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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH says "he's just private"

121 replies

Gifgaf · 30/04/2025 09:08

How private is too private?

DH & I have 3 kids together but it seems everyone outside of his family life barely knows about us.

I overheard a convo once with his manager/friend and she was giving him advise assuming he is a single guy & DH did not correct her to say I am actually married and have kids. Nothing malicious going on with manager as she swings the other way. I was quite upset about it and said to DH you're making me feel like a dirty little secret.

Fastforward our DC is huge fan of this band and someone from his class happens to look like the main girl and I came across some messages where he asks her "would you be able to have a call with a DC who is a big fan etc". Naturally she asked who "your child" and he didn't respond or correct and just say it's for my DC. Which then led me to believe that he's either ashamed or doesn't want to be seen as a married man with kids.

DH claims he's just a private person and doesn't like people knowing about his life. I am private also but I don't not claim to be married or have children. He's very pick and choose who he's sharing this info with.

I find it extremely weird and borderline offensive . Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Oceanically · 30/04/2025 09:16

That's two instances. Are you saying that he actively conceals his marital status at work? Tbh, the only colleagues whose marital/parental status I know about are the ones whose spouses/partners/kids I've happened to meet, or whose maternity/paternity leave meant I took on some of their responsibilities. I had been working with someone for two years and sometimes saw her outside of work before I knew she was married with (adult) children from a previous marriage.

Endofyear · 30/04/2025 09:32

You talk about someone from his class, is he a teacher? They are often extremely zealous to protect their private information in my experience and rightly so.

BigFatLiar · 30/04/2025 09:40

If he's a teacher it's probably best not to be too open. Depending on where you are it may open your children to bullying If their father is one of the teachers.

Sounds more like he's not telling everyone rather than denying. Perhaps he feels too many are oversharing.

CarefulN0w · 30/04/2025 09:47

If this is true the second example sounds inappropriate. I’d be more worried about boundaries than privacy.

Oceanically · 30/04/2025 09:53

CarefulN0w · 30/04/2025 09:47

If this is true the second example sounds inappropriate. I’d be more worried about boundaries than privacy.

Oh, I didn't pick up on that -- I thought the DH was a student as well as working. If he's a teacher, messaging a child in one of his classes is completely inappropriate.

ThirdStorm · 30/04/2025 09:55

I don't talk about my personal life at work, maybe occasionally with colleagues I'm closer with but I just don't. So I'd imagine my colleagues don't know much about my home life. So what?

NuffSaidSam · 30/04/2025 09:57

Does he wear a wedding ring?

SussexLass87 · 30/04/2025 11:39

CarefulN0w · 30/04/2025 09:47

If this is true the second example sounds inappropriate. I’d be more worried about boundaries than privacy.

Yes - definitely agree!

loropianalover · 30/04/2025 11:44

You said…
“DC is huge fan of this band and someone from his class happens to look like the main girl and I came across some messages where he asks her "would you be able to have a call with a DC who is a big fan etc". Naturally she asked who "your child" and he didn't respond or correct and just say it's for my DC”

I don’t understand this at all? Your DH messaged a student? Why would someone have a call with a child just because they look like someone in a band?

I agree with PP his job might be relevant to why he’s so private, but I completely agree with you it’s a horrible feeling that he seems so secretive about having a wife.

Codlingmoths · 30/04/2025 11:47

It sounds weird although the second example is confusing. Do his friends all know about you?

Civilservant · 30/04/2025 11:49

Your second example doesn’t make sense.

pikkumyy77 · 30/04/2025 11:59

Needs more clarity: who is in “his” class, how old are they, and what does the “ask” mean here?

Starlight1984 · 30/04/2025 12:06

I am private also but I don't not claim to be married or have children.

He's not claiming not to be married or have children though? He's just not mentioning them to people he's not close to?

I work for a small company where everyone knows everyone else's business however I used to work at a huge corporate place and wouldn't have had a clue who was married, had kids etc!

Fastforward our DC is huge fan of this band and someone from his class happens to look like the main girl and I came across some messages where he asks her "would you be able to have a call with a DC who is a big fan etc".

This bit is odd though! Why on earth would he ask someone who resembles a pop star to ring your child for a chat?! And why would he say a child is a big fan of someone who isn't even famous and is just - by the sounds of it - a kid at school?!

ColinOfficeTrolley · 30/04/2025 12:10

Starlight1984 · 30/04/2025 12:06

I am private also but I don't not claim to be married or have children.

He's not claiming not to be married or have children though? He's just not mentioning them to people he's not close to?

I work for a small company where everyone knows everyone else's business however I used to work at a huge corporate place and wouldn't have had a clue who was married, had kids etc!

