Single mum - am I right to be annoyed by this type of comment?

[blythet]

Ive been a single mum since my Dd was 1 (my exH had an affair while I was pregnant).
Dd stays overnight with her dad 2 weeknights per week. With me rest of the time.

I work full time in a stressful & demanding job but lucky enough to have flexi time so I’m able to school runs etc when Dd is with me and the 2 nights she’s with her dad I work late and start early the next day.

my dd is also ND although in mainstream school but I find it hard to manage too but think I’m doing quite well considering. She doesn’t cope well with having to go to her dads and has huge anxiety and meltdowns before going (there is a court order in place so I have no option for her to go).

I do all school stuff, all homework with dd, drs/dentist, driving to clubs etc - it’s all me. Other than the 2 nights she’s with her dad he’s pretty hands off.

anwyay, the type of comment that annoys me is when other mums say “oh you’re so lucky. I’d love a 2 nights ‘holiday’ every week”

this is something an acquaintance said to me last night but I get similar comments fairly regularly. I always smile and agree when in reality I feel like saying:

”well I’d love to have a hands on supportive husband and my Dd with me 100% of the time. Instead of me doing 50% of everything, I’m doing 100% of stuff 5 out of 7 nights a week. On top of that I’m working longer hours when Dd is away to compensate and I’m mentally drained from dealing with the anxiety and distress she experiences from the way she struggles with the situation. I also spend my ‘holiday’ catching up on everything in the house, sorting uniforms, food shopping, housework, scrubbing toilets because 1: I’m one person doing all of this instesd of two; and 2)I don’t get a second to do any of this the other 5 out of 7 days/nights.
On tip of all that it doesn’t feel like a ‘holiday’ as despite how hard it is given all the above, as a mum (and purely from a selfish pov) I don’t want a ‘holiday’ and would rather have my Dd with me all the time”

This rant aside, I’m actually very happy in my life but when I get this type of comment it just feels really insensitive. But I’m presuming it comes from a place of not knowing what the reality is like for many single mums

I hear you op. I have my kids 100% of the time but that is easier than when they did see their dad as I would have to think of everything they might need and provide it, answer (abusive) ex’s calls in case there was something wrong, couldn’t plan anything in that time as there would be constant “issues” to deal with, or have to console upset children when he cancelled. Plus I’d just miss them and worry like mad when he had them. I do have friends who co-parent amicably with a responsible ex, they do appreciate their breaks but also miss their kids lots when not with them. Some people can’t grasp situations they haven’t experienced. I would just laugh when they make those comments and say “I wish!”

And if they said I’m finding it hard this week with dh being away, is it ok to say - that’s nothing - try being a single parent?

People say some really daft inconsiderate unkind things that they just don’t think through. I look back and am modified at some of the comments I made as a younger woman. I wish I could take them back and I’m so fortunate that the people I sent them to have forgiven me.

It sounds really tough. Do bear in mind though that some single parents do have a lovely time when their child is with their father, and if they know people like that this might be colouring their view.

One of my good friends uses her EOW arrangement to go on regular minibreaks and spa days and happily tells people how much better it is for her than being married was for that reason. Obviously it helps that she's a high earner.

i know what you mean but on the other hand I have friends whose partners walk in the door and go up stairs to play on their consoles and then only come down for dinner and then want sex. They’re definitely not doing 50 percent of anything. And In some ways it would be better if their partners just left so they could give them to them, two nights a week and get some rest.
There’s loads of hard situations and they usually all boil down to mean being absent or shit

Thanks @Wibblywobblybobbly We single mothers will definitely bear this in mind

gottaloveitwhenmarriedpeopletellsinglemumswhattobearinmind

Oops the hashtag has sent my post into overdrive.

Can’t be stated enough though

Why do you always smile and agree. Why can't you condense how you really feel into a sentence to reply with. It doesn't have to turn into a debate but it may give others food for thought

I would have no patience with their ignorance and point out that you use those two days to work long hours and that you do 100% of everything for your child while holding down a job and running a household! You're a bloody warrior 💪

This thought often pops in my head when people are talking about kids going to exes but I’d never dream of saying it! In reality I know this isn’t a “holiday” and I agree it’s a totally insensitive comment.

