Single mum - am I right to be annoyed by this type of comment?

[blythet]

Ive been a single mum since my Dd was 1 (my exH had an affair while I was pregnant).
Dd stays overnight with her dad 2 weeknights per week. With me rest of the time.

I work full time in a stressful & demanding job but lucky enough to have flexi time so I’m able to school runs etc when Dd is with me and the 2 nights she’s with her dad I work late and start early the next day.

my dd is also ND although in mainstream school but I find it hard to manage too but think I’m doing quite well considering. She doesn’t cope well with having to go to her dads and has huge anxiety and meltdowns before going (there is a court order in place so I have no option for her to go).

I do all school stuff, all homework with dd, drs/dentist, driving to clubs etc - it’s all me. Other than the 2 nights she’s with her dad he’s pretty hands off.

anwyay, the type of comment that annoys me is when other mums say “oh you’re so lucky. I’d love a 2 nights ‘holiday’ every week”

this is something an acquaintance said to me last night but I get similar comments fairly regularly. I always smile and agree when in reality I feel like saying:

”well I’d love to have a hands on supportive husband and my Dd with me 100% of the time. Instead of me doing 50% of everything, I’m doing 100% of stuff 5 out of 7 nights a week. On top of that I’m working longer hours when Dd is away to compensate and I’m mentally drained from dealing with the anxiety and distress she experiences from the way she struggles with the situation. I also spend my ‘holiday’ catching up on everything in the house, sorting uniforms, food shopping, housework, scrubbing toilets because 1: I’m one person doing all of this instesd of two; and 2)I don’t get a second to do any of this the other 5 out of 7 days/nights.
On tip of all that it doesn’t feel like a ‘holiday’ as despite how hard it is given all the above, as a mum (and purely from a selfish pov) I don’t want a ‘holiday’ and would rather have my Dd with me all the time”

This rant aside, I’m actually very happy in my life but when I get this type of comment it just feels really insensitive. But I’m presuming it comes from a place of not knowing what the reality is like for many single mums

I think a lot of people are just really bad at conversation. They always feel they have to comment on everything from their own perspective rather than giving other people space to explain theirs. So rather than 'How do you find that?' They jump in with either 'you're so lucky!' Or 'That's sounds awful, poor you' comments, both of which risk causing offence.

People have NO IDEA how hard single parenting is. And often conveniently forget in their enthusiasm to be in our position that they would also have zero emotional support and in many cases zero financial support either from the other parent, let alone zero practical support when the child is with you. I heard this all the time when my son was younger from people, it’s almost as annoying as people who say they are “practically a single parent” because their husband is off working a lot yet again ignore the fact that they have love, support and money from their husband that you don’t have.

I get it 💐. Some people seem to think it's like putting your DC on ice or pressing pause for a couple of days for a lovely break for you then restarting them with zero consequences. Try getting an overtired DC back who needs to sleep before school the next day while also desperately needing connection time with you and generally disregulated but who you've missed desperately and they're also annoyed you packed the wrong pants (or whatever!), worried about school the next day and on and on and on... And that's without any ND on my DS's part. Argh!

I had a bit of help with childcare from tax credits when DS was tiny and the CM said several times that they'd be much better off financially (ie they'd get benefits) if her and her DH split up. Failing to see that they'd have to sell their lovely 4 bed detached house and need to pay for 2 households, she'd lose her lovely DH's love and support and income. She is lovely generally but those comments were baffling.

Yes you are right I think no one understands because they aren't walking in your shoes. I do get time to go running ect while he watches the kids, also taking kids to clubs ect. I imagine being a single mum is bloody hard work running around like a blue arse fly, especially if your child has needs. I would struggle big time.

I can completely relate!
I am in a similar situation, ExH lives 3 hours away as has DS every other weekend. I have a full time job and am self employed and do everything at home and for DS.
DS went last weekend and my friend said ‘at least you have time to enjoy yourself child free’
Without being rude people who have never done this have absolutely no idea.

Yanbu. It doesn’t matter what you do on the days you don’t have DD- even if you did choose to go to the pub those two nights and do absolutely no housework or extra hours at work, even if it was a ‘break’ as others seem to see it, it still wouldn’t compensate for the fact that the other five days a week it’s all you, with no input or help from her father. Also, you didn’t choose this. That’s what makes these comments insensitive.

