AIBU Not wanting my partner to go to his ex's house?

[ThreeM]

My partners ex is quite manipulative - they've been separated 3 years this summer (she took no responsibility for the failure of their marriage even though it didn't sound like she contributed much to it) but seems intent on punishing him for leaving forever more.

They have 1 child who is 9, who spends every other weekend and 2 nights a week with us. There's one day per week where she insists he drives a 50 mile round trip to go to her house, to get the child ready for school, and he just does it. She doesn't come in our house, so I don't think he should go in hers, what was their marital home. I think its confusing for the child - and if I'm honest, it makes me uncomfortable. Like them playing house, like nothing ever happened and they never separated.

There are also often phonecalls, which just sound like cosy little family chats. She NEVER lets the child speak to Dad unspervised, she's always there, taking over the conversation, trying to just chat to him and tell him about what she's been doing. He says he doesn't care, but he also never really stops her, albeit he sometimes guides the chat back to his child.

I don't know if I'm being the unreasonable person, but I think there should be much clearer boundaries. He seems to let her walk all over him, but always agrees with me if I bring it up.

She invited him over to visit last week, I'm not sure exactly why, but he didn't go - and instead his parents went. I also find this really strange. She was awful to him when they were married, his mother will openly admit that, but yet they go and sit and drink tea and have these visits. If someone had treated my son that way, there's no way I could be in the same room.

I just don't know where I fit in - the ex won't talk to me, because I'm obviously a road block to her ever getting back with her ex, so its just like they pretend I don't exist. I'm a jealous person by nature, and I don't know if its just jealously taking over, or if I am justified in my feelings.

I’d assume he’s doing it for his child.

He’s with you not her so trust him! One day a week to dress his child for school is quite sweet and it’s kind of him to go.

You have a choice - leave him, or accept that he has a lifelong bond with his ex via his child. You have no right to police where he sees the child. Plus you have to assume her side of the story re the marriage and breakup is very different from his 🤷‍♀️

I am assuming his mother visits to spend time with her grandchild?
How long have you been together?

He is with you. His marriage broke up 3 years ago. If he wanted to back, he would have done so by now.
He and his parents are just keeping the peace for the sake of the child.
Try to be mature about this.

and instead his parents went. I also find this really strange. She was awful to him when they were married, his mother will openly admit that, but yet they go and sit and drink tea and have these visits. If someone had treated my son that way, there's no way I could be in the same room.

I expect they're wise enough to understand there are very much two sides to a story when a marriage breaks down?

Why would they not want to be in the same room as the mother of their grandchild?

Surely that would be putting the feelings of the most important person last?

I hardly think that him doing the school run 1 day a week is 'like them playing house, like nothing ever happened and they never separated'. How can he do this if he doesn't drive to his sons home?

I think your partner sounds like a good father. At age 9, his child needs routine and he needs his dad around. I would view the fact that he does these things for his son as a big positive. I would be more concerned if he did not want to be involved in his sons life.

The fact that things are amicable with his exW and that his family also still visit her and the son is also a positive. Life is far too short for bad feeling and family fall-outs, especially when a 9 year old child could be affected.

It's difficult, but you have to accept it when there is a child in the equation.

My late husband's children were adults and had left home when the marriage broke up. (DH left when the ex admitted she'd spent the night with a colleague. He'd long suspected that something was up.)

The ex was rather manipulative and used contact with the kids as a form of control. I'll not sidetrack by going into it all.

Just be prepared to put firmer boundaries in place when the kids are older, OP. I did - but not as much as I should have. There's such a a thing as being too nice, but you're in a no win situation while the child is underage.

I am well into my 50s now but I am still grateful for the fact that my parents remained amicable long after they divorced. I have no idea what any of their partners thought but I know it nattered to me that there was no animosity and my dad was always relaxed when he came to my house.

Seriously, grow up

There's obviously 2 sides to every story, but the general consensus from anyone I know who knows her, is this woman was lazy, contributed nothing to the running of the house, only worked 2 days per week but expected him to do all the housework, cooking, cleaning, nursery runs while working full time etc and was quite degrading in just how she treated him in general.

