Single mum - am I right to be annoyed by this type of comment?

[blythet]

Ive been a single mum since my Dd was 1 (my exH had an affair while I was pregnant).
Dd stays overnight with her dad 2 weeknights per week. With me rest of the time.

I work full time in a stressful & demanding job but lucky enough to have flexi time so I’m able to school runs etc when Dd is with me and the 2 nights she’s with her dad I work late and start early the next day.

my dd is also ND although in mainstream school but I find it hard to manage too but think I’m doing quite well considering. She doesn’t cope well with having to go to her dads and has huge anxiety and meltdowns before going (there is a court order in place so I have no option for her to go).

I do all school stuff, all homework with dd, drs/dentist, driving to clubs etc - it’s all me. Other than the 2 nights she’s with her dad he’s pretty hands off.

anwyay, the type of comment that annoys me is when other mums say “oh you’re so lucky. I’d love a 2 nights ‘holiday’ every week”

this is something an acquaintance said to me last night but I get similar comments fairly regularly. I always smile and agree when in reality I feel like saying:

”well I’d love to have a hands on supportive husband and my Dd with me 100% of the time. Instead of me doing 50% of everything, I’m doing 100% of stuff 5 out of 7 nights a week. On top of that I’m working longer hours when Dd is away to compensate and I’m mentally drained from dealing with the anxiety and distress she experiences from the way she struggles with the situation. I also spend my ‘holiday’ catching up on everything in the house, sorting uniforms, food shopping, housework, scrubbing toilets because 1: I’m one person doing all of this instesd of two; and 2)I don’t get a second to do any of this the other 5 out of 7 days/nights.
On tip of all that it doesn’t feel like a ‘holiday’ as despite how hard it is given all the above, as a mum (and purely from a selfish pov) I don’t want a ‘holiday’ and would rather have my Dd with me all the time”

This rant aside, I’m actually very happy in my life but when I get this type of comment it just feels really insensitive. But I’m presuming it comes from a place of not knowing what the reality is like for many single mums

OP people do not get it. My Ex would randomly take our 2 and then say t 1700as he picked them up having told me at 1500 he was on his way - that i could have a night off and go out for a drink with friends - who all had family and commitments and could not make such short notice!

You do not get time off as you are still doing the planning, washing etc the only thing you do not do is put them to bed and cook their tea - hardly a break.

Even now with teens I still do all the mental and planning load but now more complex because they have opinions and say no!

Stupid comments, but I don’t think people mean it to be rude or anything I think it often comes from trying to make you feel better or awkwardness really. My mother was in a similar situation to you for a period of time when my dad was drinking heavily and yes I would go to his and she got “weekends off”, but she was worried sick the whole time. You’re absolutely not unreasonable to be annoyed by it. A lot of women who do have husbands at home are still having to do all the work + dealing with a miserable/useless/cheating (select all that apply) man in the house as well tho, so at least you’re rid of him. While it may be hard, it’s better than living with someone who was morally bankrupt enough to cheat on a pregnant woman.

Agree. I’m a totally lone mum with no family support and people still say ‘must be lovely to be able to decide everything’ and stuff like that when I am on my knees with tiredness and fatigue.

I'm a single mum to a 1 year old and father is 0% involved in any way and honestly it's probably easier than having to co-parent with someone who does FA. Disparaging comments are made about us all the time! People are generally very judgmental and generalising without knowing anything about your situation. Even at work this morning someone made a throwaway comment about single mums and then was really embarrassed when he remembered I am one.

TBH people are very judgmental of ALL mums compared to dads. Single mums are singled out when they're the ones always doing everything and picking up the pieces. Dads are praised for doing the bare minimum. It's exhausting isn't it?

You’re right, those are ridiculously thoughtless and ignorant comments.

If those people think you’re better off doing 5/7 of everything (and you’ll probably be doing more because the mental load doesn’t depend on where the child physically is), they need to look to their own partners, as that’s where their problem lies!

How insensitive of them!

Men don't step up to their parental responsibilities

And men don't mention this

They just walk away

Absolved

Smile and wave
Do not waste your energy

Exactly. Also the worry about the consequences of losing your job as the sole earner. Whilst some in 2 parent households may also have a SAHP as least there are 2 of them to share the load.

I was going to suggest that you make a comment about how it must be lovely to have the dad there all the time sharing the load giving them time off every day...

Sadly, I think Penny is right though. There are some good ones out there but not as many as you would hope.

