MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

[WingardiumDoubleToaster]

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

OP, sorry there have been so many nasty posts.
MN is a very nasty site at times to vulnerable women.

Of course yanbu to be concerned at their lack of interest and yet your MIL's boundary bursting statements.

Good to read your husband has strong boundaries.

After months of little contact, you may find her pushiness after the birth too much for you.

Not a word when you go to the hospital and gove birth until you are feeling able.
It is no ones business until you are ready to share.

I too think you could be in for a challenging time with her afterwards so prepare yourself.

Suddenly seeing a huge amount of someone you haven't seen, could be too much for you.

Do not have an open house policy.
Retire to your bedroom when you feel you have enough.
Do not start offering tea or coffee either, leave that completely to your husband.

Some people like to socialise, hosting but they are not necessarily good with actual support. It's easy for them to make efforts for fun things. It seems like they didn't want to ask you for fear of having to visit you or provide with any support. I would say very unkind of them. They are fair-weather friends.
Don't let them dictate once the baby is there. Accept how they are and maintain that shallow level relationship by being friendly on the surface but nothing more. Like many posters said blood relationship matters, outside your family focus on your parents.

She did NOT ask about sending the scan. She asked if she could tell someone when we told her we were pregnant. A scan that we had later on (on a separate occasion) was sent to my SIL without our knowing. We were actually looking forward to sharing that with BIL/SIL (BIL’s partner) as we have a very good relationship and they have been fantastic. It was also an additional scan for medical reasons, so we would have been keen to provide that context ourselves too.

I also wouldn’t describe it as “talking” about names when she is expressly stating - completely unprompted- what we are, or are not, allowed to call our child over the Christmas dinner table, whilst also expressing she hopes the child does not look like me, essentially.

This is all rather unusual behaviour for them, when we had always had a great relationship before.

And I don’t believe I used the word “no contact”. I have stated many a time that my concern is the change in behaviour as we have always had a very good relationship prior to the pregnancy. For the last 10 years they have seen me for my birthday too, but not this year. Which I personally think is strange when I am growing their GC this year. And they very rarely reply to our invites or texts, despite knowing that I’ve had a difficult pregnancy. So in regard to it being on me to fix with a “few nice messages”, it’s not like we haven’t been trying.

What I will say, as PPs have highlighted, is that we haven’t asked outright why they have gone so quiet with us all of a sudden. DH offered to, but I was concerned they would take it the wrong way and it would turn into a big issue. However, another very kind PP did offer up a suggested response that was v non-aggressive (passive or otherwise!), which I imagine would go down fairly well, so we can certainly give that a try.

Thank you!

another very kind PP did offer up a suggested response that was v non-aggressive (passive or otherwise!), which I imagine would go down fairly well, so we can certainly give that a try.
This is a good way forward. I hope you get whatever you need from it.

They can't ignore you for 9 months and then expect you to hand over your precious newborn fresh out the womb it doesn't work that way I'd be sitting dh down and having a very serious discussion about boundaries and expectations, YOU need time to recover and bond with baby they do not they can wait until your ready for visitors .
And what's this going on about how much baby will look like her nonsense she sounds unhinged they all look the same on scans

Right. Thanks for making suggestions about what you think I maybe did.

Ditto!

Why don't you set up a group chat then you can all be included in scan and picture shares?

It’s a good idea, however I did set one up in the past and they said they don’t like GCs.

How often do you text her about anything?

(not RTFT so apologies if asked and answered but if you don't gave that kind of back and forth texting relationship why would you expect it now?)

Do you invite them around. People are strange these days about people just turning up, everything seems to have to be agreed.

Same here, they just left me and then husband to get on with it. It's what it is.

Do you message them, they might think your not bothered about a relationship with them if it's your DH who always messages. They might be thinking the same as you, that it's odd you've not messaged them.

The in laws are great, until... You get pregnant

Then they show their real personality

I will never forget how my In laws treated me when I was most in need. I can assure you, when baby is here, it's only going to be worse.

