Single mum - am I right to be annoyed by this type of comment?

[blythet]

Ive been a single mum since my Dd was 1 (my exH had an affair while I was pregnant).
Dd stays overnight with her dad 2 weeknights per week. With me rest of the time.

I work full time in a stressful & demanding job but lucky enough to have flexi time so I’m able to school runs etc when Dd is with me and the 2 nights she’s with her dad I work late and start early the next day.

my dd is also ND although in mainstream school but I find it hard to manage too but think I’m doing quite well considering. She doesn’t cope well with having to go to her dads and has huge anxiety and meltdowns before going (there is a court order in place so I have no option for her to go).

I do all school stuff, all homework with dd, drs/dentist, driving to clubs etc - it’s all me. Other than the 2 nights she’s with her dad he’s pretty hands off.

anwyay, the type of comment that annoys me is when other mums say “oh you’re so lucky. I’d love a 2 nights ‘holiday’ every week”

this is something an acquaintance said to me last night but I get similar comments fairly regularly. I always smile and agree when in reality I feel like saying:

”well I’d love to have a hands on supportive husband and my Dd with me 100% of the time. Instead of me doing 50% of everything, I’m doing 100% of stuff 5 out of 7 nights a week. On top of that I’m working longer hours when Dd is away to compensate and I’m mentally drained from dealing with the anxiety and distress she experiences from the way she struggles with the situation. I also spend my ‘holiday’ catching up on everything in the house, sorting uniforms, food shopping, housework, scrubbing toilets because 1: I’m one person doing all of this instesd of two; and 2)I don’t get a second to do any of this the other 5 out of 7 days/nights.
On tip of all that it doesn’t feel like a ‘holiday’ as despite how hard it is given all the above, as a mum (and purely from a selfish pov) I don’t want a ‘holiday’ and would rather have my Dd with me all the time”

This rant aside, I’m actually very happy in my life but when I get this type of comment it just feels really insensitive. But I’m presuming it comes from a place of not knowing what the reality is like for many single mums

You are right - people find it hard to step into someone else’s shoes.

I do hear you OP however I think sadly there aren’t as many men stepping up and sharing the load as we think so she may have a point. Often not only do these men not share the load but they add to the load. At least you are getting 2 nights when you can catchup.

As much as they don’t walk in your shoes, nor do you walk in theirs.

When they make comments like this, you could just say ‘you have no idea, but it’s interesting you view it like that’.

At the same time, not being a single mum doesn’t mean that life isn’t relentless, and few couples have everything down. You could be a little more empathetic too.

@1apenny2apenny I do get that but I wouldn’t be in the type of marriage where my DH added to the load so I guess I dont see that as an option.

You could also be right more generally but the comment last night was from a neighbour that I know relatively well. He does 100% of cooking (I suspect he does a lot more than that around the house too but that’s the only thing they’ve shared as in “Ben does all the cooking, he’s an amazing cook”. He also does all the school runs as I see him there.
The DH is also a high earner and they have a cleaner twice a week.

The one thing I find hardest about it all is helping my Dd with her anxiety and ND traits on my own without any support. Her biggest trigger is the lead up of going to her dads so I’m emotionally drained. If I was with her dad, regardless of how hands on or off he was, I wouldn’t have that aspect to deal with

I think people often say such things just for chit chat and don't mean a lot by it. There's a happier medium between smiling/agreeing and having a big rant about it. You could laughingly say "Well I need a break after looking after her single-handedly the rest of the time." or similar. Then they likely won't say it again.

How old is your daughter? When can she stop having overnights? Or can she just do outings with her dad and stay at home every night?

I've not had nights off, ever. It's gruelling. You have my sympathy.

Small children are hard work for everyone. It’s not a race to the bottom.

