MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

[WingardiumDoubleToaster]

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

Stop reminding your husband to contact his parents. Let him manage his own relationship. If he's 'forgetting' maybe he just has a good sense of self preservation

Be glad she's not messaging you. You do not want to be the point of contact for your MIL if she's already calling your unborn baby "her girl"

Also consider moving about 2 hours away for your growing family's sanity

My MIL had a very overbearing MIL herself, so she actively tries to step back so she doesn't come across that way. She's always excited to see our children, will always help if we ask, but she waits for us to involve her. Could it be something like this? Maybe she doesn't want to be seen as being too pushy.

The toxic comment from MIL about "ginger" baby presents and obvious (albeit nuclear) option.

Just agree with DH
1.No-one is told when you go to hospital for the birth - we only did this for DC2 &3 as had arranged for my parents to do childcare

1. DH will phone his parents after baby is born to tell them that baby is, as they feared, auburn haired (even if not the case although lucky girl if she is, of course) thus the grandparents obviously won't be wanting any details or to visit due to previous decision announced at Christmas to disown a "ginger" grandchild.

This second bullet has really ticked me 😂

@1mabon OP has said this had been a difficult pregnancy including having to go to hospital.

yep! 100% agree.

the poster asking why you would want more contact was spot on IMO! They sound rude and seem to be constantly stepping over boundaries… which won’t get better!!

I understand that going from being close to being treated like the redheaded stepchild / incubator of „her“ girl must feel horrible. But I really do suspect that now is the time to put down to get some distance between you and start having boundaries. Your DH should be the one doing most of that, btw.

oh, and stop reminding me to send scan pictures etc. It’s not your job to facilitate closeness when they treat you like this.

This has made me feel quite emotional (granted, not hard these days 😂), because I do love them but unfortunately I think you might be right. Yeah, DH is quite good at setting boundaries when needed. It’s usually me saying “no, just leave it, I don’t want to upset them etc.”

You mention they range between showing YOU no interest - and staking a claim on how things will be with the BABY. I can see how you'd feel like an incubator.

If there are differences between how they treat you and BIL's GF, there could be a lot of things going on.

You may just be wrong.
Or they may feel more at ease with her.
Or she is around more if she doesn't work, so they've built more of a relaxed relationship.

Whatever, give it a few days before you tell them the baby's been born. Wait til you're back home and feeling up to visitors. Have your routine and your plans decided.

If the people who've kept you at arms length suddenly appear now there's an interesting new arrival, then you have your answer.

All very fair points, thank you!

Personally, I think they've shifted how they think about you from "son's wife" to "grandbaby incubator"

Lower your expectations and create distance.

If they live minutes away, surely you see them sometimes and there is no need for texts.

They are probably keeping fingers crossed and not wanting to stress you with questions.

Mine never checked on me, they saw me and knew I was OK. I would have told them had there been a problem.

It’s the inconsistencies though… how they are with me now vs in the past; me vs how they treated BIL’s gf while pregnant; and finally vs their (seemingly) expecting to be very very heavily involved in LO’s life and the decisions around her.

And I know I’m not the “first woman in the world to have medical complications during pregnancy”, but, for example, my DM wasn’t the first person in the world to have cancer, but it didn’t mean I cared any less?? And FWIW when we experienced our own losses in the past they were very supportive then.

Maybe they are trying to be respectful and give you space... you sound a bit needy tbh.

This thread is making me remember how much people get obsessed with who the baby looks like. My MIL and SIL favourite subject was how much by DD2 looks like various members of their family. She really doesn’t but the speculation keeps them happy. It always irked me but I think it’s because I think she looks like me. We all want to stake our biological claim! It’s weird but natural.

yeah sorry but YABU! maybe they are disinterested because you are? you say your DH sends all the scan pics etc.. why could you not have sent them?

relationships are two way streets you know, you can't have it all your own way

Why is it expected that the woman sends them?? We both work full time and he is the baby’s father. I reach out to them in general, but I don’t see any issue with a dad sending scan pictures of his baby to his own mother? I don’t see how that should mean they don’t ask if I’m okay once or twice.

