Page 3 | DH says "he's just private"

Gifgaf · 2025-04-30T08:08:46+00:00

How private is too private? DH & I have 3 kids together but it seems everyone outside of his family life barely knows about us. I overheard a convo once with his manager/friend and she was giving him advise assuming he is a single guy & DH did not correct her to say I am actually married and have kids. Nothing malicious going on with manager as she swings the other way. I was quite upset about it and said to DH you're making me feel like a dirty little secret. Fastforward our DC is huge fan of this band and someone from his class happens to look like the main girl and I came across some messages where he asks her "would you be able to have a call with a DC who is a big fan etc". Naturally she asked who "your child" and he didn't respond or correct and just say it's for my DC. Which then led me to believe that he's either ashamed or doesn't want to be seen as a married man with kids. DH claims he's just a private person and doesn't like people knowing about his life. I am private also but I don't not claim to be married or have children. He's very pick and choose who he's sharing this info with. I find it extremely weird and borderline offensive . Am I being unreasonable?

CautiousLurker01 · 30/04/2025 15:49

So my DH choses not to share much of a personal nature at work - so noone knows about my DD’s teen issues or that both his kids are ASD/ADHD. In part this arose out of a person at the next desk that he’s sat next to for 3 years going missing one day. The police arrive to interview him/his team members and it turned out he had been convicted of having 3000 kiddie porn pics and on the day he was meant to present to court for sentencing he threw himself in front of a train.

my DH removed all personal effects, screen savers or any other evidence of our children from his work space.

However… he absolutely DOES reference being married and having kids, happily talks about being forced to go to pop concerts with them, about the uni application process and open days, he definitely share pics of the dogs, and I believe I do get a mention on a regular basis.

So, there is being private about your family’s personal information and there is pretending to be a single man.

In the workplace, it is actually more likely to be seen as a positive that you are married with children (speaks of stability, motivation etc) - so long as you are not dealing with huge family dramas, of course - so I’m not sure I can quite understand him, unless he is on the spectrum and really does compartmentalise ‘work’ and ‘home’?

proximalhumerous · 30/04/2025 15:50

DH didn't go in with it's for my DC nut he said it's for this child to where classmate responses "your sister" and he sort of aired.

What does this mean?

Dollyjon · 30/04/2025 16:11

Im like your DH. Private at work. I was bullied to the point of feeling suicidal in tandem by two women in a previous work role so now I keep everything surface.

JHound · 30/04/2025 18:35

I saw the comment about his choice not to wear a wedding ring. Everything individually is fine.

Collectively…..

uncomfortablydumb60 · 30/04/2025 18:45

He’s more than secretive, he’s lying and not just by omission.
All the instances you mention add up to a truly bizarre situation

HollidayRanger · 30/04/2025 18:45

He sounds weird

JHound · 30/04/2025 18:48

CautiousLurker01 · 30/04/2025 15:49

So my DH choses not to share much of a personal nature at work - so noone knows about my DD’s teen issues or that both his kids are ASD/ADHD. In part this arose out of a person at the next desk that he’s sat next to for 3 years going missing one day. The police arrive to interview him/his team members and it turned out he had been convicted of having 3000 kiddie porn pics and on the day he was meant to present to court for sentencing he threw himself in front of a train.

my DH removed all personal effects, screen savers or any other evidence of our children from his work space.

However… he absolutely DOES reference being married and having kids, happily talks about being forced to go to pop concerts with them, about the uni application process and open days, he definitely share pics of the dogs, and I believe I do get a mention on a regular basis.

So, there is being private about your family’s personal information and there is pretending to be a single man.

In the workplace, it is actually more likely to be seen as a positive that you are married with children (speaks of stability, motivation etc) - so long as you are not dealing with huge family dramas, of course - so I’m not sure I can quite understand him, unless he is on the spectrum and really does compartmentalise ‘work’ and ‘home’?

I think this is what I find odd. I get being private. I am generally but OPs husband appears to be actively pretending to be a single man which is something quite different.

Aria2015 · 30/04/2025 18:52

What about when you're out and about a a family? Does he hold hands with you / DC? Act like a family? Just trying to gauge if this is isolated to ‘professional’ situations?

Original poster

Gifgaf · 30/04/2025 22:09

A lot of messages to response back to but to summarise, outside of work, he is a great dad and somewhat of a DH to me as I've naturally got concerns. He was also never a social media guy but as part of some project he created an account and for a long time he never added me but instead had other girls from his class. This naturally pissed me off and I questioned him so now he does have me but again if you see his page which he now uses for personal use you would never guess this man is married. The best way I could summarise is that he very much pick and chooses who he wants to share about me. I am not asking for him to shout he is married but I would have loved a husband who is proud enough to be married and not intentionally disregard my existence or pretend he is a single dad. He thinks I am in the wrong but I know deep down my feelings around this are very valid. It does feel shitty to be married to someone who would rather portray being single then proudly claim he is married.

OP posts:

JandamiHash · 30/04/2025 22:11

He didn’t add you on Facebook? His own wife? And he allows people to tell him it’s time he settled down?

Yeah he’s not private, he’s a shady prick who wants to appear single in case someone better comes along. Your instincts are spot on.

beAsensible1 · 30/04/2025 22:17

It’s a bit dodge combined with the wedding ring stuff.

JandamiHash · 30/04/2025 22:20

I don’t wear my wedding ring anymore because it flares up eczema on my hands but I absolutely would if I could

Screamingabdabz · 30/04/2025 22:31

This all builds a picture of odd inconsistent behaviour. Normal married men don’t act like this. There might be some who are ‘private’ about their lives but not to the point that they mask and deny it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s got some skeletons in the closet.

PerkyGreenCat · 30/04/2025 22:38

It's really weird! It would freak me out.

