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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disgusted by school’s response to complaint about pervy teacher

1000 replies

SophEll · 30/04/2025 13:43

I had a night out a few weeks ago with a friend. In a bar, we were approached by a man (who had a male friend with him) who started talking to us. He seemed quite drunk, but explained he recognised me from past parents evenings. At this point, I realised who he was - he taught one of my DC at their old school (they’ve since left). Out of nowhere, he said to me ‘I always used to imagine what it would have been like to bend you over that desk’. I was speechless, my friend said ‘excuse me’ and he replied ‘joking obviously’ and we walked off. My friend couldn’t believe what we had heard.

The following Monday, I checked the schools website which confirmed he was still teaching there. I followed the complaints procedure on their website and got a fairly blunt reply which was along the lines of, ‘sorry but as this happened outside of school and at a non school event, we are unable to review your complaint’. I challenged this - said surely it’s of interest to them and again they replied and also said it is outside of the remit for the DfE, and that they’d file any further correspondence from me without responding.

I was furious, as someone like that should not be teaching children in my view. Another friend says they think I can complain straight to Ofsted and they should take it seriously. I’ve also considered writing to my local paper about the schools dismissive response.

My DH thinks I need to drop it and that I’m just stressing myself out by taking it further - he thinks he will just deny the comment and that will be that, but he’ll be suitably embarrassed not to say something like that again.

AIBU to pursue this?

OP posts:
HRTQueen · 30/04/2025 21:37

HuffleMyPuffle · 30/04/2025 21:32

The point is that OP and others are implying this teacher isn't safe around children because he was having these thoughts whilst around said children

Maybe 2 posters have "excused" the man, most of us have said his comments were sleazy and unacceptable.

His misogynistic views will not be hidden

they always give their views away in some way or another like racists do

I would rather he wasn’t teaching

Tandora · 30/04/2025 21:37

Helloworlditsmeagain · 30/04/2025 21:35

He said something inappropriate in a nightclub to an ex parent. Should he have his balls chopped off for trying his luck?

Again “trying his luck”…?? Is that what you perceive this as..?

What is this minimisation? The man said apropro of nothing he wanted to bend her over a desk. Why is it ok for a male stranger to sexually humiliate a woman?

Helloworlditsmeagain · 30/04/2025 21:39

HRTQueen · 30/04/2025 21:37

His misogynistic views will not be hidden

they always give their views away in some way or another like racists do

I would rather he wasn’t teaching

This is going to far I told my partner about this thread who is by the way a black Anglo Jamaican man and he rolled his eyes. Not an appropriate argument to have.

Tandora · 30/04/2025 21:41

Helloworlditsmeagain · 30/04/2025 21:39

This is going to far I told my partner about this thread who is by the way a black Anglo Jamaican man and he rolled his eyes. Not an appropriate argument to have.

Why isn’t someone allowed to compare misogyny to racism? Why do you think one is more acceptable/ excusable than the other?

BankHolidayBonanza · 30/04/2025 21:42

Tandora · 30/04/2025 21:37

Again “trying his luck”…?? Is that what you perceive this as..?

What is this minimisation? The man said apropro of nothing he wanted to bend her over a desk. Why is it ok for a male stranger to sexually humiliate a woman?

Where did you see he "sexually humiliated" a woman?

He embarrassed himself, he was inappropriate, but good grief the over-reaction is something else. Hardly surprising on MN, but at least the majority on this thread is showing common sense.

HRTQueen · 30/04/2025 21:42

BankHolidayBonanza · 30/04/2025 21:37

why are you making it a man problem?

I have heard (drunk) women being just as bad if not worst, and not all men look terribly comfortable when they were the chosen victims.

Ask any cop dealing with drunks on nights out, I am sure they all have similar stories to tell - ask male and female cops.

If it wasn't acceptable, the time to complain was at the bar there and then.