I think there’s always the element of the grass always looks greener on the other side so don’t take comments personally as no one understands. I’m married, I’m pretty much a stay at home mom, hubby helps but has a very demanding job so I try not to land any form of responsibility on him, especially as I’m at home. Im lonely and I find it fairly mind numbing. I do work but not very often as we have no one to really help with childcare and we were not going to be any better off paying for it. We’ve been out together 3 times in 5 years. We go out individually but not very often as I always feel guilty doing this, even if I’ve only gone to the gym. I end up doing things like going to the gym at 5.30am to be back before he goes to work as everyone’s asleep and it doesn’t impact anything. I see loads of people on social media who have gone out and left their kids with someone, we don’t get this, I get told I look well when I’ve had a day at work and it’s because I’ve had a break. Working full time was much easier. Ultimately everyone sees what they want to and not the reality and everyone’s circumstances can be difficult for different reasons.

I think it happens when people feel sorry for you but have to try and say something to make you feel better.

It’s stupid but I just smile and say nothing when people do similar to me.

Your post was really patronising.

How about “I feel like a single parent because my dh works away 2 nights a week”. That gets on my pip!

I'm sorry you took it that way. That wasn't how it was intended.

The useless partners wouldn't bloody have them and they'd end up worse off.

It's easier without ex making extra work and being useless with the kids or putting them in danger. Still bloody hard though.

Yeah, I've had enough of the dick head comments from people in the past.

We have 5 disabilities and 6 diagnosed conditions between 3 of us. (4 and 6 between two of us) as well as single parenting.

I remember people rallying round a mum whose partner went into hospital for a couple of days, saying how hard it was for her....whilst being a disabled single parent to two disabled children. Helping out fine and good for them, but don't totally ignore people who do that full time without at least acknowledging that. They only comments I got were from someone who repeatedly stated they couldn't understand why people (me) couldn't get to church on time... Pissed me right off.

Bloody hell, some people are stupid.

It might be nice to not have to compromise on the odd thing here and there but do they really think that outweighs all the other stuff you have to decide/organise/pay for etc.

I understand your point but I actually found it easier being single as I did get a 2 day break, when with partner he did very little and no family helped either. I had no expectations when separated so wasn’t as resentful. When I was single family offered to help me more too

I was a single mum for about 7/8 years before meeting my partner and having my second - now I’m in a 2 parent set up.

I hated that comment too, but then I would also hate the sympathy I received - “oh I couldn’t do it if I were you” … umm yes you would because a majority of us just get on with it.

From experiencing being in a 2 parent situation I’d say that what these people are probably “complaining” about is how suffocating it can be when you are with someone 24/7 pretty much - but they are obviously not thinking about the fact that they get to deal with the stress of parenting with someone. Gosh the amount of times I wish I had a second adult to confind in or to split the load with or to help with pick up or share who goes to which school event - I would have loved that but actually every single decision fell on me! And whilst it’s simpler because there aren’t any arguments or conflicting views - it’s also hard because how do you know you’re doing it right?

Anyway - I’m with you - having a break as a lone parent is playing catch up. With a partner, I can take an hour out in the evening or do some grocery shopping alone during the week - but as a lone parent my DD went absolutly everywhere with me - and having the weekend (well it was just a night for me) was cramming life admin, House admin and a little down time.

I’m a lone parent of 3 including twins since the twins were babies. Ex husband of 20 years left pretty much overnight. (Just for context not a race to the bottom 😂) I get all sorts of comments i largely brush them off now as I found myself stewing in rage too much! Have to say my sibling is the worst though - married 2 older self sufficient kids works part time (and that’s only recently having been a STAHM for over a decade) and she is always bemoaning how stressed and tired she is 😂. I find unless you meet someone in the same situation people are in their own “woe is me my life is so much harder” bubble and will look for any perceived bonus (like your child being with their dad 2 nights a week) to justify why their lives are worse . I tend to just roll my eyes now

I agree with you OP that in many ways I’d find the 2 nights with her dad harder than no nights given your DD ND - especially the emotional build up and the extended hours with work to make time up. It’s the added layer of stress that you just don’t need.

It is an incredibly insensitive comment to make, particularly to someone’s face! The comment is based on the (often incorrect) assumption that both ex-partners are pulling their weight equally and therefore any time spent without the child is like having a genuine holiday. Very rarely is it like this. I actually would start correcting people next time OP. Sometimes we need to embarrass people into realising their comments are insensitive or inappropriate.

This 💯. I'm not a single parent but with DP who works shifts and doesn't do 50/50 it's mostly down to me. Both of my days off at weekends I have the kids often alone as he is working but he has his days off in the week the. They are at school and I'm at work so he gets two lovely days to do his things. I NEVER get that.

I would say it is prudent to overlook an insult. Always assume the best and that the person wasn't trying to be insulting. You will find a lot more peace in your life

This! Life is much easier now I've separated even though I don't get any days off as ex is useless. That's not to say things aren't tough for you OP. We all have our own challenges.