AIBU for not asking DD21 if she wanted dinner tonight

[ML5]

Finished work 530pm, DH picked me up after his work (he finished at 4pm so was home 430pm)we got home and I started to make dinner. DH had already told me that DS24 and DD21 had already just eaten so I didn’t ask them if they wanted dinner (usually I do ask but as DH had already told me they had both just eaten I didn’t ask them).
DD21 comes downstairs and says what’s for dinner (just to add DD21 does not work nor does DS24) she then starts getting very rude towards me which then makes me/DH argue.
AIBU to not of saved her some dinner when DH had already of told me she had just eaten?

Thank you everyone for letting me know that I am not being unreasonable as my DH thinks I should make sure the fridge is filled but I said to him I don’t think so

Why is it your responsibility to make sure the fridge is filled? Why is your DH incapable of doing a food shop or more to the point your children too?

YANBU, both dc should be cooking for themselves and should get jobs. Why are they like this?

Why did you and DH argue? Does he let them get away with being twats?

Why does he think it’s your job?

A dinner after a takeaway at 5:30 does seem a lot, but if you normally cook for her I would probably have checked with her.

Sounds like you have a bigger, long term problem with her being ungrateful and failing to launch, though. I think there are a lot of suggestions on the thread for what you could reasonably expect from your DC if they are living at home at your expense. It would be to their benefit if you started to raise your expectations of them. This isn't good for you, but it's probably even worse for them.

Yes he does however it’s not my DS that complained it’s my DD

Are your (adult) children studying? How is she paying for Nando’s if she doesn’t work?

And no, YANBU.

Why does neither DD work?

DD had ordered and eaten a full Nando’s at 430/445 and DH had told me that DD had already eaten dinner so as it was so close to me getting home and putting 4 chicken Kievs in oven I did not think she would be hungry for that afterwards

Four adults but the one who gets home latests is supposed to fill the fridge and be everyone's on-demand cook.

I think not. Tell them Mum's Kitchen is closed and they need to fend for themselves. If your husband doesn't like that, let him shop and cook. You aren't their servant. They are adults!

Why are they not working?

Why are they not doing jobs at home if they aren't working?

You're enabling them to be shit humans.

Yes OP. You seem to be avoiding this question.

Sorry wasn’t avoiding this question

DD24 although is at home he does tutor online which he gets paid for

DD21 got fired from her job about a month ago

DH stupidly transfers her money for food I have told him many times not to but he does

WHY DOES YOUR DH THINK YOU ARE UNREASONABLE HERE? I just don't understand. I have a lot of questions about why your unemployed adult DD can eat an overpriced takeaway and still expect you to also cook for her and also complain about the lack of food in the house, but, she's 21, she's following the prevailing attitude in the household, which is led by your partner, an adult, having the f-ing audacity to even make you feel you need to write this post. What's wrong with him?

So both of your adult children are home all day and you’re cooking because…….?
Is your son who tutors working full-time hours?
OP, kindly, you need to stop enabling them. Stop cooking, stop funding them, they’re adults and are capable of shopping for/cooking a meal. You must be exhausted doing it all!

It's time to address the underlying issue - this isn't about a miscommunication over one dinner and you won't get anywhere arguing over that.

I'm going to be blunt with this: Unless an adult child has profound disabilities it is an abject failure of parenting to enable an adult to live at home indefinitely with no responsibilities, expectations for age-appropriate and respectful behavior, or requirements that they're making progress towards independence. Right now they're living like spoiled, unparented children. This situation isn't serving you or your daughters and it's time to sit down with your DH and decide how it will change. Lay out how they need to contribute to the household as adults if they continue to live with you (this means both financially and through work around the home) and acceptable behavior in the family home. If they don't want to do that then give them a timeline for leaving. If your DH doesn't want to link arms with you on this then he needs to cover their share of both the chores and the finances, hopefully while you make your exit plans because that means he's a lousy father and partner.

It sounds like your dh is creating an entitled adult who thinks you live to serve her and that she doesn’t have to take any personal responsibility. Do you think he has any awareness of that?

OP there are four adults living in your house. You are not responsible for a) buying them food or b) preparing their meals. I sincerely hope you're not doing their laundry or clearing up after them either.

It's time you started a rebellion - when you get home from work, pour yourself a nice glass of wine or a g&t and go and have a long soak in a bubble bath. Then get your comfies on and make yourself something nice to eat. Put on your favourite tv show and put your feet up!

Sorry, OP, I didn't mean to sound critical of your not cooking for her.

I don't think it's unreasonable to have assumed. I think I would have checked in the same circumstances but maybe not, especially if DH had something more along the lines of "She's already had dinner" rather than, say, "she had a take away earlier". She was, in any case, totally out of order to be rude to you.

There are bigger issues than dinner in your household.
as she isn’t working she can go and stock the fridge up! She’s entitled and rude

Your daughter is 21, and should be putting effort into finding a job. She is an adult, and should be contributing to the family finances whilst she's living at home. Your husband is a fool for transferring her money, where's her motivation to find a job, if Daddy keeps giving her money?! There's isn't any, and as long as he continues to do it, she'll sit on her arse doing zero. I suspect there was food in the fridge, just not what she wanted to eat. When she starts paying her way, then you'll stock the fridge, until then she'll have to deal with what's in there. I certainly wouldn't have my adult child making demands in my house, they'd get a rocket up their arse for being rude and entitled. Perhaps she should be starting to cook a meal before you and her Dad come home, as a way of contributing?!

I cook for both my kids in their 20’s but I don’t work and they’ll be off soon so it’s my pleasure to make them a good meal while I can. Of If I worked and dh was home before me I would definitely expect them to sort themselves out though.

I would expect the house clean, dinner on the table and all washing done if I had a 21 year old and 24 year old living at home and not working.They can buy a Nandos but couldn’t nip to a shop for a few groceries. I think what is even worse that your husband is sticking up for your DD. The first D doesn’t stand for darling it stands for Dreadful🙈🤣

Totally agree 👍

DH finishes work before you but you still have to cook.
DH tells you to keep the fridge stocked.
DH tells you not to cook for the kids because he decides they aren't hungry.
You and DH argue.

You have a massive DH problem. He's not your boss but for some reason you do as he says, or doubt your ability to say no. Why is that?