Disgusted by school’s response to complaint about pervy teacher

[SophEll]

I had a night out a few weeks ago with a friend. In a bar, we were approached by a man (who had a male friend with him) who started talking to us. He seemed quite drunk, but explained he recognised me from past parents evenings. At this point, I realised who he was - he taught one of my DC at their old school (they’ve since left). Out of nowhere, he said to me ‘I always used to imagine what it would have been like to bend you over that desk’. I was speechless, my friend said ‘excuse me’ and he replied ‘joking obviously’ and we walked off. My friend couldn’t believe what we had heard.

The following Monday, I checked the schools website which confirmed he was still teaching there. I followed the complaints procedure on their website and got a fairly blunt reply which was along the lines of, ‘sorry but as this happened outside of school and at a non school event, we are unable to review your complaint’. I challenged this - said surely it’s of interest to them and again they replied and also said it is outside of the remit for the DfE, and that they’d file any further correspondence from me without responding.

I was furious, as someone like that should not be teaching children in my view. Another friend says they think I can complain straight to Ofsted and they should take it seriously. I’ve also considered writing to my local paper about the schools dismissive response.

My DH thinks I need to drop it and that I’m just stressing myself out by taking it further - he thinks he will just deny the comment and that will be that, but he’ll be suitably embarrassed not to say something like that again.

AIBU to pursue this?

Ok continue your daft point that me suffer from being sexually assaulted, objectified, sexualised from being children and suffer from sexism as much as women and girl’s

its just that, daft because it’s utter rubbish

She walked away and he left her alone you are very dangerous person to be thinking like this.

Blind support is not necessarily a positive in a partner. We all need to be encouraged to reconsider sometimes. Your DH didn't agree with you pursuing this and now he supports you in whatever you do. It's clear from the evidence of your OP that he doesn't support you in everything you do.

Edited for typo

No one is trivialising what you have gone through. I am so sorry you went through that. People are using common sense because he left her alone he probably felt like a twat after.

Men are sexually assaulted, objectified and sexually abused as children.

Like, a well known "trope" of sexual abuse is the Altar Boy being abused by the Catholic Priest or the Boy Scout and the Leader

Which means rape jokes being made about YOUNG boys

Sexism is a separate issue to sexual abuse and it's important to see that else male victims struggle to come forward. Same as female victims of female sexual abuse.

He’s in the privileged position of not having ever had to ensure the sort of experience I had - we had a good talk over dinner and he understood why I’m so passionate about this.

Tenner says it was a one way briefing

This can't be real you are upsetting women who have experienced actual sexual assault.

Exactly

It's very important to note that when challenged he tried to pass it off as a joke and then didn't pursue OP as she walked away

Compared to if he had then knuckled down on his comments, called her frigid etc, followed her and tried to corner her etc

It's obvious he made a thoughtless comment, didn't get a positive response he had expected, realised it was stupid and felt embarrassed

This man made a completely un-consensual sexually aggressive/ sexually humiliating comment with severely misogynistic tones to a woman he barely knows (who he’s only ever had contact with in his role as a teacher to her child). it really upset the OP- understandably so.
you are minimising it and I am the dangerously one for pointing out that’s not ok, and exactly how rape culture works? ok. 👍🏻

He nodded his head t shut you up because you won't let this non event drop

I haven't changed my opinion about you. You are in the minority in this argument against castrating men.

It's not rape culture to make a dumb comment to a woman

He accepted it and left it

Rape culture would have involved him making further comments and/or following her and trying to coerce, threat or force himself on her

Where have I said it’s misogynistic to fancy someone or have sexual thoughts about someone

it’s that he felt he had the right to share these sexual thoughts (without invitation) if he kept them to himself no one would know

but he has shown who he is a misogynistic creep who feels it’s his right to share his sexual fantasy with no thought of how the op might take this or that she may be extremely uncomfortable

and given how they know each other it’s also extremely inappropriate

Mothers of sons will be petrified reading this thread.

Rightly so.

Well I'm pleased you have changed his mind, even if only for tge sake of domestic harmony. If you continue to think you have had to 'endure' as a result of one pissed man making an out-of-order comment in a bar about bending you over a desk, you've led a very sheltered life.

Nobody is suggesting teachers don't go out and get drunk and whatever.

However, very few teachers would approach a woman they recognised as a parent in the school they work at, and tell her that they used to fantasise about bending her over their desk and fucking her.

This is deliberate, pointed misogynist behaviour, intended to degrade the OP and make her feel uncomfortable.

How dare he speak to any woman like this, let alone the mother of a child he has taught in his class.

The fact people think this was just a bit of fun for him on a night out, or use the fact he was possibly drunk as a valid excuse, are as bad as him!

A creep is a creep is a creep. It's never just 'one drunk mistake.'

The reason they get away with it is precisely because of the attitudes expressed on this thread. Women literally falling over themselves to minimise his behaviour and attack the OP instead. Who needs Andrew Tate & co when women have such low standards they are doing his work for him!

She has the right to go for a night out with a friend without needing to put up with this shite. Other women would have thrown a drink in his face or smacked him one. Or reported him to the manager of the bar. If OP wants to report him to the school, then that's what she should do. He only has himself to blame and next time, he might think twice. He 100% deserves to be shamed.

I have no idea why people think being drunk makes it ok either. I could be paralytic, I still would never go up to someone and say that because I'm not an entitled creep who gets off in making people feel uncomfortable.

Stop being apologists for misogynists and potentially dangerous creeps!

I’m not

I am concerned that in our society we seem to be lowering the bar for men and teenage boys

I am raising the bar for my ds and so are other parents I know by having conversations about what is appropriate, acceptable and the importance of boundaries and respect

Absurd. His comment doesn't tell us he's misogynistic. He might be, he might not. Fantasising about sex with a woman he finds attractive and expressing it, albeit inappropriately, doesn't make him a misogynist.

He's a bloke who made an ill considered, sleazy comment to a woman whilst drunk

It's absolutely no reflection on how he is as a teacher

Excellent post turningpoints

The voice of reason has arrived! 🤗

This thread is being pivoted

@HuffleMyPuffle It's not rape culture to make a dumb comment to a woman.

It is, and please don't water it down with "dumb comment" because rape culture is full of dumb comments. He bumped into a woman who he had previously had a professional interaction during a parents meeting and told her he fantasised with raping her during said meeting. Very scary.

Really

a misogynist is a misogynist

it doesn’t stay hidden he made it clear what he is