To ask Ex not to do this whilst in my home?

[SaunterOff]

NC as previous posts are very identifiable.
Long and complicated back story to all of this so I’ll post the basics.

ExDH and I are divorced, completely separate homes and lives. However one of our DC has serious health issues so X comes and stays here for in total 12 nights a month, usually a weekend and possibly 1 night in the week. This is to help with ill DC and he can’t have them at his because of equipment etc.

When ExDH is here i give him my bed and stay in DC room on a pull out bed because ExDH won’t wake up if needed in the night.

Ex is on dating sites and has had contact with other women, he’s told me this without being asked, personally I think he did it in an attempt to make me jealous with the way it was said. However with DC being ill and needing so much of my time, I have absolutely no interest in what Ex is up to and it cemented in my mind who he really is. The one thing I have asked is that he doesn’t talk to these women on dating sites whilst in my bed, when he is supposed to be here helping with DC but also I find it really disrespectful and awful to think of him in there doing that whilst I’m next to our ill child. I have said if he is more focused on that then perhaps cut his time here or go back to his own place in the evenings. Just don’t do that in my bed.

Ex has now said I’m being unreasonable and abusive asking him not to talk to women whilst he’s here, I honestly don’t know if I am? I know exactly what he’s like and what he gets up to so I don’t feel I’m being unrealistic in that thought. I also believe by his reaction that it’s exactly what he has been doing. I’ve also thought to myself if it was the other way around I wouldn’t be doing that in his bed or his home. I’ve likened it to asking someone kindly not to smoke in the house or to take their shoes off. He has said that if he’s not allowed to then neither am I, which as I said I’m not but that’s because caring for DC has taken over my entire life, but also it’s my home and my bed.

So, am I being unreasonable/abusive asking him not to be talking dirty to women whilst in my bed?

Try to remember that he can report you to whoever he wants, but that doesn't mean they will take it seriously. My ex reported me to police, social services etc many times, but if anything it actually improved the situation as it was evidence of his harassment.

Don't ask him not to wank in your bed. No on needs to be told that. If he is wanking in your bed, then he is an psycho and no amount of telling him will help, and from what you have said, he will relish in having the conversation and use it as an opportunity to accuse you further. Of course you need to break free and everything he is doing is abusive, however, while it is easier for us to say 'get him out' it is easier said than done when you are being abused and frightened that he will abuse you further by saying you can't cope etc. You need some help and support to help you. try: The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on tel: 0808 2000 247 0808 2000 247 . They can put you in touch with counsellors and support groups. This is still domestic abuse. Also read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. I found that really helpful. He is abusive and it is NOT YOU. Good luck. You can do this.

That's called weaponised incompetence. Deliberately neglecting a child's needs and then claiming he's unable to parent - thus pulling you in even further.

So if he's unable to parent on his on does simply occupy the space when he's at yours? Or does he do anything to help?

I would never give up my bed to an ex. it’s madness

So he's absolutely fucking useless with the poorly DC, the other DC doesn't want him there, he doesn't wake up in the night and to top it all off, comes into YOUR home, goes into YOUR bedroom and sleeps in YOUR bed. Whilst you have to vacate and go to your child's room. And to top it all off, he's an abusive arsehole to both you and the children.

Seriously @SaunterOff What the fuck is going on here?!?! You need to be strong for your children. As another poster has said, all the time, energy and brain space that is going into him being around is being taken away from your kids.

It isn’t possible for me to leave him with DC overnight. DC2 that isn’t ill has frequently before all of this asked to come home when he was having them overnight, stating they would be crying themselves to sleep and dad did nothing.

But when he isn’t there you don’t sleep in their room and you still hear them crying etc. so you will still be able to hear them crying even if he is in the room with them

By having him in the kids room his sleep will be broken when you come in to tend to the kids and he won’t be so keen to stay….the current situation is making it easy for him to be there as he gets a good nights sleep

Could you tell him you hurt your back and need to sleep in your own bed?

'Please have a think about how you would like to have contact with the DCs going forwards. You staying over isn't working at all and from now on, you will not be staying overnight in my house. It's an inconvenience and it doesn't benefit the DCs at all. Feel free to suggest alternative arrangements'

What?!?! Why on earth should she have to lie to sleep in her own bed?!?!

He isn't going to give the slightest shit if she does say she's hurt her back either.

I can't imagine a single scenario where any man I know (including exes!) would make me sleep on the floor / on a pull out bed whilst they took my bed. ESPECIALLY if I was caring for a poorly child!!!

He's a vile excuse for a human being and needs to get gone.

Get him out of your bed and on the sofa!!! If he won't respect that boundary, put a lock on your bedroom door making it out of bounds when he's there.

What?!?! Why on earth should she have to lie to sleep in her own bed?!?!

Because he has a tendency to be abusive so lying might be an easier way to deal with him !?!?!

I hate to break this to you but abusive men don't tend to give a shit whether you've got a bad back or not...

I understand how you feel but if he is just talking on the phone, I’m not sure that it is fair to say he can’t do that. Assuming, he isn’t doing anything else in your bed while talking dirty 🤮 You don’t need to let him sleep in your bed at all though.

