Disgusted by school’s response to complaint about pervy teacher

[SophEll]

I had a night out a few weeks ago with a friend. In a bar, we were approached by a man (who had a male friend with him) who started talking to us. He seemed quite drunk, but explained he recognised me from past parents evenings. At this point, I realised who he was - he taught one of my DC at their old school (they’ve since left). Out of nowhere, he said to me ‘I always used to imagine what it would have been like to bend you over that desk’. I was speechless, my friend said ‘excuse me’ and he replied ‘joking obviously’ and we walked off. My friend couldn’t believe what we had heard.

The following Monday, I checked the schools website which confirmed he was still teaching there. I followed the complaints procedure on their website and got a fairly blunt reply which was along the lines of, ‘sorry but as this happened outside of school and at a non school event, we are unable to review your complaint’. I challenged this - said surely it’s of interest to them and again they replied and also said it is outside of the remit for the DfE, and that they’d file any further correspondence from me without responding.

I was furious, as someone like that should not be teaching children in my view. Another friend says they think I can complain straight to Ofsted and they should take it seriously. I’ve also considered writing to my local paper about the schools dismissive response.

My DH thinks I need to drop it and that I’m just stressing myself out by taking it further - he thinks he will just deny the comment and that will be that, but he’ll be suitably embarrassed not to say something like that again.

AIBU to pursue this?

They won’t have a word. It’s hearsay from a conversation in a place where there’s alcohol.

I feel very sorry for those young teachers. What a nasty thing for that parent to do. What possible harm were they doing? I doubt their behaviour would have traumatised any of the pupils.

Nasty of the school to actually do a disciplinary over nothing. How dare teachers have fun in public?!

How would you feel if he lost his job and couldn't get another one ?
If he was teaching your children currently then it would be a very stupid thing to say to a parent .
It was a gross thing to say but some women would not be bothered by that comment and secretly flattered.

OK gals, sorry the men in your life are so disgusting you think it's normal for men to go and say disgusting graphic things to women when they're drunk,
Sorry you're all A OK with perverted weirdos teaching your kids and that you think that just because something isn't illegal it must be fine ethically
I never said it was illegal I said it was sexual harassment which it is!!

I think ‘go through this at the hands of a teacher’ is a complete over reaction. Jesus, he didn’t assault you, you surely aren’t claiming you’ve been traumatised but a drunken, sleazy comment and that he deserves to lose his job

OP doesn't even have kids in the school anymore!! Wtf. @SophEll you sound really vindictive. I really don't get your motivation here. You need to learn how to deal with real life situations and respond appropriately when a drunk pervy man makes a comment in a pub, and not go telling tales like a child. In fact i wonder what your employer would think if they knew that you were spending time online (possibly during working hours) looking for advice on how best to cause trouble for the hell of it, would it be OK if i let them know what you are up to?

This. Your behaviour is more concerning than his.

These kinds of post is make me laugh, you think you're oh so superior because obviously no on you'd mix with would behave like that, whilst at the same time blaming women for the behaviour they experience.

There's nothing to suggest that he's even a tiny bit like this in the classroom.

I don't know what kind of school this is - primary or secondary, independent or state?

My kids went to independent schools and I'm trying to imagine how they would react in this scenario. I don't think the complaint would have just been dismissed out of hand because in those schools, reputation is everything and it's so easy for any parent to take to Instagram or Twitter.

This scenario is NOT the same as a random loser in a pub making a lewd comment. It is somebody who had identified himself as her child's previous teacher. Who she had sat in parent's evenings with, discussing her child. Who is now telling her what was actually on his mind during those meetings. It's very offensive and totally out of order.

Like it or not, there are some professions for which we need to be able to rely on a basic set of standards, integrity and professionalism. Supposing you were engaged with the police about something relating to your child, or a social worker or a therapist? Only to bump into them afterwards and have them tell you all the while they were thinking about bending you over their desk?

