DH says "he's just private"

[Gifgaf]

How private is too private?

DH & I have 3 kids together but it seems everyone outside of his family life barely knows about us.

I overheard a convo once with his manager/friend and she was giving him advise assuming he is a single guy & DH did not correct her to say I am actually married and have kids. Nothing malicious going on with manager as she swings the other way. I was quite upset about it and said to DH you're making me feel like a dirty little secret.

Fastforward our DC is huge fan of this band and someone from his class happens to look like the main girl and I came across some messages where he asks her "would you be able to have a call with a DC who is a big fan etc". Naturally she asked who "your child" and he didn't respond or correct and just say it's for my DC. Which then led me to believe that he's either ashamed or doesn't want to be seen as a married man with kids.

DH claims he's just a private person and doesn't like people knowing about his life. I am private also but I don't not claim to be married or have children. He's very pick and choose who he's sharing this info with.

I find it extremely weird and borderline offensive . Am I being unreasonable?

I wouldn't be happy with this- I don't like "private" men and I am absolutely not a private person myself (think it's a northern thing). Being known as his partner and making it clear that we are in a relationship to his friends and colleagues is very important to me, as well as being very visable as his partner on SM. Also, if I ever get married, he's wearing a wedding ring whether he likes it or not- "I don't like jewellery" is not an excuse and if he refused he'd be dumped asap

This sounds very suspicious op. It’s like he’s keeping his options open like you said you don’t want him walking around saying hey I’m xx I’m married to gif gaf I have kids. You want him to be proud of his family it’s not about privacy he’s hiding you. You need to ask yourself why?

I can understand you being upset about your dh not correcting that he was married. I have the opposite in that my dh has no filter and will tell the most private things to anyone and everyone!

Sorry, but he sounds pretty creepy.......

yeah, very weird.
it's already odd to not mention your family to the point your colleagues don't know of their existence despite otherwise getting on well and chatting with them, but to not actively correct your manager when the perfect opportunity comes up is weird. Managers are supposed to know the basic details of staff's lives (not any huge details) for welfare reasons - what if he has an accident at work, are you his next of kin? Would she believe you if you rang for him in an emergency? what if he needed time off for family business - how weird would it be to ask for time off to look after a child nobody knew you had?

Although tbh the fact that you don't seem to understand how utterly weird it is to ask someone you're doing an evening class with to pretend to be Taylor Swift (or whoever) to trick your dd suggests you are both a bit odd!

A colleague recently came to ask if I've met any fun men on dates lately. I told her that the only dates I've been on has been with my bf of 12 years. I did not feel the need to be private and pretend he does not exist. I am a private person. But absolutely mever mentioning you kids (or wife) is sus af. It takes concious effort to never talk about your kids when having a casual conversation in the office.

the asking someone to pretend to be a celebrity incident wasn't op's idea, it was her husband's. She mentioned it to show how secretive he is that he asked the classmate, 'can you pretend to be X bandleader for a child who's a huge fan' and when the lookalike asked, 'is it your child', he stayed quiet. So even when asked directly he isn't acknowledging his own dc. Vile man

Honestly, @Gifgaf he sounds like a covert narcissist. Google and see if he matches the profile.

Um, I never suggested it was her idea?

It was the way she mentioned it completely off-hand in the OP, and then again, when people queried what she meant, just clarified it like it was a completely normal thing to ask and him not specifying it was for his own child was the only weird part. When the whole thing is odd.

If OP herself thought it was weird she would have said in the first post "He also did this other thing that was already strange in itself...." or similar, or/and when posters said 'um, what? He wanted a random person to pretend to be a celebrity,' taken the opportunity to confirm, 'Yes, I know, I told him how utterly strange and inappropriate it was,' but instead she was just 'Yeah because DD couldn't get tickets,' as if this made perfect sense.

Actually you did directly try to imply that it was also my idea when in fact it wasn't and he doesn't know that I've seen those messages. I have never intentionally tried to gaslight my child about this stuff whereas this is not his first rodeo.