Can I just say you are doing an incredibly hard job amazingly well. I've been a single mum with a deadbeat ex and later a mum with a partner who is a 100% hands on dad and fully present in his child's life. There is NO COMPARISON!

You are doing a two person job (parenting) 5 days a week, plus working your job, plus working extra hours 2 days a week, plus catching up on what you have not been able to do on the days you are working your job and doing the 2 parents job on the two days you don't have your daughter! Plus dealing with a neurodiverse child!!

I'm exhausted just reading that back.

Ignore the comments from people who haven't a clue what they're talking about!

I am a single parent too. 3dc, although 1 is away at uni now. 1 still in primary although only for a few more weeks (eek!) All of us are ND. It’s…a lot. I agree it’s hard.

People who say this sort of thing come from a position of not knowing the reality, and I’m glad for them. I wouldn’t want others to feel the same hardships as I do, I certainly don’t resent their position of relative/perceived calm. They may have all sorts of stuff going on that makes their life hard in different ways that I know absolutely nothing about.

Plus whilst I wish that my dc didn’t have to go to their dads house sometimes because resettling into being home again takes a bit of effort, I know that it’s really important for them. We are giving them the best childhood we possibly can between us.

And I DO look at it like a break- a break from being responsible for a while. I do all the things you mention whilst they aren’t here but I also make time to do my own things. It’s lovely and I feel rejuvenated for when they return.

I hope you manage to find some peace too x

I hate the too. I get really upset.

"That's the opposite of how I feel I'd want her full time if I had the choice. The transitions are so tough and I have to force her to go. It's very hard and I work more when I don't have her so it's not a break"

Or

"That's not my experience it's harder I have to plan my life around that time off and work more and my child finds it so tough yoyoing at least you have full choice about how you plan your life and your children are settled."

I've burst in to tears before.

You are not alone x

I also get no help from family. And when I ask it was "can't you go out when children are with your ex"
Because all work trips, friends birthdays, social invites we will also fall on those days and people will plan their life around MY parenting schedule....🙈

Definitely a thoughtless comment. No consideration at all for your actual experiences.

Also when two-parent households have one parent working away temporarily or something, and the other parent will say "Oh I'm a single parent this week!" - if only all single parents were receiving a full additional income without any effort on their part.

I'm a lone parent, no father involvement, no maintaince and 2 children. Been a single parent since they where 1 and 3 and work full time. I would say to you your lucky you get 2 nights a week 'off'. You can plan to do something on them nights. You can have an early night, recharge etc. I have to be on 24/7 at all times. No weekend break or mid week break to plan my own things. I have no social life that doesn't include my children as they are still young enough that I can't leave them home alone for a few hours in the evenings. I don't think anyone understands how hard it is unless they are doing the same things.

People are tactless and insensitive.

My ex gave very little emotional support too.

My 'breaks' I used to feel really exhausted until ds was at least 12. Help was erratic at best as the ex used to work shifts.

You are not being unreasonable, but some people have pretty useless partners, so may think it would be easier without them and then having 2 days child free too. Mostly it is a pretty ridiculous comment though, but probably not meant badly. I would find it much harder without my DH's support.

Your DD going to your ex 2 nights and becoming anxious is no good. When my kids dad was around my kids were so naughty for me and good for him because they were scared of him. Red reports at school cutting uniforms you name it I was called in. Now he’s not around and barely sees them I have none of this all 3 of them get on, show less signs of ND even though my son is diagnosed. He is less anxious now. He’s 5 and doesn’t even talk to his dad on FaceTime when he occasionally calls. I would have a look at getting this changed due to her being so anxious. Don’t listen to every one else and bark back in future people are so thick and self absorbed.

This is a good point. And it often happens when people feel awkward about the conversation topic. Better to lean into asking how it is for the other person, than making some inane remark that reflects your thoughts on the situation.

OP people's stupidity never fails to amaze me especially combined with their clear entitlement to have an opinion on situations they have no understanding of.

Of course you would prefer a supportive two parent household. Wasn't that the whole plan when you decided to have kids? Holiday my arse.

I second the pp who said you're doing an amazing job. My sister is in a situation not dissimilar and I don't think people understand what it's like to have the whole house of cards balancing on you and you alone.

i understand your frustration. When DC were little my DH had a mental health breakdown. In the leadup to it I was distraught as he was impossible to live with and I strongly considered leaving him (he got treatment and things turned around entirely). I was distraught.

