Living beyond our means.. will it ever end!

[Wharawho]

Aibu, to be completely fed up with living month to month and barely being able to pay for everything?

For context, we're a family of five... me, DH and 3DS.(7, 6 & 3)
Household income of £70k
3 bed semi- mortgaged (nearly £1k a month- this double last feb when the interest rate went up 😞)
2 cars (15yo car paid off and family car on pcp at £450p/m)
For context we need the family car to fit all 3 kids carseats in and I also require a big car for my business. I hate having finance, but we can't work without two cars or even go out as a family if we had one small car! And we definitely don't have the money to buy another outright.

Despite what I think is a reasonable household income, 1 week after being paid, almost every penny is claimed by our household bills and expenses and we spend the rest of the month penny pinching.
We're one big unexpected bill away from not being able to buy the shopping and I'm fed up of it to be honest!
We don't have big expensive holidays or eat out/ have lots of takeaways.
If anything I'd say we live quite modestly... we've lived in the same house for 6 years and still haven't be able to finish renovating it, as we don't have the money!
I haven't had my hair cut for 2 years, as I can't commit that much money to myself... I'm also in desperate need of a new pair of glasses, but I can't afford to buy a new pair ( I have to wear them all the time!)
Days out tend to be outdoor places, with a homemade picnic and maybe an ice cream for the kids!

We buy our clothes from places like Tesco and primark, rarely do me and DH get anything only when we really need something, just the kids and we pass down clothes through our boys as they grow to save on money.
The kids attend swimming lessons once a week, this is their only "luxury" or "extra thing" they do I'm all honesty, and something we prioritise, as we think it's important that they can swim! Even this I price shopped for the cheapest lessons to make sure we pay as little as possible!
We do have the typical Netflix, Disney etc and go for a Costa 2 times each month, but again nothing extravagant... just living and trying enjoy small pleasures and have something to look forward to!

I paid myself today and after all of our bills and food money we literally have £160 to last the month,.. which includes entertaining the kids, buying school clothes/shoes, treats, covering unexpected expenses or car/house repairs!
We don't have enough to save for a rainy day fund and the minute something comes up, any savings we do have are gone and we're back to square 1!
Last month the 15yo car needed new brakes/ discs and a few other bits to pass its mot, setting us back £500.... we paid for it on our monzo flex (we only use this in emergencies when we really can't afford and pay it back ASAP!) but now this has left us short last month and this month paying it back! (As I say... one bill away from despair)

I work for myself, from home and my business requires lots if space (I've converted our garage)... however my business is limited by my space and to grow and make more money I need a bigger work space/ bigger home.... which we can't afford!

How do people afford to go on holidays, have big flash cars and big 4 bed detached houses?!?!
18 year old me would have been thrilled to bring in £70k... but here we are struggling to make it through to the end of each month!

I guess this is just a rant really, as I'm feeling so deflated looking at our bank balance before the month has even started! 😞
Please tell me I'm not the only one experiencing this!

I’m also the same with Amazon but getting better at sending things back when I realise I don’t need it!

I’m also trying to get organised with food by following that batch lady and Recently discovered there are recepe panner apps where you download recepe’s from website, Instagram or scan from a recepe book and it splits the ingredients out and you can plan weekly meals from the recepes you have saved. You can add them all to a shopping list too as that’s the bit I struggle with. Looks good for planning and saving money on food though.

If you cut out Costa for a few months would you not be able to get a cheap haircut? I used to get expensive haircuts. Now I get my hair cut for £40. Not much difference really.
I feel that way about a lot of things. Charity shop clothes appeal to me more than the monstrosities in the shops at the moment.

OP, I've run out of time to RTFT but I have read all of your posts, so apologies if I'm repeating things said by others.

You have the potential, it seems to me (I've run small businesses in the past) to up your income without upping your outgoings too much. Weddings are great, but seasonal, and a heck of a lot of work (I was a parish priest for many years) for very little reward. Use your skills in other directions. Family portraits. Animal photography for devoted pet owners. Pre and post baby shots. Talk to other photographers and get tips from them. Someone I know who specialises in food photography (for books and magazines) earns a fortune!

Also, do go to the MSE forum - can't recommend it highly enough.

You're not wrong about clothes in the shops.

We earn similar: 30k me NHS. Partner £44k local council. To working class me, grew up very skint me it seems like loads of money. In today’s cost of living it defo doesn’t go as far.
However we had no children, our mortgage is half that of ops and we have my partners 19 year old car which he has kept in immaculate condition.

We can afford a modest lifestyle with mini breaks and meals out etc. We have savings and we don’t worry about money although disposable cash has shrunk.

I can absolutley see how @Wharawho with a family of five is struggling. It’s hardly comparable to the poster who was moaning about not having a certain lifestyle while earning £180k.

I also know families on less money that manage but i know families help out and they also have debt.

