Husband won’t rearrange his holiday

[ThisPearlCritic]

My best friend and I had planned a big holiday with 8 of our close friends in the summer to celebrate a number of significant events.

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away. He could move his holiday forward or backward to accommodate me but has refused, and has become very insistent that he won’t move his dates because he booked his holiday first.

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

My husband keeps pointing to this and has made it clear it’s my turn to rearrange my holiday. However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible. I feel he is being intentionally difficult and doing this on purpose, whilst my friend had an unforeseen emergency.

This disagreement has seeped into other areas of my life and we are constantly squabbling and arguing. I am worried where this might lead.
AIBU to ask him to rearrange his leave.

I call bullshit on this. Rearranging flights, accommodation etc that's already booked always has an impact - financial at the very least.

Then presumably he's booked annual leave from work already, and going back to rearrange this will have a domino effect on other people's annual leave. Even if he's self-employed he'll have arranged his workflow around this particular week.

Then presumably he's either travelling with people, or to meet people - so they would also be put out.

There'd have to be a very specific and very unlikely scenario in which a prebooked holiday can be rearranged with zero impact. You'd have to own your holiday accommodation, intend to travel alone and see no one, work for yourself and be beholden to no external events at all...

Well if it was us, our children could go to grandparents while we each did what we needed to do. If for some reason that wasn’t possible, and it came down to DH’s holiday or being there to support my grieving best friend, then yes I would be supporting my grieving best friend. It isn’t even a question in my mind. DH would understand as well.

Which he did, that previous time her friend had an emergency. (Though like PP, I genuinely can't fathom what kind of emergency outside my own household would make me ask my partner to cancel a holiday that had been booked years in advance.)

This time there is no emergency, merely her inconvenience vs his inconvenience. So no reason to put himself out to accommodate her.

I think you're being unreasonable. There will be weeks people can't do and this includes the week your husband is away. I wouldn't rearrange a holiday after my friends and I had most likely spent time finding a time we can all do just do my DH could go on holiday with his friends that week instead... I also think you should be mindful that he rearranged his holiday for you / your friends before even if it wasn't intentional on your friends or your part.

Ahh ok I see who you are.

How sad that you have nothing better to do with your time than to try and cause controversy on an anonymous forum.

You must have a pretty miserable life.

Yabu. You aren’t free that week as you needed home because your dh is away. You put your friends first last time and now you can’t or essentially your saying they are more important than him and their time is more important than his.

My husband’s holiday is a camping trip which he takes with father and brothers…. He can take this anytime, it’s not going to be an inconvenience for him.

She can go another week. She will just have to push it to another year

Did any of them have to book annual leave? Does his brother have a family?

None of them need to book leave from work?

I cannot, these are significant birthdays and milestones events for me and my friends. We won’t have that next year.

So all of them have to reschedule because you and your friends won’t? How do you know all those going with your husband can easily reschedule? Do you know their lives?

You can also take your trip another time.

His father is retired.

But your DH and his brother, presumably are not.

Oh lovely the children will enjoy camping 😂

Unless one of your friends is dying you can easily choose to celebrate a belated celebration next year.

Reality is if they can only do that week you will have to make your apologies as that week is not possible for you.

If it's camping, then provided he hasn't spent any non refundable money on it and provided it's not the only time he and his father and brother can all do, it wouldn't kill him to be nice.

But it sounds like there are other issues in your marriage.

Has his father or brothers booked time off of work. Have they arranged with their respective partners childcare, booked pets in for care or a million other things people do to arrange even camping trips?
And regardless of whether he can or not why should he? He already had it booked , why out of 9 people are you the only one who can possibly expect your partner to change his arrangements to make a date work.?

Amd his brothers...also don't have work wives and children they need to work around?

And why won't you say what this huge emergency was?

But what about his brother, would he also have to change his annual leave to suit you and your friends

You could have said to your friends that those dates didn’t suit you, just like some other dates didn’t suit your friends

He sounds a little vindictive and also a bit stupid.

I mean yes, you already made him miss one important event because you wanted to prioritize your friend over his plans. So you DO owe him one for sure. Why would he want to spend that flexibility on something that doesn't matter much - if he can just take his vacation a week earlier or later?

My DH and I both share a time consuming hobby and have a DC together. We both prefer to spend "child free time" doing our hobby, so obviously we need to do a bit of planning and compromising to make that work. We also both end up periodically "owing" the other the flexibility that we've received. The art of this is to ask for the flexibility when you really want/need it, not when you're trying to prove a point or simply trying to hinder your partners plans.

That being said - if your DH really does want the favour and the flexibility back right now in relation to this holiday, there's not much you can do. He is owed the favour and the flexibility, and you'll have to miss out this time.

So your husband, father and brothers all have to try and find another convenient week but you can't possibly ask your friends to find another convenient week?

Can you not see how hypocritical you are being? Why are all of your friends pre existing plans that prevent them going other weeks more important than your husband, his brothers and his fathers already booked holiday?

Your husband's plans were booked first, he should not change them and you and your friends should find another week

Era, there's a fairly high survival rate from not going on holidays once in a while.
You will be ok
Your marriage however, may not.

So, you didn’t even say you weren’t free those dates? You just assumed your husband, his father and his brothers would reschedule their planned trip for your convenience?

Wow.

And she stopped him doing something he’d planned for years. But I doubt it’s that easy to ‘just move it’. In my experience it never is. And is he going alone? Or will this mess up the plans of other people too?