MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

[WingardiumDoubleToaster]

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

@WingardiumDoubleToaster and you want them more involved??? why???????????? your mil sounds like she would be a nightmare if you allowed her to be involved at all! your partner/husband most likely already knows this!

My parents didn't get involved in my pregnancy, which didn't bother me at all. If I'd needed help, I'm sure they would have obliged. Otherwise, maybe they think no news is good news?

I’d be delighted with that OP!
My MIL took sudden interest in me when I was pregnant, she os a lovely woman but I felt quite suffocated with it all and wished she just treated me as before.
I don’t think your In laws are dping anything wrong

I certainly have low expectations of my own in-laws. Had this been otherwise I'd have ended up quite disappointed.

An interesting take that I hadn’t thought of. 😂 See, they’ve been a bit… unusual since I’ve been pregnant, but I do very much love them. I call my MIL “mummy no.2” jokingly, and she calls SIL (my BIL’s gf and me) “her little ladies.” I guess this is why I’m disappointed in the lack of care recently, especially through a challenging pregnancy. Some people here have just sort of fabricated assumed that I don’t bother with her at all yet all of a sudden expect the earth, and that isn’t quite right.

I’m certainly not asking for anyone to “fawn” over me, but yes the latter part there is a gripe of mine here. I think having it both ways is a bit unfair.

They sound pretty rude and rather unbearable. Obviously, they know the baby doesn't look anything like you as they told you that when they saw the scan photo!

Once the baby is born, I would be as helpful and kind to them as they have been to you during your pregnancy. Let them reap what they have sown.

Why have you not asked why they aren't inviting you and your Dh round anymore or spending time witj you!? Sorry, I can't get my head aroudn this - the more you talk the more it sounds liek you had a good relationship, it suddenly stopped, and no one has put any effort into figuring out why.

You're definitely expecting too much here. If you want excitement and reactions to scan pics, you need to send them through a shared WhatsApp group. We have one (created by my husband) called Hello Nanny and Pops. All scans were sent through this and photos are still sent frequently even 2 years later.

I hold my hands up I was one of them people but now you’ve explained more I can understand how you’re feeling. The sudden disinterest along with declining invites to meet up, not even checking in despite being grandparents of the year earlier on in your pregnancy.

DH needs to speak to his parents before baby arrives so that everything is clear and sorted before baby arrives x

Pot, Kettle, Black.

As a MIL whose DIL is expecting her first baby , I feel I can’t do or say anything right . As I have a great relationship with both my DD’ s husbands , it has been a bit of a challenge !
If I ask questions ( even innocuous ones like how are you feeling ?) I am overstepping but if I don’t say anything I am accused of not being interested !

I don't have a FIL but my MIL has never directly texted me about anything let alone to check in when I was pregnant. My DD is 5 and we're married.

They've given you presents, replied about scans etc so I think YABU to expect more.

YANBU to want to impose boundaries about who visits you in hospital and when though.

I know. DH has offered. I just don’t want it to turn into a big “thing”, you know? Or for them to think I’ve “put him up to it”. Certainly not right now. I could do without it. Equally, I wanted to know, first and foremost, what the general concensus was.

I set up a little family one a few years back and they said they didn’t like group chats. Admittedly, this was way before baby, but they did signal they didn’t want a GC.

I can understand this, and I’m sorry you feel this way. I do hope my thread doesn’t exacerbate your feelings, as obviously each case is so individual. It’s just that for me we’ve always been reasonably close (IMO at least) and they seem to have pulled back more than ever since I’ve been pregnant, during a time when I probably needed them more. Simultaneously they’ve had a lot of strong… thoughts… on baby’s name etc etc, so it just doesn’t make sense to me or seem quite fair.

My in-laws do too but it's a bit different when it's just photos of their grandchildren. They love it as they can show friends etc. lots of recent photos. There's basically no chat at all in the group.

Sorry, quoted the wrong post!

My in-laws don’t turn up for my birthday, neither do my parents! Pregnancy isn’t really interesting for most people. I have such a close relationship with my parents and in-laws and I don’t remember any check ins. I phoned my parents and had regular conversations. We occasionally saw the in laws and had regular conversations.

Sounds like she's going to be a boundry busting nightmare.

You’re pregnant not dying, what do you need to be checked in on by your in laws for? You’re not the first woman in the world to have some medical complications in pregnancy either. You’re an adult and have your own support by the sounds of it.

I get it might be a nice thing to do but not everyone is programmed this way. Perhaps they are showing their interest by buying things etc.

Only time this would bother me is if my partner was upset by their behaviour or being unsupportive towards him.

I’ve had two ectopics, a MMC and gone through IVF, think I got some flowers once after the MMC from partners mum, no one else on their side has ever asked me how I am or said they are sorry for my loss. They have however supported partner and that’s the main thing - I have my own support. It’s unthoughtful but it’s the way they are and you just have to accept it.

In laws don't get a say in when you're ready for sleepovers, baby's name or what school you choose. It's exciting to discuss these things, and they might just be excited but I'd be a bit worried about those kinds of comments. So start asserting yourself now, "I'm not sure when I'll be ready to leave her overnight.." etc..

Also, maybe it's a good time to set up a family group chat for sending pictures of the baby so you are included.

You are pregnant not ill. I'm sure they would rally round if things were not going well. Overthinking going on here I would saay.

They have showed every other year in the 10 years I’ve known them, though… We invite them around; they say they’re busy. I know pregnancy isn’t necessarily “interesting”, hence why I’ve said that I don’t want princess treatment, but I haven’t had an easy pregnancy and they seem to have pulled away more despite knowing this. All the while, having very strong opinions about things which, really, should only be down to DH and I (name, school, when they can sleep over etc). And if pregnancy isn’t interesting, nor should the birth part be in my opinion! It’s a vulnerable time for mums, not a spectator sport. 😂