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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help my Mum change Grandads bedding?

667 replies

NimbleBee · 30/04/2025 09:30

My DM is taking care of my grandad in his final months.
I helped twice this week change his bedding, because he is double incontinent now with his age and illness.
My DM asked for help yesterday, I have said I can not help no more.
Aibu? My Grandad has other family who could help but do not.
My step Dad was not happy yesterday when I declined to help my DM.
I said to my retired step Dad, that he should go and change the bedding as it is his wife who is 70yr old that needs help with her Dad's bed change and he has lots of free time.
Yesterday step Dad was sunbathing and sleeping in the garden instead of helping.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 18:32

TheGander · 30/04/2025 17:58

It’s about personal responsibility, not using the “ men should be doing it” argument as a fig leaf. Yes men should be doing more in general , but refusing to help you mum change bedsheets for her dying father is just selfish .

This is the stick that is used to beat women with to keep them providing thousands more hours of care than men every year.

WearyAuldWumman · 30/04/2025 18:32

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 18:28

Pop round and help the grandad then.

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I dare say that Bikergran has done her bit.

ButterCrackers · 30/04/2025 18:34

WearyAuldWumman · 30/04/2025 18:31

Same.

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Were you in a situation where other family refused leaving it to you and one other?

Helen1625 · 30/04/2025 18:36

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 18:28

She has helped.

The stepdad is being unkind by bathing in the sunshine while all the care get dumped on women.

How often are men told they are unkind?

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How often are men told they're being unkind? When they ask if they're being unkind.

Maybe, just maybe think of the poor elderly, dying man's dignity. He may not want all and sundry knowing he's wet the bed, let alone changing it. Maybe the man doesn't feel comfortable changing a soiled bed because they're not related. And before you come back at me with 'Maybe the op isn't comfortable doing it either', she's already said she's done it twice so she's said no because others aren't helping. All the more reason to help! Doesn't she feel sorry for her mum at all????

WearyAuldWumman · 30/04/2025 18:40

ButterCrackers · 30/04/2025 18:34

Were you in a situation where other family refused leaving it to you and one other?

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I was an only child, so my parents’ care was entirely up to me - though I also used carers for Mum. I did all the night care.

When my husband needed care, his adult children wouldn’t even help out with hospital visits - they’d ‘see him when he gets home’.

ForFunGoose · 30/04/2025 18:40

I think caring for a person at home with this level of need is unsustainable.
I would help your mother provided she was actively looking for a care home. I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement long term either OP

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 18:41

Helen1625 · 30/04/2025 18:36

How often are men told they're being unkind? When they ask if they're being unkind.

Maybe, just maybe think of the poor elderly, dying man's dignity. He may not want all and sundry knowing he's wet the bed, let alone changing it. Maybe the man doesn't feel comfortable changing a soiled bed because they're not related. And before you come back at me with 'Maybe the op isn't comfortable doing it either', she's already said she's done it twice so she's said no because others aren't helping. All the more reason to help! Doesn't she feel sorry for her mum at all????

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Maybe she has stuff going on in her own life? Maybe she is at breaking point? It is not just about calling people unkind.

You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

The stepdad isn't thinking about the poor elderly man's dignity. He is busy sunbathing! How unkind.

Helen1625 · 30/04/2025 18:51

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 18:41

Maybe she has stuff going on in her own life? Maybe she is at breaking point? It is not just about calling people unkind.

You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

The stepdad isn't thinking about the poor elderly man's dignity. He is busy sunbathing! How unkind.

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He is indeed unkind.

She hasn't said she's got other stuff going on though, or that she's at breaking point. Just that she's done it twice and now she's said no because others could help but won't.

Could you be like that? I'd be pissed off with the lazy gits who could help but don't too, and I'd probably tell them so. But I couldn't be one of them.

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 18:59

Helen1625 · 30/04/2025 18:51

He is indeed unkind.

She hasn't said she's got other stuff going on though, or that she's at breaking point. Just that she's done it twice and now she's said no because others could help but won't.

Could you be like that? I'd be pissed off with the lazy gits who could help but don't too, and I'd probably tell them so. But I couldn't be one of them.

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We don't know her full situation.

Yes I had to be like that. I was helping an elderly neighbour. He had a son with a BIG IMPORTANT JOB. The son got away scot free because I was helping. It was only when I stepped back then the son helped and organised carers. If I had carried on helping, it would have been kind to the neighbour but the strain was too much for me as I already had an unwell family member in and out of hospital.

The answer is not always to be kind.

Helen1625 · 30/04/2025 19:02

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 18:59

We don't know her full situation.

