To ask Ex not to do this whilst in my home?

[SaunterOff]

NC as previous posts are very identifiable.
Long and complicated back story to all of this so I’ll post the basics.

ExDH and I are divorced, completely separate homes and lives. However one of our DC has serious health issues so X comes and stays here for in total 12 nights a month, usually a weekend and possibly 1 night in the week. This is to help with ill DC and he can’t have them at his because of equipment etc.

When ExDH is here i give him my bed and stay in DC room on a pull out bed because ExDH won’t wake up if needed in the night.

Ex is on dating sites and has had contact with other women, he’s told me this without being asked, personally I think he did it in an attempt to make me jealous with the way it was said. However with DC being ill and needing so much of my time, I have absolutely no interest in what Ex is up to and it cemented in my mind who he really is. The one thing I have asked is that he doesn’t talk to these women on dating sites whilst in my bed, when he is supposed to be here helping with DC but also I find it really disrespectful and awful to think of him in there doing that whilst I’m next to our ill child. I have said if he is more focused on that then perhaps cut his time here or go back to his own place in the evenings. Just don’t do that in my bed.

Ex has now said I’m being unreasonable and abusive asking him not to talk to women whilst he’s here, I honestly don’t know if I am? I know exactly what he’s like and what he gets up to so I don’t feel I’m being unrealistic in that thought. I also believe by his reaction that it’s exactly what he has been doing. I’ve also thought to myself if it was the other way around I wouldn’t be doing that in his bed or his home. I’ve likened it to asking someone kindly not to smoke in the house or to take their shoes off. He has said that if he’s not allowed to then neither am I, which as I said I’m not but that’s because caring for DC has taken over my entire life, but also it’s my home and my bed.

So, am I being unreasonable/abusive asking him not to be talking dirty to women whilst in my bed?

There really isn't any point whatsoever in him being there overnight, is there? Tell him that from now on if he wants to see the children he will have to come over during the daytime, and define the dates possible. If he won't adhere to that, tell him that he can't come at all and the court will have to sort it out. No court is going to make you have someone in the house that you don't want there.

The only person being abusive here is him.

The first step is to take this on board.

He’s not helping you or your child. He’s getting his kicks about being able to control you to the extent he can invade your home, take your bed and have all his meals made.

If he is not prepared/able to create an environment in his own home to care for his child, then he is beholden to you about how you choose to do that in your home.

If that means he only comes for the day/evening or sleeps on a sofa then that’s the consequence of him not making suitable provision.

It’s typical of abusers to gaslight others in this way and present themselves as the victims and it can be hard to break free of when you’ve been manipulated for a long period of time.

What can help is telling people what’s going on. Posting here is a good start, but also speak to your brother.

Having other people read the situation who are outside of it will help you recognise what he is doing and that it’s not reasonable (and that you are not being abusive - he is).

If you can reinstate your brothers visit it might be a good catalyst for change and to speak to your DB and get some family back up.

If he wants to be there he needs to be present. I’d tell him I don’t want him there full stop. Sounds like you can cope without him.

Can you ask your DB or someone else to come and stay for a longer time and help you get rid of Ex entirely?

Hoenstly it does not sound like he brings any help to your life and I bet you would feel an absolute weight lifted off you. If your DC still really want to see him, meet him for a trip out- but meet him out of the house, don't let him in your space.

It's so easy for us all to say do all this stuff, don't be hard on yourself for HIS actions. He's been abusing shit for years but you're still doing amazingly 💐

Yeah, you just need him to go home.
This is crazy nonsense.

Well theres no point him staying overnight as he doesn’t get up so that needs to stop. Can you drop DC off at his for the day? Would that work with his meds/equipment? Dont set yourself on fire to keep others warm

Basically you are still trapped in a marriage with him in all but name.

You need to grey rock “you can no longer stay overnight”

No more family weekends either he takes the DC out alone (as I’m sure you do) or he can just disappear.

This x 1,000,000.

And why are you giving him your bed?! It’s the ultimate act of subservience. He has no respect for you as it is, don’t cement it by leaving your actual bed and letting this man literally and figuratively invade your most personal of space.

Surely the point of him being there is to give you break - why isn’t he sleeping in with DC. Premsumably you do the nights alone when he is not there and should be able to a few nights with better sleep.

