MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

[WingardiumDoubleToaster]

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

No. To be honest, I’ve told him not to ask as I feel they’ll just think I’ve put him up to it. It’s a classic one really isn’t it. And I hate conflict - I certainly don’t want any right now. Equally, was interested in public opinion RE how I’ve been feeling about it.

I an only imagine what it's going to be like when you give birth OP.....set some boundaries right now and make mil and fil aware! Because I have a feeling they will most definitely test them boundaries and postpartum can be quite emotional and stressful. You need support....I'm surprised they haven't been in touch but yes you are most definitely correct....mil will probably try and take over when baby is here. Talk to your husband so you're on the same page. And good luck with the rest of your pregnancy....motherhood is a wonderful thing xx

Same for me, in the last couple of months I’ve had a Sainsbury’s worker (don’t think I’ve ever spoken to her before), come up to me and say “oh lovely another bun in the oven, how are you getting on” 😂 and guy at the farmers market gave me two extra burgers to “fatten me up because I’m eating for two”! Similarly I chatted with a woman at my son’s nursery who I’d never seen before who I could see was pregnant as well and I asked her how she was getting on and we had a lovely chat about the perils of being heavily pregnant with a toddler!

The self-absorption is strong...

I think it’s odd OP, my late MIL was very involved when I had my two DS, she was even at the birth of DS1. She was like a mum to me rather than a MIL. Miss her every day.

I think that you need to have some very robust plans in place here when the baby comes. You’ve got to ask yourself how they’re trying to make you feel with comments like these. It’s very hard to have people who delight in insulting you hold your baby.

advice we were given: you can’t stop your mother from wanting to be a bitch to your wife but you can mitigate the impact. We scored them out of 10 - for effort and impact of their comments. It worked really really well. They rarely bother to be mean now as it doesn’t get them whatever it used to as I don’t care. I just need to apply the same to my family - but the trouble is I do still care! My mother called me a failure the other day. A joke apparently!

With my in-laws. We do still see them but not in our house or theirs. That’s worked well. We also never let the kids be alone with them. The kids still struggle with them a little bit we’ve explained more as they’ve got to teen years. My in laws used to hit my DH until he was old enough to physically stop them so that’s a clear cut situation that our kids can understand.

@WingardiumDoubleToaster are they still doing BBQs etc and just not inviting you, or have they gone quiet on the whole hosting thing? If their behaviour has changed completely I am surprised DH hasn't checked to see that they are okay (and not just asking why you haven't been invited to anything)

It doesn’t sound like you are close at all . What do you mean you even reached out to her for her birthday and Mother’s Day during your pregnancy? I mean, why would being pregnant hold you back ? It’s not an illness . You make it sound like you did her a favour .

Perhaps they made a lot of effort to check in with SIL’s pregnancy and were told to back off? So with yours they’ve kept a respectful distance. In laws can’t win. Everyone has different preferences and no one knows what you want unless you say it out loud.

From your post it seems they are excited about the baby. They respond to the messages your DH sends (notice that you say it’s him who sends all the messages so you’ve set the precedent there - they respond to him). They have given you baby clothes. They’ve shown interest and excitement about meeting the baby after she arrives.

Begond that, what interest would you expect? You are not sick, you are pregnant. Sorry to say that to other people it’s boring until the baby arrives. The only things happening at the moment involve your body - and if in laws were asking you questions about your body you’d probably think they were overstepping.

I'm an incubator too. It's quite insulting really. BUT I didn't mind that they didn't take an interest in my pregnancy at all. I think I would definitely have found it weirder if they had. We also didn't share scan photos or any news, we just got on with it. My MIL is an old battleaxe and I am sure she would have had views on everything if I'd let her - she birthed her 3x 10 lb babies naturally with no pain relief, obviously.

I imagine it'll be different after baby is born. We have a family WhatsApp for communication and photos of baby etc. (husband has one with his family without me which gets more use).

Honestly I really don’t get the whole ‘checking in,’ during pregnancy. I’ve had seven and I have to say my own parents didn’t let alone my inlaws. Now yes I speak to my parents regularly but never once was it about any of my pregnancies nor did I expect them to ‘check in’ with me about my pregnancies. Didn’t mean they didn’t care about me nor did it mean they were not excited about their grandchild. I think it’s just that yes your pregnancy may not have been the easiest to date but you aren’t the first nor last person to be pregnant. For me it’s just one of those things many go through, it’s not an illness (although yes some can feel poorly and some can be high risk, my last was) but it is what it is, the world for others doesn’t stop nor stand still.

