Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After school detention is a thing now?

427 replies

PennyWhistleSweet · 29/04/2025 13:22

My 11 yr old yr 7 son has been issued an after school detention for disrespecting a new teacher.

We never had them at my high school and wanted to know what you all thought of them.

Myself, I'm currently at whits end with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me etc (another thread for another day) so I'm hoping this might give him a bit of a shock.

OP posts:
Grammarnut · 29/04/2025 16:14

If after school detentions are a thing again, it's a good thing. Inconvenienced parents should be ramming home that good behaviour in school and out of it is a requirement.
Why are you letting your eleven year old swear at you? Sanction him big time till he stops it. Take away screen time, clubs, any activities he does, favourite food etc - all of these are contingent on behaving in a respectful way to a parent (who is paying for them).

Smellslikeburnttoat · 29/04/2025 16:15

You can decline consent. They don’t have a legal right to enforce without your consent. He can lose his lunch breaks instead. Ignore the school if they claim consent is not required, the law is clear.

RareGoalsVerge · 29/04/2025 16:15

An after school detention is far too lenient for that shocking behavior.

Yes afterschool detentions were a definite thing in my school in the 80s/90s, and they are a thing at my DCs school. They aren't unusual. But that kind of misogynistic agression is far beyond the kind of offense that detentions are given for, and you should be grateful he isn't being expelled. He probably will be expelled sooner or later if he doesn't learn to control his repellant attitude.

If it's difficult/expensive to sort out travel home after a detention then your son should bear the full cost and impact of that by e.g. either having to do additional chores at home to earn back the cost, or valuable things he owns being sold.

Iammatrix · 29/04/2025 16:15

CloudywMeatballs · 29/04/2025 15:45

Why on earth was your 11 year old ("He's 11 FFS") on Snapchat or TikTok to start with?

He doesn't need a smartphone. He absolutely shouldn't be allowed on social media at the age of 11.

Absolutely!

But I think many 11 year olds are.

Tiredalwaystired · 29/04/2025 16:15

JacquesHarlow · 29/04/2025 13:33

This isn't your magazine. You can't tell me @WaryExpert some arbitrary style guide. If I "sic" someone that's my choice when rendering reported speech.

As for "dear", what does the popular Mumsnet acronym "ODFOD" mean then?

Show quote history

Not the point but I’ve been staring at this acronym for ten minutes and I’ve got nothing…

Grammarnut · 29/04/2025 16:15

PennyWhistleSweet · 29/04/2025 13:34

I have no idea where or how this language and behaviour have started. As I said, he's always been so lovely but I strongly suspect he has PDA.

I think that lunch detention would be as effected with less of an impact on the parents.

The point of an after school detention is its effect on the parents.

narkyspirit · 29/04/2025 16:15

after school detention should be something and it should be a inconvenience to your child if it in turn causes you an inconvenience then so be it.

Maybe some proper discipline from you would fix the issue? You need to get this behaviour under control

CloudywMeatballs · 29/04/2025 16:15

Iammatrix · 29/04/2025 16:15

Absolutely!

But I think many 11 year olds are.

Show quote history

I fear you're right and it's so disheartening.

JacquesHarlow · 29/04/2025 16:16

Tiredalwaystired · 29/04/2025 16:15

Not the point but I’ve been staring at this acronym for ten minutes and I’ve got nothing…

Show quote history

Apologies @Tiredalwaystired - it's not an acronym:

sic1
/sɪk/
adverb

used in brackets after a copied or quoted word that appears odd or erroneous show that the word is quoted exactly as it stands in the original

RavenclawWitchy · 29/04/2025 16:17

Parent your child. I can tell you now if any of my children(14 & 15) even slightly backchatted me phones and tech would be gone. Calling me a fucking bitch or being violent to me would have their rooms stripped to bed only and they would have to earn back every single thing. Makeup, phone, pcs, etc.
Fortunately for them the most they do is mutter under their breath which only results in a timed tech ban depending on the situation.

No teacher wants to spend their time after the school day end in detention OP. After school detentions have always been a last resort so if your son is having an individual one he must have been be a right shit.

Teachers do not report every transgression to parents in secondary only the major ones so you saying he's normally well behaved in school doesn't mean anything.

BuildbyNumbere · 29/04/2025 16:17

PennyWhistleSweet · 29/04/2025 14:31

I am constantly stepping up and being a parent but it's bloody hard when you get spat at, kicked, name called and flinch when he approaches you. I am not just letting this slide.