Also sounds like he is not over the breakup

It's not abusive to not want your ex husband in your bed

He does not need to sleep over (it’s pointless if he doesn’t wake up during the night).

And neither of you should be telling the other when and where they can talk to other people.

Does he live really far away?

I don’t understand why he can’t spend the day with his DD ok Saturday and Sunday but sleep in his own bed, in his own home at night.

This would make sense if you were staying elsewhere on those nights or even if he was sleeping in DDs room to give you a break and caring for her during the night.

It is utter madness that he’s spending the night but not actually getting up during it.

Op, you sound so broken down. I sympathise. to the outside world it seems so obvious - he's being a wanker, everyone KNOWS that, why dont you. But you've been beaten down by him for a long time.

So first things first:
It is very difficult when someone is accusing you of so much and I don’t know if I am behaving like that or not.
Let's take this one step at a time - you have been told on here by every single person that no, him sleeping in your bed is not accetable and that no, it is not you being abusive or mean if you insist that he stops. Try to internalise that and really accept that reality so that, when you are ready to tell him, his words will hvae less impact on you.

I would 100% contact Womens Aid if you can. I think that if and when you can face the fight, the reality is that you can insist he does not come in your house and if necesary, call the police. I appreciate you are nowhere NEAR ready to do that, but just to give you a sense of how serious it is that YOU get to decide who comes in.

If your brother is broadly supportive, can you contact him and ask him to come for a weekend? Do not tell your ex until a day a few days before - ideally after his last visit before your DB comes - so you can do it by phone/email/text. If your ex is kicking off then over that weekend, you will have your DB for support.

It's really hard. Posting here is a brilliant first step though - if only because it helps to start cutting through the fog to see the reality that his demands and accusations are absolutely ridiculous.

If you can hear your child from your bedroom when your ex is not present, then you can hear your child when he is sleeping on the pullout next to your child.

You need to start ignoring him when he says the word abusive. He doesn’t know the meaning.

Well that's tough shit, I'm sorry. He "wants to be there"? You're separated! What do you do the nights he isn't there? Clearly you can cope. You need to come up with a plan that involves him seeing the kids outside of your home, in daytime hours if he can't have them over.

Get him out of your bed.

This is the oddest setup. What is he actually doing while he's there ie what's the point of him being there?

Seriously if he's bringing nothing to the table change the locks and block his number.

I broke my ankle last year and I didn’t get my bed back for the weekends.

And you think he would care about her having a bad back???

He needs to fuck off to the far side of fuck.
Hes not helping, he’s creating work for you and making you feel shit about yourself.
He is abusing you, making you question yourself and really, really showing why you divorced.

it is odd if you've never been involved in a relationship like this or witnessed someone you love be in one. It's very very hard to understand without personal experience.

And while I think MN is a hugely powerful forrce for helping women who HAVE been in (or are in) these situations to connect with and learn from others in the same boat, the one downside is that it IS so difficult for the many well meaning posters who see it as a simple, "it's your house, kick him out" situation.

I'm sorry OP it's easy to see with the stress and worry of a sick child and relationship breakdown that the situation has got out of control. If he doesn't provide overnight care dont let him stay. Its your home and your choice you are letting him retain control over you and he will be loving that you are bothered by him being on dating sites. If he thinks it's too much faffing about tell him tough it sounds like his absence wouldn't be any great loss and at least you might feel rested sleeping in a bed!

Take a step back. What would be the ideal scenario for you? Work towards that in steps.

I can hear how overwhelmed you are. Take it one step at a time.

But you think just asking for it back will work?!?!?!?😂😂😂

Serious question - do you not feel him being in your bedroom is a massive invasion of privacy? Or do you like him being there (just when he's not texting other women)?

I think she has made it abundantly clear that she does not want him there?!?!😂😂

Was that really a serious question😂

Where did I say to ask for it back?!?! Why would she "ask" for her own bed back!!!

No, what will work is changing the locks, telling the Ex he is no longer coming in the house and if he wants to see the kids he can have them at his / take them out. If he kicks off or threatens her then get the police involved.

Or, you know, tell him she's got a bad back will also be really effective with someone like this 🙄

I think that’s a very simplistic view to have, the OP hasn’t stated whether her X has part ownership of the house or not, she just said that they have separate homes

If he has part ownership of the property you cannot just lock him out?!?!?!

He obviously think he has a right to be there, I don’t think this would be the case if the house was fully owned by the OP