I would look into switching to an interest only mortgage for a few years. That would take the heat off. Say after 5 years you could switch back as you’d likely be earning more/no longer need to pay for childcare/have savings you could use if needed.

Not at entry level it isn’t. Believe me.

We have a similar income, 2 adults and 4 kids aged 6-13. Our income is made up of £50k plus £15k plus child benefit - total income of £4600ish per month. I think the £450 pcp car payment must be the main difference, though I am assuming no real childcare fees for you? We have a really good life BUT we similarly find a big bill, like a car repair, wobbles us for a month or two. I think previous posters are correct in saying a big part of the issue is perception; seeing such a huge amount plonk into the back every month but having "nothing to show for it" FEELS demoralising. But you DO have things to show for it (I'm not judging you BTW I fall into the same trap...)

• holidays albeit lower key that you expected
• a new car on PCP in addition to another more modest choice
• takeaways and meals out relatively often
• 3 kids well looked after including socially with attendance at extracurriculars

Lif is expensive...
You've not missed anything and you're not doing anything wrong.

I get that you probably don’t want to share everything on here, but it doesn’t seem you have quite decided yet to get on top of this. Maybe because you and your DH aren’t on the same page (on addressing the issue, on your small business), but maybe it’s just that you’re overwhelmed. You have bot said how long the HMRC want their extra £350 (til next March?), when your PCP is up or how long you’re tied into your mortgage rate. All of these could represent light at the end of the tunnel.

You must do a deep dive into all your outgoings and be really, really honest. Grade each expense into essential, important, nice to have.

Specs are essential, Costa is only nice to have. You’ll lose your business if you can’t see properly. The cost of a fortnight’s Costa can probably buy a milk frother for endless babycinos at home.

Swimming for the littlest is essential, for the eldest it may only be nice to have - maybe your kids learn until they are each 7?

Every little really will help.

Then go to the MSE forums. They are a bit brutal, but brilliant help.

On your business, I actually don’t think it’s too much of a hobby project if in 2 years you are able to pay yourself NMW.

I realise it might not be thrifty... but we're finding its a constant case if playing catch up, with unexpected expenses, kids growing and needing things... it just seems to never end!

Your post where you said this really struck a chord with me op.

Dh and I were just discussing the 'obligations' we have coming up in the next six weeks.
Ds3's birthday and party
My sisters 'big birthday' meal
MIL's birthday and meal out
Best friends wedding
I have a small surgery in two weeks time so I'll be off my feet for a week. I'm PAYE but dh is SE so will have to take several days off and that = no income.
Ds2 has a school trip to London £110
Rugby subs for ds1 in May will be £180

There's more. We just seem to fucking haemorrhage money right now. It's easy to say 'well don't do xyz' but in reality, with family dynamics etc (declining my sisters big meal for example would cause WW3 in my family) it's not always that easy.

We earn well and it's first world problems - oh look at all those birthday events you're attending, poor you! 😂 But these are things we really can't get out of for various reasons and it sometimes feels like it NEVER FUCKING ENDS before the next thing is upon us. I honestly would just love a year of a totally boring life with nowhere to go and nothing we feel obliged to spend on just to get some breathing space.

Anyway, you've had plenty of other advice but solidarity!

It is if you can do what the OP has done.

Is this just a case of weathering the storm until mortgage rates are lower again and you might be in future paying a few hundred pounds less?

Are mortgage rates going to be much lower in the future? I think life is only going to get more expensive, cost of living & higher taxes are here to stay.

One of you might consider a second job a couple of evenings or one day at the weekend? I did it when I was young to sort out my finances, not so easy with 3 kids though.

So you are WFH and your DH is WFH 3 days a week.

Sounds like fairly stress-free work for both of you, especially you.

If you want to indulge yourself by doing confetti/orders of service whatever, instead of a better paid job you don't like, you are going to have to do without.

You should get a part time job weekend/evening job in retail/care home/just eats and that will boost your disposable income and you can treat yourself.

I think you need to be realistic about your business as currently as others have pointed out it's not earning enough. I know a few mums who own small businesses (kids party type things, Etsy type craft products) but they also work part time in a school to ensure a stable income. Can you look into this?
Also you mention NHS - not sure what your role was but I know someone who did bank admin work and could pick and choose their shifts.

Secondly Costa twice a month! If that is all 5 of you and you are buying drinks and cake that would be almost the cost of a cheap meal somewhere. I think you need to look at family activities that take up time and are affordable e.g. I would compare the cost of a Costa trip of around £20 (which will last 30 mins max) to going out for the day somewhere.

Is it only one child who has leisure centre membership? What is the cost of the rest of you paying to join in activities as the child with the pass is likely to go free and maybe there are other clubs they could do.