My childless friend (more acquaintance) launched into a tirade about how things would be way better, how people should break up as soon as one gets pregnant and agree to live separately as then 'they can take turns being parents and being single'. The annoying thing was I'd heard this groundbreaking life advice spew out of her mouth multiple times, always when she was sinking pints and holding court. She really and truly believed she had it all figured out and was so dismissive smug with her delivery. I remember snapping that day (I'm usually calm) and barking at her "no we are not better off. I won't be able to afford the house alone. He's acting like a fucking maniac and I'll have to send DC to him without me there. I won't be a single person, I'll be a single parent. You don't have a clue." Even typing that out I remember the anger bubbling up inside me.

Single parent here too (of two) - kids pretty much with me 95% time. Im very lucky that i have family support but its pretty much always just the three of us. Drives me mad when people post on Instagram that the husband is away for say 2 nights and all the stuff they need to do, and how it's tough being a mum. Big eye roll.

Absolute solidarity OP. I’m a single parent in the way that our arrangement is roughly 65/35 with me but I do 100% of uniforms, sorting childcare, school trips, haircuts etc etc.
the massive difference I have is that I have a partner who I don’t live with but gives me tons of emotional support. The absolute loneliness of having to constantly make decisions as a single parent should not be underestimated.

Lots of us are in marriages where we do 100% of thd heavy lifting - to imply as you do that this wouldn’t be the case with you, assumedly because you wouldn’t put up with it, is deeply unempathetic and tone deaf to the lived experience of many of us. My husband us a weight because of his ongoing depression. I do not feel I can simply walk out. Meanwhile, I have the heavy lifting PLUS a husband who drags not lifts. I have sympathy for your situation (and would certainly not assume you had two days off/week) but your superior tone is almost offensive.

i always imagine the hardest thing about being separated from your child’s dad would be having to hand them over and have no control about what happens when they’re there.
It’s often one of the reasons women stay with a useless nasty man, because it would be worse to leave the kids alone with him.

I admit I have sometimes thought having a couple
of nights ‘off’ a week could be a perk to single parenting, but I wouldn’t dream of saying it because I am aware that in reality it’s not like this - there’s a reason you split up with him, so it’s unlikely he’s a wonderful dad who co-parents like a dream. Also, as much as I’d love a bit of time off, i’d miss my child if she wasn’t with me on a regular basis.

What I’m saying is that when people say this, they probably have useless partners and think (maybe correctly) that their life would be easier without them, and they’d also get a couple of days off. But then if they really wanted this then why haven’t they done it?

I can relate in a way. I was a single parent when my useless ex H disappeared with our next door neighbour. The single parent years are hard and relentless but I found it easier just me and my DS without a rubbish childish husband thrown into the mix. I was skint, exhausted and worn out but we had a happy life and lots of lovely memories. In some ways I was lucky as I didn’t have to send my DS to his father as he wasn’t interested.
Its not forever and gets a little easier the older they get but I do get it

Just say it to them. I'm in a fully together two parent household with a maybe nt maybe Nd child, awaiting diagnosis myself but know I'd fail miserably on my own.

You’re talking about people that are not able to empathise with any other situation than their own. Anyone with an ounce of empathy would realise you have a huge amount on your plate. You sound like you’re spinning a lot of plates and doing really well. Two ways to handle it; suck it up and tell them where to go in your mind or challenge them and face the fall out. They are idiots!

These comments used to piss me off too. No longer applies as I have my youngest full time.

Even if you have a useless OH, you can go for a shower or the toilet in peace while they are supervised. As a single parent I have to time my showers/hair washing once they’ve gone to bed. That’s not to mention the money struggles. As we see on here often, many fathers will do their utmost best to waggle out of paying child maintenance.

Even with a useless partner, it’s much easier than being a lone parent. I had a sickness bug recently and it was very hard work looking after 2 young ones alone. When I did have a 1 day break while ds was at his dads, the day would be spent cleaning and doing the laundry.

Totally agree my ex has nd child 1 weekend out of 3 no extra in school hols etc and people tell me how lucky I am to get that free time. My 1 night to myself is really not worth the hassle as my child doesn't get the emotional and practical support they need plus gets told off for not getting dressed, organised etc and I get told there is 'nothing wrong' with him.
Bet no one has ever told ex how lucky he is to have 19 days to himself our of 21 (he doesnt work) while I deal with school runs, clubs, appointments while trying to work and run a home myself with no family nearby. Sending hugs it's not easy ❤️