Disgusted by school’s response to complaint about pervy teacher

[SophEll]

I had a night out a few weeks ago with a friend. In a bar, we were approached by a man (who had a male friend with him) who started talking to us. He seemed quite drunk, but explained he recognised me from past parents evenings. At this point, I realised who he was - he taught one of my DC at their old school (they’ve since left). Out of nowhere, he said to me ‘I always used to imagine what it would have been like to bend you over that desk’. I was speechless, my friend said ‘excuse me’ and he replied ‘joking obviously’ and we walked off. My friend couldn’t believe what we had heard.

The following Monday, I checked the schools website which confirmed he was still teaching there. I followed the complaints procedure on their website and got a fairly blunt reply which was along the lines of, ‘sorry but as this happened outside of school and at a non school event, we are unable to review your complaint’. I challenged this - said surely it’s of interest to them and again they replied and also said it is outside of the remit for the DfE, and that they’d file any further correspondence from me without responding.

I was furious, as someone like that should not be teaching children in my view. Another friend says they think I can complain straight to Ofsted and they should take it seriously. I’ve also considered writing to my local paper about the schools dismissive response.

My DH thinks I need to drop it and that I’m just stressing myself out by taking it further - he thinks he will just deny the comment and that will be that, but he’ll be suitably embarrassed not to say something like that again.

AIBU to pursue this?

It is, and please don't water it down with "dumb comment" because rape culture is full of dumb comments. He bumped into a woman who he had previously had a professional interaction during a parents meeting and told her he fantasised with raping her during said meeting. Very scary

You have a vivid imagination.

Jesus wept. Get a hobby other than a fixation on ruining someone’s career over an ill judged comment from a drunken night out.

Goodness me he absolutely did not. What an hysterical point of view. Making absolutely gross comments about fantasising a sexual encounter does not equal wanting to rape her! You're doing more damage by pushing this narrative and, quite frankly, diminishing the suffering of women who have experienced actual rape culture. Christ on a bike, women like you are so dangerous.

Husband of OP has advised her to drop it but it is noticeable than when asked to help with the email he was quick to help out. This is a guy who obviously loves his job and wants to keep it😁

I'm sure the police would love to spend hours investigating one remark made by a drunken man on a night out.

Get a life, for goodness sake! I can't believe you reported him, I'm glad the school told you where to put your complaint 🙄

I Don’t think it’s anything to do with the man in the pub where you were both drinking. I think it’s to do with some thing that happened maybe even before you met your husband and it’s bringing it all back and I’m sorry. That’s what it does. but this guy? You’re directing your anger at the wrong person.

Unwanted contact is a form of harassment. You could report it to the police, but it’s a decision for you to make

Doesn't sound like this teacher person has any interest in any further contact.
He said something daft when he was drunk and probably wants to forget about it.

It's up to OP if she wants to make a song and dance about it.

the "grim world picture" is that of the loathsome pisshead 🤢

You didn't "go through" anything though. Please don't insult people who have been through difficult and traumatic experiences by likening a few words from someone who had one too many in a bar. These things happen countless times over the course of a week all over the world. Please find something constructive to fill your time and stop being so inappropriately and professionally outraged.

She is not a parent!

She doesn't have kids at the school!

Christ, I've known Heads to have affairs with teachers and teachers to marry parents. They're humans with a right to relationships. It happens!

Poor guy is probably frightened not to

I've had a few to drink as well. You seem to be directing it at me 😄 I get what you are saying and I am on the same page as you.

Has to go through what? A man saying a sexualised comment to them?

Is this the first time an unwanted suitor has said something sexual to you, OP?

You seem unusually enraged by it.

I think it’s to do with some thing that happened maybe even before you met your husband and it’s bringing it all back and I’m sorry. That’s what it does. but this guy? You’re directing your anger at the wrong person

Unless OP has never frequented bars before, and not encountered this common ( and pretty harmless) badinage? After a few pints they're always a bit gobby.
None of it is sinister and I'd wager not one of them are rapists.
Rapists are furtive and would not draw attention.

