AIBU Not wanting my partner to go to his ex's house?

[ThreeM]

My partners ex is quite manipulative - they've been separated 3 years this summer (she took no responsibility for the failure of their marriage even though it didn't sound like she contributed much to it) but seems intent on punishing him for leaving forever more.

They have 1 child who is 9, who spends every other weekend and 2 nights a week with us. There's one day per week where she insists he drives a 50 mile round trip to go to her house, to get the child ready for school, and he just does it. She doesn't come in our house, so I don't think he should go in hers, what was their marital home. I think its confusing for the child - and if I'm honest, it makes me uncomfortable. Like them playing house, like nothing ever happened and they never separated.

There are also often phonecalls, which just sound like cosy little family chats. She NEVER lets the child speak to Dad unspervised, she's always there, taking over the conversation, trying to just chat to him and tell him about what she's been doing. He says he doesn't care, but he also never really stops her, albeit he sometimes guides the chat back to his child.

I don't know if I'm being the unreasonable person, but I think there should be much clearer boundaries. He seems to let her walk all over him, but always agrees with me if I bring it up.

She invited him over to visit last week, I'm not sure exactly why, but he didn't go - and instead his parents went. I also find this really strange. She was awful to him when they were married, his mother will openly admit that, but yet they go and sit and drink tea and have these visits. If someone had treated my son that way, there's no way I could be in the same room.

I just don't know where I fit in - the ex won't talk to me, because I'm obviously a road block to her ever getting back with her ex, so its just like they pretend I don't exist. I'm a jealous person by nature, and I don't know if its just jealously taking over, or if I am justified in my feelings.

Sure, but listen to your feelings and act accordingly — ultimately, yours is the only behaviour you can change here. Three people have a system that appears to work for them. All you can decide is whether it’s something you can get on board with or not.

It’s a shame that more parents and grandparents can’t manage to put aside their differences and just be kind and civil for the sake of their child/grandchild. The fact your partner and his parents can do this is a massive green flag. The fact that you can’t see that says more about you than it does about your partner or even his ex.

I think YABU. When you got together with someone who had a child from a previous relationship surely you considered what that might look like?
They appear to be coparenting very well. This is all amazing and very beneficial for his DC.
You are living in a slightly blended family. He has to communicate with his ex for his child. Nothing wrong with that at all. And I'm sure it's much better for a child to see mam and dad being amicable rather than being banned from each other houses or hostile with each other.

I didn’t read the age. I just meant his presence in the morning must be nice. Bit pedantic

This situation wouldn’t work for me at all. You are living with a married man. I just wouldn’t do that.

I think at this stage you either suck it up or you split up.

From reading your posts I thought you were quite young and I guessed he might be a fair bit older

Spot on.

Everyone sounds like a good example to children here- except you!
You are being very childish and short sighted. You should leave him , you do not seem to understand parenting. You will damage his children and the family.

God god- it’s not about the actual task of the child getting dressed! You are being so twisted and missing the bigger picture.
It’s about the child having a normal school morning with Dad. Get up , wash , breakfast etc . I think it’s fantastic that the Dad wants to take part in the mundane elements and not be a Disney dad.
This is a child’s life not a schedule designed to please you . These years will shape the child. You are an adult and a step parent. It’s not all about you.

I share a 14 year old son with my ex husband. We were married for 11 years, but separated after 7. We weren’t in a big hurry to get divorced, and we remain very amicable to this day.

I’ve since remarried and he’s engaged to a new woman. There were issues arising in the past from partners that would question the depth of our friendship, but it was purely platonic.

One of his exes spent a considerable amount of time demanding that he cut me out, but he made it clear that he would always maintain a strong, close relationship with me because we are still family. It didn’t go down well, and eventually they split. She messaged me saying “Well now you’ve got what you wanted”, which couldn’t be further from the truth. What I actually wanted, was a peaceful, stable life, for both of us. We were very clearly better apart, and I wanted to see him happy and settled with his new life.

