To feel that breastfeeding is undermined?

[Olive96]

I am currently breastfeeding my son. I can’t help but feel that in an effort to reassure formula feeding families, breastfeeding is totally undermined.

for the record, I think it’s totally fine to feed babies however you want but the truth is that I chose to try extremely hard to breastfeed because of all the benefits. People will say things like ‘formula is so good now there’s basically no difference’ etc. are these statements true or just an attempt to justify (which I don’t think is necessary) FF.

I am proud of persevering with breastfeeding - even saying that I feel like I’ll get flamed, but it’s true - it did take a lot of effort and perseverance, it was hard! and I want to be able to say that and be proud of the achievement without being accused of being up myself or out of order.

I’m starting to feel flat about there being no point to it at all

YANBU.

I learnt quite early on to not mention I was breastfeeding if I was with formula feeding mothers. I was made to feel ashamed about making the decision and received quite a lot of unnecessary digs.

And God forbid I made any comment about any difficulties I was having…..the usual reaction I got was a sneer and them telling me they “couldn’t be doing with any of that” and that is why they formula fed, followed by insinuations that I was stupid to breastfeed because formula was just as good.

It was very, very disheartening and quite often it made me feel shit about myself.

Attending breastfeeding groups was my saviour really, it was the only place I could go to for any kind of support or empathy, or not be criticised or laughed at for making the decision to breastfeed instead of bottle feed.

I’m sure women who chose to bottle feed will say they experienced the exact same thing from breastfeeding mothers, but seeing as the numbers of babies being formula fed far outweighs the number of babies being breastfed, the breastfeeding mothers are certainly the minority. Formula feeding is overwhelmingly the most common form of feeding a baby and I think that women who breastfeed, and being in the minority group, have to deal with a lot of misunderstanding, criticism and judgement towards them.

OP you said you’re returning to work when your baby is one.

Either you are choosing to do this for yourself, or you have no choice and you have to. I judge you for it because I don’t think children should be in childcare until they are 3. It’s better for them to be with their primary caregiver until that age.

Do you see the parallels with breastfeeding? You feel pride that you are breastfeeding your baby, but why? There will be so many other things you are doing that can be argued aren’t the best for your child.

Just do your own thing, stop navel gazing about it, and carry on.

Breastmilk as a substance is obviously superior to formula for human babies. I don’t know why people lie to themselves that this isn’t true.

That’s not to say that breastfeeding is always the better decision for every individual baby and mum.

You should be proud of your efforts to BF, it’s not easy and I don’t know why HCPs lie and say it is easy and doesn’t hurt.

How you feed your baby in infancy is such a small part of parenting and when you look at the many decisions and choices you’ll make throughout parenthood, it’s quite far down the pecking order of what’s actually important and what makes a measurable difference to their lives. So you SHOULD be proud and it does make a difference on a population level, but don’t get too bogged down in the feeding thing either way. Trickier things are yet to come.

OP, i totally get it.
we live in a culture where bottle feeding is the default (thanks to formula companies) and breastfeeding is seen as the “not default” choice. This means that people
love to remark on it. I found not so much when baby was under 6 months but certainly then the comments started “are you STILL breastfeeding?” “How long to do plan to keep that child on the boob for????” and it too found it really hard as I was being asked to justify my choice. The real reason for my choice is that I believe human babies should be fed human milk if at all possible. But that feels like something people here would call “shaming” and “smug”.

like you, I worked hard to BF and found it very very hard being the only person who could feed my baby, but I continued for the benefit of my baby. I didn’t want to go around talking about it BUT I felt I had to keep it secret. So mothers would be talking about bottles, about sterilisers etc and I would be silent and then when it got weird and they said what bottles do you use and I said “I don’t use bottles, he’s breastfed” they looked at me with this mixture of horror and disgust.
I felt judged by pro-formula society constantly. I don’t need validation but I did feel horrible that people behaved as though I was being smug just by breastfeeding or by daring to make reference to it in conversation!

God forbid a conversation develops!

I didn’t say I wanted to me able to debate about it - what I said is I wanted to be able to talk about it, and what I’ve already clarified is that what I meant is that in a situation where it is being discussed I would like to be able to talk about BF positively and in a situation where I am asked questions about my choices I would like to be able to defend these with the research I have - I do not feel it is acceptable to do that.

stop trying to catch me out - it’s weird, it’s dickish, I don’t really understand why you’re on this thread

@Olive96 It’s so hard to talk about it so I would not bother. You were looking for validation and you did come across as smug, if flat, because you felt you were not getting the praise you deserve. It’s starting the conversation from attending to be superior. I’d just do what you can and chill out. As all mums should. No one really cares I’m afraid.