As someone else has said paying £40 for one day out to a national trust site is silly. If you think you will visit 3 places a year then get a membership. We did this and made sure when we went anywhere we would look for NT places to visit for a 'free' (already paid for) day out.
Also look at passes for local attractions..while the cost initially is high, it gives you somewhere to visit and can soon earn it's worth (I do this for a local theme park, even the soft play is worth it for a few hours).
With things like passes for days out, ask for these as presents. If people ask what children would like, why not suggest tickets for cinema or money towards a theme park trip. Kids often get so many presents and as they get older they find these less interesting.

Ditch netflix and Disney or at least rotate them. We only have Disney when Tesco clubcard do the free 3 month trial. Talking of clubcard, we shop at Tesco to collect the points. We have then used these to visit various attractions.

Get the kids to get a blue Peter badge..this also gives children free entry to some places (list is online). You would have to pay for the adults but could still possibly make a saving.

Kids do not need constant uniform and definitely not new. I do generally get polo shirts new as ours are white so buying second hand isn't worth it as they don't generally come up as they get stained, by logo jumpers and even summer dresses and school trousers I buy from the PTA for £1. In the lower years I ignored any pen marks on jumpers as I would rather spend £1 on a marked jumper than £15 on a jumper that would also end up in the same state within a week.

Exactly. This isn't about "I've got it worse" but it genuinely blows my mind seeing threads like this and the figures people are "struggling " on.

Kindly @Wharawho 70k for a family of 5 isn’t a lot . Where in the UK do you live? Also, as you are aware £450 on a pcp car payment (will the car be yours at the end?) is too much out of your monthly budget.

It’s nice to work in a job that you love, but many, including you, do not have that option.

Do your have a monthly budget? Different pots of different expenses ?

Just to compare, we have 1 child, bring in just over 100k and also have to buy our clothes from the supermarket. We own our cars outright and this enables us to have a 4 bed detached house and holiday abroad.

I would never have a car on pcp and not for £450 a month ! and 3 kids are expensive .

I could be you... Income the same (if you mean before tax) in a 3 bed semi with similar mortgage. Only 2 kids, but one is in nursery with fees and also have a large dog that eats a lot!

We do manage to put money into savings each month (direct debit as soon as money goes in) so have a buffer for big bills and have one 8 year old car owned outright. If we had to buy another second hand car our savings would be wiped out.

We don't really holiday, but I wouldn't want to have the stress of big travel with little kids plus the dog is nervous and couldn't be kenelled. We have no family help.

I think you are comparing yourself to other mumsnetters too much. I class us as comfortable, not struggling at all, even though our positions are the same! Can you try to reframe it that you have no debt, have the freedom to run your own business, have a nice home, can run two cars etc etc.

Comparison is the thief of joy and all that (though I am often the same, checking Rightmove and looking at all the nice houses we couldnt afford).

You are actually doing well!

Lovely, helpful, funny answer.

Depending on how often you need two cars would it be more economical to hire a car on those days? Just a thought. Is public transport available for school pickups on the days when your husband needs a car to get to work? I feel your pain.

"Our fuel is £250 a month due to husband commuting 2 times a week to the office and me driving large distances for work at times!"

Fuel expenses for your work should not be coming out of your take home pay.

Things will improve when the children are older.
Everything is very expensive.
It is impossible to stay on a budget.
Unexpected things pop up, birthday party gift, a funeral, a wedding invite, boiler dues, car breaks down etc.
Live really tight for two years, try.to save a 100 a month too, start with 50, cut back on any non essentials, I have started to use vinted for 2nd hand clothing, not noticing a change yet but I managed to buy a summer wardrobe for under 50 euro.
Food, electricity, heat mortgages have all increased by at least 35%.

A few things stand out from your posts.
I think you need to sit down together and agree a budget......a tough one for a few months to get you back on track. Some of your priorities seems strange, being blunt you are putting wants above needs.
You need glasses but instead are spending on wants.....£16 on ice cream, a few costa trips a month, streaming services.....it all adds up.
Your food shopping bill seems high to me too....I cook from scratch and my weekly shopping averages £95 per week (I track all food spending). That's for me, dh plus our hungry 17 and 19 year old. Look at meals using pulses and cheaper cuts of meat, you could save quite a bit without compromising on nutrition. Use what is in season and make the most of supermarket offers.
Use the advice on MSE site to make sure you are paying as little as possible for insurance and utilities.
Good luck.

Our household income is about £70k as I work part time and on a low wage whilst studying.

However we have no children and no housing costs as our house was bought outright with an inheritance. Plus our 2 cars are owned outright (and are both rather old, but do the job).

I expect we would struggle too with £1k mortgage and 3 children.

You’ve traded work-related stress for financial stress.

If you’re only just paying yourself minimum wage after two years, maybe you need to close the business (or at least put it on the back burner for now) and focus on getting a proper salaried role.

I run my own business too and I know how amazing it is to do what you love every single day, but ultimately there are bills to pay and you have three children to support. You can’t do that on minimum wage and be comfortable financially.