MIL/FIL not involved in pregnancy

[WingardiumDoubleToaster]

For context, to try and avoid drip feed: my MIL/FIL and I have a good relationship and have never “clashed” on anything. Their son and I have been together for over 10 years now, married for 5, and are expecting our first child.

MIL and FIL live mere minutes away by foot.

Despite this, I am nearly 9 months pregnant and have barely heard from them the whole pregnancy - not in person, not via text. We saw them at Christmas, and I always prompt DH to send our scan pictures to them, which he does, but not once have they reached out to see how I am, if I need anything etc.

The ONLY time MIL reached out to me personally was to say “Can I tell [so and so]?” early on. I have reached out during my pregnancy to wish them happy birthdays, Mother’s Day etc etc.

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

At one point, MIL even sent our baby’s scan on to our SIL (DH’s brother’s girlfriend, who I also have a great relationship with) and said how gorgeous baby was etc., how she looked just like the rest of the family on her side, but nothing to me. We only found out because SIL excitedly messaged us.

The reason DH sends the scans on himself is firstly he is baby’s father, so why not, and secondly, I think it’s really nice for him to share this news with his parents. He will be a very hands-on Dad. But as I say, I always remind him to do so.

Luckily, my own mum and dad do check in, as this hasn’t been an easy pregnancy at all. I’ve had lots of health issues. And DH has been wonderful. I don’t know what I’d do without him. But I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable to have expected MIL and FIL to be more involved/caring?

They have gifted us items, clothes etc for baby, which of course we’re very grateful for. And MIL always replies to DH sending the scans, but just never reaches out to me.

Perhaps it’s just an “in-law” thing - would be good to get opinions from those who are MIL/FILs themselves and those with them! AIBU to be a little disappointed at the lack of support/care/interest?

While I appreciate perhaps they’re just being careful not to go overboard, I think surely a little text or call here or there would be appropriate? I’m not looking for Princess treatment.

My main gripe is that I know - based on what they’ve said - they will all of a sudden take a super interest when she’s here. MIL is already replying to DH referring to baby as “her girl” and saying how much she will look like her.

But to me this would feel a bit unfair at a time that will be quite vulnerable for me when they haven’t shown me any care or respect at all as the mother of their grandchild during a very difficult pregnancy. I would feel a bit like an incubator!

Thoughts?

Just looking at this from the other side - you have your DH send scan pictures etc rather than you sending them. How much have you involved them personally (rather than through your DH) ? Maybe they don't want to overstep and are trying to be led by you and your level of engagement.

Thank you, that’s really kind!

Doesn't sound like your husband is particularly close to them? That may have an impact.

My MIL/FIL wouldn't necessarily contact me directly during pregnancy, although would be lovely in person or on video calls but we're always texting my partner to ask how things were going/how I was. Especially towards the end so I wasn't bombarded with "any signs yet" type messages from a million people.

We'd see them in person and it would be:
"DH said you've had awful back ache, how is it now?"
"DH sent us your picture, you've definitely popped!"
"DH told us you've been quite tired lately, let us know if you need anything."

Etc ^

Any chance they're just speaking to your husband instead?

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

It's a no from me on all of the above. What kind of a weirdo is already thinking about separating a baby from its mum for a sleep over when the baby hasn't even been born. Open your mouth from now or it will be a long life...

See, I just think this one is really interesting because no one would question my DH not sending pictures etc to my family? I was trying to do a good thing by encouraging my husband to share the pictures and make sure he feels involved too. It’s our baby, not just mine. However, I do take your point RE perhaps they then think I don’t want to talk about it.

Did you read this?

MIL has a lot of opinions about when baby should be sleeping over at theirs, where they should be going to school, even what they should be called etc., plus that they would like to come to the hospital straight away when she’s born. MIL made all this very clear when we saw them at Christmas.

and some of OP‘s other updates?

I don't think you're asking too much at all OP, I think it's odd and unkind. It also goes to put you and your SIL against each other. What does your SIL think?

