To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

[NimbleBee]

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

You said ppl wanted to be able die in their own homes So how do you think it would be facilitated then

Nobody is saying that should be the answer. It needs to be looked at many levels with all family members involved and the services.

The answer is not the women keep doing it so the grandad doesn't suffer while the men get off scot free.

Why should the OP be ashamed of herself? She has already helped twice this week. Why lump her in the same category as her lazy sunbathing stepdad?

The answer is not for the women to keep caring themselves and driving themselves into the ground while the men run off scot free.

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. In an ideal world people would be able to retire earlier, on a good pension, and be able to either care for their loved one at home, of be able to afford care in the community or a care home. Or the person needing the care should be able to pay for it.

The care of our elderly this country is ridiculous and often unattainable. And yes, usually falls to women. You wouldn't believe how many daughter-in-laws do EVERYTHING for their in-laws, when the sons often can't even be bothered to visit! (Okay, you probably can believe it!)

But my response was in relation to this one particular situation. And as sad as it is, the truth is this man will probably die before finding a care home or in-house carers. There needs to be massive systemic changes when it comes to care in the UK, yes. But that isn't what this thread is about. So I find the 'men should be doing more/I won't do it because the man won't/just put him in a care home' remarks flippant. My post was trying to highlight how difficult the topic of care is.

I don't know the answer to that, other than there needs to be systemic changes in the UK.

I absolutely, 100% agree with you. It's disgraceful. But in this particular situation the OP's Mum IS being g run in to the ground. And if the OP is able to provide more support for her mother and grandfather then, I believe, it's morally wrong to refuse. If they aren't able to nepotism they obviously can't, but refusing to help because step-dad is sunbathing is ridiculous. The only people suffering are granddad and mum. The posterssticking up for the OP because she is a woman seem to be ignorant to the fact mum is also a woman. And whilst the care absolutely should not just be left to her, if OP is able to help their own mum out then why on earth wouldn't they?!

@JayJayEl thank you for replying to me. To me the short answer is money, but people don’t want the necessary tax/NI increase.

All the family should be helping out. Although it would be pretty heartless to not be there for your grandad towards the end of his life and leave your mother struggling with care alone whilst watching her father approach the end of life, all based on a feeling of it being unfair.

It is morally wrong for the stepdad to sunbathe.

We don't know if the OP can provide more help. Maybe she works or is a single parent. She might live miles away.

The mum is a woman - as a woman she is getting another woman to help rather than her sunbathing husband or contacting the services.

YABU and so is your step dad, you should both help your mum.

I doubt OP is not helping because it is unfair.

This is the pressure that keeps being put on women but not men.

Absolutely. As a nation we do NOT support our elderly!

Again, I agree with you. 100%. I have assumed that OP can help because they haven't said otherwise. All they have said is that their stepfather has been sunbathing, therefore they feel like it's not fair for them to help, so they won't. How can anyone sit by and watch their mother struggle like that, regardless of whether she should or shouldn't be doing it. She IS doing it, so if you can help, then help.
And Mum should be asking her husband to help, yes. But she's literally watching her father die. Probably isn't in the right frame of mind to tackle that (obviously important!) issue. She is in crisis and she needs help and her loved ones are squabbling whilst she takes the physical, mental and emotional load.

This is why it keeps falling back to women. They end up being guilt tripped, shamed, told they shouldn't make a fuss, to be kind, to take the load while men get off scot free?

Along with all the comments of I would do it if it was my mum........

Based on the limited information given, I would say that the OP's comments of "Grandad has other family who could help but do not," and "Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping," suggest that yes, she is refusing to help because it's "unfair".

I think you're misunderstanding the point of my replies. It should NOT be falling on women. But in this particular situation it has fallen on one woman. And that woman could be helped by another woman.

I think it depends- has op’s mother even asked step-dad to help? Or has she decided it’s easier to ask OP than him, or thinks men shouldn’t do that kind of thing, so her default is OP.

I ask because I had a not too dissimilar situation in my own family- my aunt was looking after an elderly relative, and she seemingly could not ask any male in the family (her husband, sons, brothers, nephews) for help but would contact her female relatives- my mother, myself, her other nieces, her DIL’s without any concern whatsoever. My cousin asked her why she had contacted his wife rather than him to ask for help, and she replied that she didn’t think men should do that sort of thing and didn’t think they would want to help with personal care.

Perhaps OP’s a bit put out because her mum hasn’t even asked her own husband for help but wants her to go round daily, whilst he lounges in the garden? That is really not ok for her mother to just accept that, but expect more from OP.

it’s also possible that OP was not consulted about what help she could provide before EoL care at home was decided upon, yet is being expected to step-in (and to do so daily, it sounds like). She may also have her own commitments which are not being taken account of.

Of course, if op can help it would be the right thing to do to do what she reasonably can. But if her mum needs more help than she can offer, her mother will have to ask other family members to help. Or make alternative care arrangements.

This is really common. Women would rather ask other women because think it is woman's job. Also men are often WORKING. It doesn't matter if the woman works. The expectation on her remains while it does not tend to for the man.

Yep - you're right. Another example of this:
I am a woman married to a woman. We have children and my sister and her husband have children. During school holidays my sister and I try to juggle childcare between us. My wife will look after my nephews almost as much as I do. My sister's husband has never looked after our children. Not even an option. So essentially my sister gets double the childcare as there are two of us to help them, but only one of them to help us. I just don't understand how it's even a thing in 2025.

Impossible to say without more information.

Is stepdad fit and well? If so yes, he should be offering to help.

What are your circumstances? If you live a 2 hour drive away, or you are caring for children or relatives with disabilities, or you have work commitments, or you are struggling with health or disability yourself then YANBU.

If you’re living in the same house as mum and grandad, and not working / completing other care commitments/ studying when your mum asks , then YABu.

Nonsense .

The weirdest example that I know is when my late husband's ex needed a minor op (day procedure) and needed someone to take her to and from the hospital. (DH was still alive at that point.)

Her partner had recently died. My husband's DIL mentioned over the phone that she couldn't come up to take her MIL to hospital because she was supporting her SIL who was ill. I was somewhat bewildered that DH's son wasn't coming up to do that. (Neither was DH's daughter, for that matter.)

In the end, like an idiot, I volunteered. I felt sorry for the woman - recently bereaved, etc. Subsequent events showed me that I'd just been used.

As a woman who had to take on care for grandfather, father ( both dementia) and brother ( mental illness) as my mother died in her 50s and predeceased her parents AND the men in my family seem to specialise in long debilitating illness, I’m well aware of the gender disparity in expectations of care, thank you. I also think there’s a lot of selfishness around and clutching at excuses not to help vulnerable family members.

I'm sorry to hear that you were used in that way. Just goes to show that many women perpetuate the notion of carer = female. Even when said woman won't do the care herself!
I'm sure you could kick yourself now, but at least you can say in conscious that you're a good person.