To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

Just because her mum has chosen to care for her dying grandfather, does not mean OP has to provide care too. None of the rest of her family have too either, although berating others for not doing what they are also unwilling too is not on.

Her mum is making a choice, she could choose to have carers to help instead. This is not an emergency or an unpredictable situation, where help at short notice is required. This situation should have been planned for, her 70 year old mum needing help could be completely avoided.

This isn’t a short term problem, you need to set your boundaries OP, I’ve been in a similar situation. It was soul destroying watching my DM work themselves into the ground providing care for my DF, and still falling short of what’s needed, whilst simultaneously refusing to arrange adequate external support, and placing high demands on me to help because she couldn’t cope. Unfortunately it took a crisis to resolve the situation, as is often the case, hope it doesn’t for you OP.

I'd help my mum I'm not quite sure why you wouldn't. It's bedsheets FFS she's not asking you to take full time care of him.

your mum is 70 & her Dad is dying , he is your grandfather. Don’t you care about either of them. You should feel ashamed of yourself .

This, I understand the principle and would be calling your step father out, but not at the detriment of your mum and grandad.

This

So, who is advocating for the rights of that seventy year old woman and the 90 year old man?
Really, it is not about sex. It is about caring nature versus potatoe lazy taker nature.

She may have sibblings to help.
Yes, the step father should help. But nobody can force him. And because of that you are ready to leave your very own close family to struggle? To make a point?
No, thanks. Not for me.
You lot can do that if you want to.
My mental health cannot take the idea of living a loved one in the ditch while I have any means to help them.

The comments on this thread are disgusting. All those keyboard warriors calling the OP ‘disgusting’ and telling her she should be ashamed of herself.

At the time that the OP had written her post she had already changed ghe bedding twice. And it was only Wednesday.

To say she’s not helping is total bullshit and piling on the guilt that she should do more by virtue of being related is dreadful when know one knows anything about her relationship with her mum and grandad…or what other responsibilities/circumstances she is juggling.

She’s ABSOLUTELY within her rights to assert her boundaries and expect other family members to help and for her mother to access professional caring support.

@NimbleBee i hope you are ok and these replies haven’t made an already stressful situation, worse.

Aye I would. You don’t know what I have had to do in my life.

What on earth is 'potatoe lazy taker nature'?

Of course it's about sex. There are so many posts on the Elderly Parents board where already stressed out women are bullied into taking care of their elderly parents (who have often been pretty abusive) and the golden child brothers are no-where to be seen.

I'm pretty sure that if OP was a man, her mother wouldn't be asking her to help. OP has said that her grandad has other family who aren't helping out at all. His daughter, OP's mum, has made the decision that she will provide personal care for her father. That is her choice. It is unreasonable for her to expect OP to provide daily help (which is what she seems to be expecting as OP has already helped her twice this week).

She asked if she was unreasonable. Don’t ask the question if you’re not prepared for honest answers.

FFS she has already done it twice this week while her stepdad is sunbathing and other members of the family refuse to help.

You should be ashamed of yourself making judgments about her. She has already helped twice this week while the stepdad is sunbathing and other members of the family refuse to help.

You grow up and stop making judgments. She has already helped twice this week.

This is what keeps women positioned in providing thousands of hours of care per year as opposed to men.

The mum has taken this on. She can ask social services to step in. Not just dump it on her daughter while her husband sunbathes.

This is what happens to women time and time again.

Maybe the OP's mental health isn't good. Maybe she is a struggling single parent.

If your mental health cannot take it. Good.

Not everyone is the same or has the same circumstances.

I know. It is absolutely disgusting the way OP is being shamed by sanctimonious posters.

Has your MN only got one thread @Wonderingwhyyy? You appear a tad obsessed.

Was about to say the same thing! Some people have far too much time in their hands!

You can't always predict when someone will get sick. My mum was terminally ill during covid. There were no options for alternative care. I do agree that too much pressure is put on women generally. I'm lucky that my brothers were equally helpful in caring for my mum.

I think I have read it all now. Comments about a poster posting 'too' many times in support of the OP, on what has been a disgusting pile on of a thread.

Women supporting women eh? If this thread is anything to go by then we are crap at supporting each other, and no wonder we remain 2nd class citizens when so many women are happy to guilt others with such relish and tell them what they 'ought' to do ie remember their place and disregard their own needs.

I don't know the OP's circumstances or what prompted her to post; she did say though that she can't do more (having already done plenty). Unfortunately some posters want to disregard and disrespect that, and guilt her into doing more than she says she can do. Yeah of course she should do more: what do women's boundaries matter after all? And if she get burned out and their children suffer, maybe you will feel some empathy then but it will be too late.

Not much empathy for her mum, is there @Futurehappiness? I guess she’s too old to deserve any.

AFAICS, you’ve spent just as much time on this thread as @Wonderingwhyyy