Why on earth are you scared of your 11 year old son … you need to grow a back bone and get him under control before it’s too late! I can’t believe there haven’t been signs before this or that he hasn’t been allowed to get away with certain behaviour.

sesquipedalian · 29/04/2025 16:17

“I'm currently at whits end with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me”

I’d be far more worried about this than the fact that he’s been put in detention - is it possible that the detention’s as a result of “attitude” towards this teacher? What are you doing, OP, to address your child’s poor behaviour and bad language? Is it because you have said “No” to him? You and your DH need to present a united front - it’s utterly unacceptable for an eleven year old to use language like this to his mother. You don’t need to get angry - explain that actions have consequences, and perhaps institute a swear jar, where he is fined for bad language (I assume he has pocket money) - and maybe think of a way he can earn it back if he’s lost it, so that it’s not just one way.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 29/04/2025 16:17

Heronwatcher · 29/04/2025 15:11

I for one am happy that the school seem to be setting boundaries here.

All this bleating about parents working etc, unless you live in the middle of the Cairngorms the kid can catch a bus, 3 if necessary or wait until the parents finish on a bench outside school. If they are old enough to get themselves in trouble they can deal with the consequences.

Some children can't catch a bus alone - DS is driven to and from school, but he wouldn't have the first clue where to catch a bus or what bus to catch, and it's 5 and a half miles from where we live.

BuildbyNumbere · 29/04/2025 16:17

Our school are about to introduce Saturday detentions … so you can look forward to that in the future!

BuildbyNumbere · 29/04/2025 16:22

PennyWhistleSweet · 29/04/2025 15:30

He's 11! He isn't looking at porn or incel stuff. He chats with his friends and plays games.

His dad is very verbally strict and sometimesatches our son shoves at me by doing the same to our son which I don't like as I don't believe violence solves violence. Dh has a very short temper so Ds knows that he will react if he's there.

Seriously … don’t be so naive, have you checked his phone.
This is why teen girls are experiencing so many issues with boys nowadays, because of mums like this!!!!
And his dad sounds like a charmer … son obviously going to follow his lead then.

mezlou84 · 29/04/2025 16:22

I'm 40 and had an after school detention every Friday for an hour from yr 7 to yr 11 because I never did my homework 😂. Definitely not a new concept. All we ever did was mess about and if we felt like it did a little bit of homework. Teacher was prepping their next week's work so if we weren't running riot they left us to it. It was never a deterrent.

ClawsandEffect · 29/04/2025 16:24

Finallydoingit24 · 29/04/2025 14:21

To be violent towards your mum and call her a fucking bitch? No it isn’t. Plus he’s 11 and not a teenager.

Show quote history

No, fair enough. But a massive change in personality in teen years is very normal.

Balloonhearts · 29/04/2025 16:26

My eldest swore at me once and once only. Showing off in front of his sniggering mates, I think he was about 12. I pulled him up on it, smacked his backside and sent him crying to his room. Then I turned to his mates and told them they could show some respect or go home. I won't be spoken to like that, certainly not in my own house, by a bunch of children.

He never spoke to me like that again.

Honestly don't know why anyone would allow their kids to treat them like that.

Greypanda86 · 29/04/2025 16:26

I had after school detentions when I was a kid at school and my kids school has them now, I don’t see a problem with it

BuildbyNumbere · 29/04/2025 16:27

ThisWOMANWontWheesht · 29/04/2025 15:44

That’s a horrific thing to happen, and I’m sorry to hear it, but one child per year killed (from the same school!) I find a little hard to believe.
The parents, staff and the whole community would be up in arms if that were the case. People would refuse to send their kids to school.

Show quote history

100% … where on earth would it be acceptable for one child to be killed outside a school each year and nothing be done about it. Everyone just accepts it … oh, was it your kid this year?? 🤦🏻‍♀️
This sounds like rubbish!

travelallthetime · 29/04/2025 16:28

PennyWhistleSweet · 29/04/2025 13:26

I was at school in the late 90s early 2000s. Always during lunch. Me and my husband work full time so could be tricky in future.

No I haven't taken away all internet. I've blocked some social media accounts.

if my son called me a fucking bitch his whole world would be lost

monkeysox · 29/04/2025 16:28

PennyWhistleSweet · 29/04/2025 13:22

My 11 yr old yr 7 son has been issued an after school detention for disrespecting a new teacher.

We never had them at my high school and wanted to know what you all thought of them.

Myself, I'm currently at whits end with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me etc (another thread for another day) so I'm hoping this might give him a bit of a shock.

You need to enforce some consequences at home too.

monkeysox · 29/04/2025 16:29

travelallthetime · 29/04/2025 16:28

if my son called me a fucking bitch his whole world would be lost

Show quote history

This. Little shit.

Endofyear · 29/04/2025 16:34

Yes we had after school detentions when I was at school in the 1980s. It's not a new thing. I hope you've also given him severe consequences for his behaviour towards you. I've had 5 sons, all adults now, and I was a pretty laid back parent but one thing I would not tolerate is rudeness and disrespectful behaviour towards me. I would point out to him that all the privileges that he has - money, phone, activities, having his friends round, giving lifts etc are all things that you don't have to do and that you will be withdrawing all those things until he treats you with the respect you deserve. Stick to your guns.

cabbageking · 29/04/2025 16:37

School do not need parents consent in England

Swipe left for the next trending thread