Fastforward our DC is huge fan of this band and someone from his class happens to look like the main girl and I came across some messages where he asks her "would you be able to have a call with a DC who is a big fan etc".

This bit is odd though! Why on earth would he ask someone who resembles a pop star to ring your child for a chat?! And why would he say a child is a big fan of someone who isn't even famous and is just - by the sounds of it - a kid at school?!

Yes, the OP really needs to clear this up, as it sounds absolutely bizarre.

Starlight1984 · 30/04/2025 12:12

ColinOfficeTrolley · 30/04/2025 12:10

Yes, the OP really needs to clear this up, as it sounds absolutely bizarre.

Show quote history

I'm thinking that "his class" might mean DH is a mature student (or teaches mature students) however it's still odd. Is he asking someone to facetime his child pretending to be the lead singer of a band they like?? Surely they'll know it's not the real person?!

Original poster
Gifgaf · 30/04/2025 12:17

Just to clarify a few things

  • Hes not a teacher, we both work in corporate industry. The student example was a classmate in a class he was taking.
  • I am also not looking for him to go around and say I am married with kids but when the conversation has come up he hasn't corrected to say I am actually married and not single. Instead he entertained that conversation as if he was single which I found so weird.
  • The second example, this classmate looks just like the leader of a band that our DC is a huge fan of and he had essentially messaged this classmate to ask if she could pretend to be this singer as DC was upset she wouldn't be able to make the concert (long story) anyways, DH didn't go in with it's for my DC nut he said it's for this child to where classmate responses "your sister" and he sort of aired.
  • He acts as though having kids and a wife is a crime to the corporate life that's how I feel.

I also wouldn't go around talking about my life but if the conversation happened to be centred around that, I wouldn't lie or intentionally deny I am married or have kids and then say " I am private" 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Civilservant · 30/04/2025 12:27

Your H does seem to be seeking to avoid informing people he’s married and a father, which seems unusual, understandable to worry about his motives.

Side point, but that request to the classmate was weird and inappropriate!

Hamandpineapplepizza · 30/04/2025 12:29

I think it's very odd to maintain that level of privacy and i would distrust his intentions.

I also think it's mean and odd to trick a child like that.

And very bizarre to ask a class mate to join in the trickery

DoRayMeMeMe · 30/04/2025 12:30

Yes, it’s weird. And people will assume that he prefers women to think he’s single.

I would be pretty insulted TBH.

JoyousEagle · 30/04/2025 12:32

What was the advice being given on the assumption he was single? Was it dating advice?

loropianalover · 30/04/2025 12:33

The example about asking the classmate to pretend to be a famous singer to a child is so bizarre, but yes it does seem (in that case anyway) that he was actively avoiding saying he has children/a family.

Does he wear a wedding ring to work and these classes? It’s strange to me that his own manager wouldn’t even know he’s married with kids? I know not everyone is close with their managers but she’s clearly close enough to dole out dating advice, so they have some sort of relationship? I only speak to my manager once a week sometimes and I know he’s got a wife and child.

HunnyPot · 30/04/2025 12:36

Nothing malicious going on with manager as she swings the other way.

Are we still saying is nonsense in 2025???

Original poster
Gifgaf · 30/04/2025 12:38

JoyousEagle · 30/04/2025 12:32

What was the advice being given on the assumption he was single? Was it dating advice?

I can't recall every detail but it was around him finding someone now and settling down so you can imagine my face when he intentionally chose to avoid mentioning that he is actually married. I personally think the whole I am a private person is pure BS. We did argue a lot after that and all he managed to come out with is why was I listening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gifgaf · 30/04/2025 12:40

loropianalover · 30/04/2025 12:33

The example about asking the classmate to pretend to be a famous singer to a child is so bizarre, but yes it does seem (in that case anyway) that he was actively avoiding saying he has children/a family.

Does he wear a wedding ring to work and these classes? It’s strange to me that his own manager wouldn’t even know he’s married with kids? I know not everyone is close with their managers but she’s clearly close enough to dole out dating advice, so they have some sort of relationship? I only speak to my manager once a week sometimes and I know he’s got a wife and child.

No he doesn't and his excuse is that he doesn't like to wear any jewellery, which is true. However, I feel wedding rings are a different.

OP posts:
GarlicSmile · 30/04/2025 12:40

When XH2 and I divorced, I found out hardly anybody knew he was married. They thought I was just a friend of his! He was always going on about being a very private person. I'd say secretive.
It turned out he did have a lot of secrets.

I agree, OP, it's hurtful and insulting. Also, the story about asking his classmate to impersonate a pop star on video to "a child" is fucking weird even if he said it was his own daughter. Massively more weird to ask and then refuse to say who the child is.

I feel you need to be cautious with this one. Do you know about his financials, have access to all accounts and contracts?