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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Disgusted by school’s response to complaint about pervy teacher

1000 replies

SophEll · 30/04/2025 13:43

I had a night out a few weeks ago with a friend. In a bar, we were approached by a man (who had a male friend with him) who started talking to us. He seemed quite drunk, but explained he recognised me from past parents evenings. At this point, I realised who he was - he taught one of my DC at their old school (they’ve since left). Out of nowhere, he said to me ‘I always used to imagine what it would have been like to bend you over that desk’. I was speechless, my friend said ‘excuse me’ and he replied ‘joking obviously’ and we walked off. My friend couldn’t believe what we had heard.

The following Monday, I checked the schools website which confirmed he was still teaching there. I followed the complaints procedure on their website and got a fairly blunt reply which was along the lines of, ‘sorry but as this happened outside of school and at a non school event, we are unable to review your complaint’. I challenged this - said surely it’s of interest to them and again they replied and also said it is outside of the remit for the DfE, and that they’d file any further correspondence from me without responding.

I was furious, as someone like that should not be teaching children in my view. Another friend says they think I can complain straight to Ofsted and they should take it seriously. I’ve also considered writing to my local paper about the schools dismissive response.

My DH thinks I need to drop it and that I’m just stressing myself out by taking it further - he thinks he will just deny the comment and that will be that, but he’ll be suitably embarrassed not to say something like that again.

AIBU to pursue this?

OP posts:
LeaderBee · 30/04/2025 15:48

SophEll · 30/04/2025 15:47

Thank you, I have found an email for the chair of governors so will be exploring that route first.

Good grief, you're probably doing more damage to yourself ruminating on this than you ever got from his drunken, misguided comment and moving on.

Tiswa · 30/04/2025 15:49

SophEll · 30/04/2025 15:44

Yes, that absolutely isn’t some thing I’d ever do, a silly suggestion. It isn’t about shaming the teacher, it’s about schools taking complaints seriously.

So you are now angry at the school that they have said that it isn’t within their remit anymore

OP for your own sake let this anger go - I can’t believe it’s the first time you have come across such male behaviour and it won’t be the last.

any writing of reviews, posting pictures of him isn’t going to end well either

you have complained to the school and received a response that is all you can do apart from move on

StayingAnonForThis · 30/04/2025 15:49

SophEll · 30/04/2025 15:47

Thank you, I have found an email for the chair of governors so will be exploring that route first.

Are you serious? Just drop it. Poor guy. He's an adult. He made a stupid comment to another adult when drunk in a setting absolutely nothing to do with the school.

I think you r crazy. He may very well turn this around on you and claim you have an alcohol problem or something and social services should be involved. Just leave it.

momtoboys · 30/04/2025 15:49

Good lord. He is a sleazy, drunk adult talking to another uninterested adult. Let it go.

justasking111 · 30/04/2025 15:49

Divorced teacher at my son's old school. A group of past mum's on a night out saw her trying to pull men in the pub later we saw her sitting on the stairs legs akimbo sans knickers for all to see. Pretty grim but she wasn't on school property.

RedOrangeSky · 30/04/2025 15:50

MargoLivebetter · 30/04/2025 14:43

@RedOrangeSky really? You honestly think that we should start tracking down people's employers now if they say something that offends us? I think this is a dangerous path to go down.

Not always no.

But the context here about how the op knew him is relevant. She didn't need to track him down.

turningpoints · 30/04/2025 15:50

Sweaterbag · 30/04/2025 15:38

I guarantee that line has worked for him on more than one occasion 🤣 You're nothing special OP.

Did you learn that in the Incel Handbook?

MrsKeats · 30/04/2025 15:51

SophEll · 30/04/2025 15:07

Thanks to the poster who suggested the school governors. They aren’t referenced in the complaints procedure on the website but I’m sure they’d be interested to learn of the dismissive and rude response so I will explore that avenue this evening.

You can’t be serious, your kids aren’t even in his school.

Whippetlovely · 30/04/2025 15:51

You've humiliated him to his workplace I think that's enough of a repurcussion for a silly drunken comment.

emmatherhino · 30/04/2025 15:51

He's a bit sleazy, but he's allowed a life outside of school. Contacting the school is ridiculous. It's nothing to do with them

2024onwardsandup · 30/04/2025 15:52

StayingAnonForThis · 30/04/2025 15:49

Are you serious? Just drop it. Poor guy. He's an adult. He made a stupid comment to another adult when drunk in a setting absolutely nothing to do with the school.

I think you r crazy. He may very well turn this around on you and claim you have an alcohol problem or something and social services should be involved. Just leave it.

The comment was about his approach to the OP WHILE HE WAS AT THE SCHOOL IN HIS CAPACITY AS A TEACHER

Upinthetreetops · 30/04/2025 15:53

SophEll · 30/04/2025 15:42

How am I trying to destroy his life? That’s a bizarre comment to make.

I want the school to properly acknowledge my complaint, assure me it will be taken seriously and then we can all move on. I don’t expect to be told the outcome of an internal investigation. Their dismissive response was frankly unacceptable.

Why would the school have any interest in taking it seriously?

If you got ticked off with someone in a carpark for example, and said something rude, disgusting, and a bit OTT to them.. would you expect your employers to take it seriously and launch an internal investigation if they complained? Same principles. Nothing illegal happened. It wasn't a nice comment but that's all.

CantStopMoving · 30/04/2025 15:53

SophEll · 30/04/2025 15:42

How am I trying to destroy his life? That’s a bizarre comment to make.

I want the school to properly acknowledge my complaint, assure me it will be taken seriously and then we can all move on. I don’t expect to be told the outcome of an internal investigation. Their dismissive response was frankly unacceptable.

you want him to be humiliated in front of his collegues, his boss and the governors.