He does very much pick and choose what and who he shares with which I really don't appreciate. I've noticed with the lower ranking colleagues he has no issues if the kids make noise which would confirm he is a father but certain others he will panic out and I just want to shout chill the fuck out it's not a crime to have a family. For a long time I think people thought he was this single father probably having one night stands but we just recently had another baby so he had to take off and finally admit he has a baby on the way which would bring my existence to lif (still not identified as a wife) however, I saw two women had messaged and mentioned that they hope mum and baby are doing ok etc. I find it quite dumb actuallt because acting like you are single and fathering kids does not make you less worthy at work. I am also somewhat private at work but I have mentioned my husband and my kids not by name numerous times so it hurts my feelings he can't do the same. This work stuff has been going on for a while but it was the tone of the second example that really bothered me because I was used to him denying me but never our child outside of work now. I can't understand why from he feels he needs to hide me and now his kids to a bunch of people (mainly girls) he doesn't even work with. We have had argument in the past where I have said I feel he wishes he didn't have this life and would have prefered being a single man doing his own thing. He strong denies but some actions really speak louder than words.

I once went out with a guy for a year and whenever we were out and about and met any of his workmates/friends, he would just introduce me as 'Vroomfondle'. He would NEVER say 'my girlfriend' or 'the woman I am seeing', he would literally just say my name. You could feel waves of confusion coming from the person meeting me and not knowing whether I was his wife, his sister, his girlfriend or his carer. In his case, he was keeping his options open as he considered I wasn't pretty enough for him to be associated with (I later found out).

Oh, @Gifgaf 😟 You can't make someone change, you know? The most you can do is get them to understand the change is your non-negotiable condition - and then what happens is that they make it look like they've changed. That's why we so often hear of cheats going "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be upset". D'you see? All they've taken on board is that they need to be more careful about keeping that side of them hidden.

If your husband wanted to be a family man in all parts of life, he'd be doing it. He isn't.

Concealment seems to be a huge aspect of who he is. It's so natural to him, he lies to the children without a thought. He probably feels like everyone does it, hence he was comfortable asking someone else to lie to DD. Then two of his fictions clashed and he seized up, didn't he? He wanted her to lie to a child, but he has no children ... so why ask this favour? System error!

Your only reasonable dilemma isn't "How can I make him acknowledge us?" but "Am I content to be a hidden wife and my children to be hidden?" If not, you are married to the wrong man.

Can you do a gushing Facebook post about him ?
and give him a large framed picture of your wedding and kids for his desk ?

It won't make any difference. Other people don't care that much. Some of them might talk about it for a day or two because it's weird. Then they'll just shrug and move on - he chooses to act single and fancy-free around them, that's the man they know; not their problem.

He obviously isn't going to plonk a giant family photo on his desk. He doesn't even wear a ring!

Honestly part of me has wanted to but then I've also thought why should I even give him any space in my socials and even if I tag him he probably won't even share so wouldn't make a difference.

You can post on his socials - put a photo/message on fb, you don’t need to tag him just put on his page

If his FB allows others to post on his page AND makes those posts visible to others, he's really bad at this double life business 😂😂 Even I don't allow it, and I barely have one life!

I once knew a man at work who said he wouldn't be in next week as going on holiday.
He later revealed this was to Africa
When later pushed he revealed it was his honeymoon

I worked with someone who booked a couple of days' leave. I asked if he was doing anything nice. He replied "Well, I'm not getting married!" Weird thing to say - could have just said "Not really."

A few days/weeks later, a woman phoned and I took a message as he was out. "Who shall I say called?" "His wife."

He was getting married after all. Weird.

Maybe one of you worked with OP's husband ... ?!

My DH is really private. Most know he's got a wife and child though! The wedding ring is a big clue... Does your DH not wear one?

I'd be worried he has a girlfriend somewhere or feel vaguely uneasy if my DH hadn't mentioned it when it mattered.