AIBU Not wanting my partner to go to his ex's house?

[ThreeM]

My partners ex is quite manipulative - they've been separated 3 years this summer (she took no responsibility for the failure of their marriage even though it didn't sound like she contributed much to it) but seems intent on punishing him for leaving forever more.

They have 1 child who is 9, who spends every other weekend and 2 nights a week with us. There's one day per week where she insists he drives a 50 mile round trip to go to her house, to get the child ready for school, and he just does it. She doesn't come in our house, so I don't think he should go in hers, what was their marital home. I think its confusing for the child - and if I'm honest, it makes me uncomfortable. Like them playing house, like nothing ever happened and they never separated.

There are also often phonecalls, which just sound like cosy little family chats. She NEVER lets the child speak to Dad unspervised, she's always there, taking over the conversation, trying to just chat to him and tell him about what she's been doing. He says he doesn't care, but he also never really stops her, albeit he sometimes guides the chat back to his child.

I don't know if I'm being the unreasonable person, but I think there should be much clearer boundaries. He seems to let her walk all over him, but always agrees with me if I bring it up.

She invited him over to visit last week, I'm not sure exactly why, but he didn't go - and instead his parents went. I also find this really strange. She was awful to him when they were married, his mother will openly admit that, but yet they go and sit and drink tea and have these visits. If someone had treated my son that way, there's no way I could be in the same room.

I just don't know where I fit in - the ex won't talk to me, because I'm obviously a road block to her ever getting back with her ex, so its just like they pretend I don't exist. I'm a jealous person by nature, and I don't know if its just jealously taking over, or if I am justified in my feelings.

I'm just repeating what his Dad says, thats who I am to say that.

Also not trying to take anything away from the child, I think children (and adults actually) benefit from knowing where they stand and when. How is it good to have people wafting in and out at their leisure, rather than knowing who does what, on what days? There's nothing wrong with structure.

It wasn't meant as a compliment I don't think 🤔

You're not taking on board a single thing, are you?

I know... there's not many compliments on here, was just trying to have a sense of humour

oh i see.

so you're trying to push how you did single parenting onto your partner and his ex, rather than understanding he might choose to do it differently.

Just as a warning. This may not end when the child grows up either. My dad attended the funerals of my mother’s parents when they died, despite having divorced decades earlier, as he had fond memories of them when we were kids, when we went on holidays together and so on. My mother was a lazy parent who didn’t treat him well too, it could be argued. But no one fell out with her or kept up a grudge. My father’s new wife has never been happy about their relationship, how he would come over to our house. His wife would be ringing asking where he is and is he coming back yet. It’s not as easy situation although for us kids, it’s been really good that they had a positive co parenting dynamic.

I wasn't a single parent.... where did I say that?

What I would get him to commit to is a timeframe for divorce. If he won’t, you leave.

Because that to me is the biggest issue here. He’s hedging his bets. Or he’s as weak as water.

Either way, not something any woman needs in her life.

Hi OP I'm a step-parent. I had similar emotions for the first few years. I worked through it, and am not proud of how badly I dealt with it at first.

I'm a bit of a rigid thinker and just wanted a different sort of life for myself, and had to compromise so much more for so much less. Looking back, I wouldn't do it again, but I love DP and my SC. Life has worked out differently than I hoped but it's okay, am glad I learned to overcome jealousy, and to have learned a lot about myself.

A few suggestions, in no particular order:

How much do you love him - can you make dealing with this part of your commitment to him - he can't find it easy being tied to someone else he finds difficult.

For me, having my own child put a lot into perspective. Can you think back to what it was like with a young child?

The mother may have great strengths and be a great mother but not be particularly great at housework/being organised in the morning.

The child won't need dressing & ferrying to school for much longer.

Thank your lucky stars the boy is healthy and able - things could be much tougher and sadder for you all.

You will need your partner's forbearance at some point, you don't know when. Right now he needs your tolerance; at some point you will need his.

Do you want to be the kind of person who polices his phone calls?

No partner is perfect. This one comes with this baggage. Others have other baggage, even if they don't have children and a crazy ex. And remember that all men with children say their ex is crazy. Others are workaholics or have substance issues, or indebted, or they bang on about their hobbies incessantly, or can't relate well to other people, or are extremely needy/controlling/whatever. If he's generally sound apart from this - and him being a good parent must make him a more attractive person - think realistically about whether the dating pool offers much better. And if you find day-to-day compromise/fuzziness difficult, just be single and don't look for committed relationships.

Try therapy. If you can't access affordable therapy, stints of working through ChatGPT can really help. I spent a morning recently when processing some resentment and by the end I had worked through it.

Try and visualise yourself being friendly, if not friends, with the mother. Think of the best possible version of her. I gradually learned that my SC's mother was funny and caring, and always put her children first. Think about what you have in common, and how you're ultimately on the same side - you want the child to grow up well and launch into adulthood successfully. Nobody is a unicorn, and there will be some things that she is very capable at that you struggle with.

Things will also change when she finds a new partner - she will look for emotional support less - though it may bring other complications, e.g. if her partner has children and a difficult ex.

Don't let your resentment show to mutual friends or your partner's family - it will reflect badly on you, even if that feels unfair.

When your partner's busy with his child or doing school runs or whatever, that gives you time and space for other things. Don't put all your focus on your partner & family life. Work, friendship and outside interests are really, really important for women in their 40s.

Life is long - then suddenly short. You can do this. But if you don't really want to, that's okay. Bow out gracefully and work out what you want out of life and relationships.