I knew 100% l didn't want to breast feed but honestly, anyone who wants to, good for them.

Okay yes - you’ve articulated how I feel perfectly thank you!! I’m just starting to navigate this as my baby turns 6 months (I didn’t have it first time round because we were all locked away!) so that’s why I’m feeling a little flat I think.

thank you for responding usefully!

But I think that’s fine??? You’re allowed to judge me for sending my 1 year old to childcare. I stand by my decision. You’re also allowed to be proud for dedicating your life to your child in the way that you think is best.
but if people keep asking you “why are you still breastfeeding” it’s hard to answer without saying….i think it is better for babies.

I couldn’t breastfeed my first and I decided to go straight to formula for my second. No one commented or gives a crap how I feed him. Nor do I care how other people feed their babies. It’s only important to you. I have many friends who breastfeed but they don’t go on about it nor do they seem bothered what I do. I didn’t find I was judged for ff but then I didn’t feel insecure about it.

Op

I suspect no one wants to talk about it
so if you go today and say you’re tired and someone says “give a bottle”. They don’t actually give a damn or went to talk about how you feed.

either jack in these odd baby groups that 6 months on are still navel gazing about this

or just smile and nod and then move the conversation on

I found other mums very supportive of everyone’s choice to how they wanted to feed to their babies.

I had bad experiences with my own mother and people who were from a different generation. The constant “they will sleep better if you feed them formula” or “I stopped breastfeeding because of the biting” or “anything over 1 years is getting a bit old don’t you think”

The answer is simply. "It works for me". Op you are moving in rhe wrong circles. I can safely say that with any baby group etc no one batted an eyelid as to how other babies were fed.
And now they are grown no one can tell the difference how they were fed as babies just do what works for you.

I do see the parallels - now what if I quite regularly asked you to defend not sending your child to childcare? You’re lucky if you feel like you could actually say the above in real life without looking like a total dick

Where do you live OP?

I am SE. Yes we spoke about feeding in newborn days but in a vaguely interested tired way and then moved on pretty sharpish

by 6 months it was well and truly about weaning

Have you never encountered a study performed on non-human primates?

In these groups op, what’s roughly ratio of FF to BF?

This is so weird. 2 babies and I have never heard anyone ask anyone ‘if they are STILL breastfeeding’, from a judgemental stance. I have heard it, then followed up by ‘that’s great, good on you’ - ie wasn’t being asked with any judgement. How bizarre are these random mums are groups that you are hanging out at?

Well done for keeping going. It’s admirable. But bottle feeding mums (most of who will have ‘failed’ breastfeeding (I fall into this category before anyone takes offence)) might not be your cheerleaders. Just accept that. Any actually good friends should be able to see beyond their own feelings and be happy for you. But this is such an emotive subject with small babies that you’re best just to take people with a pinch of salt.

For these audiences, I think you need a stock phrase of ‘we worked really hard to establish breastfeeding, and now it’s working for us, we will continue until it isn’t’ - rinse and repeat. Remember in the back of your head that people are carrying their own thoughts and feelings about breastfeeding/formula feeding. As someone who ‘failed’ breastfeeding, all my friends breastfed, and don’t think any of us ever made the others feel bad - we were all mindful of each others challenges.

And then at your breastfeeding group/with breast feeding mums/with your DP/ with other supportive people discuss and get validation that you’ve done really well for your baby. Talk about those challenges and why you keep going, because of the benefits.

All in all it’s just about people being mindful of each other isn’t it. I have never fed my baby a pouch, which has been pretty hard sometimes, but I don’t get offended when people say ‘I just gave my baby a pouch because it’s just as a good as fresh’…

Well, maybe times have changed. “It works for me” is met with “but WHY?” “You need
to get them off the boob” “there’s no benefit after 6 months”. If you just keep repeating “it works for me” like a robot you sound deranged.

That is so awful, I'm so sorry.

When did you have your children?

Best thing I did was avoid baby groups - so not my thing. I went back to work when they were six months old (normal maternity leave then) so avoided weaning talk (they were very successfully weaned on shock horror, jars and pouches)🤣

There's a book about Breastfeeding Grief and Trauma which may help you. https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/why-breastfeeding-grief-and-trauma-matter-book-amy-brown-9781780666150 x

Said before but I wish the NHS could find a way to normalise and support BF without all the emotional baggage that new mums seem to be left with. OP it's not right the way people talk to you about still breastfeeding but I can see how it can come from their own hurt.