What do you mean by “ExDH won’t wake up if needed in the night”? He would sleep through an alarm for medications, he wouldn’t hear your child wake up, even if he slept in the same room? Is your DC able to wake him if they need him? How do you manage to wake up when you are sleeping in your room? Can you not sleep in your own bed and care for your DC in the way that you would normally when your ex is there if he sleeps on the pull out but doesn’t wake up? You shouldn’t have to but I understand you wouldn’t want to risk your ex not taking care of your DC properly and you need a safety net.

Unfortunately, I think you need to do what is best for your DC, which probably means allowing your ex to visit if your DC can’t see them at your ex’s home. It doesn’t have to be for 12 nights and he doesn’t have to stay in your bed or stay for the night at all.

Given that he is going to try to accuse you of abuse if he doesn’t get his own way 🙄 I would frame anything you say as being in your DC’s best interests.

It is not in your DC’s best interest for you to do all the night care 30 days a month because you will be exhausted and it is better for them that both parents are involved in their care. Your ex needs to sleep on the pull out and do the night care when he is there. He needs to find a solution to make sure he wakes up.

If he says that he can’t do that, tell him that you need to sleep in your own bed so you are more rested, he needs to go home at night. Argue that sleeping on the pull out is more tiring/less comfortable. Tell him that as much as you appreciate his “help” 🙄, it’s actually harder for you to do night care when he is there than when he isn’t because you still have to get up but you get less restful sleep. It is fine for a few nights if your DC needs you but not half the time. If he says it’s not fair that he has to sleep on the pull out when he does night care for the same reason, suggest he either goes home at night or does the same number of days but goes home some nights.

Next time he says you don’t care for your DC properly, ask him how he would do better if he can’t even wake up at night to care for them? 🙄🙄🙄

But you think telling an abusive man that you will be taking back your bed without giving a good reason will work…..get real 😂😂😂

He says he needs the sleep because he has to work and I don’t and he says when DC are at school (poorly dc is on a part time timetable) i sit on my phone or watch tv and can sleep then. At the moment I’ve not gone back into my bed when he isn’t here. I don’t really want to sleep in there anymore to be honest. I sleep on the sofa or in DC1 room.

So when he is here he will get up if I wake him up to get anything needed. Weekends during the day he will accompany us on trips out, he’ll play with the dc, and if the care has been cancelled he will shower or supervise the showers of dc. Occasionally he will make their breakfast or lunch. He will put washing in the dryer and sometimes take it out.

Yes I do all the cooking, including for him, if I don’t do for him then you’ve guessed it, I’m being abusive. So I won’t cook for myself just the DCs and that’s the only way he won’t comment. In fact he’ll ask if I’ve made anything for myself to check. Same if I get a takeaway.

My DB and family were supposed to be visiting at Easter which I thought would be the reset I needed. They were going to stay in my bedroom, so I said to ex he wouldn’t be able to stay that weekend and would have to come in the day. He honestly created so much shit about it that dc2 then said he didn’t want them coming because of all the fuss ex was making. I cancelled them coming.

I broke my ankle last year and I didn’t get my bed back for the weekends.

You know that saying about how you only realise how messed up something is when you start talking to someone else, or writing the words down and seeing it all there.

I’m fighting a battle for my children, and trying to do what I stupidly think is best whilst constantly being told I don’t know what I’m doing, or am abusive, or all the other things.

What can I say, he has me over a barrel at every turn. I wish I had written this a long time ago.

Why?

Say: DH, you aren't staying over in my house any more-that doesn't work for me. I will be sleeping in my bed and you can visit and go home at bed time.

Where in any of my posts have I said that?! I've said he's a vile piece of shit and needs to get gone but why would you suggest lying to someone about why you need something that belongs to you?! Especially when he's not going to care.

And the "good reason" is that he is her EX HUSBAND and it is not his house!!!

A lot of people giving advice on hear have no idea what it is like dealing with a master manipulator. You are ground down over time and it is not as simple as just saying 'stop'. OP dont feel bad. You ARE strong, you got away from him. The next stage is to get him out of your life completely and it wont be easy. You will need help and support to do it, and there is support out there..

Get him on the pull out bed. Stop bending over backwards for him. If he throws the “abusive” word around tell him to fuck off and no more over night stays. Sorry but hes taking the piss. Hes only doing over nights as it counts towards paying less CMS?

This is all wrong. You need to stop him staying altogether, he isn't helping you. He can fit his place with the kit needed to have DC stay at his. Get CMS to properly sort maintenance and arrange carers to help you - proper are, not a feckless ex tricking you into thinking he's 'helping'

ASAP!

And the "good reason" is that he is her EX HUSBAND and it is not his house!!!

OH GET REAL!?! do you really think an abusive man would care about details like that?!?!?!?!

Invite your brother back. I think this is going to be incredibly helpful for you

Also he is the kind of sleeper that doesn’t wake up. Many years ago there was someone breaking into our home. I tried waking him up but he didn’t, I turned all the lights on etc, called the police who came and were in the house and he was still asleep. They couldn’t believe it. He has never woken to dc as babies crying etc. Carers have come in the morning and say is that him we can hear snoring…he just doesn’t wake up. And takes so long to get up even for his work etc. So no he won’t wake up to DC. But needs his sleep somewhere comfortable. I say that sarcastically now.

I think you’ve misread the situation

and no. It’s not acceptable that he wanks in her bed under any circumstances.

@SaunterOff none of this matters.

Do you actually want him in the house? If you do, this is what you are putting up with.

If you don't want this to continue - kindly - YOU have to stop it.

Does he jointly own the house though