AIBU Not wanting my partner to go to his ex's house?

[ThreeM]

My partners ex is quite manipulative - they've been separated 3 years this summer (she took no responsibility for the failure of their marriage even though it didn't sound like she contributed much to it) but seems intent on punishing him for leaving forever more.

They have 1 child who is 9, who spends every other weekend and 2 nights a week with us. There's one day per week where she insists he drives a 50 mile round trip to go to her house, to get the child ready for school, and he just does it. She doesn't come in our house, so I don't think he should go in hers, what was their marital home. I think its confusing for the child - and if I'm honest, it makes me uncomfortable. Like them playing house, like nothing ever happened and they never separated.

There are also often phonecalls, which just sound like cosy little family chats. She NEVER lets the child speak to Dad unspervised, she's always there, taking over the conversation, trying to just chat to him and tell him about what she's been doing. He says he doesn't care, but he also never really stops her, albeit he sometimes guides the chat back to his child.

I don't know if I'm being the unreasonable person, but I think there should be much clearer boundaries. He seems to let her walk all over him, but always agrees with me if I bring it up.

She invited him over to visit last week, I'm not sure exactly why, but he didn't go - and instead his parents went. I also find this really strange. She was awful to him when they were married, his mother will openly admit that, but yet they go and sit and drink tea and have these visits. If someone had treated my son that way, there's no way I could be in the same room.

I just don't know where I fit in - the ex won't talk to me, because I'm obviously a road block to her ever getting back with her ex, so its just like they pretend I don't exist. I'm a jealous person by nature, and I don't know if its just jealously taking over, or if I am justified in my feelings.

Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors and when a relationship breaks down, it is normal for the person who decides to leave to exaggerate how terrible things were to justify their decision (which is not an easy one when children are involved).

It's not really any of your business what your DP's parents choose to do; they obviously want to have a relationship with their grandchild.

I think you really need to consider whether a relationship with a parent is right for you. Because nothing here suggests anything but a supportive set up for the 9 year old. It's hard to understand why any of it bothers you so much unless you think your DP and his ex are having a quickie while he's there for the school run?

Because of where the kid goes to school, and where she lives. I guess all these traits are that of a terrible wife, and an excellent mother instead!

She's still the mother of his child and the mother of his parents' grandchild. That won't ever change and they sound like good people to be working to maintain relationships (all of them, including her tbh).

Just because they seem to rant about her to me, and call her all sorts - but then go and visit her and I assume aren't calling her to her face... mixed messages maybe, trying to keep everyone happy.

God, you constantly referring to your partner's son as 'the kid', makes it sound like you're talking about a piece of furniture, rather than a 9 year old child.

You are overthinking every aspect of this because you don't want to face the actual problem, which is your fundamental incompatibility.

I assume they don't call her all sorts in front of their grandchild.

They are entitled to their opinion on how she treated her son and still also entitled to a relationship with their grandchild.

Yeah I get that - seems like even if we're together for the rest of time, their 6 year marriage will superseed that.

This with bells on. There’s a child in the middle of this (and it’s not you).

They have a child together - of course he goes into her house! He needs to do whatever is best for his child, and that includes having a good relationship with the mother.

He's too nice and needs to put boundaries in place with her - when it's his time with child he doesn't need to tell her anything if hes stops it elimistes some of her control. The rest I dnt think is an issue and you would be best placed to keep out of the 50 mile trip to get the child ready for school will naturally come to an end contact evolves as children grow up

@ThreeM so what is the ex doing while your partner is getting child dressed for school?? mind you, shouldnt the child be old enough to get themself ready for school now??? she obviously see your partner as a bit of a pushover!

Sorry, I'm trying to keep it vague because I don't actually have anyone in real life who I'd want to speak to about it, so don't want anyone I know figuring out its me 😥

“ I just need to know exactly where I am or I go into a massive decline mentally“

This is an enlightening line OP and shows the issues are yours. Stop trying to control this situation, you are trying to take something away from a child.

I'm not trying to take anything away from a child, the child spends plenty of time with Dad, in Dads time. Why have a custody arrangement with set days, if mum can just click her fingers on her days, and dad comes running?

I had a similar situation but it got to the point whereby my partner was attending barbeques, having meals at his ex, having haircuts, umpteen phone calls about nothing, driving 40 miles to help her when her tyre burst, doing DIY despite her having a partner who she left my dp for. I blew up eventually and partners mum took my side, and he nipped it in the bud & kept it to just the necessary stuff involving his son. He took umbridge at me taking in a delivery of a kitchen for my ex whilst he was at work & he lived very near to me. Sheesh....I think it's control and manipulation, power trip stuff.

Good question, I don't know because the school in en-route to her work, so it wouldn't be a harship for her to do the drop off. Its control, but it seems like its perceived as normal here

This makes no sense.

Did you reply to the correct post?

How does you calling your partner's 9 year old son 'the kid', mean no-one's going to figure out it's you, given the level of detail you've posted?

Either way, how long do you think your partner and his family are going to put up with your jealousy?

And more to the point do you think it's fair that they should?

You sound like your jealous of their co-parenting relationship. Which is for the good of the child.
Would you rather they had screaming rows and slagged eachother off in front of him?.

His child is his priority and rightly so. You can't ban him from going there occasionally to see his kid. If you think he wants to get back with her then you should dump him. Otherwise it's not your concern how he brings up his kid.

you sound very jealous to be honest. i can understand any person putting up with a fair bit if it means they can continue a relationship with their child, especially one so young. i dont find it at all odd that grandparents still visit and see the child.

remember, you only have one side to this story and thats his. i note that you say 'others' around you have said the same about her. the question is 'why'? why are you asking other people about his past relationship?

You sound rather immature.

Your partner’s ex does about 60% of the care of the child, so she does most of the legwork, but you’re acting like your partner is father of the year and he’s being manipulated into looking after his own child.

My ex used to come to my house 1 morning a week to look after the kids, get them ready and take them to school. The school is on my way to work too but I needed to leave home at 7.30am so it was either this option or the kids would go to breakfast club. He doesn’t do this anymore but he does come over one evening a week to see the kids. Why shouldn’t he? I don’t even want him in my house but I tolerate it because it’s good for the kids because they get to see more of him and I think it’s good for them to see us get on.

Out of interest how many school runs does your partner do? Why do you think his ex is controlling when perhaps she just expects him to be a present parent?

Sorry but it doesn’t seem like she’s got the child as much to get money. It seems like with the distance, there’s no way that dad can have the child stay during weekdays to be able to do the school run. And it’s not fair for him to have the other half of the weekends or she won’t have downtime with the children.

she is asking for help on ONE morning a week. I assume that she works that day? Or needs downtime or something that time, it’s the least he can do. You seem so incredibly bitter.

This says it all - please just move on from this relationship.

He does seem to have form for choosing crazy women

This is about your insecurities and jealousy, not their coparenting.

You aren’t suited to this sort of arrangement. Someone with a child isn’t a good fit for you because the child should always be the priority for his parent. That means getting on with the ex, doing things together sometimes, and a lot of give and take lasting decades.

And yes, at the theoretical wedding of this boy, you will (and should) be sidelined because he will want his parents there.

Call it a day.