I’m with the OP - it’s weird for them to not once have text and asked how you are or if you need anything.

I’m expecting DC2 and my in laws have been the same; quite odd and cold, I think. It’s not overbearing to ask how you are once or twice!

I’d be careful OP about your MIL, in other ways she sounds a nightmare- “my girl”, and stating when she’ll sleep over. No. Get DH to put down boundaries now. For the first few months the baby shouldn’t leave your side, and your ILs need to realise this is their grandchild, not child. Be firm or they’ll walk all over you.

Yeah, MIL at one point also said “maybe she’ll have green eyes, like me.” I have green eyes. 😂 It’s a funny old thing isn’t it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Perhaps people who think you are wrong don't come from close families and have not had family support themselves. I'm actually a bit sad for you as you genuinely seem to want a loving relationship with your PIL esp at a times when you're so vulnerable. During my pregnancies my MIL, FIL, SIL all checked in via text and calls as they live many hours away and offered to come support when baby was born. It's strange they aren't being caring and considerate, almost like your MIL doesn't want to give you any attention since being pregnant is about the mum and the wonderful job you are doing growing a whole little human 😊

ah and here lies the problem. you immediatly go on the defesive 'why should i make all the effort!' maybe they do as your DH how you are? he simply forgets to tell you? you really do sound hard work and i am guessing there is a drip feed here to do with your relationship with your in laws

Thank you! I do think sometimes people project their own experiences onto threads, which I appreciate is only natural sometimes. But in my case we’ve always enjoyed a very good relationship, and so I do feel a bit sad about it. Thank you for understanding!

What?? You’re assuming a heck of a lot here. I have always had a very good relationship with my ILs and I don’t mean I would begrudge sending them - I’ve reached out to PILs lots while I’ve been pregnant - I’m more so questioning the expectation behind “it must be the woman who sends them or else she has a problem.” I don’t see what is wrong with a father sending his mother scans of his own baby. I often remind him to do so when we come back from appts. I think it’s nice for him to share them with her.

I don’t think my in laws contacted me once when I was pregnant? They are now involved and loving GPs, but they are not my direct family so it’s understandable they did not want to be super involved in my private medical stuff. I also would have hated having to keep them appraised of my private medical stuff so maybe your in laws are simply giving you space? You seem to think of the child as an extension of you and though that is understandable they are not excited about you, they are excited to meet a new family member who they will forge individual relationships with, separate to existing relationship with you. Try and be grateful your daughter will have loving gps and don’t expect too much from them re: you.

being treated like this by loved ones is hurtful.
I believe that you ought to be kind to yourself and let yourself grief (if you want / need to).

And please take the time to fully comprehend and internalise that it isn’t your responsibility to facilitate a relationship with your in-laws. And it definitely isn’t your responsibility to preserve the peace (telling your DH to leave it) when they’re treating you unkindly or trampling over your boundaries!

having a partner that’s good at setting boundaries is crucial when dealing with overbearing (controlling, toxic <= choose whatever term you prefer) in-laws. And you seem to be getting a lot of love and support from your own DP. So that’s quite a lovely support network. Maybe it’s time to actually let them support you (let DH have the uncomfortable conversations, set boundaries etc…)

good luck!!💐

edit: oh, and stop reminding me HIM to send scan pictures etc. It’s not your job to facilitate closeness when they treat you like this.

not me, obviously 😅

YANBU OP and you’ve had a hard time in here. I suspect your MIL sees you as the incubator and nothing else. She’s not invited you round or been interested in you, because she is only interested now in the baby.

You’ll need some firm boundaries. Your PIL don’t get to dictate your baby’s name, school, overnight stays with them or anything else. Your daughter is your girl and their DGD, not “their baby”
or “their girl”.

No one gets to come to the hospital unless and until you’re happy. No labouring woman wants to know their PIL are about to barge in to see the baby before she’s had a chance to clean up, recover and hold her own newborn!

And that comment about hair colour was downright mean. It’s not a coincidence she said it whilst your DH was out of the room.