To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

Look again. She’s posted on it 88 times.

That is a ridiculous assumption. We simply don't know the OP's DM's circumstances or the reasons why she has taken on the care of her DF: whether she is unable to get support with his care and is taking it on because she feels she must, or whether she has freely chosen to take it on because she thinks it is what she 'should' do and expects the OP to do the same.

I have already stated upthread that I don't think the DM should be doing this either, having done similar myself I know it is simply too much to expect of a family member. I get support with the care I do; I freely admit I couldn't manage without it. Far better for the family to accept the support and just enjoy quality time with their loved one.

Have you not got better things to do than keep count?

Thank you @Futurehappiness I have been disgusted with the pile on the OP. I have reported many of the posts.

OP is clearly in a difficult situation and many posters on this thread just think she should shut up and do the care without considering her personal situation. They would never give the same advice to men.

If Grandfather is bedbound or needs to be lifted/supported and that needs two people so automatically Op's mother shouldn't be doing it alone!

She’s not dumping care on the daughter though. She’s just asking for help with the bedsheets. Which would also
provide moral support, if the OP showed some solidarity with the mum.

It should be done by trained professionals with the appropriate equipment, to avoid risk of injuries both to the patient and the carers.

This. I find it interesting that it's always women that end up expected to do unpaid professional caring roles.

As has been explained several times on this thread, personal care involves so much more than 'help with the bedsheets'. There are so many ways of providing moral support to loved ones and showing solidarity, which don't involve perpetually cleaning shit.

I’m well aware of what personal care involves. The OPs opening ( and so far only post) states that her mum is asking for help with bedsheets, not with all personal care.

Exactly, this situation isn’t safe, I am left wondering if the step father didn’t want carers in the house and thought his wife could do it all. An occupational therapist needs to come round and assess the living arrangements, they almost certainly need a hospital bed which will be easier to clean and to get in and out of and of course he needs carers.

The OP stated that she asked for help changing his bedsheets as he is doubly incontinent. Of course we don't no for sure what that entails but I am presuming (again from personal experience) that it is extremely draining and involves far more than sticking sheets in the washing machine.

I am not surprised that the OP hasn't been back to post btw. The personal attacks on this thread have been just appalling.

It is unfair that it's put on women, I've been there and cared for my GM at end of life whilst working full time and having 2 young children. It was really tough but I never thought of withdrawing that care because I wouldn't leave her to suffer.

I wonder if your Grandfather feels awkward around your stepdad when it comes to personal care.

He might. We don't know. But while that might stop him helping with the grandfather's intimate care, he could be doing everything else - other housework, laundry, shopping, mowing the lawn, weeding, whatever else goes on in that household.

My experience shows that social services will only provide so much. I'll add that my parents worked hard and were frugal, but finished up in a council house because their flat was bought for very little via compulsory purchase.

When there's no house to sell to pay for care, our local council is very invested in only providing 4 slots of care at home - if you're lucky. (From general comments made by the professional carers, I know that our situation was not unusual for the area.) We used Mum's Attendance Allowance to pay for extra and I added to that.

I also had the experience of the care company refusing to tackle certain tasks or missing care slots.

In my case, I dealt with things or it wasn't done. And yes - I chose to do it. I could have walked away.

I'll clarify about the carers refusing to deal with certain things. Even though they were supposed to provide personal care when required, the carers - understandably - would avoid and sometimes refuse to deal with excrement.

Before anyone jumps on me with disbelief, I can only tell you what our experiences were.

I have done. And would do again if that what was needed.

OP has already changed the sheets twice this week. She is showing solidarity. The mum could ask her sunbathing husband but she chooses her daughter instead.

Women often put the burden on other women instead of men.

Were there no men in the family at all?

I agree @WearyAuldWumman referral to social service/ getting carers in isn’t a panacea, I have worked in the NHS all my life and organised care for my father, people will get better care if a relative is involved. I do take the point though that in this case, involvement of carers could/ should be considered to alleviate the pressure on OPs mum.

@WearyAuldWumman given your user name, are you in Scotland?

Just to say that, there, I've found social services incredibly supportive.

I don’t disagree your stepdad should help but I would have helped my mum. My daughters would help me. Your mum is doing a horrible job so you or your stepdad should help.

As humans we are social animals, and caring for each other is part of who we are.

But caring comes with a cost- much of it is good, and often reciprocal.

Even those of us who feel it is our duty to care or we must find compassion- do we give care at all costs?
How much impact are we prepared to accept in order to care for someone else?
I think we all have limits and boundaries.

Carers can have an assessement of needs- for themselves.
This information can be used to organise a care package.

Yes.

My parents' social worker was supportive, but the reality is that our council is subcontracting to private firms and available care is not what it used to be. There were issues with carers failing to turn up, for example, or being paid to be there for an hour (privately by me) and leaving after only a few minutes. I'll add that when it came to care for my husband, there was much less support available. As the spouse, I was expected to get on with things.

When DH had his stroke, we were promised 3 visits a day specifically for him for a fortnight when he was discharged. (I was working full time and Mum was living with us by then. I did have visits in place for her.) On the first day, someone from the team took one look at me and cut the visits to one a day. After a week, they ceased completely.

I asked for - and received - training in moving and handling Mum. They wouldn't provide it for DH. He was ambulatory by then, but had difficulty - any time he became ill (with a UTI, for example) the stroke immobility reasserted itself.

It doesn't affect me personally at the moment - my parents and DH are no longer here - but given my age I fear what is ahead for me.