Single mum - am I right to be annoyed by this type of comment?

[blythet]

Ive been a single mum since my Dd was 1 (my exH had an affair while I was pregnant).
Dd stays overnight with her dad 2 weeknights per week. With me rest of the time.

I work full time in a stressful & demanding job but lucky enough to have flexi time so I’m able to school runs etc when Dd is with me and the 2 nights she’s with her dad I work late and start early the next day.

my dd is also ND although in mainstream school but I find it hard to manage too but think I’m doing quite well considering. She doesn’t cope well with having to go to her dads and has huge anxiety and meltdowns before going (there is a court order in place so I have no option for her to go).

I do all school stuff, all homework with dd, drs/dentist, driving to clubs etc - it’s all me. Other than the 2 nights she’s with her dad he’s pretty hands off.

anwyay, the type of comment that annoys me is when other mums say “oh you’re so lucky. I’d love a 2 nights ‘holiday’ every week”

this is something an acquaintance said to me last night but I get similar comments fairly regularly. I always smile and agree when in reality I feel like saying:

”well I’d love to have a hands on supportive husband and my Dd with me 100% of the time. Instead of me doing 50% of everything, I’m doing 100% of stuff 5 out of 7 nights a week. On top of that I’m working longer hours when Dd is away to compensate and I’m mentally drained from dealing with the anxiety and distress she experiences from the way she struggles with the situation. I also spend my ‘holiday’ catching up on everything in the house, sorting uniforms, food shopping, housework, scrubbing toilets because 1: I’m one person doing all of this instesd of two; and 2)I don’t get a second to do any of this the other 5 out of 7 days/nights.
On tip of all that it doesn’t feel like a ‘holiday’ as despite how hard it is given all the above, as a mum (and purely from a selfish pov) I don’t want a ‘holiday’ and would rather have my Dd with me all the time”

This rant aside, I’m actually very happy in my life but when I get this type of comment it just feels really insensitive. But I’m presuming it comes from a place of not knowing what the reality is like for many single mums

It’s not a holiday.

For parents who love their children it’s not a holiday to be separated from them. It’s not a holiday to have to work extra to make up the hours at work so you can afford to pay the rent or mortgage.

I think a lot of people don’t realise how different it is. I separated from my child’s father whilst pregnant so got so used to solo parenting that I just assumed that’s what everyone else was experiencing and wondered why anyone would have multiple kids. Child’s father started to visit for a week every 6months and I was amazed at how much easier everything was during that time.

I’m a single mum and have been most of my kids’ lives. 3 are grown up and only 1 left at home who is almost 16 and ND. She refuses to go to visit her dad apart from the occasional weekend to grandparents now and even then comes home early but even when she (and the others) did go for regular contact I also spent the time leading up to it managing the anxiety, the time away receiving texts asking to come home early and the time after dealing with the fallout. Also like you, catching up on work (I had to do nights on call so did them then so could be working day and night!). And of course continuing with the mental load of organising absolutely everything for their lives! It is not a holiday! It is bloody hard. Your neighbour is a CF to make those comments!

Not if you work opposites because of childcare etc. my oh and I see each other when he drops my son at my work on the way to his work, he works 5/6 late shifts a week, so he gets home early hours of the morning sleeps until I leave for work, does the school run, comes home sleeps, does the school run goes to work. I do the majority of the childcare, dealing with school, housework etc. on his day(s) off he sleeps a lot understandably, and I try to catch up on house work etc (full time job and part time masters atm). He gets his weekly rota on Sunday to start the next day, so the chance of me going out for the evening is minimal, same for him, if either of us wants to go out it costs him holiday days. We have no one who can manage our son for more than an hour these days, his sen is harder now he’s bigger, when he was little my family would have him occasionally.

I get this a lot OP and I always correct them. I say having a weekend off that you have chosen is totally different to having a breakdown in a relationship that results in permanently not have your child for several days a week.

people are actually always in agreement when I say it and it seems to help them to see the situation in a more nuanced way.

Mm but you are comparing the life of a full time working mum of a ND child with that of a mum with a reliable mature devoted hands on partner! There are many situations in between and some much worse than yours.

I know there are people with it much much harder than me. I dint dispute that and do count myself relatively lucky for many other reasons.

