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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t rearrange his holiday

553 replies

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 14:10

My best friend and I had planned a big holiday with 8 of our close friends in the summer to celebrate a number of significant events.

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away. He could move his holiday forward or backward to accommodate me but has refused, and has become very insistent that he won’t move his dates because he booked his holiday first.

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

My husband keeps pointing to this and has made it clear it’s my turn to rearrange my holiday. However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible. I feel he is being intentionally difficult and doing this on purpose, whilst my friend had an unforeseen emergency.

This disagreement has seeped into other areas of my life and we are constantly squabbling and arguing. I am worried where this might lead.
AIBU to ask him to rearrange his leave.

OP posts:
Cornetto3 · 27/04/2025 16:05

ElfAndSafetyBored · 27/04/2025 14:18

You should have vetoed that date as your husband was already booked. In the same way they have obviously vetoed other dates. Let one of them rearrange.

This

You're not available that week, so why try and book it?

RedSkyDelights · 27/04/2025 16:07

What are the reasons that the other friends can't make different weeks? And are they all things that absolutely and categorically cannot be moved, or just things they'd prefer not to. Rather like your DH's.

If this was my friendship group we would look for another date. Well, actually we wouldn't, becasue this would never have been on the table as an available date. Why was it? Did OP forget DH's holiday, or just decide it didn't matter?

An alternative is to change the celebration to something that could incorporate the children being looked after. Big house party and activities locally, for example.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 27/04/2025 16:07

@ThisPearlCritic come on, you could have said that date wasnt convenient for you!! you dont have to be the one to always give in to what your friends prefer! team hubster on this one, I am afraid!

Coconutter24 · 27/04/2025 16:07

Interesting OP hasn’t commented yet, wonder if she’s realised she’s being unreasonable

Stravaig · 27/04/2025 16:07

DH - LTB!

IdleIdleIdle · 27/04/2025 16:08

If real, YABU. If reverse SIBU.

I can't imagine a scenario in which your DH's long planned and important holiday with friends would have to be cancelled for someone else's emergency.

The other women involved in this can either reappraise their availability and move things around to find another suitable week, or they all go without you as you aren't free.

I do feel like you a people pleaser / you have a strong need to be liked or needed. You massively inconvenienced your husband for a friend, and you want to do it again rather than asking your friends to be inconvenienced. Are you worried they will just go without you as you're not as important to them as they are to you?

ohdearagain2 · 27/04/2025 16:08

Did you read what you wrote "For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend..."
He booked it years in advance? And you are surprised he's still upset?
I think for context it might be helpful if you clarify what emergency your best friend had that he could not do something he booked years ago.

rubyslippers · 27/04/2025 16:10

Hitchinkitchen · 27/04/2025 15:45

It’s Sod’s Law that he has to rearrange or cancel again but you come first.

Hahahaha
are you being sarcastic?

heroinechic · 27/04/2025 16:13

IdleIdleIdle · 27/04/2025 16:08

If real, YABU. If reverse SIBU.

I can't imagine a scenario in which your DH's long planned and important holiday with friends would have to be cancelled for someone else's emergency.

The other women involved in this can either reappraise their availability and move things around to find another suitable week, or they all go without you as you aren't free.

I do feel like you a people pleaser / you have a strong need to be liked or needed. You massively inconvenienced your husband for a friend, and you want to do it again rather than asking your friends to be inconvenienced. Are you worried they will just go without you as you're not as important to them as they are to you?

You really can’t imagine a scenario?

I have a best friend of 20 years (and I’m only 30). If her husband suddenly became gravely ill and died, and she needed my support to help at home with her young children, I’d absolutely be there. It wouldn’t make a difference to me that she has other friends. Some things are more important than holidays!

TheZingyFish · 27/04/2025 16:15

What strikes me is that these other busy career women with families can’t be inconvenienced as they expect plans to be made to fit their families. I applaud this attitude, ensuring their families come first.

And you agree, they and their families come first. Not your own. They have stated they aren’t available at given times to fit in with their families, and you expect your family to ensure they are able to put their families first. Well done!

I bet your husband really admires these women, just like you do, and would love to be in a relationship where the family will be put first. Unfortunately he married you who isn’t have these values of putting your own family first.

Titasaducksarse · 27/04/2025 16:15

What major emergency did your friend have that required you so much your husband had to miss a long planned event?

Backbag · 27/04/2025 16:15

heroinechic · 27/04/2025 16:13

You really can’t imagine a scenario?

I have a best friend of 20 years (and I’m only 30). If her husband suddenly became gravely ill and died, and she needed my support to help at home with her young children, I’d absolutely be there. It wouldn’t make a difference to me that she has other friends. Some things are more important than holidays!