This man effectively apologised by saying he was "obviously just joking"

As Alan Bennett would say, "It's all a load of nowt"

Op you have raised your concerns with the school and they have chosen not to pursue it so drop it

It was out of school a drunken comment to another adult may have been a poorly judged joke so just forget about it

She has his boss on speed dial if he doesn't comply...

I don’t have DC at this school anymore. If me pursuing this helps ensure no other person has to go through this at the hands of that teacher then it will be worthwhile me pursuing it

That is soooo dramatic!

Oh FFS get this into perspective. He was drunk and he saw you and recognised you and then said something daft, and then retreated when you froze him out.

Another person might have recognised he was pissed and chatted to him and managed his expectations. If he was as drunk as you say he was, he would have been easily redirected. I've done it millions of times. Start talking about his job and how hard it is to be a teacher and you'd soon zero his testosterone.

That's not her DH, that's the Chair of Governors who she also appears to be stalking now

I would be happy to have that conversation.

He has helped me with my email this evening (he has written books before so has excellent writing style) . He doesn’t think it will get me far, but he supports me in whatever I do

I find it really very hard to believe that anyone would go to these lengths to stymie someone's career on the grounds of a drunken comment. I'm shocked that the husband would buy into this nonsense.

I love and respect my husband, but I would not support him in what I considered a nonsensical and pointless complaint. I can only imagine OPs husband feels he has no choice but to comply. He obvs has a sensitive wife and wants to make a show of support even if he thinks she's a bit nutty.

Personally, I'd refuse and tell my husband he was being a bit nutty and therefore I will not support him doing nutty stuff that will get him nowhere. I mean, I'd nip it in the bud. I've written a book on bringing up a disabled child which has mostly only sold to people who have a child with the same syndrome.

I think I also have an excellent writing style. Some may disagree.
No amount of writing style is going to alter facts.

Drunk bloke says something dodgy to familiar woman in nightclub. She's shocked and shows it. He backtracks and says he was joking then walks away.

Woman then acts like she's been traumatised and wants to take him off the streets so he can't do this to anybody else.

Can't do this to anybody else!? Do what to anybody else? Make a suggestive comment and then retreat? Every man has done this. They all know who they are. Doesn't make them rapists or bullies or red flaggists or horrible people.
Sometimes the suggestive comment strikes a chord and if she fancies him too all is well.

Woman in the middle of a nightclub with friends and surrounded by others is pretty safe if she wants to reject a suitor. As someone else said early on, if she'd fancied him too it would be a different story.

I actually take umbrage at OP saying she wants to make sure this doesn't happen to anyone else as relates to his job. They met by chance. He didn't stalk her. He just recognised her and he was pissed. He's not going to stalk other female parents, and to assume he's a predator is ridiculous.

Whatever. OP. Drop it. Let your husband off the hook. Sure he loves you and all, but you're being high maintenance currently.

That's not her DH, that's the Chair of Governors who she also appears to be stalking now

Well you see, we could all assume there's something going on there.
Who knows? But we won't, of course. because we are not drama seekers.

Oh my goodness reporting him twice is such overkill. You have probably never been drunk, but if I was reported to my workplace every time I’d said something stupid over the years, then I’d be utterly unemployable by now! It’s nothing to do with his workplace, and you should have just told your friend that you think he’s a tw@t and moved on with your life. They are probably having a good laugh about you at school. Teacher lounge gossip is some of the funniest I’ve witnessed in my lifetime!

You are trying to ruin his life. There is a teacher shortage and you and no complaints when he was teaching your daughter and whilst what he said was a bit sleazy it’s not something to lose his job and livelihood over. Plus your wasting a lot of other people time and school resources that would be better focused elsewhere.

This thread is utterly ridiculous. So, on a night out a drunk man you vaguely know made a sleazy comment to you. Instead of telling him where to go and walking away like a normal person, you report him to his employers, even though it's absolutely nothing to do with them. He works at a school your children don't even attend any more. I would be livid if my son's school expended energy and resources on such a silly report. Stop looking for someone else to handle this trivial situation. Do you normally struggle with common social occurrences when you're out for the evening?