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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disgusted by school’s response to complaint about pervy teacher

1000 replies

SophEll · 30/04/2025 13:43

I had a night out a few weeks ago with a friend. In a bar, we were approached by a man (who had a male friend with him) who started talking to us. He seemed quite drunk, but explained he recognised me from past parents evenings. At this point, I realised who he was - he taught one of my DC at their old school (they’ve since left). Out of nowhere, he said to me ‘I always used to imagine what it would have been like to bend you over that desk’. I was speechless, my friend said ‘excuse me’ and he replied ‘joking obviously’ and we walked off. My friend couldn’t believe what we had heard.

The following Monday, I checked the schools website which confirmed he was still teaching there. I followed the complaints procedure on their website and got a fairly blunt reply which was along the lines of, ‘sorry but as this happened outside of school and at a non school event, we are unable to review your complaint’. I challenged this - said surely it’s of interest to them and again they replied and also said it is outside of the remit for the DfE, and that they’d file any further correspondence from me without responding.

I was furious, as someone like that should not be teaching children in my view. Another friend says they think I can complain straight to Ofsted and they should take it seriously. I’ve also considered writing to my local paper about the schools dismissive response.

My DH thinks I need to drop it and that I’m just stressing myself out by taking it further - he thinks he will just deny the comment and that will be that, but he’ll be suitably embarrassed not to say something like that again.

AIBU to pursue this?

OP posts:
StayingAnonForThis · 30/04/2025 18:14

SallyWD · 30/04/2025 18:12

I thought you were going to say he'd been pervy or inappropriate with a child! No. A teachers gets drunk and makes a lewd remark to a grown adult. Absolutely not a matter for the school. I can't believe you were going to call the local paper!!

Mad isn't it!!

ShadowTheHedgehog · 30/04/2025 18:16

The school would probably take the complaint seriously if it happened at school and was said to a pupil or another member of staff.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/04/2025 18:16

I have no sympathy for the creep whatsoever.

BUT - they wouldn't be able to fire him for it. He didn't say or do anything illegal, just deeply loathsome. His union rep would absolutely ensure that any attempt to even investigate this, much less suspend or terminate his contract ,fell apart within the first ten seconds.

It might be that they would love him to fuck off and never darken Reception ever again - but this is not in any shape of form going to achieve it, no matter how many times you contact them about it.

StayingAnonForThis · 30/04/2025 18:16

BankHolidayBonanza · 30/04/2025 18:04

the teacher, or the OP's husband? 😂

I feel sorry for both!

Calamitousness · 30/04/2025 18:18

@SophEll while I agree that teachers have to uphold standards required by their registering body. I think your complaint would be best addressed via them not the school.
Im not sure that it will be successful without evidence as I’m sure he will say something like he rejected your advances and would imagine his friend would corroborate like your friend will for you. With no impartial 3rd party and being in a bar, it makes the situation harder to evidence. But if you feel that strongly then you could try but I agree with your husband that they would not be able to enforce any punitive action due to insufficient evidence etc therefore it will be a slog to endure with little outcome. I do of course believe you and I do think it was a horrible thing to say. But I would probably shrug it off and not think that it affected his school work life in any way.

HunnyPot · 30/04/2025 18:18

Fucking hell! Imagine if everyone’s employer got an email complaining about their drunk behaviour at the weekend.

I’m more embarrassed for the OP than the poor guy.

SophEll · 30/04/2025 18:19

Didimum · 30/04/2025 17:52

I completely agree this is poor conduct from the teacher. Telling an alumni’s parent, unsolicited, that they imagined bending them over a desk at school. Grim and very poor conduct.

How it will be judged is another matter. Gov.uk states:

Misconduct outside of the education setting will be considered relevant only if the conduct displayed is of a serious nature and would likely have a negative impact on the public's perception of the individual as a teacher, therefore bringing the teaching profession into disrepute.

I would argue it’s not ‘serious’, but I would say it would negatively impact perception of the teacher.

Sorry, but if you are in public service you have a standard to uphold at all times, and this is not it.

Thank you - I’ll quote that in my email later. I’ve found a couple of other bits of relevant legislation which I’m also going to point out and copy the relevant extracts.

OP posts:
mommatoone · 30/04/2025 18:19

Who on earth would be a teacher nowadays?! You've got some unruly,disrespectful children who are enabled by incompetent parents making teachers lives a misery.

Then this- a pissed up bloke (who happens to be an teacher of ops daughter) who probably regretted what he said when he sobered up.
OP- get a grip!

Disclaimer- I'm not a teacher, nor I'm not 'sticking up for shit men' . But this thread is going batshit.

Walkden · 30/04/2025 18:21

"public's perception"

The "public" in this case presumably being op and her mate.....

Get a grip.

StayingAnonForThis · 30/04/2025 18:21

SophEll · 30/04/2025 18:19

Thank you - I’ll quote that in my email later. I’ve found a couple of other bits of relevant legislation which I’m also going to point out and copy the relevant extracts.

Wow SophEll! You really are on a mission. Poor bloke.