Yes I had to be like that. I was helping an elderly neighbour. He had a son with a BIG IMPORTANT JOB. The son got away scot free because I was helping. It was only when I stepped back then the son helped and organised carers. If I had carried on helping, it would have been kind to the neighbour but the strain was too much for me as I already had an unwell family member in and out of hospital.

The answer is not always to be kind.

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I would argue that helping out a neighbour and helping out your own mum and grandad at such a difficult time are two very different situations. I too would have stepped back in your situation. You absolutely did the right thing. Not with mum and grandad though.

Futurehappiness · 30/04/2025 19:03

SockFluffInTheBath · 30/04/2025 16:39

To the ‘you should be getting stuck in there’ peanut gallery. Ever had to retract your DF’s foreskin to clean out the diarrhoea? No? Then maybe pipe down.

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This. Most of the posters who think that the OP should just get on with helping, have absolutely no idea what is involved. They are maybe labouring under the impression that it is like changing a baby's nappy; it is entirely different, even dangerous, to clean up an infirm, uncooperative adult.

It is funny for me how many people on here claim that they would 'do it in a heartbeat, even for a stranger'.....ime you can't see most people for dust when my DC needs care.

There are so many ways of supporting a loved one that don't involve cleaning up shit. I don't think the OP's DM should be doing it either; and no neither should her SF.

And for those who think it is the wrong time for the OP to set her boundaries: what the hell other time do you suggest she should do it?

SnippySnappy · 30/04/2025 19:04

CurlySueAndBillToo · 30/04/2025 09:54

My dad was dying when my DS was 6, I don’t like to shame you but even he helped out with a lot of things and saw things a 6 year old shouldn’t have to deal with. He’s your grandfather, that’s your mum, there’s a lot of difficulties during someone’s final days/weeks, and hell at times a lot of resentment over who helps and who doesn’t, but at the end of it you can hold your head high knowing you did the best for your grandad and your mum and made those difficult times a little bit easier and comfortable. Don’t make it harder. Think about your future too and if you were in that position.

All of this, OP. I do totally understand how you feel, having been in the same position myself a few years ago. It's so bloody difficult 😔

Blueblell · 30/04/2025 19:05

Go and help her , you will regret it when she is gone!

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 19:11

Blueblell · 30/04/2025 19:05

Go and help her , you will regret it when she is gone!

The stepdad will regret it too!

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 19:12

Helen1625 · 30/04/2025 19:02

I would argue that helping out a neighbour and helping out your own mum and grandad at such a difficult time are two very different situations. I too would have stepped back in your situation. You absolutely did the right thing. Not with mum and grandad though.

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The principle is the same - sometimes you need to step back and the services involved. The answer is not for the women to be kind and drive themselves into the ground while the men sunbathe and get on with their lives.

JayJayEl · 30/04/2025 19:27

ForFunGoose · 30/04/2025 18:40

I think caring for a person at home with this level of need is unsustainable.
I would help your mother provided she was actively looking for a care home. I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement long term either OP

  1. @NimbleBee said her Grandad is in his "last months" so this isn't a "long term" situafion.
  1. I work in a residential home. I have seen a lot of death and the agony (for the person, their loved ones, and the staff) of dying. Whilst the care there is excellent, every single person that was able to express themselves wish they were able to die in their own home.
  1. Finding a place in a care home is an incredibly long and daunting task. There are not enough places for all of the people who need them.
  2. Care homes are EXPENSIVE. Well in excess of £1,000 a WEEK.
  3. Supporting loved ones (in this case both Grandad and Mum) should absolutely not be conditional (provide support as long as Mum is actively looking for a care home?!)
  4. All people deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, by some they trust and are comfortable with. Her grandfather may very well feel uncomfortable with her step-rather helping with such an intimate, (possibly) embarrassing task.
  5. . Shame on the OP for not supporting both her mother and her grandfather. She will be old one day, and karma is one hell of a bitch.
Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 19:38

JayJayEl · 30/04/2025 19:27

  1. @NimbleBee said her Grandad is in his "last months" so this isn't a "long term" situafion.
  1. I work in a residential home. I have seen a lot of death and the agony (for the person, their loved ones, and the staff) of dying. Whilst the care there is excellent, every single person that was able to express themselves wish they were able to die in their own home.
  1. Finding a place in a care home is an incredibly long and daunting task. There are not enough places for all of the people who need them.
  2. Care homes are EXPENSIVE. Well in excess of £1,000 a WEEK.
  3. Supporting loved ones (in this case both Grandad and Mum) should absolutely not be conditional (provide support as long as Mum is actively looking for a care home?!)
  4. All people deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, by some they trust and are comfortable with. Her grandfather may very well feel uncomfortable with her step-rather helping with such an intimate, (possibly) embarrassing task.
  5. . Shame on the OP for not supporting both her mother and her grandfather. She will be old one day, and karma is one hell of a bitch.
Edited
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Why is it shame on the OP? The stepdad is busy sunbathing. The OP has already helped twice this week.