You know something like this will spread around the school gossip mill. It’s the sort of thing that spreads around the teachers and gets passed hush hush to the parents in about 1 day.

momtoboys · 30/04/2025 15:53

"I don’t have DC at this school anymore. If me pursuing this helps ensure no other person has to go through this at the hands of that teacher then it will be worthwhile me pursuing it."

Are you kidding me? You don't even have a child at the school? You have too much time on your hands. You only posted because you thought everyone would agree with you and now that so few people do agree with you, you are going to make a fool of yourself.

Canterranter · 30/04/2025 15:53

SophEll · 30/04/2025 15:07

Thanks to the poster who suggested the school governors. They aren’t referenced in the complaints procedure on the website but I’m sure they’d be interested to learn of the dismissive and rude response so I will explore that avenue this evening.

Deleted as I've just seen that Op is no longer a parent at the school.

StayingAnonForThis · 30/04/2025 15:53

SophEll · 30/04/2025 15:42

How am I trying to destroy his life? That’s a bizarre comment to make.

I want the school to properly acknowledge my complaint, assure me it will be taken seriously and then we can all move on. I don’t expect to be told the outcome of an internal investigation. Their dismissive response was frankly unacceptable.

If you go on an on and on about it and they eventually carry out an "internal investigation" it will be the school saying to the teacher - "if you must use crap chat up lines in the future when od, please check the person you are speaking to isn't a parent of a current or ex pupil or a Karen" and that will be that. What else are you expecting? A full investigation with report and findings and recommendations? U r mad!

MargoLivebetter · 30/04/2025 15:54

RedOrangeSky · 30/04/2025 15:50

Not always no.

But the context here about how the op knew him is relevant. She didn't need to track him down.

In the OPs original post she says she went to the school website to see if he still worked there. If that isn't tracking him down, I don't know what is!

WomenInSTEM · 30/04/2025 15:54

In a previous post you mentioned going to the media about it. What do you think will happen? What will happen to the teacher? I agree with a pp that you're verging on harassment with some of the things you're suggesting.

I agree that he was sleazy but come on, it was in a pub, nothing to do with school, you're an adult. He didn't follow you or continue to say anything. You don't even have a child at that school anymore!

Are teachers not allowed a life? Not allowed to go out, get drunk, chat people up, have sex, have a one night stand? Not allowed to switch off and have fun on a Saturday night?

I'm glad no one told me any of these things when I was a primary school teacher in my 20s and early 30s. I got up to all sorts of shenanigans at weekends, including getting very drunk and sleeping with a colleague. 😆

turningpoints · 30/04/2025 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HelpMeHelpTheKids · 30/04/2025 15:56

ZeusandClio · 30/04/2025 14:47

Good grief, I can't believe that people have this attitude! It completely goes against section 2 of the teacher's standards. He met this woman through parents' evening, then used that connection to approach her drunk and make a sexually explicit comment. This is unprofessional and does not "demonstrate consistently high standards of personal and professional conduct[..] within and outside school". By identifying himself as a staff member at his school, he has brought the reputation of the school into disrepute and the school will absolutely want to know about it to remind him of his professional obligations and expected standards of behaviour. I am shocked that people don't know that that behaviour is not acceptable in a professional who is supposed to act as a role model to young people. Definitely report this to the school.

100% this. It’s shockingly unprofessional behaviour.

StayingAnonForThis · 30/04/2025 15:56

2024onwardsandup · 30/04/2025 15:52

The comment was about his approach to the OP WHILE HE WAS AT THE SCHOOL IN HIS CAPACITY AS A TEACHER

But they weren't at the school. They were two adults on a night out. Who cares.

If the OP is so deeply traumatised by one sleazy comment from one man in a pub then I can only assume she's been raised by nuns, went to an all girls school and has lived a life wrapped up in bubble wrap, before finally being allowed out now she's an adult with a teenage child.

She needs to get a little resiliency and move on.

whatdoidonowffs · 30/04/2025 15:56

SophEll · 30/04/2025 15:44

Yes, that absolutely isn’t some thing I’d ever do, a silly suggestion. It isn’t about shaming the teacher, it’s about schools taking complaints seriously.

I’m sure the school take serious complaints seriously
This ? Probably not so much why would they ?

Tiswa · 30/04/2025 15:56

CantStopMoving · 30/04/2025 15:53

you want him to be humiliated in front of his collegues, his boss and the governors.

You know something like this will spread around the school gossip mill. It’s the sort of thing that spreads around the teachers and gets passed hush hush to the parents in about 1 day.

Exactly and could ruin his life.

you made the complaint that is enough. Anything more could either lead to

  1. the governors saying they are passing it to the headteacher
  2. consequences for him at work (which you don’t want)
  3. consequences for you if rumours spread

so I ask again what do you want bexuase it both isn’t clear and also any outcomes will have a negative effect or him/you/both which you don’t want.

actions have consequences you need to weigh up what consequences you want for his action against what could happen with yiu

turningpoints · 30/04/2025 15:57

StayingAnonForThis · 30/04/2025 15:53

If you go on an on and on about it and they eventually carry out an "internal investigation" it will be the school saying to the teacher - "if you must use crap chat up lines in the future when od, please check the person you are speaking to isn't a parent of a current or ex pupil or a Karen" and that will be that. What else are you expecting? A full investigation with report and findings and recommendations? U r mad!

A Karen! Bingo. Have the incels put out a clarion call nationally?

LeaderBee · 30/04/2025 15:57

MrsKeats · 30/04/2025 15:51

You can’t be serious, your kids aren’t even in his school.

Yes, but because he made a drunken pass at an adult outside of school time he is a danger to the kids he teaches...

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