Because we live in a misogynistic world

I have not said women don’t make such remark but men are not hassled like women they are not sexualised from being children so I am not going to make the point on this thread what about the men

I don’t tend to confront men who have been drinking myself .. I don’t feel it’s safe to and if a man makes such comments (without invitation) he has already told you that he has no respect for you and your boundaries so it’s not always safe to confront him

Helloworlditsmeagain · 30/04/2025 21:43

Tandora · 30/04/2025 21:37

Again “trying his luck”…?? Is that what you perceive this as..?

What is this minimisation? The man said apropro of nothing he wanted to bend her over a desk. Why is it ok for a male stranger to sexually humiliate a woman?

You're over thinking this. I could tell you of stories of how men love to be humiliated but I think that would hurt your fragile mind to other experience's.

Helloworlditsmeagain · 30/04/2025 21:44

Tandora · 30/04/2025 21:41

Why isn’t someone allowed to compare misogyny to racism? Why do you think one is more acceptable/ excusable than the other?

It's insulting to bring this scenario into racism.

Tandora · 30/04/2025 21:45

BankHolidayBonanza · 30/04/2025 21:42

Where did you see he "sexually humiliated" a woman?

He embarrassed himself, he was inappropriate, but good grief the over-reaction is something else. Hardly surprising on MN, but at least the majority on this thread is showing common sense.

Where did you see he "sexually humiliated" a woman?

Are you serious? You don’t think it’s an act of sexual humiliation to tell a woman you barely know that you want to bend her over a desk? I’m actually incredulous at people’s attitudes here.

Tandora · 30/04/2025 21:46

Helloworlditsmeagain · 30/04/2025 21:44

It's insulting to bring this scenario into racism.

why? Why do you think misogyny/ sexism isn’t as bad as racism ? Why does your DP think this?

HuffleMyPuffle · 30/04/2025 21:46

HRTQueen · 30/04/2025 21:37

His misogynistic views will not be hidden

they always give their views away in some way or another like racists do

I would rather he wasn’t teaching

It's not misogynistic to fancy someone!

And I can guarantee plenty of people working with children will have sexual fantasies. Sometimes about people to do with that world

It does not mean they can't behaviour appropriately around children

Helloworlditsmeagain · 30/04/2025 21:46

Tandora · 30/04/2025 21:46

why? Why do you think misogyny/ sexism isn’t as bad as racism ? Why does your DP think this?

Edited

To who you it is to me I disagree.

Helloworlditsmeagain · 30/04/2025 21:48

Tandora · 30/04/2025 21:46

why? Why do you think misogyny/ sexism isn’t as bad as racism ? Why does your DP think this?

Edited

He was in a nightclub drunk what do you expect in a nightclub a proper chat up line?

sandrafarringdon66 · 30/04/2025 21:48

SuperTrooper14 · 30/04/2025 18:09

Pray tell – how exactly does him being a drunken twat for a few seconds in a bar impact his ability to teach children?

I find his behaviour incredibly unprofessional, he may be able to be around kids but he's not able to be around their parents (which is part of his job I'm afraid), His behaviours towards mothers of his students is completely innapropiate. A little bit like bumping into your dentist in a pub and him informing you how much he was fantasising about sticking his cock into your month last time you were there sitting in his chair having a root canal. This man should not be teaching or attending parents meetings.

HRTQueen · 30/04/2025 21:49

Helloworlditsmeagain · 30/04/2025 21:39

This is going to far I told my partner about this thread who is by the way a black Anglo Jamaican man and he rolled his eyes. Not an appropriate argument to have.

Really

So you partner doesn’t pick up on racist attitudes without it being a explicitly said well maybe he doesn’t

the point was quite clear it wasn’t about sexism v racism and what is worse

sorry if that’s too complicated for you to work out

HuffleMyPuffle · 30/04/2025 21:49

HRTQueen · 30/04/2025 21:42

Because we live in a misogynistic world

I have not said women don’t make such remark but men are not hassled like women they are not sexualised from being children so I am not going to make the point on this thread what about the men

I don’t tend to confront men who have been drinking myself .. I don’t feel it’s safe to and if a man makes such comments (without invitation) he has already told you that he has no respect for you and your boundaries so it’s not always safe to confront him

Bullshit

Women make disgusting sexual comments about men all the time

They touch and grope them when drunk

There are literally threads on MN which are basically thirst threads about celebrities they fancy

Tricho · 30/04/2025 21:51

What does success look like for you here OP?

