MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

[WingardiumDoubleToaster]

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

Ok, so you tell your DH to message them… but do YOU never initiate? Maybe they feel you don’t want to talk to them about it? I think the fact that you delegate it to him has sent a message, perhaps wrongly, that you don’t want to talk to them directly. You’ve created a wall between you and them.

I always led the way on that stuff with my inLaws, usually copying in DH even before smartphones. The family WhatsApp means we can both share pictures and messages and engage. I was the pregnant one, the’d expect me to update them.

I, personally, think it is utterly weird to have told DH to do all the messaging and then sat back waiting for them to come running to you to give you attention. If you want the situation to change, you need to change it… you need to reach out.

Perhaps they are following your lead?

If all the information comes to them via your DH, their son, and nothing from you, they are respecting your privacy around your pregnancy.

Lots of people like to be private about medical issues. If it’s been a complicated pregnancy (I hope you are doing well now) they may well be expecting to hear from your son and otherwise not pry.

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy!

Kindly… I would take them asking about how the baby is going in there as an indication of their interest in your pregnancy, but some awkwardness/uncertainty on their behalf of how directly to discuss the pregnancy with you. Your response “umm she’s in there, she’s fine?” isn’t very open. I’d throw them a bit more of a bone— “it seems she tracking really well, the doctors are [happy], so we (husband and I) are feeling [insert]. Your response seems a little like a shut down.
What about asking MIL and FIL how they felt at this point when they were expecting their first child? Can they remember that far back or does it all feel like a blur? Was there something they wish they knew before they had their first baby?

Again, kindly, it does seem like you haven’t been open to their indirect questioning. You haven’t sought connections with them or tried to find a way to relate to them.

You've had a bit of a pile on OP and I'm not sure why. You've clearly explained a number of time that you had a good relationship before you were pregnant and you have continued to invite your PILs to your house during your pregnancy and they have always declined.

You don't seem needy or hard work or any of the other insults that have been thrown at you. I would feel hurt in your situation and it is very odd that they have shown no concern, even though they are aware that you have had a difficult pregnancy.

Once the baby has been born, follow your instincts and don't feel obligated to bend over backward to accommodate your MIL's desire to take a leading role in your baby's life, having pretty much ignored it's mother for nine months.

Good luck!

I doubt they’ll be able to do much with the baby if they don’t talk to you, since the baby will be with you most of the time and I am assuming DH will be back at work whilst you’re on mat leave.
I would say don’t get your hopes up too high. I think it’s an in law thing. My FIL thinks I still have the same job I had 10 years ago, he always refers to it despite the fact I’ve long left that job. It’s a bit of a joke with me and DH. My 2nd child turned one this year and my in laws didn’t get her a birthday present or anything for Easter or even a card or a message, not through lack of money since they’ve organised a big birthday bash for FIL and we see them often enough.

Oh my goodness… sorry, I know it’s a long thread, but I’ve responded to comments like this so many time…. YES, I have! I figured the “we usually have a good relationship etc” in the OG post would cover this one. I have continued to reach out as normal and I either get ignored or told they’re busy when we invite them. They have also stopped inviting us around. DH sends the scan pics, which I encourage him to do as I think it’s nice, and why shouldn’t he as it’s his baby too.

Well I don’t literally say that to them - more of a joke just here. We haven’t had much chance to see them/speak to them in order to connect! We’ve tried.

Thank you! Much appreciated.

It's not expected that the woman sends them!! But I don't think your DH is the one feeling put out by lack of interest, he just sounds like a messenger, and a rubbish one at that seeing as you have to constantly remind him. Your in laws may have misinterpreted updates coming are from him only as a silent message that you aren't going to share details with them yourself.

If it is you that wants to share news with them and have them be interested in you by return then YOU should send the updates.

It is so far removed from being a man/woman issue but you seem to be insisting it is? It sounds like you make a lot of assumptions and any suggestion of talking with them, specifically gently probing why they don't come round anymore, is met with horror from yourself, there is something going on here so why can't you or DH discuss any of this with them?

Then I am at a loss - the only thing I can suggest is that you take the lead in sharing info going fwd? I do think that what may have happened is that they genuinely think, as you have not been the one sharing the scans etc, that you are being stand-offish? I appreciate that you don’t feel you are, but people can be wary of stepping on toes or fearful of intruding etc and for some reason they may simply have misconstrued you directing pregnancy updates via DH.

I really would just set up a whatsapp, add them and DH on and open it with something like: ‘setting this chat group up as I realise DH has been doing all the messaging about baby and, once they arrive I am sure you’ll want to be able to message and see pictures more easily. I know we’re all looking forward to this so much, and it’s been a lot to prepare for, so I’m hoping this will be an easy way for both DH and I to keep you updated and for us all to keep in touch.’

