Disgusted by school’s response to complaint about pervy teacher

[SophEll]

I had a night out a few weeks ago with a friend. In a bar, we were approached by a man (who had a male friend with him) who started talking to us. He seemed quite drunk, but explained he recognised me from past parents evenings. At this point, I realised who he was - he taught one of my DC at their old school (they’ve since left). Out of nowhere, he said to me ‘I always used to imagine what it would have been like to bend you over that desk’. I was speechless, my friend said ‘excuse me’ and he replied ‘joking obviously’ and we walked off. My friend couldn’t believe what we had heard.

The following Monday, I checked the schools website which confirmed he was still teaching there. I followed the complaints procedure on their website and got a fairly blunt reply which was along the lines of, ‘sorry but as this happened outside of school and at a non school event, we are unable to review your complaint’. I challenged this - said surely it’s of interest to them and again they replied and also said it is outside of the remit for the DfE, and that they’d file any further correspondence from me without responding.

I was furious, as someone like that should not be teaching children in my view. Another friend says they think I can complain straight to Ofsted and they should take it seriously. I’ve also considered writing to my local paper about the schools dismissive response.

My DH thinks I need to drop it and that I’m just stressing myself out by taking it further - he thinks he will just deny the comment and that will be that, but he’ll be suitably embarrassed not to say something like that again.

AIBU to pursue this?

She shouldn't be saying that she's not very good at her job if she's monitoring what her staff gets up to at a nightclub.

Are there any circumstances where telling a virtual stranger that you want to “bend them over a desk” is OK?

I can 100% guarantee that whatever action the op takes… we will get no update

why? Because there will be nothing to update as nothing remotely will have come of this aside from the op wasting the school’s time

Conduct doesn’t need to be illegal to be grossly unprofessional! Yes they weren’t in a school setting at the time he said this- but their relationship was through that professional setting and he used that contact with her as an abuse of power. I don’t think he should lose his job, but absolutely shocking that people don’t think he should be given some sort of talking to / warning about how he represents himself outside school to school parents

It was a clumsy attempt at sexy banter. He'd definitely not assessed the situation properly to see that it was unwelcome banter.

He was riffing on a fantasy. He might not have even thought that exactly at the time of the parents evening but was trying to flatter the OP into flirting back.

It's totally relevant that he was telling her in a bar - he was trying for a one-night stand. Presumably thought he could 50-shades of grey her into a hook up.

He's an idiot for not establishing that the OP was single or in an open marriage etc. Maybe that was the drink, maybe he's just crass.

"warning about how he represents himself outside school to school parents"

Which would be totally relevant if she was a school parent.

but she isn't...

"he used that contact with her as an abuse of power"
No, he didn't.

I've actually said twice now that he should be spoken to unofficially.

I think you probably need to find a hobby or something.

I didn’t realise that becoming a teacher meant you could never go out with friends and overdo it and say or do things to or with an adult you might regret later. I know people like to think teaching is a vocation, like the priesthood. It really isn’t.

And he probably has been, but the OP would never know.

He was in a bar/nightclub with the other freaks of the night. If he said it in the classroom that he wants to bend her over the table right now and bang her brains out that would be different. Thats not the case here they were all out getting their freak on.

He made totally a totally unsolicited / unconsensual sexually dominating/ humiliating / misogynistic remark to her. Someone he never met outside of being a parent at the school. Shocking that you think this doesn’t warrant a professional warning.

Really? - if you look up the legal definition of harassment - this does not come close. I don't see people 'defending his behaviour'. I see a common sense approach to the situation, but it seems that the WI brigade are out in force tonight.

If you are having a sexy flirt and both participating in it - why not. It's just a way of having sex.

OP was clearly not interested but we didn't hear the conversation that preceded the remark. This guy was drunk according to the OP so he's misconstrued where the conversation was leading. Although not drunk enough to immediately realise he'd overstepped.

The school disagrees

But he wasn’t was he. He just said that as a “funny” quip to get talking/flirting with her because he was drunk.

Unfortunately for him, he picked the wrong woman.

You don’t think it’s harassment for a stranger man to come up to you and appropro of nothing say he wants to bend you over a desk?

I truly do not understand women on this thread .

I imagine the majority of posters have experienced much worse than this.
65% of women experience sexual violence, once you add in actual harassment (which is a pattern of behaviour not a once off remark) that's a huge majority of women.

I wouldn't like what he said either, but he hasn't done anything illegal, and he wasn't at work.
I actually think it would be more appropriate to message his partner than report to his employer.

Yes and that’s the problem.

Telling someone that when you were interacting with them parent to teacher about your child, they were just thinking about screwing you right then and there is fucking disgusting. Sleezy bastard.

Have you tried to contact his mum too OP she might tell him off for you.

Oh, ffs. Seriously, @SophEll? This is what gets your panties in a twist?

It’s shit like this that then means actual sexual harassment, assault and abuse gets minimised.

Dude, while drunk, thought he’d try his luck with a person he no longer has any professional connection with, and leaves her alone when she knocks him back.

That person tries to destroy his entire life.

And yes, OP - had plenty of drunken, leery attempts to get me into bed from idiots like that, and far, far worse. If he’d actually harassed you or you had to sit opposite him on parents evening next week, I’d get it. But this is just…lame.

"You don’t think it’s harassment for a man you don’t know to come up to you and appropro of nothing say he wants to bend you over a desk?"

1. Pp didn't say this. They said it's not the LEGAL definition of harassment.

2)The op did know the man.

3. He apparently said he had thought about it. Probably hoped it would lead somewhere.

He didn't repeat it /double down / continue when the op was offended.

He was offensive but it's not harassment however much you and the op want it to be...

Given how impassioned and determined you are about this OP, I imagine relations between you and your DH are a little
frosty given his stance (stop the drama) on it ?