Tandora · 30/04/2025 18:21

RhaenysRocks · 30/04/2025 14:00

Oh come on ..you were in a bar on a night out. Do we really want to live in a world where no-one will ever approach, flirt, attempt a "chat up" line? Were you traumatised? Did he persist, following you around and pestering you or take the hint?

As to him referencing a school event he's just using that as an "in" as that's where he knows you from. It really is nothing to do with the school.

What?! That’s not a “chat up line”. It’s harassment- designed to assert dominance and humiliate. . Can’t believe so many women are defending this behaviour. Disgusting.

popdepop · 30/04/2025 18:22

publics perception, doubt most people would give a s&%t 😂 as per percentage on this threat who think YABU

Hallamlass · 30/04/2025 18:23

145699V · 30/04/2025 18:10

You won’t get anywhere OP. In my son’s previous school, two married teachers were conducting an affair on school grounds, and even that was disregarded and ignored. I do think teachers should have a strong moral code and I don’t think it is old fashioned to think so!

Whose moral code would that be?
Oliver Cromwell's?
So, 2 consenting adults had a sexual relationship. Were they shagging in the corridor?

Hallamlass · 30/04/2025 18:24

I didn't realise teachers had to have such a high moral code when out and about. It's a mystery why teacher recruitment and retention is so bad 🙄

Bumdrops · 30/04/2025 18:24

Omg. Leave the bloke alone !
you are going to email the governors !!
he said one sleazy line and walked away …
you are completely OTT !!!
let it go !!
use all that embitteredness and stubbornness to fight a worthy cause … surely there must be something in your area ? Littering / speeding ??

TheignT · 30/04/2025 18:24

Newbutoldfather · 30/04/2025 17:25

As an ex teacher, that behaviour would have been career ending for me.

I don’t know how 90% of people can think YABU!

Both my schools had a policy of not befriending parents (let alone asking them to bend over a desk!).

From the teacher’s perspective it was a connection made through the school, so his behaviour was totally unacceptable and, I am prepared to bet, breaking his contract.

I would just keep escalating through the complaint procedure until it was taken seriously.

So the not befriending parents went on for life? So as say a 25 year old you taught someone's child and you bumped into them 20 years later and you couldn't befriend them? That is madness. The OP isn't a parent at the school, her child is no longer at the school.

Hallamlass · 30/04/2025 18:24

Tandora · 30/04/2025 18:21

What?! That’s not a “chat up line”. It’s harassment- designed to assert dominance and humiliate. . Can’t believe so many women are defending this behaviour. Disgusting.

It's not defending his behaviour, it's saying he shouldn't lose his teaching job over it. There is a difference.

DayHighlight · 30/04/2025 18:25

CurlewKate · 30/04/2025 15:42

You know, there are some people who think Mumsnet as a group hate men.

Many women here have a very very low bar. I usually assume they don’t have good male role models in their life.

SophEll · 30/04/2025 18:25

All - I appreciate the wide range of views. However, please read all of my posts as you’ll see that it’s not a witch hunt against the individual, but at the incompetence/arrogance of the school at responding to my complaint.

For those saying I should have been complimented - give over! I don’t need some drunk sleazeball to give me any confidence, I’ve a long term DH and have never had any issues in that department thank you very much!

OP posts:
Strictly1 · 30/04/2025 18:25

SophEll · 30/04/2025 15:42

How am I trying to destroy his life? That’s a bizarre comment to make.

I want the school to properly acknowledge my complaint, assure me it will be taken seriously and then we can all move on. I don’t expect to be told the outcome of an internal investigation. Their dismissive response was frankly unacceptable.

You said you would start telling people about it - that’s hardly a nice thing to do is it. You’ve made your point - move on.

CaptainMyCaptain · 30/04/2025 18:25

turningpoints · 30/04/2025 16:19

If a child in a school receives a complaint from the public, they just ignore it then?

No wonder behaviour in schools is going rapidly downhill into a cesspit.

If it happened out of school, of course.

Hallamlass · 30/04/2025 18:26

SophEll · 30/04/2025 18:25

All - I appreciate the wide range of views. However, please read all of my posts as you’ll see that it’s not a witch hunt against the individual, but at the incompetence/arrogance of the school at responding to my complaint.

For those saying I should have been complimented - give over! I don’t need some drunk sleazeball to give me any confidence, I’ve a long term DH and have never had any issues in that department thank you very much!

What would you like the school to do?

SophEll · 30/04/2025 18:27

Hallamlass · 30/04/2025 18:26

What would you like the school to do?

I’ve said in a previous post.

OP posts:
Lavenderflower · 30/04/2025 18:28

I don't think you are being unreasonable however I can understand the schools didn't investigate. Certain professional are required to uphold certain behaviours and could lose the license to practice in they engage in certain conduct - however the best place is for their registered body to investigate. I doubt if they will do anything. I work in health care - I met people who are allowed to work despite being given warning by their body for domestic violence etc

midlifeattheoasis · 30/04/2025 18:28

@SophEll You are sounding more unhinged by the minute

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