MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

[WingardiumDoubleToaster]

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

This in spades. I also wouldn't care about the checking in so much - but it certainly doesn't help to make you feel like you're just an incubator for THEIR grandbaby during this weird and vulnerable time.

I'm surprised how many people are glossing over the other stuff in the comments. They're deciding when they're going to visit you in hospital / what the baby should be called / when baby is going to stay over at theirs (WTF how is that their decision?). That sorta stuff would piss me off greatly - and did, with my own MIL who was extremely overbearing (did not give the tiniest shit how I was doing though, literally told me multiple times she as only visiting to see the baby etc). Damaged our already shaky relationship hugely and I now don't have much contact with them. Pity as I would've liked the arrival of the next generation to have brought us closer together.

OP, it sounds like your husband is a reasonable sort who will hopefully have your back. Postpartum is such a wild ride and you'll need him to buffer between you and the batshittery that I fear may be heading your way.

Edit: failed to quote earlier comment, oops.

I felt exactly like an incubator with my in laws. They had no interest in me and actually repeatedly asked me to leave their house when we visited with my first newborn - and repeatedly said they wanted me to leave the baby with them, the baby preferred them etc, despite baby being just days old. It felt awful.

Unfortunately for them my DD looks identical to me and has my personality... Now she's older and that's become apparent they've pretty much lost interest in her and I've not heard anything from them or had any contact or gifts, or asked to see scan photos etc for my second pregnancy. Despite the fact that I've been so unwell I've been in and out of hospital this time - no word from them

The main thing is as long as your DH supports you, stop wanting their approval. I'm not saying be unkind or malicious, just focus on yourself, your little family and your support system. Leave them to your husband and tune out any complaints from them. Their approval and opinions are irrelevant to you.

It's hard to know OP, but it doesn't sound like you have much of 'just pop in' type relationship with them?

You mention you hosting or them hosting you (mostly them hosting you), but it sounds quite formal, and it sounds like you would only ring MIL if you have something to offer (a lift, help with something), never just to see how she is? In which case there is no precedent for her to ring you to see how you are either, and that hasn't changed with being pregnant, your DH has been updating them, so there is no open channel of communication with you anyway.

If you want genuine easy going relationships with people, both sides need to work at it, you can't just not bother with them and then wonder why they aren't bothering with you. We have this dynamic in our own family to a certain extent, and IMO the only ones complaining that "no one bothers with them" are the worst culprits for making zero effort day to day.. like you could not see or hear from them for months unless they need something, they never invite anyone round or suggest going out anywhere, never ring up just for a chat etc.. it's like a void unless it is you putting all the effort in, they either don't realise or just can't be bothered, but either way it is hard work being on the other side of that.

You get back what you put in normally.

Sounds like a case of wanting to have their cake and eat it. I'd be putting in boundaries for when the baby is born. Personally I've never been convinced that you can be a good grandparent whilst treating the child's mum poorly.

Also adding, if you are not close, then are you comfortable having someone barge into the room right after labor?

You need to make it clear with DH when they are allowed in. It's ultimately a major medical process for you.

It would be different if you were close and WANTED her to stick her head in right afterwards.

Mine did a lot for me and checked in. They live much closer than my mum (my mum is an 7 hour drive away, it takes her 6 but she’s a speed demon) and my MIL in particular was really helpful when I was horrifically morning sick. My own mother was just like “Yhe I was morning sick as well lol it will be a bumpy ride” so I was very thankful. However we always did a lot for them over our relationship like helping renovate and dog sit ect. I am form a very close family so I always actively tried to marry into another close family because it’s a big deal for me.

Your MiL was being considerate when she asked you whether she could tell a particular person before doing so. They've also given you various gifts for the baby. It's possible that they are treading a fine line here rather than risk being 'interfering', and I'd rather have them this way than overly pushy.

However. It appears that they are doing that, too. The baby isn't even born and already they are giving their very decided input on names, schools and overnight stays. As for coming to the hospital immediately, my MiL tried that trick and DH set her straight without even needing to speak to or involve me. It was an instant response borne out of complete surprise: along the lines of laughter and 'are you joking?'

MiL can make things as clear as she likes: those boundaries are for you to set in ways with which you and DH alone are comfortable. I suggest having that conversation with him sooner rather than later.

