I could. Best of luck to you x

She can’t leave them there is she is available. That is neglect and SHE will be in trouble with social services. She needs to collect them if she is available; she will still have it on record that he didn’t show up so that’s all she needs. If she is genuinely unavailable and the school can’t get dad on the phone either then social services will be called but OP won’t be in any trouble for that, if she was really uncontactable (which she is allowed to be as she has a court order saying he is picking up so she can go be booked up).

Ah ok …. I didn’t realise that. So if you pick up and you can get there you have to go even if it’s not your time? I thought the OP said the nursery had to phone the dad for permission for her to collect.
its so complicated. In these instances I’m so glad I was a completely sole parent

My family actually encouraged me to send the message after I had picked up my eldest, I wish I hadn't of followed their advice and won't again. My worry was that yes he didn't pick up the eldest, but the nursery technically he has until 6pm. The nursery even called him when I showed up because I've given them the court order to cover me from his previous antics. Youngest would really struggle going to her dad's alone, only 2 years old and feels more comfortable when older sibling goes with.

Don't arrange or pay for afterschool club.

Next time. Collect them and go about your day. So take them to their club "you can collect from their club" or go shopping/home whatever and tell him he can meet you where you're going.

This is for control. Stand your ground. Don't dance to the beat of his drum.

But presumably youngest is booked for specific sessions at nursery and he will be charged for late collections?

He hasn’t not turned up for nursery. He didn’t turn up at school, they waited a long time before calling her and she went to get the kid. Then she went to get the other one, but nursery hasn’t gone through the same process of waiting for dad and calling him because he wasn’t late yet. She shot herself in the foot there. She should have waited until he didn’t show up and nursery had to call her. But because she just went to get the youngest, the nursery had to check dad was ok with it and it’s less evidence of him not turning up.

No i pay the full nursery bill, so the bill would go to me... so annoyed at myself for not thinking this through jn court. But during the process it was about giving him as little time as possible for the kid's emotional wellbeing. The judge agreed with my plan... but it wasn't detailed enough it seems. It isn't until I'm living it that I see the holes...