As for your mil dictating when she should be coming up to the hospital and her opinions on schooling etc, that’s where I would have a problem with. I always have welcomed advice and having 7 children currently ranging from 18 to 1 there is very little I’ve not experienced as a parent so I also give advice but equally I haven’t experienced everything so hearing others parenting experiences is welcomed. It costs nothing to listen it’s up to you whether you use that advice or agreed with their views and opinions. I did not have my in-laws visit me in hospital after any of my babies were born, I did however have my mum and dad visit. This was because my mum and dad came yes to meet their grandchild but ultimately they wanted to see their baby (me) who had just had a baby to check I was ok. Also I wasn’t in long. They also never outstayed their welcome I knew they wouldn’t. It was my time and my husbands time to bond and have some alone time with our newborn. So please only agree to what you feel happy with. It’s an emotional time and it’s about you xx

You live walking distance away, and haven’t seen them since Christmas? You don’t have a close relationship with them at all. I’d find it strange if they were asking you about your pregnancy when you clearly don’t have much to do with eachother.

Many find it easy to fall into the trap of believing their pregnancy is the most important important thing in everyone’s lives. I’m afraid it’s not.

Enjoy your pregnancy, and don’t spend it overthinking about silly things like this.

Went through something similar and it permanently damaged my relationship with MIL and did some major harm to marriage for a bit too.

Your MIL lives close enough that offering to maybe drop off a meal or pick up some groceries would be kind, and in doing so, she could ask how you're feeling, especially as the due date approaches.

But she's not doing these things. I get it. I felt like a uterus, an incubator, and a vessel to many people who couldn't wait to get their hands on the child growing inside me.

Her comments to her other son's girlfriend about YOUR baby looking like HER is pretty obnoxious. It also sounds like she already has plans to be sitting in the waiting room while you push out "her girl."

You are not being unreasonable at all. I would prepare yourself to set some major boundaries when DD does arrive, especially as they do live so close.

I wonder if the fact you didn't capitulate on the spot and agree to their choice of name and their school preference has annoyed them and they are keeping their distance until the baby's born and MIL can swoop in to take over.

The point I was making there was that I didn’t receive the same back… not that it was unusual for me to do so for her. We saw eachother a lot more before I was pregnant, but it has lessened since. We invite them to ours (minutes away via foot) and they say they’re busy. FWIW, I have been in and out of hospital. It’s not been an easy or straightforward pregnancy and they are aware of that.

Thank you!

Sorry I just read your other comments about how they are talking to you about when the baby is here and the redhead thing and I think they just don't sound very nice!

I'm a long way off becoming a nan (hopefully) but I wonder if it's a mum of son's thing? I say this as my friend is about to become a nan as her daughter is pregnant so she plans to move closer to her & her husband & move in for the first month. I have a son & get the impression that MILs kind of take a back seat (as the DIL wants/needs her mum).

Yeah, we haven’t had any invite, but they have done at least one with BIL/SIL and their children. We, however, have invited them a few times and they just say they’re busy.

This is how my MIL is, I decided to leave it and leave my husband to it. Well now I am constantly hearing about how unhappy she is, how much she is left out - how I don't make enough effort to keep her in my childs life, why wasn't she included in the birth and given pregnancy details ect..... get ready for a bumpy ride.

I have been married 24 years - don't think my inlaws even have my mobile number.

Yes, this is my exact concern. I don’t think I can win really! I have commenters telling me that asking how I’m doing during pregnancy would be overstepping and TMI, but yet she wants to be present when I’ve just given birth? The reserved individual theory doesn’t really check out to me here I don’t think.

Adding here: The comment about the baby being a ginger when you, the mother, are a redhead is shockingly disrespectful. Have you told DH?

The other comments about schools and names just proves to me that boundaries will need to be set. Contrary to what MIL thinks, this is not "her girl."

The fact that you've been in hospital at times and they still haven't offered any help or a thoughtful text just proves how little respect for you they have.

If someone had been in hospital for say, their appendix, would they have texted or offered to drop a meal off?

Thank you. Yes, I did tell him afterwards and he said he will say something, but I asked him not to as don’t want any conflict or it to be made into a big fuss.