I think it’s too easy to put the blame on the ex, but the truth is, nobody really understands the true dynamics of their relationship other than the two parties involved. You know the saying “There are 3 sides to every story - his side, her side, and the truth”.

As difficult as it may be, I would try hard to focus on the positive way they’re managing the navigate the sometimes tricky playing field that is the world of co-parenting. He’s putting his child first, and making an effort to be consistently present and supportive, as is his family. I think this speaks volumes about their character, and it shouldn’t be spun in a negative light.

Maybe he ‘just does it’ because he enjoys spending that extra time with his child? If my DH and I split I’d hate to lose them EOW and 2 nights a week, and would take any opportunity I could to see them more often.
Ditto with his parents… I assume they go and sit in the same room with the ex because it means they get to spend more time with their grandchild? You don’t seem to understand that at the heart of this is a child who your partner and his family love, and they’ll put up with spending time with the ex in order to spend more time with that child.

Don’t give any headspace to what his parents are doing. They probably don’t like her but are wise enough to realise that maintaining a good relationship with her ensures their access to the child at any time (not restricted to when the child is in their sons care) and generally makes everyone’s lives easier for occasions like birthdays, nativities, school assemblies and eventually graduations, weddings and the like. It really doesn’t benefit them at all to refuse to sit in a room with her.

I think you need to work on your jealousy. No doubt your partner is feeling pulled in multiple directions. Everything he is doing benefits his child so just focus on that. You aren’t in competition with his ex wife.

If someone had treated my son that way, there's no way I could be in the same room.

You would if you wanted a close and ongoing relationship with your grandchild.

It sounds frustrating, but in the end you have no right to decide what is best for their child and what boundaries ‘should’ be in place or what causes confusion.

Codswallop.

The child stays at his dad's several nights a week, a nine-year-old does not need a parent to do a 50 mile journey to dress them.

As I said earlier post a good coparenting relationship is fantastic, a situation where the bloke is just doing whatever the ex wants is not, he needs to stop being so wet and step up

But the dad does this two mornings a week in his own house, he doesn't need to be in the exes house doing a third morning a week.

Obviously, if he's happy to do it, then going to do it if needed (for example, his ex needs to leave for work early one morning a week, then fine) but just to go because she can't be bothered to take the child to school also so that they can play happy families one morning a week it's just not on.

Or maybe it’s because he likes to see his child for that extra morning a week? I wouldn’t like to only spend 2 mornings a week with my children. The OP said that the ex has calculated how much time he can have the child based on how much maintenance he’ll get, so maybe this is the only way he gets to spend more time with the child he presumably loves and wants to spend time with?

Why not? Is there a reason you think the mum should be doing the lion’s share?

It’s not actually any of your business! I’m not taking anyone’s side here but this is between them as parents to that little girl. It’s up to them to decide what’s best for her. What you like or don’t like doesn’t come into it. You don’t get a say.

But that’s not OP’s place to declare whether it’s needed by the child or not. It’s between mum & dad and mum & dad only.

Sorry, that should read ‘how much maintenance she gets’.
Anyway the point is, everyone is saying ‘why does he need to go and help?’. Well maybe he doesn’t need to, but he wants to because he loves his child and wants to spend time with said child.

I think a bigger issue is the divorce not being final yet.

She's allowed to tell her DP what she thinks, it's affecting their life and their relationship.

He deserves the right to know how she feels and have the opportunity to address it, before she decides just to walk away from the relationship.

for me, it would depend whether there was a need for it (such as the mother leaving early for work) or whether it was just the ex seeing how high he will jump. He's parenting in his own home, unless there is an actual need for it, it's just the ex still wanting control, to have him do a 50 mile trip for a school run. Wanting him in the ex family home, probably just to cause hassle in his new relationship. He needs to step up and say no, or just go back to her & stop messing the OP around

What if he wants to see his child for an extra morning?

Well, she's not is she? She's making him drive 50 miles to do another school run so he's doing the Lions share.

Would you like to only see your child every other weekend and 2 nights a week?