There's a lot of balance and a fine line to be trodden here. You don't want to alienate them but you are the mother, not an incubator (and I do very much understand why you are presently feeling like this). The baby is not MiL's interpretation of 'my girl' (bit of a warning flag there) - she is your child and will be raised according to your rules.

I hope the remainder of your pregnancy runs smoothly and that your DH has your back.

Am glad to read these comments ! In MN world ,people have very low expectations from fellow human beings ! In the real world that I live in ,it would be a perfectly normal expectation that friends,family etc at least ask how you are occasionally and ask about general baby stuff 🤷‍♀️

I don’t know if my parents or in-laws did much ‘reaching out’ or ‘checking in’ when I was pregnant. Life continued as normal with no fuss.

I think the issue may or may not be pregnancy related, but it's got nothing to do with them not "checking in" with you. If, pre pregnancy, you saw them regularly, were invited over etc, and that has now stopped, THAT is the issue surely. It may well be that it has stopped because ofyour pregnancy. It might be something completely unrelated. But for whatever reason, they have withdrawn. So I would 100% not expect my MIL to send me text messages while pregnant etc, but then, if she lived a few minutes down the road, I WOULD expect to be seeing her and talking to her in passing on a regular basis.

Personally, I think your Dh should say something, "Mum and dad, we've noticed you're not keen on comign over here and we haven' tbeen invited to yours much the last year - is something going on? have we made you feel like we don't want to spend time witn you or have we upset you in some way?"

Because you can't address the issues with them seeming to be all over grandchild, if you haven' tfirst addressed whatever's goign on between the adults.

You’re pregnant and priority should be you and bubba .. don’t get stressed .. it’s essential
Congratulations

This thread just proves that in-laws can do nothing right! What's too much and what's too little? Dealing with DILs is a bit like walking through a mine-field on MN!

Yes this!

Kindly I think the above is the perfect response. I’d be surprised if you were meeting at each others houses every few weeks but you live a couple of minutes away and haven’t seen each other in 5 months? Why is that?

Being a mum myself I know that your pregnancy is the most important thing right now in your life but most people (in some situations the parents of the unborn child too) don’t bond or have interest until baby is here. Every baby looks the same in scan photos.

I have no in-laws (dead) and when I was pregnant my mother never called me, I only called her (she is on a different country and in 35 years of this being the case she has never called me once, so that is not unusual, I would never have expected her to). Nice and calm, no hassles.

Adding to my comment they haven’t seen you since 4 months pregnant? I’m really interested to know why you hardly see each other

Just normal contact and conversation. Not specifically asking about the baby.

I’ve responded and said we did before I was pregnant. We have also continued to invite them/text them etc. They’re also aware that I’ve had a difficult pregnancy with health challenges.

Maybe the SIL messaged the MIL directly and MIL feels it's okay to text back and forwards.
as the messages are coming from your DH maybe she doesn't feel she has that same rapport.

It's not weird to send scan photos to your family FGS. MN is a different world sometimes.

My in laws definitely treated me like an incubator and still do to this day. They will speak to my children and never to me, when my son was a baby they would ask him questions and expect him to answer 😂 its the only time they were ever interested in anything i had to say when i was answering for my baby. In laws also made these stupid assumptions a out having baby stay over etc, never spoke to me about their assumptions, think “im not interested in you but give me the baby” don’t be a doormat, remind them that you are a living breathing human being responsible for giving life to their grandchild and to please treat you accordingly

I’d let this go to be honest - but get ready to deal with the rubbish that they’re already signalling. Decide now how you’re handling the hospital and name announcements. DH said no to his parents coming two hours after DS1 was born as I’d had a second degree tear. He said they were welcome the next day - they were a bit upset as they had a wedding that day but he held firm. We made it clear in a joky kind of way beforehand that we were deciding on names and would entertain no suggestions. Schools can wait …

In my case, however, my in-laws are very much alive and we usually (pre-pregnancy) benefit from a fairly close (see them frequently) relationship.

I have never been pregnant. But I suspect that her opinions would great annoy me.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

this sounds like too much to me.

I don’t think you’re reasonable to expect more.
But I would expect less of this.
Especially if you two aren’t particularly close / she is not involved in your „pregnancy journey“ (I’m using pregnancy journey due to lacking a better term right now. I’m aware that it sounds potentially wanker-ish…)

Ok, sorry I should have read the whole thread.

I think your DH needs to reach out and ask why the sudden disinterest and also set boundaries for when baby is here x