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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH says "he's just private"

121 replies

Gifgaf · 30/04/2025 09:08

How private is too private?

DH & I have 3 kids together but it seems everyone outside of his family life barely knows about us.

I overheard a convo once with his manager/friend and she was giving him advise assuming he is a single guy & DH did not correct her to say I am actually married and have kids. Nothing malicious going on with manager as she swings the other way. I was quite upset about it and said to DH you're making me feel like a dirty little secret.

Fastforward our DC is huge fan of this band and someone from his class happens to look like the main girl and I came across some messages where he asks her "would you be able to have a call with a DC who is a big fan etc". Naturally she asked who "your child" and he didn't respond or correct and just say it's for my DC. Which then led me to believe that he's either ashamed or doesn't want to be seen as a married man with kids.

DH claims he's just a private person and doesn't like people knowing about his life. I am private also but I don't not claim to be married or have children. He's very pick and choose who he's sharing this info with.

I find it extremely weird and borderline offensive . Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
XWKD · 30/04/2025 12:41

My father didn't tell anyone outside his family when my parents married. If people asked him, he would be truthful, but wouldn't offer up any information.

Someone else I knew would walk in the wrong direction if she saw anyone she knew, so they wouldn't know where she was going.

I think people who come from places where everyone knows everyone else's business can overcompensate, and become secretive with outsiders.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 30/04/2025 12:45

I feel you need to be cautious with this one. Do you know about his financials, have access to all accounts and contracts?

Agree

I think people who come from places where everyone knows everyone else's business can overcompensate, and become secretive with outsiders

Nah, not buying that as an excuse. There's private and then there's actively hiding you have a wife and kids, which is what that weirdo is doing. Wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

Strangeworldtoday · 30/04/2025 12:52

Yeah it's weird. With close colleagues I mention my children and DH. But tbh I don't with random colleagues where it isnt relevant or appropriate.

PeppyTealDuck · 30/04/2025 12:53

The impersonation request shows your husband is very comfortable lying.

Perhaps one thing you can do is make it clear to him that you are not in fact comfortable with lies.

loropianalover · 30/04/2025 13:03

Gifgaf · 30/04/2025 12:40

No he doesn't and his excuse is that he doesn't like to wear any jewellery, which is true. However, I feel wedding rings are a different.

Show quote history

And has he never had to take off work for a family emergency with the children, or booked an afternoon off to see a school play or sports day? Do you go on summer or Easter holidays, and he just keeps it a secret, nobody asks if he’s been abroad when he gets back? I understand being private but he’s definitely very strange and I wouldn’t be happy… colleagues will always ask if you had a nice weekend etc., does he just act like he sat in alone for 2 days? I’d be extremely hurt if my DP pretended I didn’t exist and never mentioned me.

Starlight1984 · 30/04/2025 13:15

Yeah to be honest, reading your updates OP, it does all sound a bit odd. I get not talking about your home life to work colleagues, but not actively correcting someone who assumes you are single is definitely not on. And not wearing a wedding ring alongside the rest of it is raising alarm bells...

Bumblebeestiltskin · 30/04/2025 13:28

This sounds utterly bizarre!

Whatifitallgoesright · 30/04/2025 13:30

I think I'd want to be ringing his office with a message from his wife about not forgetting parents evening as often as is viable when you'd usually text. Once a receptionist knows that will help.

loropianalover · 30/04/2025 13:32

Also OP if I eventually found out that an employee I’d worked with for years and had given ‘dating’/single life advice to, was actually MARRIED with children???? I wouldn’t think much of him and would be very wary of him. So whatever he’s trying to pull, it’s going to backfire on him and he’s going to look like an idiot.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 30/04/2025 13:42

PeppyTealDuck · 30/04/2025 12:53

The impersonation request shows your husband is very comfortable lying.

Perhaps one thing you can do is make it clear to him that you are not in fact comfortable with lies.

This.
Your husband is happy to lie and be deceitful.

Starlight1984 · 30/04/2025 13:45

loropianalover · 30/04/2025 13:32

Also OP if I eventually found out that an employee I’d worked with for years and had given ‘dating’/single life advice to, was actually MARRIED with children???? I wouldn’t think much of him and would be very wary of him. So whatever he’s trying to pull, it’s going to backfire on him and he’s going to look like an idiot.

Why would you bother?! If my DH was going to these lengths to try and deny my existence, I'm certainly not going to be ringing his work to let them know he's married! For what reason?!

I would however be looking into leaving him!

JHound · 30/04/2025 13:47

I get being private. I am too, for example my family are only aware of two of the men I have had relationships with and met exactly zero of them.

But I don’t hide things. When people assume, I correct them. All the men I have ever met who conceal the fact they have spouses / kids tend to be massive cheats.

