Husband won’t rearrange his holiday

[ThisPearlCritic]

My best friend and I had planned a big holiday with 8 of our close friends in the summer to celebrate a number of significant events.

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away. He could move his holiday forward or backward to accommodate me but has refused, and has become very insistent that he won’t move his dates because he booked his holiday first.

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

My husband keeps pointing to this and has made it clear it’s my turn to rearrange my holiday. However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible. I feel he is being intentionally difficult and doing this on purpose, whilst my friend had an unforeseen emergency.

This disagreement has seeped into other areas of my life and we are constantly squabbling and arguing. I am worried where this might lead.
AIBU to ask him to rearrange his leave.

And his brothers? Also what about their partners who may have scheduled their plans around their husbands being away?

You seem remarkably unconcerned about the impact on anyone other than yourself and your friends.

I assume they have possibly booked a campsite unless they are wild camping, so that would have to be re-booked?

If you can't find a time when it's convienient for everyone, you'll have to celebrate another way or take a belated trip.

But surely it inconveniences the father, the brothers and subsequently their wives, their children. He’s going away with other people, as are you. His trip is booked, yours is NOT. He sacrificed a lot for you last time, you need to sort this with your friends. Leave him out of it.

You can, you just don't want to.

We celebrated our 40th's last year in a big girls holiday, 2-3 years after most of us actually turned 40 due to COVID and other life plans.

You could absolutely celebrate your milestones any time because you're not children and you understand that sometimes things have to be delayed.

Your DH has plans that are important to him with his father and brother, he's already shown that he is flexible when it's important, this is just scheduling.

Sorry OP I think YABU here.

I cannot, these are significant birthdays and milestones events for me and my friends. We won’t have that next year.

🙄

If I was your friend that your husband had cancelled his event for I'd go next year so as not to put him out again.

If it it so important how are you only now booking for this Summer?

Complete contempt for anyone apart from herself, and her friends. Maybe DH has only ever been a paycheck and sperm donor?

Your husband is right. He booked first AND he made accommodations for you previously. Your time isn’t more important than his.

Why doesn’t he come first for her? Why does her holiday outrank his? Why can’t one of the other friends rearrange something? I don’t get it.

You demonstrate to your husband that you put your mates before him. Especially given the background that you stayed with your best friend last year when they had a family emergency - when your DH had tickets for a major event already booked. He's probably pissed off with your change of plans last year and thinks your arrangements might be a bit flaky again so doesn't want to change his plans this year - and I do not blame him!

I don't think you would be unreasonable to ask him. He has said no. If there truly was nothing hindering him changing his holiday then it would seem unreasonable of him to refuse. However if he has booked leave from work, made plans with his dad and brother etc then him having to change those plans isn't nothing.

When choosing dates with your friends, you should have marked yourself unavailable that week. I agree with other posters asking why it is you (actually your DH) having to be the one to move things rather than one of the other friends to find a date that works. If you can't find a date that works then someone has to miss out. Or you have to arrange for eg your parents to come and look after the kids so that you and your DH can both go on holiday.

This.

If one was asked to write the definition of 'selfish fucker' I think OP's posts would be a good start. 😂

You’re so unreasonable. He’s booked first, if anything you owe him one. You don’t have to rearrange 9 people. You stay home
and the rest travel. See how you like that. You didn’t mind when it was him you inconvenienced.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Your partner and you should both be working to find a workable solution with the most happy outcomes, not point scoring about who has sacrificed the most. If my holiday was moveable as his is, I would move it. Marriage is a team sport, juggling what you can where you can is just good strategy.

Do his brothers have annual leave booked? Not sure why they should all reschedule for your convenience.

You may have to think outside the box if going away the same week if it's so important to you.. how old are your kids? Can they stay with friends?

Divorce the husband, marry your friends instead. He obviously doesn't feature anywhere near the top of your priority list, so you'll both be happier for it.

But you could still look after your children and do this…take them along. Surely?

Her responses are WILD. This poor chap is so beneath her contempt that she doesn’t factor him into her plans at all. It’s like she’s astonished he’s had the audacity to say ‘no’.

He's not 'asking 9 busy women' to do anything. He's saying that he's going on the holiday that he already has booked with his dad and brothers, and that after the last time, he is not going to cancel anything else to suit your friends.
What the 9 busy women do about this is up to them.
I don't blame him at all. It's upsetting hearing that he cancelled a trip that meant so much to him in order to free you up to help your friend. Surely somebody else could have helped her, or you could have drafted in extra childcare for your kids during that time.

Just do a ‘significant events + 1’ next year. Even more to look forward to.

Oh well, that's just too bad.

OP the problem is that he’s still actually annoyed that he had to cancel his big event because you prioritised his friend, and now you’ve not approached this potential clash with the perspective that it would be unreasonable of you to ask him to change his plans yet again around you and your friends. Instead, you just assume that he should do so. A lot of this really comes down to what the big event was and what the friend crisis was. He is still upset and he wants you to miss out on something you really want to do too, perhaps because you’ve not really appreciated how important the event was. You’ve gone on and forgotten about it and think it doesn’t matter anymore; it still matters to him.

What's the point in him arranging leave , booking it in and giving the OP notice if it if she then says oh well I want that week now so you can just cancel. Why can't any of the others have their DH cancel something to make another week work?

my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

I cannot believe you asked him to do this. You absolutely owe him one.

So what? Surely supporting your husband is more important than your friend’s 40th??

What was the event he was forced to cancel and what was your friend’s emergency?

Completely irrelevant. So you didn’t even bother to mention he’s away or attempt to change the date? Did you even bother to check with him first that he was ok to change his holiday or just assumed?

While I find his tit for tat rhetoric childish and annoying, I can completely see where he’s coming from.