Would you want to sit in the same room as someone who'd treated your son like that? Its not a great example to set your child, treating their father like a doormat, and it is a massive concern of mine for the future that the child will just manipulate and bully their dad just like their mum has.

This is all coming from a place of insecurity and jealousy on your part, so either address that or leave.

Thats lovely for you that you didn't notice any animosity between your parents. I'm not sure this Dad is all that relaxed about going to their house to be honest, but also not sure if thats just for my benefit.

I'll go and doing some growing up, thanks for the advice.

I think you've made some really valid points - I'm in a no-win situation while the child is this age.

Also agree with using contact as a form of control, she has to know EVERY detail of what he's doing, what work meetings he has, where we're going at weekends and he just tells her. There's currently zero boundaries.

He is definitely too nice, but I can't see that changing, so maybe I have a decision to make seeing as it seems like it is me thats being unreasonable.

I actually think this is a far healthier approach to co parenting, and showing the child that difficulties in the relationships between the adults in their life can be put aside in order to be civil to each other for the sake of the children.
I wouldn’t (and didn’t have) and issue with DP spending time in ex’s home, likewise we have a civil and cordial relationship with my children’s father and he’s welcome in when picking up DC.
It reads more as though you’re jealous of him spending time in his ex’s company if I’m honest. Your comment about his own child potentially manipulating him in the future was really off too.

This.
This is how it is if you get with someone with kids.
It’s lovely for the kids if the parents can get on, laugh together, share stories. See each other in each others homes. I loved it as a kid, if my parents had either not spoken to each other or just been civil I’d have hated it. Instead they stayed friends
and now I’m the same with my ex, we do trips together too.
You can’t break that family bond. So leave or start being mature.

He shouldn't need to go there to do the schoolrun though, why can't the mum do it on her days? She's got the kid as much nights as she can to get the most money out of her ex, she keeps track of days for that purpose, but wants him to go and take the kid to school on one of her mornings, and he just does it.

There's no doubt he's a good father, and I wouldn't want him not to be involved in his sons life, but I can't understand why he has to go there to do that, they have separate houses, the kid has 2 homes, so why does 1 parent have to go to 2 homes, when its to appease the mother, rather than the kid?

If you’re a jealous person I really wouldn’t have got involved with a man with a child and an ex-wife. It will drive you insane. In ten or twenty years time when the boy gets married and his Mum is at the wedding and you will have to play second fiddle as the second wife it will still be consuming you.

I’m a bit confused - if she was such a terrible mother, why is his DS not living full time with him?

I think you're blind to the fact there are two sides to this story, due to your jealous nature.

His parents aren't jealous, so they're able to put the most important person first.

And anything you hear from your partner or anyone else for that matter that's less than complimentary, will just add to your confirmation bias.

"I wouldn't want him not to be involved in his sons life"

How very magnanimous of you.

You are being completely unreasonable. You are the one being controlling in this scenario. Of course a father should be able to go and have a pleasant chat and a cup of tea in his kids house with the mother!!

if you are uncomfortable with that, then that’s your own jealousy and insecurities at play.

there will definitely be two sides to the story. Possibly that he moved away, and she can’t do the school run due to work?

I'm just not sure why they can't do that the time he's with his dad, it just seems alien to me. My boundaries with my ex and his family are crystal clear, but I guess some people don't mind grey areas, I just need to know exactly where I am or I go into a massive decline mentally.

We've been together almost 2 years, so they had been separated about a year before we got together, his ex hates the fact he's with someone else. I didn't meet the child for the first year, and we seem to be getting along well which is one positive in all this.

Its not a great example to set your child, treating their father like a doormat, and it is a massive concern of mine for the future that the child will just manipulate and bully their dad just like their mum has.

And actually it's an even worse example to set your child to allow the new squeeze to come into your life and start calling the shots, criticising a happy, workable set up and criticise your parents just because they have a jealous nature.

Your jealousy is your problem.

Hopefully all these unanimous responses will show you that you are better off letting this one go and only dating men without children.

Came to say this.

YABVU. His relationship with the mother of his child (not just the "ex") is his business to manage. You don't think he should go in the house? Tough shit, he has a child with her. She has more involvement in his life than you like.

You need to work on your own insecurities.

You sound very young and not mature enough to deal with a man with a child.