DH says "he's just private"

[Gifgaf]

How private is too private?

DH & I have 3 kids together but it seems everyone outside of his family life barely knows about us.

I overheard a convo once with his manager/friend and she was giving him advise assuming he is a single guy & DH did not correct her to say I am actually married and have kids. Nothing malicious going on with manager as she swings the other way. I was quite upset about it and said to DH you're making me feel like a dirty little secret.

Fastforward our DC is huge fan of this band and someone from his class happens to look like the main girl and I came across some messages where he asks her "would you be able to have a call with a DC who is a big fan etc". Naturally she asked who "your child" and he didn't respond or correct and just say it's for my DC. Which then led me to believe that he's either ashamed or doesn't want to be seen as a married man with kids.

DH claims he's just a private person and doesn't like people knowing about his life. I am private also but I don't not claim to be married or have children. He's very pick and choose who he's sharing this info with.

I find it extremely weird and borderline offensive . Am I being unreasonable?

This is not normal behavior. Your gut is telling you the truth. Sure he doesn’t have an affair at work or a second girlfriend? Or that he has other secret relationships?

hes being very illoyal by hinging you, not adding you to social media ev. This is not private it’s secretive and purposely shady.

To be fair to him I do the same. It is rare that anyone I work with know I am married with kids. I literally never talk about them and luckily because of my position if emergencies happen I don’t need to tell my team why or what. It’s nobody’s business and I absolutely worry that as a woman, being a mother works against me in the workplace. It’s also irrelevant so no need. I am in no way ashamed or up to no good.

Next meeting I’d pop my head in and ask what he wants at the shops. When he says after don’t do that, say I’m deeply uncomfortable with how you pretend to be single, so I am doing this to help me be comfortable staying in this relationship. You could fix it easily, but you don’t.

I would never hide my family and nor does dh. I’d start asking your partner to do more pick ups etc where he has to leave at x time, and if you don’t work I’d be looking for work so he can share the kids home sick time etc. Make him an actual dad not a part time dad, plus you need a job with a man like this.

This is definitely not “just being private”. Someone being private would say to that first conversation “oh actually I’m married, I just prefer to keep work and home life separate so don’t talk about it much here” and might ask for a favour for “my child” not “a child”! He sounds like he is deliberately hiding his “married with child” status for sure and I can only think of one reason for that really. Sorry.

I do find it odd. No need to talk about family life but to not correct people when they think you're single is strange. Me and DH are private but inevitably the fact you have a spouse and children does come up sometimes!
I would actually be suspicious (and I'm not a suspicious person). I'd assume there's one particular person he likes or perhaps he wants to appear single to all women.

How does that work when making general polite conversation? If someone asks what you got up to at the weekend, or where you are going on holiday, would you deliberately use "I" instead of "we", or sidestep it altogether? I'm curious!

I had a DH who was secretive in the same way, because he wanted to appear single at work. He also wanted to sleep with half his colleagues.

How do you know his manager is gay btw? Did your husband tell you this….?

Just to say not all people who do this are creepy. Aside from bullying I had a horrible terrifying stalker for years and have a fear of opening up to people at work/new friends, it’s almost automatic. But it doesn’t sound like this is the case with your DH.

Do you also create social media accounts and speak to all your male friends on it, but exclude/ don’t add your husband?

Sounds like he leads a double life

This is definitely odd and can’t be explained by being a private person. That’s not sharing details of your personal life, not your marital status and whether you have children, those aren’t details.

I am private and would have largely kept my relationships to myself at work, but not once I was living with a partner/married to them and certainly not having children (though as a woman in the workplace that’s obviously harder to hide).

I would say one of two things is going on here. He’s a cheat or open to being a cheat. Or, he believes appearing single at work is giving him some sort of advantage professionally that he doesn’t want to lose. What’s the make up of his team? Do many have children? Or do you not know? Does he know about his colleagues lives or are they all as ‘private’ as he is?

Extremely weird and suspicious behaviour on your husband’s part.

If somebody was giving you advice telling you it’s time to settle down and find somebody and advising you how to go about it…would you sit there in silence and let them think you are single?

I worked with a man who made out that he was a single father. His social media also only has images of him, family, friends his daughters. He appears very single. He hit on me and other women and slept with some of them.

Whole time he had a wife.

The only men I know who make a deliberate effort to conceal wives / girlfriends either are ashamed of their wife / girlfriend or want to have sex with other women.

Not volunteering information, only responding if asked, fair enough. Denial is not good, which it seems to be the case.

I can’t believe that you’re write a Christmas card to the whole family of someone you’ve never met, that’s wild

He is compartmentalising his life to such an extent that he's determinedly going out of his way to make sure that nobody he works with has any idea whatsoever that he's married with dc. That isn't what someone who is a 'private' person would do. If asked whether they are in a relationship or have children, they'd just say yes and then change the subject. They wouldn't outright deny it point blank. Private people don't use social media at all. He has it, has friends (female, funny that) on it, but no mention of the family at all.

One can't help wondering why he would put so much effort into hiding his family.

He's almost like a social butterfly at work and talks to everyone yet can't tell people he's married. When it comes to managing work with childcare, he almost throws us out of the room when theres meetings with certain people i.e. this manager and it pisses me off

Very unusual behaviour and not normal at all. At work generally colleagues that you work with closely know whether you're married and have dc. How on earth can he never have mentioned he has a family? And that too for someone who's a social butterfly according to you @Gifgaf. He's not private, that's secretive. And the thing about asking a woman to pretend to be a lead singer to his child whilst not confirming it's his own child, it's so alarming. He's actually going out of his way to avoid acknowledging his own dc. Very duplicitous behaviour.

Have you never been invited to a work event?

I've always hated the "we" thing tbh. Id say I was doing such and such. Although if someone asked me who with id say DP DD DS etc

I don't get this either Why would you write a card on behalf of someone else? Is your DH unable to read and write?

Sounds like he’s gaslighting and hiding his family.

Does he lock the door during these meetings?

I’m one of the unreasonable (and extremely intolerant of bullshit) kind to pick up a couple of the kids and walk in one of those meetings saying hello finally nice to meet you all, I’m the wife and the kids.

Your ‘D’ H sounds like a prick and like he’s hiding something. Perhaps trying to make himself look available to whoever pays attention.

He doesn’t appreciate what he has. You and your children deserve better 💐💜

With everyone except my direct reports I usually use I actually now I think about it. I’m higher up the company ladder than most though (like 99%) so they wouldn’t either ask me or probe to be honest.
Direct reports know I have kids and am married. But don’t talk about my outside work life.

But just had a thought, I wouldn’t deny it if asked outright. That would be odd.
Actually recently I was asked in an interview and I laughed told them and then said luckily I’m recording the meeting with teams as you’ve just opened yourself up to a whole load of bother!