What turn of events would make you think yes I can let this rest now.

Nothing wooly like "i want the school to take it seriously" - be prescriptive

RealEagle · 30/04/2025 21:51

People are very angry on this thread ,take a chill pill and move onto the sex board there much more fun over there😭

HuffleMyPuffle · 30/04/2025 21:52

Tandora · 30/04/2025 21:45

Where did you see he "sexually humiliated" a woman?

Are you serious? You don’t think it’s an act of sexual humiliation to tell a woman you barely know that you want to bend her over a desk? I’m actually incredulous at people’s attitudes here.

No

I think it's a drunk, dumb, sleazy comment he probably thought was a compliment made in private in an environment where such comments might happen

He didn't:
Touch her
Try and expose her
Share intimate photos of her
Share on SM intimate details of her actions in bed
Stand on a table and tell everyone what he wanted to do to her
Call her a whore

All of which are sexual humiliation

Helloworlditsmeagain · 30/04/2025 21:52

HRTQueen · 30/04/2025 21:49

Really

So you partner doesn’t pick up on racist attitudes without it being a explicitly said well maybe he doesn’t

the point was quite clear it wasn’t about sexism v racism and what is worse

sorry if that’s too complicated for you to work out

Dear me you are confusing racism with a drunken night in a nightclub. He said one sleazy comment in a nightclub and now all men must be held accoutable?

Tandora · 30/04/2025 21:53

Helloworlditsmeagain · 30/04/2025 21:48

He was in a nightclub drunk what do you expect in a nightclub a proper chat up line?

so gross. Just because a woman is out enjoying herself doesn’t mean she is “asking for it”.

HuffleMyPuffle · 30/04/2025 21:53

sandrafarringdon66 · 30/04/2025 21:48

I find his behaviour incredibly unprofessional, he may be able to be around kids but he's not able to be around their parents (which is part of his job I'm afraid), His behaviours towards mothers of his students is completely innapropiate. A little bit like bumping into your dentist in a pub and him informing you how much he was fantasising about sticking his cock into your month last time you were there sitting in his chair having a root canal. This man should not be teaching or attending parents meetings.

Ex parent

Someone he does not see any more

Helloworlditsmeagain · 30/04/2025 21:54

Tandora · 30/04/2025 21:53

so gross. Just because a woman is out enjoying herself doesn’t mean she is “asking for it”.

She walked away and he didn't pursue her. It ended as quickly as it started.

HuffleMyPuffle · 30/04/2025 21:54

Tandora · 30/04/2025 21:53

so gross. Just because a woman is out enjoying herself doesn’t mean she is “asking for it”.

And she shut him down and he left it

Tandora · 30/04/2025 21:56

Helloworlditsmeagain · 30/04/2025 21:52

Dear me you are confusing racism with a drunken night in a nightclub. He said one sleazy comment in a nightclub and now all men must be held accoutable?

https://inside.southernct.edu/sexual-misconduct/facts

Rape culture is perpetuated through the use of misogynistic language, the objectification of women’s bodies, and the glamorization of sexual violence, thereby creating a society that disregards women’s rights and safety.
Examples of Rape Culture

  • Blaming the victim (“She asked for it!”)
  • Trivializing sexual assault (“Boys will be boys!”)
  • Sexually explicit jokes
  • Tolerance of sexual harrassment….

Rape Culture, Victim Blaming, And The Facts | Southern Connecticut State University

What is Rape Culture? Rape Culture is an environment in which rape is prevalent and in which sexual violence is normalized and excused in the media and popular culture. Rape culture is perpetuated through the use of misogynistic language, the objectifi...

https://inside.southernct.edu/sexual-misconduct/facts

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