MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

[WingardiumDoubleToaster]

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

Doesn’t sound like you’re expecting princess treatment at all, of course they should message / check in if you’ve had that kind of relationship before! Having said that, I personally hated when i received messages and calls after every hospital appointment, felt like I was being tracked. The important point is that you feel unsupported and that can damage how you feel about them, therefore the relationship. you have the option to approach that constructively. It is possible that they feel you never share updates directly and they only get updates via their son.

On a separate note, they don’t get to dictate when baby has sleep overs etc. It might be never if you and the father so choose. I hope you get the support you need! Having them close can be a gift in those early days but only if they respect your boundaries.

I dont think your being unreasonable OP, you've obviously noticed a very marked change in your in laws since your pregnancy and this could certainly leave you confused/anxious as to what is going on. Add to that they are making their own plans and assumptions about YOUR baby, of course this is unnerving for you and would naturally make you feel uneasy. Perhaps your in-laws don't want to come across as overbearing? I know my own MIL was terrible telling me what to do and what not to do when pregnant, so really you could take their lack of interest/contact as a blessing. Focus on you and not them, if they have little to no interest in you and the pregnancy, thats fine, but you focus on you and it will put you in good stead for when baby does come, you will be strong enough to tell them what your boundaries are 💖

Why would anyone post about middle-ground MILs?

You're pregnant not dying, I think the old saying goes

Why not?

In China it's common for the In Laws to come live with the son and daughter in law for a month after the baby is born to cook, clean and take care of baby while the new mother rests if you can believe it!! They don't let the new mum do a single thing.

I think you should have been sending updates as well as your DH…
I sent pictures of flowers etc when we were planning wedding, and sent updates by text throughout pregnancy.
Maybe you need to set up a group chat on WhatsApp with you, your DH & your inlaws.. call it ‘smith family chat’ or whatever your married name is… then you and DH can both pop updates on there

Because people post about problems, not non-problems.

Well, maybe they were taking their lead from you. Have you not reached out to them at all during your pregnancy (about anything). Maybe they thought you wanted to be left alone?

I think you could try to take the lead a little to establish the relationship that you would like to see.

A lot of people do seem to do that thing where they go from a reasonably close relationship with regular interaction and then drop off the face of the earth for long periods. Then they're back and acting like nothing happened.

I don't like it, I find it really jarring and hard to know where I stand with them. I always wonder how long before they "disappear" again. Not everyone can feel close to people that do that.

Not always and also it’s a point of view

OP is just correcting misunderstandings and re-posting information that she has provided loads of times.

Posters new to the thread are just reading the OP and haven't bothered to read OP's responses that she had a very close relationship with her MIL until she became pregnant at which point her MIL pulled right back and turned down all invitations from OP to visit. It's the change in the relationship that OP is concerned about.

OP is just correcting misunderstandings and re-posting information that she has provided loads of times.
Not really. Others have highlighted where OP may have unintentionally alienated PIL, or at least has firmly set out a boundary stopping their contact. OP then isn't listening to that but repeats the same information. She was almost about to start some communication but those with poor PIL relationships themselves are trying to put her off. Shame really.

No she isn't. What a lazy characterisation of OP's situation. She previously had a close and warm relationship with her MIL which stopped as soon as she became pregnant. Her MIL hasn't contacted once during her pregnancy, even when OP was taken into hospital. She doesn't get to ignore the mother for 9 months and then swoop in as soon as the baby is born.

No, people post to vent or ask advice about something problematic to them. No one is posting just to generally chat about their non-problematic MIL for fun.

Stop repeating OP saying "MIL hasn't contacted once" when OP has described 2 visits, asking after baby, bringing items and clothes, declining invites OP sent etc etc. So "not once" is simply a lie. OP has not had as much attention as she wants, and feels it is less attention than she had pre-pregnancy. Relegating all comms to her DH is likely the cause of reduced contact, we don't even know if he's telling them OP is in hospital while she's going wild that they don't phone her about it. Feeding false narrative will just wind OP up, when she has an opportunity to actually resolve the situation.

I found pregnancy intrusive enough with everyone wanting to be all up in my uterus's business every other day.

Not badgering you is very polite of them from that perspective.

Lots of people have said to wait and see when baby comes.

The in-laws are interested enough to ask through OP's DH.

Like I said, they may not want to impose but I only they'll know why.

OP has not said that her MIL visited her to bring the gifted items. She simply said:

'They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for.'

OP and her DH spent Christmas with her in-laws so the clothes could have been gifted then or OP's DH could have collected them.

OP has clearly said that the only time her MIL has contacted her during her pregnancy was to ask whether she could tell someone about the pregnancy. You are interpreting OP's hurt due to the abrupt ending of any direct contact from her MIL as attention seeking which I think is unkind and unfair.

OP's MIL has already made it very clear that she is interested in the baby and is already planning to be very involved in a way that makes OP feel uncomfortable.

It's a bit cheeky to ignore the mum for 9 months but then feel entitled to make plans to turn up at the hospital, veto names she doesn't like and demand sleepovers with the baby.

Exactly.

Texting the odd time during her pregnancy to see how she is doing, is bare mine stuff.
She hasn't bothered but is making name pronouncements!

OP would ne wise to maintain the same level of contact. She is not some baby oven to be treated as an incubator.

It is possible to be in respectful kind contact and just check in.

Very basic stuff.

Yanbu, mine were the same, I don’t understand people you’re being unreasonable expecting a text or interest. I think it’s so disrespectful to not bother to ask how you are at all but fully expect to have baby when they want and a closeness too. It’s silly as kids pick up on lack of effort or closeness with grandparents and their mothers and won’t be as close as a result. I know for a fact if my son’s gf was pregnant I’d make a big effort to show I care and am interested and not just waiting for her to give birth. It’s sad with the push for equality we just totally forget that what mothers go through is so different from men. It’s a very vulnerable time and the treatment from my mil was so detrimental to me at that time and I will never really forgive her for it. Can’t imagine being like that.

A few texts is hardly badgering its basic manners

Incorrect, some people post about positive events in their lives

Exactly, there’s no point asking questions on this anymore, people are from another world to me and answer like cold robots, so strange. The fact she’s being called needy cos she expected a couple of texts is nuts! I’m just so thankful for the caring parents that checked in on me through an awful pregnancy