Disgusted by school’s response to complaint about pervy teacher

[SophEll]

I had a night out a few weeks ago with a friend. In a bar, we were approached by a man (who had a male friend with him) who started talking to us. He seemed quite drunk, but explained he recognised me from past parents evenings. At this point, I realised who he was - he taught one of my DC at their old school (they’ve since left). Out of nowhere, he said to me ‘I always used to imagine what it would have been like to bend you over that desk’. I was speechless, my friend said ‘excuse me’ and he replied ‘joking obviously’ and we walked off. My friend couldn’t believe what we had heard.

The following Monday, I checked the schools website which confirmed he was still teaching there. I followed the complaints procedure on their website and got a fairly blunt reply which was along the lines of, ‘sorry but as this happened outside of school and at a non school event, we are unable to review your complaint’. I challenged this - said surely it’s of interest to them and again they replied and also said it is outside of the remit for the DfE, and that they’d file any further correspondence from me without responding.

I was furious, as someone like that should not be teaching children in my view. Another friend says they think I can complain straight to Ofsted and they should take it seriously. I’ve also considered writing to my local paper about the schools dismissive response.

My DH thinks I need to drop it and that I’m just stressing myself out by taking it further - he thinks he will just deny the comment and that will be that, but he’ll be suitably embarrassed not to say something like that again.

AIBU to pursue this?

OP I think it is you who has had a sheltered life.

He was in a pub! Now if he had said it to you in the classroom then yes agree with you.

What exactly would you have deemed a suitable response? What are you expecting them to do?

It was a sleazy comment made whilst drunk, not in school time, not on school grounds and not said towards a child?

👏 👏 👏

I honestly think this is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read on mumsnet. Get a grip op

How dare she have her own mind!

I would have concerns about him - he's sleezy. Being drunk may be a reason, but not an excuse - there is a difference. Obviously a dodgy man I'd report it. Totally unacceptable behaviour &, if he'd said it to me I think my DH would've decked him.

You’ve come to the wrong forum to raise this, what response were you expecting here, you are being unreasonable.

On another note my DS teacher is bloody gorgeous and I’ve often thought id like him to bend me over his desk!

Get a grip, one stupid drunken chat up line, I’ve heard worse!

I don’t have DC at this school anymore. If me pursuing this helps ensure no other person has to go through this at the hands of that teacher then it will be worthwhile me pursuing it.

OMG. What are you on about?

If he recognised you from Tesco would you have called their head office and demanded a meeting with their Board?

You have no perspective on this that is reasonable. Yeah gross and inappropriate but what actual crime was committed. You may think he should be punished but he didn’t break the law.

Your husband was right and AIBU was 90%. Stop arguing. We don’t agree with your ridiculous reaction to this.

When I read things about men making sleazy comments I am always reminded of the Olympics Opening Ceremony in Paris. There was a very good looking man doing something on camera and some of the comments from women on here were amazing, some not dissimilar to this man's drunken remark.

He made one drunken inappropriate comment. He didn't pursue it. That is not sexual harassment
Let it go

Saviour complex

If you insist on persisting with this you’re going to make an absolute fool of yourself. You’re probably already the talk of staffroom as it is. You’ll come across unstable if you carry on pushing it. What is it you want? There is no proof it even happened.

I see it from the other side too. Its hard being a teacher. Im a teacher. We are judged by higher standards than anyone else.

If i go out to a pub and i see ex - students or parents , i feel like i cant drink or get drunk, as it might ruin my professional reputation. What do you outside of work is judged.

Also i cant have any of my social media profiles set to public, and i have to have very bland photos as my profile photo. I cant for example have a photo of me out partying with a drink in my hand, or a photo of me on holiday in a swimsuit as my profile photo

A lot of teachers change their name on facebook (they might spell their first name backwards) so the students /parents cant find them.

Ffs. How dramatic!

Yes! Let's let all verbal harassments slide because that will definitely create a safer society.

Be nice to think that all the teachers in our schools would be people we'd regard as flawless role models of polite humanity, but realistically, we have to expect they're going to include some who engage in what might be considered dubious behaviour in their private lives.

It's a matter of degree, obviously. Teachers don't have to be behaving unlawfully to sensibly be regarded as unsuitable for the job. Someone like the OP encountered, if behaving lewdly often and visibly enough, in social media for example, might draw enough public attention to themselves to be regarded as a liability by the school.

One complaint of sleazy chat, from a woman who encountered him drunk in a late night bar, is unlikely to fall into that category.

I guarantee they won't, what exactly do you want/expect them to do?

If you think a chrome's been committed (you mentioned sexual harassment) report it to the police.

TBH I'm not sure I'm buying this. If, as a school leader, this complaint had landed on my desk, I'd have spoken to the man and offered "professional advice". I would have sent a very bland, thank you for your letter response to you though, no way on earth you'd be told what the outcome was.

For the comparisons with other jobs etc. I once worked in the branch of a bank and a colleague approached a customer outside of work and referenced an interaction they had - a sexually motivated comment was made. That colleague was issued with a written warning.

My point is - employers should expect certain standards and this isn’t any different in teaching - this school is clearly looking after their own.

I've faced plenty of 'awful experiences' in my life including domestic violence, a violent sexual assault in the street, another aggressive sexual assault in a public space (the perpetrator of that one was a woman - try getting that taken seriously when most people seem to think it's a crime that doesn't exist) and a number of lower level sexual assaults including ones that took place in my then workplaces, along with sexual harassment at work and from strangers. Oh, and more than one experience involving indecent exposure. And I've had a death threat, a rape threat and three incidences of cyber-flashing online.

It's because I've had these awful experiences that I think it's massively disproportionate to start complaining to someone's employer over [check notes] a tedious Carry On level remark in a bar.

Let's not confuse 'awful' with 'annoying and rude'.

Do you work now?

There is a phrase - 'in vino veritas' literal meaning 'in wine, there is the truth' meaning drunk people say what they're thinking. I'd have my concerns about his thinking & his values. Is teaching the right job for him when he may have to deal with vulnerable parents? I think not.

Abbycarry2211 · Today 15:18

I see it from the other side too. Its hard being a teacher. Im a teacher. We are judged by higher standards than anyone else."

I know. It's so very hard not to tell women you'd like to bend them over the desk and give them one. A nigh impossible standard to live up to.

You are absolutely overreacting.

You’ve reported it to the school - if there is any pattern of repeated behaviour etc or any other concerns about this teacher they have the information.

However if this was a one off poorly judged chat line to someone - a fellow adult - he was trying to (very badly) flirt with in a bar then what do you expect to happen?

Lots of men and women have rich fantasy lives - I think the difference is most men would be quite flattered to be told they were the subject of a fantasy even in someone they didn’t fancy themselves. So they don’t get that women don’t feel the same way.

He didn’t try to keep pestering you as soon as he saw your reaction. He probably knows you reported him to the school.

Jesus wept