Yes it shows an incredible lack of understanding or care if not antagonism along with all the snarky comments mums can get like SAHP "lady of leisure", leaves work on time for pick up "works part time"

Just nod and say sure. It really is the simplest answer and if made deliberately in bad faith is not the reaction they are hoping for

@Motherknowsrestoh that’s tough. You have my sympathy too.
dont get me wrong - I think it would definitely be harder to have no break at all and I don’t know how single mums where the father is absent cope. I could absolutely understand them making comments about wanting a break.

its the comments from people in happy supportive marriages that are ‘jealous of my break’ that get my back up.

my Dd is 9 - her dad is very stubborn and very much has an “I’m the adult so what I say goes” type attitude. The difficulty is there is a court agreement in place and he insists on having her overnight. I could go back to court but have been told that as there is an established routine of her staying at her dads it would take something monumental for a judge to remove that (as in abuse/danger etc). Whereas in my daughter’s case she just has a preference to be with me. It’s tough but I’m hoping in a few years she’ll have more say

@pinkdelight I think is actually the perfect response. Thanks!

I might even say “yeah, I need the time to catch up with work and the house after single handedly looking after Dd the rest of the week”

Those comments are really stupid and thoughtless, I'd be irritated too. People do not engage their brains sometimes.

In case you needed to hear it, you're doing a marvellous job, OP, and are a great role model for your daughter.

Yes I agree. They are probably the sorts of people who can’t cope when their partner goes away for a few days and will tell you “I felt like a single mum” ignoring the fact they don’t have to cope with the mental, physical, financial and emotional load of being a single parent 24/7. Some people are just tone deaf.

It must be hard being a single mum absolutely, there are many mums that never get a break as the dad is completely out of the picture. Everyone thinks they have the hardest time. Just smile and ignore.

@Fififafa hahaha yeah my sister actually does this. She has a fab DH, brilliant around the house and amazing with the kids.
probably actually does more than 50%
he has his own painting and decorating business and a few weeks ago spent a full weekend working long days to get spending money for their holiday.
my sister actually posted on SM about her hard weekend of “solo parenting” 😂😂

I actually find the lack of emotional support the single hardest bit - I can manage the rest!

Totally agree, I had comments like this when I was single with 3 kids and no involvement from their dad, my mam would have the kids overnight once a month or so and by that point I was on my knees, people don't realise how relentless being a single parent is.

People make flippant comments all the time - you don't walk in someone else's shoes - you don't know what they go through - you only see what you want to see. Best to try and not to overthink comments like these - just shake it off!

Its a dumb comment. Maybe don't agree with them and say it's not as easy as it looks.

@Whippetlovelyi completely agree there are many that have it way worse than me. I’ve said that in my follow up responses.

i don’t actually think im particularly hard done by and have lots of positives in my life and feel I’m doing well.

it’s the comments from mum’s with supportive husbands going on about me getting a ‘holiday’ or a ‘nice break’ that annoy me. If it was a single mum that was jealous of my ‘break’ I’d absolutely sympathise

@MightAsWellBeGretelthats lovely of you to say ❤️

I hear what you’re saying, and at the risk of being unpopular I would have killed for 2 nights off and would have gone straight down the pub, with my work laptop if necessary. It was not being able to go anywhere at night that was depressing for me

But if you have a partner at home
to share the childcare presumably you can give each other turns in having nights off to go out?

You’re right OP. Single mum is a very very tough gig because you’re juggling so many plates without any other adult to rely on or to take over. People who have never been in this position have no idea of how exhausting it can be. Take care of yourself and 💐

YANBU. I think (some) people don't understand how hard it is to do all the hard bits, the emotional bits with DC and lose time with your DC and then on top have to deal with their issues over going back and forth, the fact they haven't had their main emotional support around for 2 days or whatever. Plus the lack of routine that going back and forth gives. It's draining and I feel for you.

As a single mother, I totally feel for you, OP. One thing I’ll say though is that when I wasn’t running solo and I had a partner, he was utter shit with the kids and made everything much harder and more work. So you can’t assume having a partner around is helpful, unfortunately. They might well be wishing they had two nights off a week of juggling kids and a demanding lazy g*t partner!

@RaspberryBeretxxthanks. This hits the nail on the head. Exactly what I was trying (but failing) to articulate