AIBU Not wanting my partner to go to his ex's house?

[ThreeM]

My partners ex is quite manipulative - they've been separated 3 years this summer (she took no responsibility for the failure of their marriage even though it didn't sound like she contributed much to it) but seems intent on punishing him for leaving forever more.

They have 1 child who is 9, who spends every other weekend and 2 nights a week with us. There's one day per week where she insists he drives a 50 mile round trip to go to her house, to get the child ready for school, and he just does it. She doesn't come in our house, so I don't think he should go in hers, what was their marital home. I think its confusing for the child - and if I'm honest, it makes me uncomfortable. Like them playing house, like nothing ever happened and they never separated.

There are also often phonecalls, which just sound like cosy little family chats. She NEVER lets the child speak to Dad unspervised, she's always there, taking over the conversation, trying to just chat to him and tell him about what she's been doing. He says he doesn't care, but he also never really stops her, albeit he sometimes guides the chat back to his child.

I don't know if I'm being the unreasonable person, but I think there should be much clearer boundaries. He seems to let her walk all over him, but always agrees with me if I bring it up.

She invited him over to visit last week, I'm not sure exactly why, but he didn't go - and instead his parents went. I also find this really strange. She was awful to him when they were married, his mother will openly admit that, but yet they go and sit and drink tea and have these visits. If someone had treated my son that way, there's no way I could be in the same room.

I just don't know where I fit in - the ex won't talk to me, because I'm obviously a road block to her ever getting back with her ex, so its just like they pretend I don't exist. I'm a jealous person by nature, and I don't know if its just jealously taking over, or if I am justified in my feelings.

This. A dad putting his kid first should have some sort of contact with the mother Try to avoid the jealousy and competition, does he treat you right when he's with you, that's what matters.

Also just to add stepmothers are always ripped into here, by people who have no idea what it’s like!

You didn't find yourself in this situation, you chose to (and are still choosing) to put yourself in it.

Unlike the 9 year old boy who hasn't chosen any of it.

How many step parents put the children first? It is a choice to be a steparent it is not a competition

The OP is this man's partner of two years.

She's not this child's stepmother.

ETA: She only met his son a year ago.

Don't get into a relationship with a man with DC if you don't want to deal with him parenting those DC.

How ignorant. Plenty of people posting Will know what it’s like to be a step parent, as well as a step child.

Only stepmothers who are unreasonable! My daughter has a wonderful stepmother - my ex's wife - and I'm grateful for her.

I'm 44... and have a child of my own who has grown and flown. But glad I still sound young!

@ThreeM I understand your feelings and DP’s reasoning but from experience, if he hasn’t set strong boundaries now, he won’t. He will be afraid of her keeping the child from him/poisoning child against him and is likely afraid to do anything to upset her. It might be that he is just trying not to upset her until the divorce is done but if not, having experienced similar I wish I had ended things at the start, to be brutally honest.

This really has nothing to do with the ex. Your DH is just trying to be the best Dad he can, his parents just want to keep an eye on their DGS. Your DSS is a very lucky boy and hopefully he will grow up to display the same loving care and empathy his father and grandparents have. It's natural for you to be jealous, but these traits are one of the reasons you love your partner and enjoy his parents company. Sadly if you can't accept this then yes you probably should move on, but it seems a very poor reason to.

i am a step mom.
as i've said on other thread, my DSD is in her 30s and has a fab relationship with me, doesn't speak to my ExH though (her dad)

I hear a bit of both to be honest. You sound a bit jealous but equally it sounds like she is also pretty unreasonable. It’s also a rock and a hard place for your partner. Presumably he left her to find happiness, and he wants that, but he still has to dance to her tune to a degree for his son’s sake and to maintain a relationship with him.

You’re going to be in her son’s life potentially forever and given that her son spends so much time with you, you’d think she would WANT to get to know you and suss you out. It’s in her interests to have a good relationship with you for her son’s sake. From this side she is completely unreasonable in my eyes.

I’m sorry, but the grandparents are keeping a level of civility for their grandchild’s sake. GP’s in divorces are the first to get cut out with the child’s time already split between the parents. I fully understand what they are doing as they need to keep the peace. Maybe you can include them more in your family weekends so they don’t feel they need to see her more than a few times a year.