I never said I had it harder than most although a lot of people seem to have interpreted it that way

however I’m not going around making comments people who have it harder than me telling them to enjoy their ‘holiday’ or ‘break’ juts because they don’t have their child physically in their presence at that moment in time.

ironically my point was more that nobody should be judging anyone’s situation and making comments that inferred someone else had it easier/better

I split from my partner 3 years ago for a year. We are now back together.
It is very hard to compare. When we are together I take on the lions share and feel quite drained, as I did when i was single.
When we are together you care for your children and home 24/7 there is never a break and even if we go out we are still coming home to the children and morning routine.
When we were not together I was able to have a reset and catch up with things I couldn’t if the children are not around.
It is not a very nice comment but having a 2 day break was quite nice. Although I do prefer having my partner around.

I can imagine it's infuriating. Much of the issue is the ND needs though, maybe people don't realise how tricky this is to navigate? Generally people don't have a clue. If you had a NT and easy going kid I think those comments wouldn't be so wrong, but still uncalled for. Many women carry the mental load alone anyway and never get a break.

For me, the envious part of your story would be the joy of having the house to myself. It literally never happens, I can only fantasise about putting on my music and doing my jobs at my own pace without interruption. So i admit i would immediately think someone who has this is lucky (but wouldn't be silly enough to say this). I have nothing like the stressful situation you have, but sometimes people zone in on one tiny aspect of someone's situation without seeing the bigger picture. And of course people say dumb things all the time.

I did notice that you said many people have it worse; also that knowing your DD is disorientated and sometimes upset about going to her dad's is very hard on you.
I was trying to suggest, perhaps clumsily, that the person telling you to enjoy your 'break' may be having a horrible time with her partner, or be finding his lack of engagement with family life draining and exhausting, and be wishing that she could bundle him and the children out of the house for a couple of days in order to breathe, even if she had to do housework and paid work during that time. So perhaps the level of envy is understandable sometimes.

Hey ,

ok so from someone who has sat both sides of the fence / single parent ( dad not involved whatsoever ) for 7 years alone ( no involvement from dads family , both my parents worked 50 + hours a week , went back to uni when son was 4m old — to relationship and having another little one …. His parents and family make zero effort I despise them “ pushed and pushed constantly that “ you need your own child together “ ( eldest has asd /adhd physical birth defect ) had “ our own child “ where are they ? Nowhere to be seen because they’re lazy good for nothings who just wanted baby snuggles for two months ( also didn’t happen as was covid times and me and little were in hospital a lot littles immune system on the floor so didn’t meet him for a good month or so!

so …. In short neither situation is great … both are actually very similar and I can honestly say that from being in both positions and living it , sometimes men bring more hassle and instability and workload into your life than you would think ( this doesn’t mean “ oh I wouldn’t put up with that I’d kick them to the curb “ because it doesn’t work like that and relationships take work and effort . But put yourself in the other mums shoes , I’m sure she didn’t mean to offend you but maybe what’s going on behind closed doors for her is a heavy burden 7 days a week with no let up and in her head 2 days of not “ mumming , wifing and whatever else “ sounds perfect, but she’s not living you as you are not her , she’s not thinking of the things you need to get done while your little is not there.

been there had the comments wanted to rip someone’s head off for a said comment like this from burn out and exhaustion but as said above what we see is not always what’s going on .

you could have a single parent who has no involvement from dad say “ oh I wish I got two days a week to myself , when they’re doing it single handed with no break no family support no nothing which could offend you also but the truth of that is they’re purely going it alone without dad in the picture .

it’s hard for every mum out there in one way or another and we all judge to easily ( let’s no one say we don’t as we do ) so maybe just pause and think when comments like that are made to you that they’re not doing it to upset you , p**s you off but simply they may be exhausted to ❤️

I hear you. It makes my blood boil when I hear things like "there are a lot more single mums than people realise" etc etc... being a single mum is exhausting. I tell people I can't stop because if I do there's nobody to catch me. I have no choice but to work stupid hours and keep going. People love to judge and comment.
We eat late every night because I work 8-6 5 days a week. So dinner isn't on the table till 8. I'm doing laundry at 10 o clock at night!
My kids are well fed and cared for but so many people are shocked that we eat so late! And all the "it only takes a couple of hours to do... etc etc etc" I don't have all the "couple of hours" to get the garden or the housework or the decorating done!! I'm exhausted all the time!
They'll never understand and I've learned to let comments like that go over my head now.