Talking about life outside of work is something you can't help but do. I don't mean talking about personal problems or favourite sex positions, I mean basic small talk.
"It's supposed to be nice weather this weekend. We're going to have a barbecue and have the in-laws round"
"I'm taking Jane to that new restaurant in town later, have you been?"

What does he say to his boss and colleagues when he has to leave early to pick the kids up or attend parent's evening or assemblies, or care for them when they're sick? Does he lie?

Does he not talk to anyone he works with ever?

I'd feel so uncomfortable about being a dirty secret that he's ashamed of. It's not normal.

I reckon he's almost certainly a serial killer. I can imagine his colleagues being interviewed on the news when he's caught.
"Yeah, we thought he was odd. Always kept himself to himself. He barely said a word to anyone in the 10 years he worked with us"

SussexLass87 · 30/04/2025 22:39

I wonder how your husband would feel if your colleagues and friends didn't know you were married? And thought that you were single?

notwavingbutsinking · 30/04/2025 22:41

I cannot see how this situation would arise without a conscious effort to conceal and deceive.

Not actively volunteering personal information at work is perfectly normal. But how on earth could you navigate normal polite chit chat without alluding to the fact you have a partner and children?

"What have you got planned for weekend?"
"Where are you off to on holiday?"

etc etc

I can't imagine saying "I'm having friends over for supper" or "I'm off to Greece" if I those things actually involved DH and/or DC. That would feel completely unnatural, surely?

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 30/04/2025 22:44

He’s a shady prick keeping his options open, mate.

PullTheBricksDown · 30/04/2025 22:51

No, this is weird and as pp have said, smacks of trying to keep your options open. Also, you've said he is a 'great dad'. Has he never though had to take a parental leave day as one of the kids is ill, or have you covered those every single time? Has he never booked leave for school holidays? Never used flexi time to go to a school play or parents' evening? During Covid did he have to declare that he was home schooling as well as working? My point is that you don't have to bang on about your kids in detail, or have photos all over your desk, for it to be clearcut work that you have kids and a partner. Unless you are going to quite some trouble to never give that away.

Original poster

Gifgaf · 30/04/2025 22:52

He's almost like a social butterfly at work and talks to everyone yet can't tell people he's married. When it comes to managing work with childcare, he almost throws us out of the room when theres meetings with certain people i.e. this manager and it pisses me off that I have made intentional noise to make it known there is a woman around and kids. I have told him that there are also others who are married with kids and also work like you. He genuinely hides behind all this behaviour by excusing how private he is. I would have respected him so much more if he acknowledged I am actually married but would rather not share the finer details but not his own selfish reasons. I wish I could show him the responses on here but he would still find a way to say I am in the wrong.

OP posts:

Screamingabdabz · 30/04/2025 23:08

Gifgaf · 30/04/2025 22:52

He's almost like a social butterfly at work and talks to everyone yet can't tell people he's married. When it comes to managing work with childcare, he almost throws us out of the room when theres meetings with certain people i.e. this manager and it pisses me off that I have made intentional noise to make it known there is a woman around and kids. I have told him that there are also others who are married with kids and also work like you. He genuinely hides behind all this behaviour by excusing how private he is. I would have respected him so much more if he acknowledged I am actually married but would rather not share the finer details but not his own selfish reasons. I wish I could show him the responses on here but he would still find a way to say I am in the wrong.

He can say you’re ‘in the wrong’ but that doesn’t negate how you FEEL about it. And you’re right to feel uncomfortable and disrespected. He’s definitely an oddball and he would not be ‘throwing me out of the room’ around his manager, fuck that. I’d be having a divorce level conversation if my husband was trying to hide me in my own home.

GarlicSmile · 30/04/2025 23:11

Oh, sweetheart, you're not in a very good marriage, are you? Being hidden away by a husband who makes out you're always in the wrong will undermine your confidence.

How's your own work & social situation? Does your relationship improve your life, would you say?

Dery · 30/04/2025 23:30

@Gifgaf - you’re right to find this odd and unsettling. For whatever reason, your H is choosing to present as single despite being married with children. That is deeply unnatural behaviour on his part.

RawBloomers · 01/05/2025 01:06

I would find it unsettling too, OP. I can see that there are a few professions, like teaching, where it might be wise to keep as much away from the workplace as possible. But in general it's very odd to lie by omission about something like being married or having kids and I can see why you might have concerns. Does he claim of being private seem to extend to him not talking about hobbies or favourite football teams or the like? Or not socializing with them?

pikkumyy77 · 01/05/2025 02:36

Gifgaf · 30/04/2025 22:09

A lot of messages to response back to but to summarise, outside of work, he is a great dad and somewhat of a DH to me as I've naturally got concerns. He was also never a social media guy but as part of some project he created an account and for a long time he never added me but instead had other girls from his class. This naturally pissed me off and I questioned him so now he does have me but again if you see his page which he now uses for personal use you would never guess this man is married. The best way I could summarise is that he very much pick and chooses who he wants to share about me. I am not asking for him to shout he is married but I would have loved a husband who is proud enough to be married and not intentionally disregard my existence or pretend he is a single dad. He thinks I am in the wrong but I know deep down my feelings around this are very valid. It does feel shitty to be married to someone who would rather portray being single then proudly claim he is married.

Its creepy. Because he is clearly used ng social media and interactions with others to remain open and play the field. He is not a “private person” at all—he is a social person who pretends he is single.

whitewineandsun · 01/05/2025 02:53

*The second example, this classmate looks just like the leader of a band that our DC is a huge fan of and he had essentially messaged this classmate to ask if she could pretend to be this singer as DC was upset she wouldn't be able to make the concert

This is a really strange request of a virtual stranger and dishonest to your child.

EDIT: He sounds shady af overall. Sorry.