The child will be in secondary school soon and won’t need his dad to dress or get him ready for school. Yes- your DP will always have to have some level of contact with her, but it will lessen over time. The older and more independent the child gets, the less he can be used as a pawn for your DPs time and attention. He’ll have his own phone at some point too meaning DP can phone and text him directly and she can butt out.

All that said, it is a long game. You do have to grin and bear it to an extent when you’re a step parent.

There's always two sides to every story, you only have one perspective. At the end of the day it's nice he can spend time with his son before going to school, you should see this as a positive father and son bonding opportunity, carrying out a 'normal' routine, don't disrupt that.

You're right, and I hope she will fade into the background at his son grows and can come and go between them/us freely. I know these are the reasons I love him, and I agree jealously seems a really silly reason to throw away an otherwise good relationship, and future. I went to therapy before, maybe I just need to revisit that instead of looking to the internet for answers. Strangers behind keyboards and screens can be brutal!

I'm a step parent OP and I remember in the early years with my partner I'd be enraged on his behalf about some of the tricks his ex would play.

It took up far to much of my headspace and I couldn't believe he didn't kick off more of a fuss.

Then he told me that he wasn't prepared to give it any headspace/he'd had years of being angry and thinking things were unfair and just wasn't prepared for it to affect him anymore.

So I adopted the same - just gave it minimum thoughts/stopped my train of thought when I could tell I was becoming more emotional/angry. It was an effort to stop investing my thoughts/emotions as you feel so affronted on your partners behalf. You want a sense of justice/of the ex not getting away with causing so much hurt and drama and then getting to call the shots.

But really stopping myself thinking/stewing on it really helped me. Don't engage when his parents talk about the ex etc - just not worth you getting riled up.

And it does get better as they get older - more communication comes from the child/they set their own schedule and it all changes.

As I said, if you can - deliberately turn your mind from them - you're only going to cause yourself upset and it's his relationship to manage however best he can.

However - if his lack of action is giving you the ick - then it's a different story!

He keeps saying it won't always be like this, its just really hard sometimes to zone out from it. It is hard not to get swept away in thinking she's getting away with not being reasonable but I guess it will just take time.

I'm sure his parents don't go and chat to her about me, so maybe it needs to be the same the other direction, as in, not talking to me about her.

I hope there won't be such lack of action as the child grows, and the divorce is done.

Except if she needs to be at work before school starts.

You only have the word of people who know her through him, and who he has told the story of the marriage breakdown. He’s hardly going to tell those people the truth. There are always at least 3 sides to every story, but if his is even remotely true then spending more time with his child at their house is the right thing to do. What we’re hearing here is a 4th version which appears with every drip feed to paint this woman in the worst light to support your feelings.

You are right that you don’t matter. That’s as it should be. He’s an adult and can make his own choices. You can’t control him or his family either so accept he has a child, set your own boundaries for how he treats you, and let him be a father.

Do you have any children of your own OP?

How on earth is that relevant?

the child spends plenty of time with Dad,

Who are you to say that? maybe dad wants more time with HIS CHILD??? Maybe child appreciates more time with dad?

You need to realise that in a situation with a child and a parent you are so low down on the list of priorities.

I'm not trying to take anything away from a child,

ermm that exactly what you're trying to justify. You're trying to justify that you want to put in place boundaries that he doesn't go do the school run, that he doesn't go running over there when he gets a chance.

Date a single man with no children, maybe you be top of his priorities.

I think you’re being unreasonable. His child will always come first, always. He’s keeping it good for the child’s sake. I think being jealous & insecure will just drive him away op.

Yes I really had to shut down/distance myself from all those kinds of chats.

You just end up angry/thinking more about it. Especially if the grandparents are still willing to see the ex but also slate them to you.

I found myself thinking way too much about it and really had to adopt tactics to reign it in otherwise it would affect my mood.

I think with this kind of ex - it's a control thing (as always) but I always used to think - how sad that you have to pull these tricks to get some kind of enjoyment.

Honestly I was so much happier when I stopped investing any energy into how there could be a better dynamic/ways to manage co parenting. And if his son is 9 - in a couple of years he'll be so much more independent it will be a different story. Especially when he goes off to high-school- will 100% change.

in your opinion or circumstances...

when will people realise that sweeping statements aren't helpful.

I do, yes. Grown up and left home so completely different circumstances to my OH.