I think this is a fair point. Would probably agree that BIL is slightly closer, so I think fair that this could make a difference. Equally, we did seem to be so much closer before the pregnancy. I have continued to reach out, but their contribution has definitely tailed off. And yes, they’re exactly the comments I would expect, but no. Nada. Only how is “my girl” etc. Some PPs suggesting I want them to personally give me a massage and then tell me I’m incredible and the only woman to ever give birth. 😂 It’s just the difference between how they were vs now, and how they are not shy about voicing how they think LO who isn’t even here yet should be raised.

I’ve not mentioned it to her in honesty. She has been incredible, however. I consider her and her partner (my DH’s brother) to be best friends of mine more so than in laws. She has sent me quite a few texts asking how I am and has popped round on a few occasions after procedures with flowers/little gifts. She is wonderful.

My two SILs were like this when I was pregnant. We saw them at Christmas when I was huge (8 and a half months) and they never once asked how I was, how the pregnancy had been , whether I was excited about the birth, etc. It felt deliberate, but I don’t know why they would do it. I mean, even women who aren’t friends or relatives, but who’ve been pregnant themselves would commonly make this kind of general conversation with a heavily pregnant woman…

That's good to hear, it's not your SIL's fault. Do you have a gut feeling about what's going on? My MIL loved me until we decided to get married, she then just resented me and made no effort to hide it. I , I forgave her as she was a really loving grandma to my children but resented me completely for some reason. Some people are just like that and it can be very hurtful.

Exactly, yeah. I almost wouldn’t want her to feel guilty for the support she DID receive from MIL, as it’s not her fault. Plus, I wouldn’t want to sort of “back talk” MIL either, so I’ve not said anything.

And honestly, zero clue. Some PPs have suggested that in recommending that DH sends the scan pics to his mum (which I thought was a nice and good thing to do) it’s made them feel it’s because I haven’t/wouldn’t. They are quite a traditional dynamic.

What have you said to them about visiting straight away and when they expect to have the baby?

This was largely just her waxing lyrical over the table, and it didn’t seem as though she expected a response - more was just telling everyone, therefore we didn’t say anything. It was Christmas dinner and it didn’t seem the right time or place to say “well, actually”, so we just carried on eating.

@WingardiumDoubleToaster - firstly love the name !

I completely understand why you’re feeling how you’re feeling and sorry it’s come to this. I think new pregnancies add a new dynamic to families and it can take a while to navigate it. Completley agree it’s off that they used to have you round regularly and if anything have reduced contact with you both. And find it super strange they have not asked you once how you are / feel whilst pregnant. To me that’s the world’s most normal question especially for someone in their first pregnancy who has had medical complications. Also strange that they are behaving differently with you than SIL although you have said they are generally closer so may have a different relationship.

As others have said, they may just not want to be overstepping boundaries and with your DH doing all the communicating they may be taking his lead. Some people that asking how the baby is is the same as asking how you are and that as a pregnant person that’s all you want to talk about. It may also be that their way of showing appreciation is the presents / gifts / offering to be involved when baby is here. Very strange they’re just not responding to your messages whilst you’ve been pregnant and always too busy to pop in even though your minutes away! Also the ginger comment is awful! No excuses for that. I know too well the feeling of being an incubator and I had much more supportive ILs than you. Pregnancy especially a medically complicated one is hard, you are vulnerable. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had losses in the past too. Hormones will also be wreaking havoc at this time.

I know you’ve said that you don’t want the drama of addressing it, however I think it’s not fair to you or them if your harbouring this resentment and they don’t even know about it. I think it would be reasonable to send a message or just invite them round and maybe say something like “I hope we’ve not offended you in anyway, you haven’t been in touch much, we haven’t seen much of you and we’ve missed seeing you.” you said you feel like you had a good relationship before the pregnancy so it would be such a shame for there to be a family rift right before your gorgeous daughter is born, especially when they haven’t had the chance to explain themselves / apologise / change behaviour. You never know there might be something big going on in their lives that they haven’t wanted to bother you both with because of the pregnancy etc.

all the best whatever you decide to do and sending positive vibes for the delivery ! 💕💕

So helpful and kind, thank you! I do think we can be quite bad (DH and I) for not always being assertive with our needs and then feeling a little resentful, so I think your suggested approach is certainly a good one to consider as it’s completely non-aggressive. Thank you!