I agree with you but I think your ability to influence this is really low, and overstepping. It’s up to them to make mistakes in how they parent.

It sounds like they do know what they are doing though. Your partner has their child EOW plus 2 nights in the week and does one morning/school run. How is that not a structure?

Dads not wafting in and out at his leisure, he's doing a school run once a week, presuming that's an agreement, he doesn't just rock up to the house unannounced and decide and announce I'm doing the school run today ex wife, stay in bed daddies here?

Child knows dad takes them to school once a week...

ergo it's a structured agreement between the 3 important people in the scenario. The 2 parents and the child.

Not to be confused with those unimportant people outside the situation (trying to stop it occurring) like new partners.

Don't forget, this situation is different than how you would handle it because its not yours to command. It may be happening totally differently to how you and your ex ha die things - because its not you or your ex (or your kids). Let them handle their own business, you need to find ways to be at peace woth the arrangements in place, and not let it bother you, or you need to walk away.

How many 9 year-olds need dressing for school?

you didn't

you did say you're 44, with a child who has 'grown and flown', that you've been with your partner for 3 years. so met him at 40/41.

So, at some point, unless you're a bigamist or adulterer, you were in a relationship which clearly ended, with a child or teen involved, so there must be some aspect of 'co-parenting' that went on with your Ex.

you don't need to be doing it with a small child for there to be an opinion on how it ought to be done to grow.

I think people are being a little harsh to you here OP. They’re quite right in what they’re saying, but it is also a situation you have to get used to if you’ve never been in this situation before. It takes time to get used to a situation where your partner is in regular contact with his ex, even though it’s for his son. Possibly discuss with your partner in a calm way and tell him how you feel and discuss how he can help you feel more secure etc. I obviously don’t mean for him to not get on with his ex, but to see how you can both find a way forward where you feel more at ease too. Your feelings matter as well.

Well, I think because you have a child and because you’re in a relationship with this guy, it was probably assumed you….weren’t in a relationship with the father…?

There's obviously 2 sides to every story, but the general consensus from anyone I know who knows her, is this woman was lazy, contributed nothing to the running of the house, only worked 2 days per week but expected him to do all the housework, cooking, cleaning, nursery runs while working full time etc and was quite degrading in just how she treated him in general.

IF he had to do everything to keep house and home together, are you sure he isn’t keeping a present in the home to ensure his child isn’t being raised in squalor?

A bigamist or adulterer aren't the only options, but thats a whole other subject thats irrelevant. There wasn't any co-parenting options for me in my siutation unfortunately.

Agree with @comfyslippets. AIBU isn't the right place for this sort of request for advice.

Society is very unsupportive of step-parents - and it's an important role! (Only one friend was honest and clear-sighted enough to advise me against.)

The others were either clueless or over-optimistic, or just very badly-informed on what blended families might be like nowadays. I had no role models or people who could give meaningful advice.

It's human to feel resentment and frustration. But it's against our interests, not to mention deeply-unfair on the children, to let it show.

We need to find positive ways to ask for what we need - but compromises are usually available, so we need to avoid the trap of a scarcity mindset.

We should ignore people who make us feel monsters for our feelings and who expect us to be saintly & self-sacrificial in return for the great prize of a man. However - we do have control over our behaviour and how we articulate our thoughts, and we'll be held to account for them, rightly too.

I think when you said...

I'm just not sure why they can't do that the time he's with his dad, it just seems alien to me. My boundaries with my ex and his family are crystal clear, but I guess some people don't mind grey areas, I just need to know exactly where I am or I go into a massive decline mentally.

People assumed you were a single parent?

good lord. the point is whether you managed to co-parent with your Ex or not because of some reason out of your control, you were and are now a single parent... and from what you have said, you are projecting your opinion on how people should parent onto the relationship that remains with your partner and HIS ex.

You can't do that.

@ShortyShorts OP might have those boundaries in place now, but have raised the child until they were grown within the relationship.

Or they may have been in a relationship with their child's father while they were in prison/working abroad, so not co-parenting/shuttling a child between households at weekends.

I don't think it matters for the sake of the thread.

As i said upthread, you're allowed your feelings, what you do with that is up to you, deal with them or don't, stay or don't, but having a partner with kids comes with pitfalls if you can't accept how they choose to navigate the co-parenting.

You have 3 choices.
1)discuss your feelings with your partner about his Ex and see if something can be done/changed.. that really can't include banning him from her house btw.
,2) ignore it and just accept it is what it is.
3) cut your losses, accept being a step parent isn't for you and leave him.

Step parenting and having to navigate the sometimes god awful relationship a co-parenting couple have with each other IS NOT easy.. i could curl your toes with some of the crap my ExH and his First Wife did to each other, and what goes on between my brother and his ExW (they are NC, all communication via solicitor) and what my poor current SIL has to put up with (i adore her, told them if they split i'm keeping her in the divorce)

It's no failing on your part to admit to yourself if it isn't FOR you, but if he is worth the hassle, you are going to have to go with 1 or 2.

Personally, having done it once (The step parenting thing) i wouldn't do it again... i avoid men with kids now.

He is trying to support his child, as are his parents, grandparents must stay neutral towards the resident parent to continue building a relationship with the grandchild.
If his mother was to say her piece she wouldn't be welcome to visit.
My DS still a child, I will stay neutral if it ever happens to him, for everyone's sake.
As the child gets older, he'll gain more confidence in saying no.

Sounds like they are all handling the situation with maturity and putting the child first - you need to accept that or split up