Disgusted by school’s response to complaint about pervy teacher

[SophEll]

I had a night out a few weeks ago with a friend. In a bar, we were approached by a man (who had a male friend with him) who started talking to us. He seemed quite drunk, but explained he recognised me from past parents evenings. At this point, I realised who he was - he taught one of my DC at their old school (they’ve since left). Out of nowhere, he said to me ‘I always used to imagine what it would have been like to bend you over that desk’. I was speechless, my friend said ‘excuse me’ and he replied ‘joking obviously’ and we walked off. My friend couldn’t believe what we had heard.

The following Monday, I checked the schools website which confirmed he was still teaching there. I followed the complaints procedure on their website and got a fairly blunt reply which was along the lines of, ‘sorry but as this happened outside of school and at a non school event, we are unable to review your complaint’. I challenged this - said surely it’s of interest to them and again they replied and also said it is outside of the remit for the DfE, and that they’d file any further correspondence from me without responding.

I was furious, as someone like that should not be teaching children in my view. Another friend says they think I can complain straight to Ofsted and they should take it seriously. I’ve also considered writing to my local paper about the schools dismissive response.

My DH thinks I need to drop it and that I’m just stressing myself out by taking it further - he thinks he will just deny the comment and that will be that, but he’ll be suitably embarrassed not to say something like that again.

AIBU to pursue this?

So, he doesn't work for the church and I am sure you wasn't dressed like a nun.

Yeah i think its inappropriate what he said, but i wouldnt report it to the school.

Its not a school issue, in my opinion.

Theyre both adults. And teachers can flirt with other adults

He behaviour was clearly inappropriate, but I am not sure the school can do much about it, other than raise it with him maybe as an unacceptable way to talk to a parent of even a former pupil. I think bringing it to the schools attention was the correct thing to do though, as if others raise concerns it may be indicative of a bigger issue with him.

I might be tempted to write back to the school or even the governors to explain that you personally think they need to speak to him to explain how inappropriate his behaviour was (if you would want them to do this which you may not as it would identify you to him). I wouldn't want someone who thinks this is appropriate influencing young children and even potentially teaching PSHE. However, I can't see what could be done about it other than the school having a conversation with the teacher, which might make him rethink his behaviours anyway.

Thanks to the poster who suggested the school governors. They aren’t referenced in the complaints procedure on the website but I’m sure they’d be interested to learn of the dismissive and rude response so I will explore that avenue this evening.

Bit of an exaggeration or do you live a very sheltered life OP?

Absolutely beyond it

oh my god! what an awful experience it must have been for you? you were in a pub, full of people having a drink.. when people drink they get drunk and sometimes, just sometimes they forget themselves for a minute and say something YOU conside inappropriate.

i think you need to stop going to pubs!

🙄
Seriously OP, you are very much over reacting.

They won't care either you're going to be called one of those women rather than one of those parents. Most people knows those types.

Yes, it's OP who is 'tragic.' Of course it is!

how so?
He didn't say the fantasy of bending you over took place where children were present. He could have only had professional thoughts of you at the time and then the fantasy at home - i.e. out of work time.

Out of interest, if you had known him via any other work context, would you still have reported him to his employer? If he was a policeman? Your doctor? Your builder? Your solicitor? Your gym instructor?

Or is it solely because he works with children?

I have had sober men come up to me in London (one on a tube platform at midnight, one on a crowded street in London) proposing sexual activity with me in graphic terms. I said nothing to the first as the tube arrived and gave a gob-full to the second. Most women, sadly, will have experienced similar. What makes me angriest is that we have to waste energy dealing with it. But deal with it we must, preferably at the time.

No, it isn't 'acceptable' to me. No, I wouldn't enjoy it. But, as I would in any other case where someone I was chatting to said something I thought was unacceptable, I would deal with it by telling them, one way or another, to fuck off.

Not every misdemeanour warrants calling the police, calling someone's employer, etc. It is perfectly possible to make it clear that something is unacceptable in a way that's proportionate to the behaviour and context.

I find it incredibly, personally offensive that you class this as an “awful experience”. Read the room.

And let it go.

You're harassing him I would be very careful if I was you. Defamation of someone's character can land you in very hot water if he decides to sue. I hope he does because I don't think you're going to stop. You're dangerous.

His job is actually irrelevant. Teachers are human and fancy people they meet, in whatever circumstances, yes, even parents of kids they teach! And shock horror, they also have fantasies. I am pretty sure that children did not feature in his fantasy... I'd have found it funny and just a tiny bit flattering! If he had been a teacher, but knew you due to a hobby you did together and admitted the same fantasy, would you still seek to have sacked or is it just because he saw you at school?

I’ve answered that in my OP - he doesn’t think I will get any where. Luckily, I have my own mind and am very persistent when I need to be!

Someone I know was out clubbing the day after we finished Sixth Form and one of our teachers hit on her with basically "I couldn't say anything before but now you're not my pupil I can"

That was definitely inappropriate and worthy of complaint

@SophEll I suspect that that the school governors will applaud whoever within the school responded to you for having the good sense to be aware of HR guidance and employment law. No employer should discuss an employee with a random member of the public. What the school does now with your uncorroborated report is their business and none of yours, however, much you may want it to be.

Why do you need to be? What do you hope to achieve?

it is very much she said he said outside of school hours and nothing to do with school. He wasn’t representing the school at all and ultimately like it or not that kind of comment isn’t illegal.

do you want him to lose his job? What do you want

Even your DH has told you to leave it. Why are you so insistent that you have to keep going with this? The school have told you quite clearly that there is no complaint to answer. Plenty of us have had offensive comments made to us by drunk men, and we still think you’re being unreasonable.

Nothing will come of it and you’ll embarrass yourself in the process of trying to pursue this non-complaint.

No, you’re being dramatic and over the top, and making women like me who’ve had genuinely harrowing experiences less likely to be taken seriously.

You are going to embarrass yourself and your child who attends the school. It will backfire at you. You have your own mind and are clearly bored and needy to fill your time.

As seen on MN. 2025.