She doesn't sound like hard work at all. She is just puzzled about why her in-laws, who she had a close relationship before she got pregnant, have distanced themselves quite noticeably and have never asked after her, even though she has had a difficult pregnancy, including a hospital stay.

OP has invited them to visit while she has been pregnant and they have turned her down every time. But they still expect to come to the hospital after she's had the baby, have a say in the baby's name and have the baby for sleepovers.

It's the height of cheeky fuckery to ignore the mother-to-be for nine months and then swoop in after the birth and start making demands.

Their focus seems to be on the baby. I think you'll be sick of the sight of them once baby comes.
Do you want them there as soon as you give birth?
You might want to discuss with DH and make sure everyone's on the same page.

My ( now former) MIL was excited until my first baby was a boy. She was even less excited when my second baby was also a boy. When my husband left us and set up home with a 17 year old she totally cut us off. When my exhusbands second wife( the 17 year old but now 20something) had a girl she told my former SIL ( her daughter and mother of 4 boys) that she could finally start being a granny. Some people are just nutters.

DH is going to do all of the “family-fielding”, as well-meaning as it may be, as we’ve agreed I won’t be in the best position to do this. Though in seeing some of the responses to DH sending the scan pictures, I worry even more now that they may take this as a slight! It’s only to allow me to recover first, not because I don’t want to keep them updated / involved.

I haven't read the whole thread because there is too much of it, but this seems so weird to me. Why would you put boundaries around a relationship that already sounds boundaried? When I read your op I thought they sounded like they were giving you space. I have read so many threads on MN with MILs in particular who don't give their dil enough space and dominate their pregnancies and births and first days with the baby.

You can tell that your in-laws are excited by the posts they have made, the gifts of clothes and by planning to be present at the hospital. They are excitedly sharing news about the pregnancy with other family members. What more could you possibly want from them? I would counsel you to be careful what you wish for. If you were to tell them how you feel it might unleash something that you regret - their constant presence.

I can see where you’re coming from- had similar from my in laws when I was pregnant (following 7 miscarriages so a scary time). They just saw me as an incubator for their grandchild- not a person in my own right at all. All of their comments were weirdly possessive of baby and they were talking about, for example, which car seat they should buy for their car (as if my newborn would need to be transported by them) and what he’d sleep in when he stayed over (he hasn’t slept over to this day). It really wound me up. But- you are Mum and what you say goes. I wouldn’t have them visit in hospital, personally, because the last thing you need immediately after child birth is a load of people descending on you. Same goes for when you get home. It’s all on your terms.

YABU. My In laws have never once checked in on me, pregnant or otherwise
even when I’ve not been well. I’m sure mine would expect we’d let them know if something was wrong.
I think given you also live mere minutes away from them by foot, isn’t it strange that you haven’t seen them since Christmas? That’s equally on you and your DH if this is the last time you’ve seen them in person. You seem to want them to give you more than it seems you’re giving them. I don’t mean that you be critical but that’s how it comes across.

It wouldn't be as much of a slight if they weren't putting their expectations for the baby on you.

I’ve repeatedly mentioned how we’ve continued to invite them around and they say they’re busy. And I’ve also been clear on the fact that they bothered with me/us more before I was pregnant, and they offered support to my BIL’s gf back when she was pregnant, so there are inconsistencies in behaviour there, which - when paired with their very open and strong opinions on how LO should be raised before she’s here, as well as how she should look (not like me, apparently) - have me feeling a bit frustrated and down. However, I do appreciate it’s a long thread.