AIBU for not asking DD21 if she wanted dinner tonight

[ML5]

Finished work 530pm, DH picked me up after his work (he finished at 4pm so was home 430pm)we got home and I started to make dinner. DH had already told me that DS24 and DD21 had already just eaten so I didn’t ask them if they wanted dinner (usually I do ask but as DH had already told me they had both just eaten I didn’t ask them).
DD21 comes downstairs and says what’s for dinner (just to add DD21 does not work nor does DS24) she then starts getting very rude towards me which then makes me/DH argue.
AIBU to not of saved her some dinner when DH had already of told me she had just eaten?

Everyone in your house is old enough to make their own blasted dinner.

at post 20 your children need to be making their own dinners. And frankly DH should’ve had dinner sorted and should be giving the cheeky one a single penny.

stop jumping up for them, you’ve done your bit. Time for everyone to start sorting themselves out.

Yep! And Even allowing for two rude adult people who’ve already eaten, why didn’t your DH bother to start cooking as he was home before you?

Totally agree and Op is studiously avoiding any question about her DH. Being a domestic doormat and finding fault with her daughters is easier than admitting you married a prick.

Your family sound like a bunch of idle scroungers. More fool you if you cater to it.

Why aren't these adult children working, and contributing financially to the household?
Better still, why haven't they moved out and got their own lives?

If they absolutely must live with you, OP, why aren't they doing housework, shopping and cooking?
Stop indulging and infantilising them, otherwise they'll still be there when they're 40 and expecting you to run around after them!

Not kind! OP is probably too nice, then ppl take advantage, no one should be criticised for being nice.

Why are you cooking dinner for anyone if you're the last one at work?
Especially if your daughter hasn't been working?!
Why is your husband telling you to buy food, is he incapable? Better still, your daughter? She has money for nandos, she has money for groceries.

Why only focus on the daughters and not the husband? He doesn’t appear to contribute domestically either. Waited until his wife got in from work for her to make his dinner…🙄 who is the infant there?

No criticism for the beloved son either I notice….

Not saying DD is in the right but curious how she seems to be getting the brunt of the blame compared to the two males.

Why did your daughter get fired, and what has she done about getting another job?

why don’t your husband make dinner ? So many have asked..

why don’t your husband make dinner ? So many have asked..

100% agree with this. Took me a while to adjust I was so used to being the one who put dinner on the table and my adult children expected it. Things have changed took a while for us all to adjust.

How does your husband treat you? It sounds as though he doesn’t have any respect for you and you are last in the pecking order in your household. Have your daughters picked up his attitude towards you?

I can see how this might affect your ability to stand up for yourself.

You should set your standards though. Your daughters are not seeing a great example of how women should expect to be treated by men.

Tell your DD she can take her cheek and entitled elsewhere if she's not happy with the way things are run in your house, because you won't miss them.

when I worked with adults with learning difficulties, we were trained to not do anything for them that they could do for themselves. I think it’s a good mantra for all adults! We have FIL staying and recovering so he got used to being waited on but he’s now better, so when he was waiting for his sandwich I said,‘there’s the bread and help yourself to..’ I also just leave his washing until he does it.
it works because I’m not resentful and he feels independent.
Maybe your family are not treating you with respect as you have become the skivvy - no one else wants to do that stuff, but equally they have disdain for people that do.
you don’t need to cause a big scene, which I’m guessing might be uncomfortable and isn’t the most effective thing imo, but perhaps say,‘I’ll be in at 6, can you have the dinner made’ you might have to suggest what and be incredibly delighted when it happens. That’s ok, it’s how you train a toddler, or a dog ( or a DH) If it doesn’t happen, say,’oh what a shame, I’ll eat this then- and make toast/ eat the delicious deli food you’ve bought in ( enough for one) upstairs, in bed, with the Telly on.
you have to stick at it!
then gradually add things on - ‘oh I don’t do your washing now, you’re 20, capable of doing it ‘
and if DS or DH pretend they don’t know how to put the washing machine on ( in the past I’d just put it on thinking it was easier) now I say something like,’what? You’ve a team of 20 and you can’t work a washing machine? You probably need to ask google.’- or now I just scratch my head and say,’well I don’t know either’
honestly!

Oh come on op you surely know YANBU. You are out at work the latest and there's 2 adults at home not working they should be making dinner and it's not up to you to fill the fridge if they want a fully stocked fridge they should get a job and buy their own!

When I was 14 or 15, too young to work after school and no neighborhood kids to babysit - my mum taught and dad was a farmer.
I got home from school one day and thought I’d be helpful so I made spaghetti - both my parents ridiculed me. They laughed and they taunted. That began years of my family thinking it was fine to say whatever they liked about my cooking and baking skills regardless of how harmful they were.
They told me I was too sensitive.
I never tried cooking again. Now they wonder why I don’t offer to contribute to family meals.
I don’t care.
Teach your children well.

There seems to be pretty much a consensus on this thread that OP is NBU (and I agree), so why is it on any "Should I be charging my adult DC board"? thread it's full of "Ooh, I could never charge my child to live in their own home, unless I keep the money and give it all back for a house deposit".

Where are all those posters on this thread? Why aren't they saying "Your poor DD, you're not treating her as part of the family, she must have been starving to order a Nando's, you terrible excuse for a mother"?

Sorry, not the point of the thread but it occurred to me ( and made me annoyed).

“according to DH I should at least fill the fridge up properly during the week“
ask him why it’s your responsibility and not his.

You have serious problems with grown adults living at home not working and still expecting you to do everything for them like they’re little kids. They should be cooking dinner themselves for the whole family, it should not be down to you after coming in from a day at work. They should also be doing washing, cleaning and so on to earn their keep - assuming not paying you rent if not working,

The adult children who have been home all day should be cooking for you, not complaining that you didn't cook for them when they have already eaten. I think that you need to make sure they find jobs and contribute to the household that they live in, it should not be up to you to do everything now they are adults.

There are young people under 30 & sadly even older who for some reason nowadays still act like teenagers. I honestly wish somebody could explain the reason for this as it totally bambozzles me.

They do it because they've been allowed the option. Most people would readily accept all the freedoms of being a grown up with absolutely none of the responsibilities or obligations. There's no incentive to take on the hard parts of adulthood if you can just have all the perks on their own.

Sure they might know on some abstract level that they might be better off at some undetermined point down the road if they worked and took on more responsibility now, but that's hard and the rewards are too vague while the easy road now is very real and immediately rewarding. And at the end of the day what they're doing isn't so different than the parents... letting adult children do what they want and freeload lets them avoid conflict, seeing their DC uncomfortable, and feeling like the bad guy in the short-term even if it's ultimately doing everyone a disservice and isn't sustainable.

Why is it your job to “fill the fridge”? I didn’t live at home at 21 but the years before I left home I bought my own groceries and cooked for the family, as did my siblings and everyone else my age. Your daughter sounds lazy and spoilt and your husband is outrageous for enabling her and expecting you to do and pay for the food shopping. Your children are ADULTS. It’s pathetic. If I was you, I would be putting my foot down and not do anything for anyone in the household and tell them to fend for themselves (they’re all adults so that shouldn’t be an issue). They have no respect for you and that needs to change

'Bamboozles' Go away predictive text. I think I'll remove it.😦