BankHolidayBonanza · 30/04/2025 13:49

I overheard a convo once with his manager/friend and she was giving him advise assuming he is a single guy & DH did not correct her to say I am actually married and have kids.

on one side it's very weird, it's such a non-issue, I can't understand why someone wouldn't just say that he's married.

On the other side, if it was in front of you as you could hear the conversation, it's not a sneeky thing.

Maybe it's the fact that you are both working close together his problem - yes, he's married but he doesn't want people to know it's with a collegue or near-colleague. That would make more sense.

loropianalover · 30/04/2025 13:53

BankHolidayBonanza · 30/04/2025 13:49

I overheard a convo once with his manager/friend and she was giving him advise assuming he is a single guy & DH did not correct her to say I am actually married and have kids.

on one side it's very weird, it's such a non-issue, I can't understand why someone wouldn't just say that he's married.

On the other side, if it was in front of you as you could hear the conversation, it's not a sneeky thing.

Maybe it's the fact that you are both working close together his problem - yes, he's married but he doesn't want people to know it's with a collegue or near-colleague. That would make more sense.

I presumed OP overheard it as DP was working from home?

If they worked together everyone would know they’re married because OP would be open about it.

JHound · 30/04/2025 13:54

Starlight1984 · 30/04/2025 12:06

I am private also but I don't not claim to be married or have children.

He's not claiming not to be married or have children though? He's just not mentioning them to people he's not close to?

I work for a small company where everyone knows everyone else's business however I used to work at a huge corporate place and wouldn't have had a clue who was married, had kids etc!

Fastforward our DC is huge fan of this band and someone from his class happens to look like the main girl and I came across some messages where he asks her "would you be able to have a call with a DC who is a big fan etc".

This bit is odd though! Why on earth would he ask someone who resembles a pop star to ring your child for a chat?! And why would he say a child is a big fan of someone who isn't even famous and is just - by the sounds of it - a kid at school?!

I am private but will correct incorrect assumptions.

TipsyRaven247 · 30/04/2025 13:56

Well, it is within his right to share whatever he wants about his life so there is nothing you can do about it.

BankHolidayBonanza · 30/04/2025 13:59

loropianalover · 30/04/2025 13:53

I presumed OP overheard it as DP was working from home?

If they worked together everyone would know they’re married because OP would be open about it.

Show quote history

you are right, I got derailed by the we both work in corporate industry.

It's still said in front of his wife at least. It's a bit weird but it's not that common not to discuss your marital situation at work . Sometimes simply because you are in the middle of a divorce, but not only for that reason.

Starlight1984 · 30/04/2025 14:03

JHound · 30/04/2025 13:54

I am private but will correct incorrect assumptions.

Show quote history

Yep I do agree after reading the OP again and the further updates. Very odd indeed.

Codlingmoths · 30/04/2025 14:11

TipsyRaven247 · 30/04/2025 13:56

Well, it is within his right to share whatever he wants about his life so there is nothing you can do about it.

There are things she can do about it. If my dh were denying my existence to his work, including in conversations about him finding the right woman and settling down, and wouldn’t wear a wedding ring, I’d be explaining this didn’t seem like a real relationship to me where both participants are committed, and if he has one foot out of the relationship then you think it’s not going to work. Bullshit is that ‘I’m a private person’ type behaviour.

commonsense61 · 30/04/2025 14:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

commonsense61 · 30/04/2025 14:50

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

NewsdeskJC · 30/04/2025 14:57

I've worked with men before where literally you would not know if they were married, engaged, in thruple, had kids or pets.
My own dh car shared with a colleague 3 hrs a day. At Christmas I asked the kids name to put in a card. No idea. Are they boys or girls? No idea.
I know more about someone I've set next to in the hairdressers!

FlakyCritic · 30/04/2025 15:23

Sorry OP, he is keeping you secret because he is playing the field. Any man who truly loves his wife and family would be PROUD to say he is married. I would not be able to move past this without some remediation ie he telling his co-worker 'actually I am married'.

UnctuousUnicorns · 30/04/2025 15:28

"The second example, this classmate looks just like the leader of a band that our DC is a huge fan of and he had essentially messaged this classmate to ask if she could pretend to be this singer as DC was upset she wouldn't be able to make the concert (long story) anyways, DH didn't go in with it's for my DC nut he said it's for this child to where classmate responses "your sister" and he sort of aired."

That is truly bizarre. Even my naive 11 year old self in 1981 wouldn't have been remotely impressed or fooled by that bollocks. 😕

JandamiHash · 30/04/2025 15:33

I’m so confused about the lead singer thing.

Has he texted a child asking her to have a video call?