After school detention is a thing now?

[PennyWhistleSweet]

My 11 yr old yr 7 son has been issued an after school detention for disrespecting a new teacher.

We never had them at my high school and wanted to know what you all thought of them.

Myself, I'm currently at whits end with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me etc (another thread for another day) so I'm hoping this might give him a bit of a shock.

He's not that into his phone. Banning his skateboard or BMX would be more annoying to him but I like him being out and active.

I can switch off his phone access from mine but when I am alone with the kids on some evenings it's counter productive because he'll become abusive. It's easier to have him away from me on his phone which I know is nt any kind of solution.

I’m sorry that is a hugely naive thing to say!

Please don't bury your head OP, 11 year olds are absolutely looking at porn and incel stuff online. If he can access the internet, he can see that. Perhaps in a less fraught moment, ask him what he knows about Andrew Tate and the like, or check his phone/internet history - you might be surprised.

Yes many schools do after school detentions, if you are in England. In my experience it only stopped during Covid. Some schools had different set ups e.g. lunchtime (had 45mins, 20mins allowed for detentions) for uniform/attendance and after-school for bigger issues and repeated failure to attend lunchtime detentions. I once worked in a school that had Saturday morning detentions with senior management 😯

Would it be helpful to contact the teacher and share some info on adhd and your concerns around PDA if it’s a new teacher they may not be up to speed with your sons needs and PDA techniques , be helpful rather than accusatory

ask the school for help and tell them what’s going on , you have concerns and they can put mentors and counsellors in place

not sure why youre getting a hard time and everyone making out your raising the next Andrew Tate ffs! a adhd teen it’s fucking hard !

Sounds like you like him to be out of your hair of an evening. You need to make the tough call and put up with the shitty mood, we all have to bite that bullet sometimes, that’s parenting.

back the school up here, it’s the right thing to do - not least for your son.

They had them as far back as when I was in school. I never got one but plenty of my peers did.
I think it’s a suitable way for managing behaviour when “in school hours ” detentions aren’t quite cutting it.
Id be deeply concerned about that level of vitriol towards you from a child so young.

Well there’s your problem. You’re ignoring appropriate sanctions and punishments to make life easier on yourself in the immediacy. And all it’s teaching him is that there are no consequences for his actions.

Have you checked on his internet history to see what he is reading? At 11 he is old enough to get sucked into the Andrew Tate madness.

Yes, definitely this.

I think you need to be looking at what he’s accessing online, there’s a lot of incel content out there and they try to hook them in early, he may have heard about from friends at school.

So how come he's:

a Been accessing age inappropriate websites?

b Still has the phone?

Was a thing in the 90s at all four secondary school myself and siblings attended.

Back to the original detention issue, it seems like it was only my high school that didn't do them.

I know I've got to do better. Giving in for peace is something we all do from time to time.

Phone access is the wrong thing to ‘give in’ on. And you’re only teaching him that if he’s violent he gets what he wants whuch is an awful lesson to learn at 11.

Why on earth are you putting up with disrespect at this level???

All internet, other than school work sites, gone.
All electronics, gone.
All extras, gone.
Chore list formalised.
Manners required.
Or other things tart going, too.

As hard as it will be - you absolutely need to issue and carry out sanctions for his shocking behaviour . You need a united front as parents, and your husband needs to step up and make it clear to your son that his assaults on you will not be accepted.
If you take the easy option of not banning/removing privileges at 11 - you will stand no chance at all when he is older.
involve the police if necessary.

Yes they are still a thing, my nephews are often obliging!

I’m 36 and it was a thing when I was at school.

Had many after school detentions when I was younger. I left secondary school in 2013, so has definitely been a thing for many years.

He's an adolescent, FFS. He's exactly at the age where this kind of attitude towards women often becomes noticeable.

I taught in secondary school for 40 yrs. The boys who exhibited a negative attitude towards young female teachers tended to be those who were also bullying their mothers.

If you don't hold a firm line now, OP, it's going to get worse - for you, not for school staff.

As others have suggested, blocking Snapchat is not enough. He should never have been able to use it in the first place. You need to stop his internet access - at least for a defined period of time. He'll throw a temper tantrum over that, but it's up to you and your husband to weather it.

Yep also a 60s child so secondary school from 1976. After school detentions were standard. Most of the children were bussed in from outlying farms so parents had to collect them. Dare say they got a clip round the ear when they got home. We still had the cane then so detention was a softer option.

After school detentions were standard at my school, was 3pm - 4:15pm. Lunch was only 30 minutes and never used for detention.

How do you know that he's not 'looking at porn or incel stuff'?