So this scenario is NOT the same as a random dickhead you never met before saying such a thing. Or even a colleague. It's someone she knew in a professional capacity related to her child - and he was fully aware of this too. That is what would make this offensive. And being drunk is no excuse. You are either the type of man to say that sort of thing, or you are not.

One good thing about this thread is proof positive that the “Mumsnet hates men” trope is pure bullshit. On the contrary, 90% of Mumsnet enables shit men.

Wait when did I blame her?? I'm on her side!
And no I wouldn't shag a man who said that to me LOL
If that makes me superior then call me her majesty because that's so gross!

Here we go again from a self-professed mother of 5, telling us that some women would be flattered. What is wrong with you people?!

I think you might have missed the point of this. There's no evidence that he said anything to you. There's no evidence that it didn't come about exactly the way that this poster says that it did. There isn't really anything that his employer can do because there's no proof that anything happened at all.

I would certainly not expect to be reprimanded by my employer because some random person called and said that I said something to them if there was no evidence it happened.

I would probably be really pissed off and disgusted but as it's two adults in a bar then I don't think there is anything you can do about it really. He could easily say that you said something first, he could say anything about you to vindicate himself, he could say you threw yourself at him in the toilets or flashed your tits at him etc. If you go to the papers, they might ask him for his comments and what if it ended up as the story switched on you, and that ended up in print. I think you should leave it tbh.

Out of school hours and you’re an adult not a pupil! Gross and pervy yes but not illegal and nothing to do with the school

‘I was furious, as someone like that should not be teaching children in my view. Another friend says they think I can complain straight to Ofsted and they should take it seriously. I’ve also considered writing to my local paper about the schools dismissive response.’

I don’t even know where to start with this level of nonsense.

It’s his word against yours (and your friend) after a number of drinks. How on earth are school, governors or OFSTED (I mean jeez) supposed to ‘investigate’ that?

And of course his comment was grim but really, how on earth does anyone carry out an investigation?!

There's a difference between enabling and trying to get the guy fired and end his career.

Hardly anyone has said his comment was ok. It's not. It's disgusting. But the appropriate action would be to call him out on it then and there. Not running off to tell the head teacher on him.

This is the most depressing thread I’ve read here in a long time.

no one is enabling anyone. He behaved very badly. The OP had a 30 second interaction with a person who embarrassed himself briefly. He may be lovely in real life and this was out of character, he might not be. He might be a great teacher, he might not be. Who knows? But there is absolutely no evidence that this wasn’t just a momentary drunken incident that caused no harm to the OP. I am sure he is mortified about it (if he remembers it!)

sometimes you have to let things go and give people the benefit of the doubt. I genuinely can’t imagine trying to ruin his life over it, make him lose his job, ruin his teaching career.

Hopefully he’ll never drink again!

he is a creep.

I completely agree this is poor conduct from the teacher. Telling an alumni’s parent, unsolicited, that they imagined bending them over a desk at school. Grim and very poor conduct.

How it will be judged is another matter. Gov.uk states:

Misconduct outside of the education setting will be considered relevant only if the conduct displayed is of a serious nature and would likely have a negative impact on the public's perception of the individual as a teacher, therefore bringing the teaching profession into disrepute.

I would argue it’s not ‘serious’, but I would say it would negatively impact perception of the teacher.

Sorry, but if you are in public service you have a standard to uphold at all times, and this is not it.

Your behaviour is more concerning than his.

Absolutely. Totally disproportionate. I cannot imagine relentlessly trying to get a person sacked for a passing, twatty comment they made while drunk which was not illegal, not followed up and did not lead to anything further. It's batshit.

I've been a teacher for thirty years. I've been around a few incidents of this nature. An unofficial quiet word has most certainly been the approach in most cases..the exception was a female teacher who shagged an 18 yo school leaver in a car park on his last day. She was sacked!

This. ⬆️ Be reasonable. How on earth is there any connection to how well he does his job?