There are many other family members. None of the men are helping.

It is these kind of stupid expectations that means women are providing thousands of hours of more care than men with devastating consequences for them.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/our-impact/campaigning/care-in-crisis/breaking-point-report/

Especially with comments such as shame on you and how unkind directed at women but not at men.

softwater · 30/04/2025 19:38

The OP hasn’t actually said if they are male or female at all in the OP. My opinion is the same whether they are son or daughter.

JayJayEl · 30/04/2025 19:38

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 19:12

The principle is the same - sometimes you need to step back and the services involved. The answer is not for the women to be kind and drive themselves into the ground while the men sunbathe and get on with their lives.

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The answer also isn't saying "he won't help so neither will I". At the end of the day the on!y people suffering are Mum and Grandad.

JenniferBooth · 30/04/2025 19:40

JayJayEl · 30/04/2025 19:27

  1. @NimbleBee said her Grandad is in his "last months" so this isn't a "long term" situafion.
  1. I work in a residential home. I have seen a lot of death and the agony (for the person, their loved ones, and the staff) of dying. Whilst the care there is excellent, every single person that was able to express themselves wish they were able to die in their own home.
  1. Finding a place in a care home is an incredibly long and daunting task. There are not enough places for all of the people who need them.
  2. Care homes are EXPENSIVE. Well in excess of £1,000 a WEEK.
  3. Supporting loved ones (in this case both Grandad and Mum) should absolutely not be conditional (provide support as long as Mum is actively looking for a care home?!)
  4. All people deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, by some they trust and are comfortable with. Her grandfather may very well feel uncomfortable with her step-rather helping with such an intimate, (possibly) embarrassing task.
  5. . Shame on the OP for not supporting both her mother and her grandfather. She will be old one day, and karma is one hell of a bitch.
Edited
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In answer to number two...................people need to make their fucking minds up about who/how we care for our elderly. The upping of the state pension age was cheered on on here. People cant be in two places at once
Two wages are needed to even rent now let alone buy.
Times have changed Family members of the elderly have to work JUST LIKE YOU DO

Ellie56 · 30/04/2025 19:41

Your poor mum.

Both you and your stepdad are unreasonable and should be ashamed of yourselves.

JayJayEl · 30/04/2025 19:42

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 19:38

Why is it shame on the OP? The stepdad is busy sunbathing. The OP has already helped twice this week.

There are many other family members. None of the men are helping.

It is these kind of stupid expectations that means women are providing thousands of hours of more care than men with devastating consequences for them.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/our-impact/campaigning/care-in-crisis/breaking-point-report/

Especially with comments such as shame on you and how unkind directed at women but not at men.

Show quote history

Shame on the step rather too, obviously. But I would say that during a time when your own mother is watching her father die it is absolutely not the moment to make a stand about what men do or don't do.

SockFluffInTheBath · 30/04/2025 19:43

I work in a residential home. I have seen a lot of death and the agony (for the person, their loved ones, and the staff) of dying. Whilst the care there is excellent, every single person that was able to express themselves wish they were able to die in their own home.

Did they have the mental clarity to fully understand the implications for the family they expected to be providing the care to facilitate this wish? That’s a genuine question, no snarky tone attached.

Lots of guilt tripping on this thread, very different feel to similar threads in the Elderly Parents board where we’re all actually living this reality. Hats off to the handful on here who did the care. However, as in real life, very many opinionated watchers.

Helen1625 · 30/04/2025 19:44

Wonderingwhyyy · 30/04/2025 19:12

The principle is the same - sometimes you need to step back and the services involved. The answer is not for the women to be kind and drive themselves into the ground while the men sunbathe and get on with their lives.

Show quote history

I agree that it might be wise to get the services involved, to ease some pressure. I couldn't leave it all to my mum 'because others aren't helping either' though. That doesn't sit well.

Agreed that the man shouldn't have been sunbathing- and I'd have told him so too!

I just can't help feeling sad for her mum - I've been there, I've lost both of my parents, and watching them in their final weeks is beyond devastating.

JayJayEl · 30/04/2025 19:45

JenniferBooth · 30/04/2025 19:40

In answer to number two...................people need to make their fucking minds up about who/how we care for our elderly. The upping of the state pension age was cheered on on here. People cant be in two places at once
Two wages are needed to even rent now let alone buy.
Times have changed Family members of the elderly have to work JUST LIKE YOU DO

Show quote history

Huh? I'm not sure what any of that has to do with my comment?? It's absolutely disgusting expensive care homes are, and it's a crime that they are. But...huh?

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