Unfortunately not many men do 50-50% of childcare in marriage/partnership. It's an ideal but in reality that happens very rarely (maybe you are unaware if you are single). So I understand where the comments are coming from. In reality many women have a full-time/part-time job and do all the childcare, cooking and housework. Many would die for 2 nights/days off a week.

I deeply feel everything in your OP, I’m in a similar situation, parts of it I love, parts make me very very sad.
I find I get similar comments as well, a colleague was talking about her DH being away for a few days this week and said “I’ll be a real single mum for the week” I didn’t say anything but it really does irk me.

I guess, It’s not a race to the bottom, I know plenty of friends with less than useless husbands and thank God I’m not in that position, but I’d give anything to not be away from my DC for days at a time, it makes me feel deeply deeply sad.

I’m in similar situation although my ex takes our child one night pw (child also ND and hates going to their fathers, really stressful and upsetting). I work 3 jobs carefully balanced around school hours. People say this exact thing to me all the time, “that’s nice you get a holiday every week” 🥴🥵🤣

I do think some real friends say it to try and console me when I’m missing my child or am upset about a particularly traumatic handover. As in “at least you’ll get a night to yourself” ie. “Let’s try find a positive here”. I think it’s well meaning a lot of the time. If I suspect it’s not I tell them to fuck off.

But in the vast majority of cases, if the father wasn’t stepping up and sharing the load they would at least be contributing financially.

Single mums have to carry all of the load, plus bring in the entire HH income.

I can imagine if the OP’s ex has DD two nights a week the amount of maintenance he’s paying won’t even begin to touch the sides.

I always found it crippling financially. No grandparents and my ex only paid me £100 pcm!

Many single parents rack up debts too unless they are helped a lot.

They probably think they are being nice by making out that this is an enviable situation that you have.

It is toe curlingly irritating. I get no break. My ex barely sees our kids. When I was married I always used to think that being a single parent would be no different as I did everything by myself anyway. I couldn't have fathomed how hard (and lonely) it would be.

YANBU OP.

I'm a single mum and had the same. My ds is 16 now, and in the last few years, four of the mums from his original primary class have, in conversation, asked how "I manage" either because they want to leave their H or because he has already left them.

The irony isn't lost on me

I'm not sure why you're annoyed with me? All I'm saying is that people who are assuming she must like it might be basing that assumption on the fact that single mums they know have told them they personally do like it and they're generalising that without thinking it through.

I know full well that it isn't the case for a lot of single mums, but I'm just trying to explain where that thoughtless comment might be coming from.

It's probably because you appear capable and happy. There are some miserable folk around who just don't like to see other people even looking happy so they try to belittle them eg by down-talking the effort put in by the happy ones.

Likely their marriages are not all that. Smile and nod, agree with them that we all have our struggles.

I'd say it - or something like your first sentance - 'I'd prefer to have a supportive husband and my daughter her 100% of the time but you get the cards you're dealt don't you'
Insensitive twats

I hear you and also think you are doing a great job.However lots of mums dont get much downtime either ,because of idiotic partners who wont step up . Of course its upsetting that your DD doesnt want to go to her Dads .Lots of children dont like Mum going out either .I think comments like this are often made without thinking.Can you maybe do the chores one night and go out the other one?You need a break too.

YANBU, but this... There’s loads of hard situations and they usually all boil down to men being absent or shit.

Pick your poison. I can understand that hearing your friend say that must have grated, given how you perceive her situation (supportive partner etc.) as compared to yours, but there are some situations where a co-parent or partner is so useless and unsupportive that the other parent may well feel that life would be improved by trading them in for 2 nights a week "off". Of course, in many cases, they don't even get that since their ex does EOW or less.

Yep, it winds me up so much when someone’s DH goes away for a week and they moan and moan.

As any single parent will tell you, it’s not doing 100% of the work that does you in, it’s the 0% emotional support - no one to debrief with in the evening, no one to discuss important decisions. It’s the mental and emotional load.

Like other PPs have explained, it’s not necessarily the housework or even the childcare.

It’s being on your own and shouldering all the responsibility. Even people whose husbands don’t share the childcare have someone to discuss stuff with.