I get what you're saying to an extent OP but to say her husband does way more than she does is kind of judge to a point as you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. My ex husband used to do all the school runs but it wasn't due to me being lazy it was because he wouldn't let me he wanted me home all day as his form of control over me-he wanted to keep me fat and undesirable while he hopped on dating sites looking for affairs I got to a point of feeling too sick and anxious to go out at all I lost all my confidence. I'm not saying that's what your mates other half is doing I'm just putting it in perspective. My ex husband didn't do anything other than school runs and worked a few hours a week. He spent the rest of his time on his phone or sleeping or stood outside smoking copious amounts of cigarettes while I did the childcare and everything else at home

I do get where you're coming from.. however having done both parenting as a couple, and as a single mom, with a disabled child/teen (I'm also his carer) i do kind of have to say you're being a little bit unreasonable.

My DC's spend 2 nights a fortnight with their Dad (my ExH) and honestly, it IS 2 days off, 2 days break from the mental load of being a carer, of having to constantly think about what DS needs, having to be constantly on guard... it's my Respite.

When ExH and i were together i NEVER got a break, EVER, i was on 24/7, even when they were at school as i was the one getting the phonecalls from school if there were problems, i had to beg/plead for an afternoon off with friends, but still had to dive straight back into it when i got home.

Single parenting is 100% harder than being part of a couple, but don't fool yourself that those days the kids are with their dad aren't days off, they absolutely are. Start enjoying them.

I have always had a monthly gardener and a n occasional handyman to get help in the home. Quite when I would have had time to be doing gardening and diy when I was either working doing housework or dealing with ds plus tidying cluttering errands etc it would never have happened.

When most people heard the gardener was coming round they thought it was a near perfect life!

Though I am crap at gardening lol. I still pay one now which is one of very few luxuries.

Sorry this was slightly off topic.

Next time someone says this then respond with what you’ve written…sorted

I also spend my ‘holiday’ catching up on everything in the house, sorting uniforms, food shopping, housework, scrubbing toilets

I mean that nicely, but you need to organise yourself better if this doesn't work for you. Picking up your days off to do this is a choice, you could do that around your child, like most working parents do!

Having to work more hours to compensate is one thing, but wasting your time with housework is on you.

You have all the mental load, and people don't understand, but it's you who is not making the most of 2 nights child-free.

Unless people live it they can’t comprehend how hard it is. Fair play to you OP

You're right, of course, it's very hard and those women absolutely could have that life, they just need to get a divorce and boom, 2 nights a week their kids go to their exes, except they actually clearly don't want this or theyd already have it. You're obviously working very hard and doing an amazing job with your daughter, who, when she is older will remember and understand fully the levels of effort both her parents have made.

I do think it probably reflects how much women do, in normal heterosexual relationships with kids, I'd say most women do 75% not 50%, and frustration at that has come out in the wrong way. It's easier to say "You're lucky" rather than "I'm frustrated and need to have a difficult conversation with my husband who doesn't pick up enough of the childcare or household responsibilities"

I voted yabu

I'm a single mum, completely single, no maintenance, no days off, they havnt seen their dad for 8 years ( court ordered ). Family don't live close by as I had to move areas due to dv from kids dad so no family support either. Both my DC are disabled.

You are lucky to have 2 days off a week. If your spending your 2 days cleaning and catching up on chores then your not doing them properly during the week? It's on you that your 2 days arnt relaxing

We have five children.my husband doesn’t help at all and neither do family.i don’t drive my choice,i take the bus taxi etc.i work and manage as i always have and no i never get a break and it is tough.it was very difficult when the children were young for me to cope.

I feel you completely. Single mum to a 6 year old and 7 year old who has verbal apraxia and ASD. Incredibly draining. I have 0 family support and their dad has them 2/3/4 weekends per month depending on his work schedule. When my eldest is having a meltdown or my youngest is being a pain at bedtime I have no where to escape to. Nowhere to breathe and calm down cause no other adult here. People don't understand how stressful it is and draining mentally, especially when you spend your ' break' catching up on housework, doing anything you need to do. No advice but want you to know you're not alone. 💞 you are doing an amazing job and don't let little comments from people who couldn't understand bring you down!

I went YABU solely because you came on MN for rant but not directing it at the people saying those comments. People want change their views if you don’t care to educate them,

I suppose you should consider yourself luckily that they don’t also gush what a great dad he is for taking her 2 nights a week. But someone will say it soon enough.

'It's probably best not to pass comment on situations you don't really understand' should shut them up. 😬