My step sons wife is pregnant with their first atm (first grandchild) and we have a close relationship with them and we message at least weekly (often multiple times) about how she’s feeling and how the baby is doing. I am super concerned not to force any of my views on them even if it’s well meant, but if they ask my advice then I’m happy to to provide it caveated with a “this is what worked for me but…)

I think that it’s thoughtful to ask about your family members and to focus on the woman carrying the baby rather than the baby itself. I don’t want my DIL to think that she’s not important and I’m not concerned about her.

My own MIL never bothered about that and whilst it didn’t upset me it definitely played into the family dynamics - you can’t be too invested in people who don’t show much concern for you 🤷‍♀️

People are being very ‘cool’. I’m not that interested in people’s pregnancies , but I make polite small talk , not really interested in scan pictures, you only have to smile and say ‘that’s nice’
Also @WingardiumDoubleToastershe’d soon be told she’s not her ‘girl’ and any sleepovers will be if / when you and DH decide to

I think it makes sense that their son would be the one to share the photos, and it would be very presumptuous of them to think it was because you didn't want direct contact. (For example, does he end the photos to YOUR parents or do you?) The fact that you have been in and out of hospital and they haven't dropped a mere text feels almost hostile.

I think the heart of this matter is that they aren't showing you any normal level of consideration, and have almost cooled off, but on the flip side they have already become very overbearing when it comes to the baby. That's not okay.

If they couldn't be bothered to see how you were in hospital while you were pregnant, why should they think it would be okay for them to turn up at the hospital when you give birth?

Is any of this reluctance to visit or check in to do with you and your DH putting boundaries in place? Is it possible that you’ve disagreed with what they’ve said and they’ve taken offence to that and are now deciding to deliberately give you the cold shoulder? FWIW, I don’t think it’s very common for in laws to have that much direct contact with their DIL, even when pregnant. If you did and that’s now changed then fair enough. Also, is it really such a bad thing if they don’t make much of an effort or visit much if they have such strong opinions?

Hi OP, I had the exact same thing happen. Close w FIL and MIL and then silence during my pregnancy unless we reached out. It felt so abrupt. I will also add that they ended up being nightmares once baby was born so get those boundaries in very early. It’s evident you’re just the vessel for their grandchild otherwise they would show more interest in your welfare. Best of luck x

It's extremely weird; natural it may be but I don't compute it. My husband's rather spiteful sister tried that number with me when our DC was very little, claiming he was all (Hisname) and looked exactly like his father. Then she flashed me a sly side-glimpse under her eyelashes, tittering and saying 'ohhh, I hope I haven't offended you!'

Says I, with a cheery smile, 'why would you? He does look exactly like his father!'

The way her face instantly fell as she lamely responded that 'oh, (other SiL) gets SO cross when we tell her that!' told me she wasn't expecting that response. What reply was there to that, other than to still-smilingly say 'well, I'm not SiL, am I?'

Guess she missed her target on that occasion. But how silly. I'm hardly going to be in need of affirmation of my own kid's parentage. I know he's definitely mine!

Yes it’s weird and can make you feel excluded. My MIL would compare my daughter to anyone but me.

This. If they did it might be too much. Don't overthink this. See what happens when baby is born. You are lucky to have so many relatives interested.

I would just say to them the next time you feel like an incubator, "bloody hell mil I'm not an incubator" in a lighthearted way.

Come on OP, you being pregnant and having some complications and being upset your in-laws are not giving you any attention/support is nowhere near the same situation or comparable as your own mum being diagnosed with cancer and you caring about it.
They are clearly unthoughtful, and it sounds like comments they’ve made re appearance are mean and inappropriate - Totally agree with a PP that it may be a blessing they are not around as much anymore.

So they haven't seen you in person, called, text, visited your home or you visited their home in 9 months, except for Christmas? About anything? They have just ignored your existence completely?.

You realise its just as far from your house to their house right? Do you have legs?

The OP has stated many times, in response to posters who don't bother to read all her posts, that she has invited MIL to her home many times and MIL has declined the invitation every single time.

MIL has asked OP about sending the scan, talked about names and spending time together when the baby is here, gifted items and clothes, asked OP how the baby is, hosted Christmas, replied to all messages from her son, visited on son's birthday. OP interpreted this as her not being interested and described it as no contact for 9 months. Instead of trying to alienate a pregnant woman from her in laws for then not asking the right questions in the right way, actually read the posts @thepariscrimefiles. These sound like decent people, they and OP are just communicating poorly at the moment. OP can likely fix that with a few nice messages, and that would be much better for her, for the baby, and everyone else involved.

Maybe you didn't read op's posts properly. Maybe you just read the title and responded. Maybe you are a mother in law and projecting.

Are people this heartless with a woman their son marries and who enable their relationship with their grandkids? God forbid you have to make a connection with a neighbour. How needy of them to expect a friendly Hi, they are not your blood.

No wonder there is such low sense of community in this country when people think a daughter in law who are bringing your grandkids to the existence is expect top much to have a couple of friendly how are you doing, heard you were unwell yesterday messages over a period of 9 months.