I contact my in laws with updates, but I won't ever forget that time

My MIL wasn’t that interested in my pregnancy which really bothered me. My little one is now 10 months old and she’s only visited us once, we have to take her there to see her. She has mot once text me to ask how we are doing, even when her son had to work away when I was 2 weeks post partum. I thought we had a better relationship than that but it’s something I will not forget and will not bend over to please them anymore - you’re not alone! I know how rubbish it feels

I would be more concerned about the fact they’re already talking about coming to the hospital straight after birth and having the baby over at theirs. That sounds like it could be an issue if they don’t understand boundaries. If you and your partner are fine with it then it’s not an issue but personally I asked everyone to let me recuperate in hospital in peace and they could meet the baby when we were home! Sometimes mums feel great after birth and love visitors. But you won’t really how you feel until it happens.

I think this could mean you don't have to worry about how much you include them after your baby is born. Just don't allow visits until you are ready and of course they are second in line after your own parents.

A little distance won't hurt as your relationship with them is not a close one.
Good luck. I think they have been hurtful perhaps unknowingly.

I completely understand your disappointment with your in-laws. I also had a very similar experience to you in my pregnancy and it’s had a negative impact on the relationship I have with my MIL/FIL.
I suffered with severe PGP, was on crutches and they never checked in with me, just made it clear they couldn’t wait for “their baby” to arrive. They wanted to come as soon as the baby was born, but we put firm boundaries in place (helped by me giving birth a week prior to Christmas and them living a few hours drive away!)
Of course my baby looks exactly like his dad and has all the traits of their family according to MIL (he’s actually my double but god forbid she ever admitted that haha)
im quite shocked by how many people have said YABU. You’re not. Pregnancy is such a special time. Good luck with little ones arrival!

accept gracefully what you've got.

You've got 2x sets of in-laws who, in the future, will actually be there

• frequently / infrequently - as grandparents to your child.

You are not alone, without any relatives. And neither will your child be. One's relatives are seldom exactly as one would choose to pick off the shelf. Adapt. Manage. Be thankful for having a family.

Really sorry you're having to contend with horrible comments and behaviour. Mil sounds like a bully. It's up to you and your husband to choose your baby's name, how you bring them up etc etc.
Hope your husband will stand up to his parents if they start pushing you around once the baby has arrived.

I don’t even know my dil’s number and they’ve been married seven years.

Honestly I wouldn’t even give it a second thought.

My in-laws were similar (got along, met up pre-pregnancy even without DH) and suddenly I was pregnant and I became an incubator.

I didn’t expect anything from them, but they did expect a lot of input with baby. It was “ooh I wonder if baby will be XXX like his uncle” which was the same profession as me!

I also think it was the final nail that I’d taken their precious son away officially and she couldn’t control it.

But they couldn’t be bothered enough with the incubator to put all their demands into place, so they just never got them 🤣 Problem solved.

(I do visit and send pics, I think they enjoy that, but it is entirely one sided).

When I look back at my pregnancy I realise that to me it was the biggest and most consuming thing in the world. My world that is. It was obviously a very big deal to my DH too, but as it was happening to my body, to me, it was and felt enormous. It's really not such a big deal to other people, as they've either been through it themselves, maybe multiple times or seen their sig other or family members go through it. The baby on the other hand is a big deal once it's here, it's another family member to welcome into the fold. This stuff is as old as time. I know it can feel at times like you are viewed as a vessel for the baby by others, when to you it's the biggest thing that's happened to your body. But you are (technically speaking) a vessel that is growing a baby that your family really want and are delighted is coming. Some people are v interested in the woman while the pregnancy is happening, others are not. Your ILs fall into the second category and your parents the first. My parents and ILs are great and love me but didn't check in particularly often, they did both buy me clothes. People show love and interest in different ways. Buying clothes was probably theirs!

I think your being unreasonable. When the baby is here it will be different. Some people find it hard to bond with a baby that isn't here yet. I think this is also more common when your not very close to the person that is pregnant. Especially when it's not your own daughter that is pregnant, it your son's girlfriend. It's a bit different. My mother in law was the same but now have a great relationship with my children.
I think maybe she just doesn't want to appear overbearing. I actually think I preferred it this way.