Show quote history

When she has 8 other best friends, your husband's thing has been planned for years and if you had to go, you couldn't take your DC with you or get one of the other 8 close friends to have them?

Backbag · 27/04/2025 16:16

heroinechic · 27/04/2025 16:13

You really can’t imagine a scenario?

I have a best friend of 20 years (and I’m only 30). If her husband suddenly became gravely ill and died, and she needed my support to help at home with her young children, I’d absolutely be there. It wouldn’t make a difference to me that she has other friends. Some things are more important than holidays!

Show quote history

Fwiw my husband did become gravely ill and die. There no way I would have asked this of any friend/her husband.

Hitchinkitchen · 27/04/2025 16:19

rubyslippers · 27/04/2025 16:10

Hahahaha
are you being sarcastic?

Show quote history

Not really, no.

Moveoverdarlin · 27/04/2025 16:23

So he had an important event booked years in advance which he couldn’t go to because your mate needed you. Now he’s booked a holiday and you’re telling HIM to rearrange because it’s the one date all your friends can do. If was your DH I’d tell you to get fucked.

MellowCritic · 27/04/2025 16:24

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 14:14

How? There is no impact to him if he goes a week earlier or later.

Show quote history

Op If you already know you're not being unreasonable please don't ask. The poster told you their reasons. Oddly to me , I do actually think your dh should have changed his plans for your friends friends family emergency, this isn't your emergency and not sure why it would fall to you to be her support network if you genuinely had no child care as your husband was booked to go off but now in this instance where it makes no difference to him , he won't.. very odd set up you all have to be honest.

Cucy · 27/04/2025 16:27

Hitchinkitchen · 27/04/2025 15:45

It’s Sod’s Law that he has to rearrange or cancel again but you come first.

Why does OP come first?

He is a person in his own right and shouldn’t prioritise OPs happiness over his own.

C152 · 27/04/2025 16:29

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 14:14

How? There is no impact to him if he goes a week earlier or later.

Show quote history

But presumably you already knew when your husband was going to be away (as he booked his holiday first) when you asked your friends for mutually convenient dates. So why didn't you tell your friends you weren't available then? In any event, he has shown he will cancel things to support your friends in an emergency, which is great. This is not an emergency. This is simply a clash of dates and, unfortunately for you, he got in first. So you either don't go, or you arrange childcare for the dates you're going to be away.

moleeye · 27/04/2025 16:29

OP won’t be returning. Surely no-one is this dim

RedSkyDelights · 27/04/2025 16:31

heroinechic · 27/04/2025 16:13

You really can’t imagine a scenario?

I have a best friend of 20 years (and I’m only 30). If her husband suddenly became gravely ill and died, and she needed my support to help at home with her young children, I’d absolutely be there. It wouldn’t make a difference to me that she has other friends. Some things are more important than holidays!

Show quote history

So you'd insist your husband cancelled a long planned and long anticipated holiday rather than take your children with you / get one of your other friends to look after them / agree that another friend supports in the first week and you take over in the second week when your husband is back and she will still need support?

rubyslippers · 27/04/2025 16:31

Hitchinkitchen · 27/04/2025 16:19

Not really, no.

Show quote history

So the husband’s needs aren’t important
just the wife’s ?
how bizarre in this case

CandiedPrincess · 27/04/2025 16:32

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away.

But...it's not convenient for you? As your husband is going to be away.

YABU.

Mrsknowitall · 27/04/2025 16:34

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 14:10

My best friend and I had planned a big holiday with 8 of our close friends in the summer to celebrate a number of significant events.

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away. He could move his holiday forward or backward to accommodate me but has refused, and has become very insistent that he won’t move his dates because he booked his holiday first.

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

My husband keeps pointing to this and has made it clear it’s my turn to rearrange my holiday. However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible. I feel he is being intentionally difficult and doing this on purpose, whilst my friend had an unforeseen emergency.

This disagreement has seeped into other areas of my life and we are constantly squabbling and arguing. I am worried where this might lead.
AIBU to ask him to rearrange his leave.

Either tell your friends that that date do t work for you and arrange a date that suits all or don’t go, you’re being very selfish here let your dh have his holiday without any stress

Hitchinkitchen · 27/04/2025 16:35

Cucy · 27/04/2025 16:27

Why does OP come first?

He is a person in his own right and shouldn’t prioritise OPs happiness over his own.

Show quote history

Er, he’s her husband and a good man should always put his wife first.

Backbag · 27/04/2025 16:37

Hitchinkitchen · 27/04/2025 16:35

Er, he’s her husband and a good man should always put his wife first.

Show quote history

But his wife should never put him first?

A trip he organised years in advance. I just can't imagine asking anyone in any circumstances to cancel that, and if something so extreme that I really had to did come up, I certainly wouldn't be asking them for a similar favour again any time soon.